I try to avoid repeating ledes during the season and Sean Newcomb already had one. There I said, “It’s 2074, Grey Albright’s frozen head is on a shelf next to Ted Williams’ frozen head…I took a picture of Ted’s penis…I’m so romantic!” Damn, I pull quotes almost as well as I dispense fantasy baseball advice! By the way, I watched the Ted Williams special on PBS this weekend. Biggest surprise (to me), he was Mexican. He was the original Fernandomania — Teodoromania? When I searched Ted Williams and his Mom, that dominated the search results and who are we to question Google? So, Sean Newcomb ended the game one out from a no hitter against the Dodgers, one of the best offense teams — 8 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 1 hit, 1 walk, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.23. I pulled the reins on Newcomb in the last few weeks because his peripherals are garbage and I’m only happy when I’m pulling reins. His velocity is down, his 8.3 K/9, 4.3 BB/9 and 4.32 xFIP are not telling the whole story, but they’re telling enough of the story while sitting around a campfire farting. Then on Sunday, he threw 134 pitches. I’m all for hypnotizing pitchers into thinking they’re Walter Johnson, but he had never pitched more than 111 pitches in the majors. Solid game on Sunday, but if you grab Newcomb he could leave a mushroom cloud in his wake, and not as in an umami bomb. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
Brad Brach – Traded to the Braves. Fun fact about Bra-Bra: Lady Gaga’s song Bad Romance is her reading her fantasy team, “Bra-Bra, Bra-Bra, Bra-Bra, Bra-Bra, Alfredo Amezaga, oh, la la la. Want your bad Sisco, Chance.” Hey, it’s a deep league. As for Brach, finally, the Braves found someone to blow games in the 8th inning! Whew! Maybe he sees a save chance or two, but I’d imagine the Braves stick with Minter.
Max Fried – 5 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.51. Max Fried, or more popularly known as Double Fried, has a 11.2 K/9. *puts on a church dress, courtesies* Real coy in a Southern accent, “My daddy says we’re to be married.” *sees his walk rate is 5.6* In a confessional, balancing two kids on my lap, “I do believe I’ve married the wrong man.” Not sure why I’m suddenly playing a part meant for Oprah. By the way, I’m a big Oprah fan. Sorry, I hate skinny Oprah. That’s my Stephen Wright joke of the day. Not the pitcher. Any hoo! I like Fried, great Ks, and am streaming him in his next start, due to the Stream-o-Nator, but his walks worry me.
Kolby Allard – Likely called up this week for a spot start. I looked around for him in my leagues and he was owned everywhere, so I was like, “Damn, missed on the best guy that ever was. Time to drink some brown liquor.” Then I saw where he was ranked on Prospector Ralph’s top 500 fantasy baseball prospects list and his numbers in Triple-A (7.2 K/9, 2.7 BB/9, 4.01 xFIP) and I was like, “Good thing the only brown liquor I was able to find was vanilla extract.” He’s crazy young, so I could see him being great in three years, but I ain’t got time for bird sex and I definitely don’t have time for a three year wait.
Nick Markakis – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 11th homer, hitting .320. Sparkakis!
Alex Wood – 5 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.68. Wood blanked the Braves at home. I guess for Wood, I should say he planked them. High five me! No? Okay. Hard to say what he’s going to do from start to start, which means Wood’s a tough nut to crack. Hey, now I’m working blue!
Ross Stripling – 4 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 2.68. Has two straight terrible starts against NL East opponents (@ATL, @PHI), but his peripherals are still gorge, and the Stream-o-Nator likes his next start, though I’d be lying if I said home vs. HOU doesn’t scare the Boba Jesus out of me.
Aaron Hicks – 3-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 17th homer, hitting .256. For center fielders in the AL for homers, it goes like this: Trout, Springer, Hicks, extremely long ellipsis, the field.
J.A. Happ – 6 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 4.05. Only down side to owning him is you can’t look at his name without singing that stupid Pharrell “Happy” earworm song.
Rosell Herrera – 2-for-4 and his 1st homer, hitting .276, as he hit leadoff. That one homer goes with his one steal in 127 at-bats this year. Royals should just go ahead and have a contest where one Wal-Mart greeter gets to play for them for a day. Unless…Now that I think about…Was Rosell Herrera a Wal-Mart greeter coming into this year?
Matt Holliday – Signed a deal with the Rockies. All of the Rockies’ worst impulses in one move. I’m going to start an anonymous group for all the Rockies prospects who won’t start before Holliday. “Is this Prospblock Anonymous?” Yup, Raimel Tapia, donuts are in back. “You mean like the donuts I’m getting in the Games Played category.” Well played, Tapia. He hat tips to me, SCENE FREEZES and CREDITS ROLL. “Hey, I didn’t know Roger Deakins DP’d this roundup.” That’s you watching the credits.
Tom Murphy – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer, hitting .282. Wow, back-to-back starts for Murphy? I can only imagine once Holliday is ready, he’ll take over behind the plate. You think I’m kidding.
Matt Chapman – 1-for-4 and his 13th homer, hitting .272, after hitting .347 in June and hitting near-.330 in July, and three homers in the last week and still under 50% owned in fantasy leagues. Oh… *hikes the Pacific Crest Trail for six months* …Kay.
Yonder Alonso – 3-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 18th homer, hitting .265. Who’s higher on the Player Rater: Alonso or Edwin Encarnacion (2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 24th homer, hitting .235)? Okay, Edwin’s over Yonder — yoda-lay-he-who — but it’s not the slam dunk you might think.
Melky Cabrera – 3-for-5, and his 1st homer, hitting near-.300 in the last week, and playing on most days. I feel a hot schmotato risin’ from the ashes of the Melk Man.
Corey Dickerson – Hit the DL with a hamstring strain, which brought back Austin Meadows (0-for-3). Whether Meadows is great or awful, he’ll be back in the minors in two weeks when Dickerson returns, because the Pirates refuse to commit to Meadows. Musty-ass C**nt doesn’t trust the youngens.
Joe Musgrove – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 3.63. The Ks there are wretched like something out of a Decemberists song, but I still like Musgrove.
Zack Wheeler – 6 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.11. This might be his final start on the Mets, and if it is, he can always think back on his time with the Mets as the best days of his life. Not being sarcastic. Seriously, if you get off the Mets with two working arms, you’ve been truly blessed.
Jose Urena – 6 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 4 BBs, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.40. I wanted to make an Arena football joke with Urena, so I did some quick research and this killed me: there’s four Arena Football League teams! There were five teams, but one team suspended its team for a few years while it finds a place to play! There’s Flip Cup Leagues with more teams. Razzball should start an Arena Football League team. Where’s Bon Jovi? He’ll get in on this shizz. By the way (terrible segue), if you want fantasy football rankings, there ya go.
Matt Harvey – 5 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA–Wait, before I say his ERA. Let’s say what everyone is saying: Harvey would be great on the Brewers; Harvey was hitting 98 MPH on his fastball; Harvey has turned around his season. Reality: He has a 5.13 ERA and went 5 IP and gave up 2 ER in this ‘great’ start that saw him throw so fast. Lowercase yay. Jimmy Stewart saw a giant, imaginary rabbit named Harvey that doesn’t exist; I see a giant, imaginary fantasy contributor that doesn’t exist.
Scooter Gennett – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and a slam (17) and legs (3), hitting .319. Reds’ top 4 hitters in their lineup are all hitting over .290, and they are third in the majors for batting average. And that’s with Riggleman writing “Adam Duvall” on his Trapper Keeper.
Luis Castillo – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 4.98. I watched this game, mostly for the Phils, but Castillo did look solid — where the hell was this all year? This was still his first game he went over 6 2/3 IP, and easily his best start of the year. Building on that might not be that easy, according to the Stream-o-Nator, and I’m not running out to grab him.
C.J. Cron – 2-for-4 and his 21st and 22nd homer, hitting .254. At least one Curtis Jackson is good at baseball. In fairness, not sure I want to hear Cron rap.
Chris Davis – 2-for-3, 3 runs, 4 RBIs and his 12th and 13th homer, hitting .159. There should be a rule that any pitcher that gives up a home run to Chris Davis has to wear a bachelorette necklace of penis lollipops.
Jonathan Schoop – 1-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 17th homer, and his 7th homer in the last ten games. Crazy how fast a guy can turn a lost season into ‘on pace for his usual season.’ Are you listening to me, OZUNA?!
Mychal Givens – Should be the Orioles’ new closer. I tried to grab him in all leagues, but was thwarted by my own vanity, because I saw my reflection in my computer screen and got distracted long enough for someone else to grab Givens. Now I will go tend to my artist rendering, Dorian Grey. Givens could easily be a Donkeycorn the rest of the way, but, of course, the O’s won’t have a ton of opportunities.
Jace Fry – 0 IP, 3 ER and his 1st blown save. It’s odd to sell your soul to the devil to get made the closer, but not specify you’d like to pitch well for at least an appearance or two. If you’re a total masochist and want to speculate on the next guy, it would appear to be Jeanmar Gomez (1 IP, 2 ER). He’ll be a riot to own, like Watts.
Carlos Rodon – 7 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.24 vs. Ryan Borucki – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.83. This matchup was billed as, “How you get help? Granted, Stream-o-Nator is great, ya’ll!” Which is better known by its acronym: HUGH Grant SON Is Gre-Y.
Lourdes Gurriel Jr. – 3-for-5, 2 RBIs and 11 straight games with multiple hits. THE HOTTEST SCHMOTATO IN THE–Oh, poo, he’s hurt. He had to be helped off the field. Unless the crown he wears from being the King of the Hot Schmotatoes is just too heavy. It’s not the reason, is it? He will head out for an MRI tomorrow, but sounds like he avoided major injury, and just has a sprain.
Teoscar Hernandez – 1-for-4 and his 16th homer. That was his first homer is ten games, he has three hits since the break, and he’s hitting .059 in the last week. The Teoscar goes to…no one with any sense.
Johnny Cueto – 4 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 3.23, and four straight mediocre starts since his return from the DL. Giants manager and bowling ball head, Bochy said, “There’s concern there.” I believe he was talking about Cueto, but he could’ve been talking about the overfishing of salmon in the Pacific Northwest.
Travis Shaw – 1-for-1 and his 20th homer, as he pinch hit, because the Brewers are super clueless about what they need, just like they went out and got six outfielders this preseason, and now they went out and traded for a big third base bat and Shaw is their what? 2nd baseman? Did anyone stop for literally two seconds and say, “Hey, Counsell, I appreciate how you hold the mic all weird when we go to karaoke but don’t we need starting pitching?”
Denard Span – 3-for-5, 1 run, 1 RBI and his 7th steal, hitting .267. Yo, Denard Dawg hit third yesterday for the Mariners, which is awful, but it gets worse. The Mariners jumped out to an early lead, so now the M’s manager is going to think it makes sense to hit Span there. Mr. Manager, if you put Haniger in the three hole again, you’d be doing us a really great Servais.
Paul Goldschmidt – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 23rd homer. Au Shizz!
Nick Ahmed – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 14th homer, and 2nd homer this week. I don’t even want to say all the players who have less homers than Ahmed. *sneezes* OZUNA! *coughs* CORREA! *burps* KRIS BRYANT! Excuse me, I have indigestion.
Jose Quintana – 3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 4.26. I said to drop him a few weeks ago, so this ain’t on me. Goodbye blame, hello guilt expunger!
Ben Zobrist – 4-for-5, 2 runs and his 7th homer. He ended up a triple short of the cycle. Or as Ben’s wife’s song goes, “Psalmbody once told me the world is gonna roll me…”
Marcell Ozuna – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 12th homer. OZUNA trying to make it up to you. OZUNA asking for your forgiveness. OZUNA sees from your eyes he needs to hit ten more homers by mid-August to even start making it up.
Lance McCullers – 5 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA at 4.06. The Ks are nice and I don’t want to kick a gift horse in the mouth, but that gift horse was home against one of the worst road offenses.
Ariel Jurado – 6 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 2 Ks as he was called up by the Rangers and started in place of Cole Hamels. MLB’s pronunciation guide says, “Jurado is pronounced like Judo, but with an R, which makes it sound super raycess, and his first name is pronounced: Merman.” Jurado also has 5 K/9 potential so you can ignore him outside of AL-Only leagues. And, even there, borderline.
Nathan Eovaldi – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.80. Nathan looked out over the Fenway crowd and proclaimed, “Veni, Eovaldi, vici.” Speaking of togas (I was, kinda), I have an idea for a Postmates-type company, it’s called Togo…Eh, where the drivers are in togas and have Canadian accents. Hit me up in the comments if you’re looking to invest.
Rafael Devers – Hit the DL with a hamstring injury, after spending time on the DL earlier this month with a left shoulder injury. Everyone on the bottom of my top 100 for 2018 fantasy baseball? Yeah, didn’t work out. Buh-bye! Filling in for Devers will be Tzu-Wei Lin. He’s having himself a decent little Triple-A season for a light-hitting middle infielder (5 HRs, 2 SBs, .315). Much better than he was doing last year. When asked about the turn around, Tzu said he grew up quick and he grew up mean. His fists got hard and his wits got keen. All because Tzu’s daddy gave him that awful name. I tell ya, life ain’t easy for a boy named Tzu.