May the Fourth was with Rowdy-D2, as he had the night, that every hitter used to have in 2019, 4-for-6, 8 RBIs and his 6th and 7th homer. Anyone who asks, I say grab Rowdy Tellez. You down to Jarred Kelenic or Rowdy Tellez and I’m Tellez who I want who I really really want. Wanna see who’s hot? Look at the 7-day Player Rater. Don’t have to scroll far down for Tellez. Wanna see a gorgeous Statcast page? Look at Tellez’s. I wrote a sleeper post last year for him, but my one caveat was: Does he have playing time? He struggled to find it; Jays shipped him off and now he won’t be denied, especially not on the planet of Tater-ooine:

Sorry, these are just so cringe that I can’t resist. Also, having a great night, and now deserves a Colt 45, was Andrew Cutchrissian (4-for-5, 2 runs, 4 RBIs):

Okay, okay, one more, and this is the worst one, which makes it the best, Luis Chewurias:

Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Freddy Peralta – 5 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 5.09. Not gonna sugarcoat the poop with jimmies on the crap. This was not as good as you want to see, but he’s only really had one bad start.

Kolten Wong – 1-for-4 and his 1st homer. A Wong dong for Obi-Wan Kenobi! Okay, no more.

Zack Wheeler – 7 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners (1 BB), 7 Ks, ERA down to 4.10. Wheeler struck out Corey Seager looking with 97.5 MPH on the fastball, and his giddy up hadn’t touched 97.2 MPH before last night. That’s a relief. Literally, *pointing to bullpen* That’s the relief coming in after…*counts on fingers, toes, pulls down pants…* That was only 78 pitches. Hmm, guess when you have a good thing, you don’t want to get too used to it. Actually, not sure why Wheeler was pulled, but he did look great. The problem with Wheeler was the velocity, and if that’s at capacity, then the paucity of good starts should stop, but you wanna see him stretched out further — show some elasticity! Okay, that last one was just to use a word ending in –city. Sorry, just keeping it real with you. Ya know, showing my authenticity. *walks off humming Starship’s We Built This City*

Martin Perez – 7 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.25. Here’s My Favorite Martin! (Only because I don’t know another one.)

Carlos Santana – Hit the IL with ankle bursitis. Ooh, so sad–Any hoo! This extends MJ Melendez’s leash, and *moonwalks, explaining what I’m doing* Michael Jackson Melendez. No? Okay.

Nolan Arenado – 2-for-4, 5 RBIs and his 7th homer. I was willed a piece of the Magna Carta, and it’s been in my family for 800 years. Wanna check it out? I have it haphazardly by this open window–NOOOO!!! Torenado!

Juan Yepez – 2-for-3, 1 run and two doubles that were goofy-oppo-wackos. Yepez is an “oops did I do that” doubles machine.

Tyler O’Neill – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer. This Buy Low Window’s going to close quicker than the Torenado window.

Adam Wainwright – 7 IP, 0 ER, 2 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 3.18. *blows dust off a 2022 Cardinals scorecard* Ah, I remember this, Wainwright was still pitching. Can’t believe he’s retired. Just last year. In 2067.

Tony Gonsolin – 5 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 1.64. I’m a broken record with this, but if a guy has an ERA under 2.00? C’mon! Just roster him. I’m a broken record with this, but if a guy has an ERA under 2.00? C’mon! Just roster him. I’m a–Sorry!

Mike Clevinger – 4 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks, as he was activated from the IL. In the leagues where I have Clevinger, I slow-played him, and pretended I didn’t know I had to activate him just to see how he looked, and he will now be activated, as he was much better than his line. Just clearly tired as the game went on, which brings me to my big ol’ gripe. Why was he kept in the game for 95 pitches?

MacKenzie Gore – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 1.71. Will Gore stay in the rotation with the return of Clevinger? My guess is yes, but neither can throw a lot of innings this year either way, so they might bump Gore to the pen for a start or two here and there.

Manny Machado – 2-for-6,, 3 runs 2 RBIs and his 5th homer, hitting .380. Preseason: 3rd base is gross. Now: On the Player Rater, three of the top six overall are 3rd basemen, including Machado.

Cal Quantrill – 6 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners (5 BBs), 7 Ks, ERA at 3.54. It’s hard to overstate how bad Quantrill’s peripherals are. Like “barely startable in 15-team mixed league” type stats. Just very ugly stuff. Could he get better? Sure, but I’d be super careful until I saw more.

Dylan Bundy – 3 2/3 IP, 9 ER, ERA at 5.76. The Regression Fairies love Is It Cake? and hate your fantasy team’s ratios.

Kyle Bradish – 4 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 5.40. As Dan Pants said after his debut, “Are you sure your name’s not Brad? Because you seem dot, dot dot…Brad-ish.” Ha! I love Dan Pants. So, Bradish has four pitches, powered by a 94 MPH fastball, slow 12-6 80 MPH curve, and pretty iffy command, which worries me with rookies. Was old at Triple-A (25), and I wouldn’t even stream him outside of AL-Only, but monocle secured.

Cedric Mullins – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .230. Way off last year’s pace for homers*.

*Everyone is way off last year’s pace.

Carlos Correa – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer, hitting .264. Someone please explain to me how Correa is good for fantasy. He has no speed; barely any power; kinda meh on average. What am I missing?

Yusei Kikuchi – 6 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.35. If you see someone being dragged away in a straitjacket, it’s me. The guy who just dropped Kikuchi in a league after he was dreadful for a month, and I didn’t want to endure what was sure to be a bad start vs. the Yanks. Sure to be! Welp, I’m not going back, because you can’t avoid bad matchups, and I wouldn’t start him in those.

Matt Chapman – 1-for-2 and his 5th homer, hitting .220. Crazy he’s hitting for such a good average. Oh, yeah, .220 is now a good average. Welcome to 2022 MLB.

Joey Gallo – 1-for-3 and his third homer. Gallo wishes he could hit .220. He’s merely hitting for a league-average .188.

Xander Bogaerts – 2-for-5 and his 2nd homer. His blurb is here because Internet Law, Subsection 2.3 states, “Every mention of a Red Sox or Yankees player must be followed by the other.”

Garrett Whitlock – 5 IP, 2 ER, 2 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 1.25. It’s a little crazy to me that I’m still fielding questions on whether or not Whitlock should be rostered. Look at his numbers. You can’t find room for that?

Matt Barnes – 2/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 8.64. The Red Sox game plan of “Not investing in a closer” is going about as well as that game plan sounds. They should prolly use Whitlock or Houck to close, but that’s too much common sense for a MLB team.

Reid Detmers – 4 2/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 5.32. Streamonator hated this start, and doesn’t like his next one, but I could see starting him and then cutting bait or reevaluating.

Anthony Rendon – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer. *squinting eyes closed and rubbing temples* Hold on a second, I’m trying to remember when Rendon was good.

Taylor Ward – 1-for-2, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer, hitting .375. Usually I ignore pinch-hit homers, but I just wanted to say how dumb does an em-effer need to be to see Ward have one of the best weeks anyone’s had this year, then bench him? This isn’t rocket surgery. A guy is hitting well? Play him!

Jared Walsh – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .235. He had some good at-bats vs. lefties yesterday. Will that matter? You kidding? Of course it won’t!

Trevor May – Stress reaction in his humerus bone. That’s no laughing matter.

Tylor Megill – 5 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 2.43. Pitched well, but was unlucky. Dot dot dot. To have Ottavino follow him.

Guillermo Heredia – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer. Someone didn’t get the memo that random Braves’ outfielder fantasy value is supposed to go to Travis Demeritte.

Ian Anderson – 5 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 1 K, ERA at 4.01. Lines might tell you different, but Megill looked a ton better than Anderson.

Matt Brash – 3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 7.65. Hey, I’m just gonna leave this Shasta on the bar counter while I go to the bathroom in this Al-Qaeda run bar, can you watch it? Thanks! *four hours later*…Hey, I must’ve fell asleep…Wait a second, why is my chest cavity open and Amber Heard is crapping into the hole?! Ah!!! Roofie!

Eugenio Suarez – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer, hitting .202. Was surprised to see him hitting for such a high average. .202 is practically .350 for him.

Justin Verlander – 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 1.93. Hard to be mad at a pitcher with a sub-2.00 ERA but let me try. Where’s the strikeouts, Mr. Man?

Dillon Peters – 3 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 2 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 0.00, and 16 1/3 scoreless to start the year. He has some yawnstipating peripherals. He’s the embodiment of making a lot of nothing. It’s the Peters Principle.

Daniel Vogelbach – 2-for-7, 3 RBIs and his 4th homer, as he hits cleanup. Good to see he’s no longer hitting leadoff, not because I have any personal stake, but I was worried for the future of mankind that someone could be stupid enough to look at Vogelbach’s body and think, “Hey, a leadoff hitter!”

Michael Pineda – 4 1/3 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 3.77. This start was vs. the Pirates. The Pirates’ lineup is so boring it ends with a Tucker & Knapp.

Alex Faedo – 5 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 1 K, as he was called up. Well, he sure is tall. What’s that boy got in his gams, Always-B-Grow? Get the fertilizer out of your shoes, boy! You’re too tall! I saw nothing especially interesting from him, and I did y’all a favor and actually watched the Pirates/Tigers game. Pretty flat fastball, and an okay slider that he can’t setup. Maybe AL-Only, but I need more than tall. Even more so during Short King Spring.

Patrick Wisdom – 2-for-3 and his 5th homer, and 2nd homer in three games. He’s been a hot schmotato, wizen up! Wait, that’s his brother.

Nico Hoerner – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer. Hey, could someone check on Seiya? By the by, I was watching this game and saw Nick Madrigal’s hitting .235 with 2 RBIs. On the year!

Leury Garcia – 1-for-4 and his 2nd homer, hitting .127. Tony La Russa smiles, “That guy can be my two-hole hitter any time. Right after I’m done putting Adam Engel there.”

Jose Abreu – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 3rd homer, hitting .229. Everyone is on pace to hit 18 homers, and Rob Manfred is walking around telling people how exciting it is to see middle relievers thrive.

Patrick Corbin – 8 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 7.16. Big shoutout to the 0.3% of fantasy baseballers who were crazy enough or in a coma to start Corbin in Coors. We raise our glasses to you.

Cole Irvin – Dealing with shoulder soreness, but hasn’t been ruled out for his next start. Guess he’s gonna Hacky-Sack the ball to the plate.

Frankie Montas – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.44. Will Montas win five games this year? Not-Frankie-likely.

Corey Kluber – 6 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.36. Streamonator call mostly, but I’d also start literally anyone vs. the disgrA’s.

Jon Berti – 2-for-5 and his 1st and 2nd homer at leadoff, hitting .314. Won’t find him in the Buy column this week, which is already on the Patreon, but if you can platoon Berti correctly in daily leagues, you could get some sneaky value and speed.

Jesus Aguilar – 3-for-5 and his 2nd homer. He tends to hit ’em in bunches like Mr. Chiquita Banana.

Elieser Hernandez – 4 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 6.66. Number of the beast, and the beast is a snake that stands for the Diamondbacks. Now, I’m making the hissing sound, but it’s not the sound of a snake, but the deflating of my hopes after streaming Elieser. Welp, let’s bring up Max Meyer now. I demand of you, Marlins!

Pavin Smith – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. Hot schmotato alert!

Daulton Varsho – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer. More like Var sho!

Madison Bumgarner – Left after one inning when he got mad at the ump for checking him for sticky stuff. Who knew Mad-Bum was about face, he should’ve turned around. Damn it, that is a clever line! Y’all are lucky! Here it is, enjoy: