*walking through a packed hallway, head nodding at the ladies* “What’s up, chiquitas? Que paso, senoritas? Assume there was an upside down question mark in front of that question. I’m feeling pretty good, and it’s not just because I’m wearing my extra tight bicycle shorts that make me aroused when I cough. Nope! RONALD ACUNA IS UP! Hey, so are my letters. Preston Tucker? How about you Tuck off?! I’m so pumped!!! Seriously. I wanna make love to my fantasy team where I have Acuna.” *realizing I don’t know what hallway this is and need to leave before I’m arrested* Here’s my Ronald Acuna fantasy. Go look at the GIF I have there and tell me you’re not aroused. Don’t send pics! I said he’d be up mid-April. Oops, one week off! And his projections were 74/17/77/.304/21 in 514 ABs! I need to sit down. Wait, I am sitting!!! AHHHH!!! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Freddie Freeman – 2-for-6 and his third and 4th homer, hitting .296. Also, in this game, Kurt Suzuki hit a home run. Guess how many he has. Keep in mind that I’m the bitter owner of Tyler Flowers and Freeman. Would you guess Suzuki has same number of homers as Flowers and Freeman combined? *points to nose for the charades universal symbol ‘you’re right’*
Joey Votto – 1-for-5, 2 runs and his 1st homer. “Hello, we’re here for the filming of ‘Deadly Females With Arsenic In Their Cupboard’ and we’re wondering if we could film Joey Votto. We hear he was poisoned– Wait, he’s alive? Golly.”
Scooter Gennett – 3-for-5, 3 runs, 4 RBIs and his 1st and 2nd homer. “Okay, since we’re here and we have magic hour coming, we can film Scooter’s corpse–He’s alive too?! Geez, we had no idea. Our bad.”
Jose Peraza – 3-for-6, 1 run and his 3rd steal, hitting .265. I’ve given up hope of Peraza breaking out, but that doesn’t mean I can’t give up hope of giving hope after a few more solid games.
Tyler Mahle – 6 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA at 5.00. Actual exchange between Rudy and I, “Wow, on Mahle, six no-hit innings and 11 Ks!” Three seconds later, “I jinxed him, forget it.” I gave you a Tyler Mahle fantasy early in the season after a solid performance. Search the site and find it, and earn me at least 1/1,8000th of a penny while doing it.
Kyle Schwarber – 2-for-5 and his 5th and 6th homer, hitting .302 with a .333 BABIP. Visualization Alert! The BABIP Gods walk out of a mythological, superstore Sunglass Hut, flip their sunglasses up to stop the glare of the Luck Sun that is right above them, but the reflection of the Luck Sun shines directly onto . Then the Regression Fairies walk by, laugh at the BABIP Gods, and their corny sunglasses, and there’s a dance-off, involving Gloria Estefan. Okay, maybe not that last part, but the Luck Sun is definitely lighting the way for Schwarber. I’d put him down for a .285-ish BABIP, and that could be conservative. Starting off well has a way of snowballing and, believe it or not, the Luck Sun does not melt snowballing.
Ian Happ – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer. Blech, what a terrible start. I mean, what’s he on pace for 24 HRs? 16 steals? Okay, so if he were batting every day and getting the runs and ribbies along with that, maybe he’d be a top 70 player overall, and top 50 hitter, but, blech, right? Wait, that’s not blech at all. Oh, I know, his average is terrible. Yeah, that stupid average driving down his value! Oh, wait, he’s hitting .259. Hmm, what’s the problem again? Oh, yeah, Maddon. *shakes fist at cloud shaped like Buddy Holly glasses* MADDON! The worst news is that now that Happ hit well batting ninth, Maddon will likely think that’s a sign for him to always bat at the bottom of the order.
Tyler Chatwood – 6 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners (5 BBs), 5 Ks, ERA at 3.74. Chatwood presumably pitched well yesterday, because the Rockies finally got someone to replace Chatwood and it eased his mind — his co-star in The Occupational Therapist, Brooks Pounder.
Melky Cabrera – Signed with the Indians. He’s fine for counting stats, and not much else. Now the Indians need to trade for Mookie Betts, to have a Mikey, Mookie, Melky outfield, which could double as an R&B trio. Call them, Boys II M-men.
Avisail Garcia – Hit the DL. To replace him, the White Sox called up Daniel Palka. Fun fact! His parents named his sister Dot, just for the times she had to list her last name first. Prospect Ralph said of this baseball Kwamé on his Palkadelic Adventure, “After slugging 63 homers over the last two seasons in the minors, Palka could be on the cusp of providing some much needed pop to the Twins lineup. He’s an older prospect at 25, but as we saw with Adam Duvall last year, power breakouts can come from older prospects. There’s a lot of swing and miss in his game, and there’s no plus tool outside the power, but if he sees enough at bats, 20+ homers is totally obtainable. I like Palka, and would be fine taking a flier on him in 16+ team dynasty leagues, with fingers crossed for an off the radar breakout. Also, Grey sucks.” Hey, c’mon! I looked at grabbing Palka in deeper leagues where I need power.
Mac Williamson – 2-for-4 and his 3rd homer, in like five at-bats. Fine, five games, but still. If you need power, what are you waiting for? Not to answer, but to pick up Williamson.
Brandon Belt – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer. Haha, okay, guys, I get it, Giancarlo’s wearing Belt’s jersey. Funny joke! Now, start wearing your jersey again.
Michael Taylor – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer. Michael A. Taylor, and the A is for “Ah Sookie Sookie Now.” Hey, you’d abbreviate it too.
Salvador Perez – 1-for-4 and his 1st homer, as he was activated from the DL. Hopefully his return will *pinkie to mouth* Sal…ve your catcher concerns.
Jonathan Villar – 3-for-4, 1 run, hitting .300 as he hits eighth. I’d love to mock, shame, verb Counsell, but not sure where else Villar could bat in that lineup, and he deserves better.
Eric Thames – Undergoing tests on his thumb. That stinks. Be a real shame if Braun had to get everyday playing time. (Please, Fantasy Baseball Overlord.)
Scott Kingery – 0-for-4, hitting .216. The batteries being thrown right now are AAA for where the fans want him sent.
Vince Velasquez – 4 2/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 4.50 vs. Robbie Ray 4 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA at 5.13. Both of these pitchers went K-put early after a right-left-right-punch-out of a bunch of heavy swingers TK’doh’d them. Wouldn’t mind, maybe, I don’t know, just a hair more control to harness in both of them to get deeper into the game, but Ks do make the medicine go down a bit easier. That medicine, of course, is K-opectate.
Alex Avila – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer. Ya know, twice as many as Contreras.
Paul Goldschmidt – 1-for-5, 1 run and his 1st steal, hitting .273. It’s still very early, but, wow, he’s looking sluggish, and not in the good way, if there is a good way.
Jarrod Dyson – 1-for-2 and his 1st homer. Yo, check out the launch angle on that vacuum!
Giancarlo Stanton – 0-for-4, 1 run. If I didn’t know any better, I’d think Giancarlo was going to go 0-for-162 games with one run in each game, for a .000 average and 162 runs.
Aaron Judge – 3-for-5, 2 runs and his 7th homer, hitting .341. Apparently, he likes hitting in April (and May, June, July…August and September are TBD).
Gary Sanchez – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 4th and 5th homer, hitting .208. Still hitting for less of an average than Giancarlo! Hey, I have to take what I can get here.
Jose Berrios – 4 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 2.84. This was a no-win start. Literally, as it turns out. Hate to bench my top guys, but in The House They Built Across The Street From The House Ruth Built it was not an easy start.
J.T. Realmuto – 1-for-4 and his 2nd homer. Nice cucumber, Jerry Tomato! A cucumber is baseball slang for dong. Don’t Google it, it is.
Rich Hill – Expected to return on Monday. Then, in a few days, he will hurt another finger after making the Full House ‘cut it out.’
Rick Porcello vs. J.A. Happ – Because this is all about me. I started both of these guys in one league and got 14 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 19 Ks, for a 2.57 ERA and 0.71 WHIP. *climbs to the top of a jungle gym* NATCH!!! Little chubby kid, “Yeah, with two no decisions, you loser.”
Brock Holt – 3-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI, hitting .289. Forget it, Xander is due back Friday. Way to Bogaerts his schmotato.
Trevor Story – 1-for-3, 4 RBIs and his 6th homer, a grand slam. For those new to this crazy little thing called fantasy baseball, Story was a top 25 hitter before his complete collapse last year, and he’s only 25 years old in Coors.
Kyle Freeland – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 4.33. I now Freedonia of the Marx Brothers, I know Freehold, New Jersey of the Boss, but Freeland? I don’t know you.
Mark Canha – 1-for-4 and his 3rd homer, and three homers in the last ten games, hitting near-.400 in that time. Hot schmotato alert!
Blake Treinen – Took a liner off his shin and left the game, and I immediately looked at waivers for Santiago Casilla (who got the the save) and Ryan Buchter. Melvin said that Treinen should be fine by Friday, but managers lie through their grit and chewing tobacco, so I’m holding Treinen’s replacements for now.
Andrew Triggs – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.70 vs. Cole Hamels – 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.41. This was a matchup billed as, “Andrew Triggs vs. Someone Who Would Call Him Andy No Matter How Many Times He Asked To Be Called Andrew.”
Adrian Beltre – Left the game with a strained hamstring. Okay, how about this one, Beltre’s out for a few weeks, Gallo goes to 3rd and guess who’s the new DH?! Free Willie!
Jason Vargas – Will return to the mound for his Mets debut on Sunday. In the crowd will be his cheering section, Var-Gastroenterologists with their colonoscopy cameras. By the way, wanna shudder? Google ‘colonoscopy cameras’ and look for preowned ones. I’M VOMITING!
Zack Wheeler – 4 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 4.24, and relieving him was Matt Harvey (2 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 5.87). Comatose Mets Fan, “Whoa, how long was I knocked out? Four years? Wait, why are the Mets playing in the NLCS in April?! I mean, they must be in the playoffs to have Harvey relieving Wheeler. Right? Why is everyone staring at me? Someone answer!”
Jay Bruce – 3-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer, hitting .222. If he’s a 1st half hitter, what’s he going to do in the 2nd half this year? Negative homers?
Tommy Pham – 3-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .348. Admittedly, doing much better than I expected. It’s early, but I might’ve blown the call on Pham. We’ll see. Or not. Your call.
Luke Weaver – 4 2/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 4.85. He gave up two hits and six walks. Luke weaves a BBapestry.
Shohei Ohtani – 5 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 11 baserunners (5 BBs), 7 Ks, ERA at 4.43. He might’ve also read Pitch Economy by Alan Greenspan. “The pitch-to-strike bubble will never burst.” Damn you, Greenspan! Serious question, does The Sciosciapath know he can let Ohtani hit when he’s pitching? Just a thought.
Andrelton Simmons – 3-for-4, 5 RBIs and his 2nd and 3rd homer, hitting .317. You know how for years I’ve said Andrelton is an alien because, well, he looks like one? I just saw this verrrrrrry interesting tidbit on him. He claims his birthplace is Mundo-Novo. Literally The New World! Yes! New to you, you freakin’ alien! Crap, my aluminum hat just fell off.
Charlie Morton – 4 IP, 4 ER, ERA up to 1.86. A Morton hasn’t felt such an immediate fall from grace since Samantha dated Lindsay Lohan.