Ayo whaddup, it’s ya boy Grey Albright aka the Fantasy Master Lothario aka White Chocolate aka The Ladder You Use To Reach New Heights aka The God Particle aka Trump’s Next Supreme Court Nominee Judge Reinhold aka Paid Overtime aka A Close Parking Spot When You’re In A Rush aka Al Swearengen’s Swearing Dictionary aka Teacher, We Don’t Need No Education aka The Weird Guy That Latches Onto The Main Character In Oscar Films I Think His Name Is Paul Dano aka The Butcher, The Baker and The Candlestick Maker aka The Stinging On Your Pinkie Toe When You Clip Too Close aka Paul Anka aka Forget How You Spell My Name And Just Get Me My Coffee! I just spent thirty minutes looking up Mindy Cohn and whether or not she’s a lesbian. Ah, the offseason. You are a soothing mistress that touches my naughty bits with idle hands. She’s apparently not a lesbian, but a confirmed friend of the gays, and she wanted to lose weight in the 80’s, but the producers asked her to avoid it for the character of Natalie. They finally agreed to let her wear baggy clothes. No comment, except the “no comment” comment has the weight of a thousand eye rolls. A quick preamble about the 2018 fantasy baseball rookie series that is coming from me over the next few weeks. Rookies could get a post if they meet MLB eligibility requirements, less than 130 ABs or 50 IP. That means no Yoan Moncada, no Rhys Hoskins, no Rafael Devers, and finally no Amed Rosario. In 2012, the first player I highlighted was Mike Trout. That wasn’t an accident. I said in the Mike Trout post, “He’s ranked number one for me. Numero uno. The Big Mahoff. He’s the big Statue of Liberty in New York, not that girly one in Paris!” Since then, I’ve attempted to make the first rookie post about a prospect that will be the top rookie for fantasy the following year. Two years ago, that honor went to Corey Seager. Yes, it’s an honor, don’t be so condescending. Last year, it was Yoan Moncada. (But the 2nd rookie post was Aaron Judge! If this were horseshoes, I’d be so money.) This year the top fantasy prospect isn’t no ordinary man, this is the prospect I be seeing in my sleep. Ronald Acuna will be your number one 2018 fantasy baseball rookie. Will Acuna be named to the All-Century Team in 85 years or edged out by a robot with grabby hands named the Hitter-Tron that my great-great-nephew will sue due to trademark infringement only to find out it’s the same Hitter-Tron that once graced this little fantasy baseball blog called Razzball? Can Acuna be a top ten outfielder in 2018? So many questions and so little time to look up Mindy Cohn info! Anyway, what can we expect of Ronald Acuna for 2018 fantasy baseball?
First off, I’ve wanted to call Ronald Acuna, Jason Acuna for the last five hundred words. Maybe because I used to hang out with him. I have some good stories about Jason Acuna, that I should tell on the podcast some time. By the by, Jason Acuna is Wee Man. Okay, okay, OKAY! I think I got out all my Jason Acuna drops. Ronald Acuna is not a dwarf (except standing next to Aaron Judge). He’s a 19-year-old prospect in the Braves’ organization who literally — yes, literally — does everything. He’s got so many tools there’s day laborers standing outside his house asking him if he needs help on his DIY project. Ronald Acuna is Jim Bowden’s wet dream. And now you’re moist. Sorry for those of you that can’t handle the word moist, but it’s kinda lame to not be able to handle a word. You’re triggered by the word ‘moist,’ let it sink in how first world that problem is. As I do with all rookies, due to my unfamiliarity, I watch tape on them. Because I feed you like a baby bird, here’s a sexy glimpse (a glimpsexy?):
I did those two highlights of Acuna because that’s all you need to know. Oppo power with relative ease and beating out infield singles like a boss. I know why Prospector Ralph put Acuna atop his top 50 prospects for 2018 fantasy baseball; Acuna is not in my 1,001 Jokes To Be Read On The Toilet book that sits in my bathroom, because he is no joke. He had 9 HRs and 11 SBs and a .344 average in Triple-A through. Dot, dot, dot. Only 54 games! Can we say young Hanley? If not, you might need a speech therapist. The big question for him, as is the big question for almost all rookies, playing time in the majors in 2018. As I was saying to Ralph, if the Braves go out and sign a big free agent this offseason, and think their time is now, then Acuna might be up in April. If the Braves play it cautious, he might not be up until late-May, early-June. Either way, he looks like the preseason NL Rookie of the Year candidate to beat. For 2018, I’ll give him the projections of 74/17/77/.304/21 in 514 ABs and a mid-April call. He is elfin gorgeous. Wait, that’s Jason Acuna again.