“I don’t know what my face is doing right now.” “It looks like you ate a full Tony Luke’s cheesesteak and forgot to swallow.” “No. I mean, I did, but I took the sub out of mouth and put it in my glove compartment for later. But this is something else. Feel my cheeks, they’re, like, pushed up.” “You get that f**kin’ Botox?” “No! I’m a 45-year-old construction worker with bad knees. Why would I get Botox?” “Then what’s wrong with your cheeks? You’re freaking me out!” “Wait, I know what it is. I’m…I’m smiling and I’m a Phillies fan. This is better than the day Charlie Manuel stopped at our job site to use our Porta-Potty!” Yesterday, Aaron Nola looked great — 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, and Phillies fans, or Phans, have something to smile about. I watched a portion of the game and he looked like he could be an ace. Love, love, lurve the control and mid-90’s fastball. At worst, he’s a number three. I was pretty jazzed at what I saw. Whenever you have a guy that has great command and can strike out people, there’s a chance for wonderful. With that said (hold on to the starboard, Grey’s turning around!), he’s a rookie and there will be some Growing Pains, and not the good kind of boners. I would absolutely own him, but in shallower leagues I’d be careful of roofies. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Maikel Franco – Could sit until Friday with a sore elbow. Please keep Prospect Mike in your prayers, as well.
Nate Karns – 5 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks and pitchslapped Nola. Not cool to do that to guy in his first major league start. Why not just give out his cell phone number to the whole world?
Francisco Liriano – Will start on Thursday vs. the Nats after being scratched in Milwaukee. I wonder if the girl from Milwaukee on MasterChef that is always about five seconds from crying was the one doing the scratching. Nah, she looks like she bites her nails.
Yordano Ventura – Optioned to Triple-A. Who would’ve ever thought his season would be a near-perfect remake of Raging Bull? Too bad the Royals traded Joe Pesci to the Angels. Excuse me, Johnny Giavotella.
Jason Vargas – Was activated from the DL…Then left the game after re-aggravating his elbow injury. Varburp.
Gerrit Cole – 7 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks and the loss to move to 13-4. On the honest engine tip, this game was against the Royals and I was glad Cole was able to escape with a Quality Start. The Royals scare me like I’m a Native American in 1492 and a pale face is sneezing on me.
Jarrod Dyson – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 15th steal. SAGNOF! Do you need a hand tattoo to remind you?
Taijuan Walker – 4 1/3 IP, 5 ER. Boychiks and five galchicks, you have to move on in non-keepers. Don’t worry, we’ll get roped back in next year.
Robinson Cano – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 1 RBI, hitting .260. If you wanted to be a real ass, you would email the team owner in last place, who drafted Cano, and say, “Hey, I know you moved on to fantasy football already and have no idea what Cano’s doing now, but if you want, let’s trade.”
Austin Jackson – 2-for-5, 1 run, 1 RBI and his 11th steal as he finally hit leadoff. Don’t tell Lloyd Christmas McClendon he had the lineup card upside down.
Nelson Cruz – 1-for-5, 2 runs and his 22nd homer. Did you listen to this week’s podcast when I blew JB’s mind with my Nelson Cruz Cliffhanger The Price is Right yodeling answer? You can hear a very low ‘whoa.’
Neftali Feliz – 1 IP, 5 ER as he gave up a pinch-hit grand slam to The Big FraGu. Feliz is going to fit in just perfectly in the Tigers bullpen!
J.D. Martinez – 2-for-5, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 27th homer. Maybe we should’ve paid attention to Momma Martinez when she named her kid, Just Dong. Or maybe she had a weird angle looking at her birth canal.
Nick Castellanos – 3-for-4, 2 runs and his 7th homer. Last time he went deep, he rode a little schmotato streak for a few days, so I could see grabbing him and seeing where this goes.
Yoenis Cespedes – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 14th homer. This is neither funny nor interesting, but Yoenis seems to me to have 30-homer power, but he really doesn’t. Told you it was neither funny nor interesting. Speaking of which, on my tombstone, “Grey Albright, This is neither funny nor interesting.” Meh, I think I’m gonna stick with my original tombstone idea, “I told you I was ill.”
Kyle Schwarber – 3-for-6, 4 RBIs and his 2nd and 3rd homer as he hits 2nd. Yes, you should own him. Yes, immediately. Not sure what’s more fun, watching him hit or hearing anyone say his name. Say his last name, and now put cotton balls in your mouth and say anything. Same thing, right?
Chris Coghlan – 2-for-5 and his 9th homer. He was this week’s Creeper. Hat tip to J-FoH. May your hate continue to grow like your beard.
Jason Hammel – 5 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.82, but got the no decision because the Cubs can’t play games less than 13 innings long. The 1-for-6’s aren’t fun, guys. If you’re going to play long games, at least tie at 9-9.
Michael Conforto – The Mets have “had serious discussions within the last few days” about promoting Conforto. Then they had non-serious discussions about Pop Tarts, their playoff hopes and ‘Who is that girl in the third row behind the dugout?’ I’m starting to think the Mets will call up Conforto, because it was just on Monday that manager, Terry Collins, said Conforto wasn’t on the club’s radar. What likely happened is Collins was asked about a prospect he had no idea about, answered truthfully, then the front office decided to have a discussion with Collins so he didn’t keep sounding like a moron. Conforto strikes me as a 25-30 homer guy with a .270 average. Your basic cleanup hitter. That’s in his prime. Right now, he’s 22 years old, so I think in most mixed leagues you’re looking at a guy this year that is essentially every hot schmotato.
Jacob deGrom – 6 IP, 2 ER, 3 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.18. I wonder if his name was Jacob de la Grom if I’d own him and he’d be garbage. I’m gonna go with highly likely, or highlikely if you’re in a rush.
Stephen Strasburg – Threw 30 pitches in the bullpen without any problems. I.e., Strasburg has 99 problems but 30 useless warmup pitches ain’t one.
Wilson Ramos – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer, hitting .249. He was much more appealing when he’d hit five homers in April, then miss the rest of the season with an injury. At least then there was some mystery.
Joe Ross – 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.70 and I should’ve just drafted Ross instead of Stressbird. Ugh, I feel the ulcer coming on again! Ross is ownable while Stressbird is stretching himself out about as fast as a fat man in a room filled with maple syrup.
Brett Anderson – 2 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners and left with an Achilles injury. “Wha’ happened, Unkie Grey, wha’ happened?” I’ll tell you, neef. I streamed him, that’s what happened.
Yasiel Puig – 1-for-4 and his 5th homer, hitting .265. Since sometimes you need to be spoon-fed, here’s some tough Puig medicine. Also, in this game, Justin Turner hit his 12th homer as he hits .322. Look again at Puig’s season numbers, now look at Turner’s. Now back to Puig. Now back to Turner. Okay, stop, your eyes are going crossed.
Alex Wood – 6 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.78. Ah, ta-ta-ta, remember, he had 7 earned runs tacked on his ERA in a start in Coors where you shouldn’t have started him anyway.
Nathan Eovaldi – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.43 vs. Wei-Yin Chen 6 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 2.86. At least Chen is no longer owned in less leagues than Eovaldi, but he’s still owned in less than 50% of leagues. Now, if you owned Chen, Nola and the Ross brothers, you could name your team Patience with Chen N’ Rosses.
Matt Garza – 6 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 5.23, as he returned from the DL. For those old school Razzball readers, you might remember how Garza used to rock a little goatee that we’d call The Garza Strip. Well, now he looks like an upside down troll doll.
Jean Segura – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and a slam (4) and legs (14). Must…resist…urge…to…let…Segura…excite…me.
Gerardo Parra – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 1 RBI, hitting .315 as he continues to leadoff and Khris Davis continues to languish on the bench. Can we ixnay the trade rumors and start trading?
Coco Crisp – Took batting practice. I hope he went for ice cream afterwards!
Joba Chamberlain – Signed a deal with the Jays. Too bad his mom can’t leave the country.
Jose Bautista – 1-for-5 and his 20th homer, and Edwin Encarnacion (1-for-3, 2 runs) hit his 19th homer. These two have this whole “Whatever he can do I can do better” thing going on. First, they both injure their shoulders. Then they both get injected with cortisone. Then they both pray to a Hormel chili statue of Dwayne Murphy. Then they both homer. It’s uncanny.
Kevin Pillar – 2-for-4, 1 run and two steals. I’ve been rocking Pillar for the last six weeks in one 12-team league. So, he’s good enough for me, but not you? Not cool!
Matt Carpenter – 2-for-5, 1 RBI as he was dropped to the seven hole. The seven hole is also porn for the left ear lobe and is about as exciting.
Michael Wacha – 5 IP, 5 ER, ERA up to 3.20. Fozzie Bear is embarrassed for Wacha, Wacha, Wacha.
Matt Holliday – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 4th homer as he DH’d. Yeah, I’m starting to worry that Randal Grichuk (0-for-5) could be in for playing time issues once the Cards get back to an NL stadium, especially with Mark Reynolds (1-for-2, 2 runs and his 9th homer) actually doing something, and Stephen Piscotty (1-for-4, 1 run) called up. Why can’t the Cards just play four outfielders? Piscotty doesn’t know! Piscotty doesn’t know! Piscotty doesn’t know! (Yes, it’s still stuck in my head.)
Carlos Rodon – 4 IP, 7 ER, ERA up to 4.48. Send my condolences to good, hear my regards for Carlos Rodon, he always did the best he could, and so long to devotion, you taught me everything I know, wave goodbye, wish him well. You’ve gotta let him go.
Tyler Saladino – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer in the last two games as he bats out of the two hole. As I said the other day, he has shortstop eligibility in some leagues, but, even if he doesn’t, he looks like he has hot schmotato eligibility.
Justin Upton – Sat out again with a tight oblique. The Padres luck: having a player they could trade that isn’t healthy enough to get on the field. It’s the Curse of Garry Templeton but it’s pronounced Grr.
Chris Heston – 7 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.18. Heston had the Padres baffled the whole night like they just saw a Statue of Liberty protruding from the sand and men wearing unbelievably bad ape costumes.
Hunter Pence – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 5th homer. And this Gangly Manbird you cannot cage.
Brandon Crawford – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 13th homer. Crawford or Tulo? Okay, Tulo, but is there that big of a difference?
Mat Latos – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks. He’s looked like a new pitcher since he returned from the DL. I mean, still fugly, but pitching better.
Jeremy Hellickson – 7 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.87. This game came against the MIA Marlins. The MIA is for Miami and their bats.
Jed Lowrie – Will start rehab games today and hopes to return next week to fetch Correa Gatorade or really anything he wants.
Chris Carter – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 16th homer. When I started writing this blurb, Dominick the Donkey came on my iTunes. Coincidence? Cause even with Jose Altuve (2-for-3, 2 runs, 1 RBI and his 27th steal) on Carter’s back, he could climb the hills of Italy! Hey! Chingedy Chris! Hee-haw hee-haw! Children sing, and clap their hands, and he starts to dance. They talk Italian to him and Chris even understands! At least when they say pizza. Hey! Chingedy Chris! Hee-haw hee-haw! He’s Chris Carter, not the Chris Carter that’s a honkey! Hee-haw hee-haw!
Vincent Velasquez – 6 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks. Yeah, but it was an easy matchup vs. the Red Sox. April Grey just called and said, “Whaaaaa??? Yes, that’s three question marks.” In most leagues for Velasquez, I’d use the Stream-o-Nator.
Brian Johnson – 4 1/3 IP, 4 ER. He’s gonna fit in just fine in the Red Sox rotation!
Derek Holland – For the first time since his shoulder surgery, he threw live batting practice. Sounds like every Rangers starter.
Shin-Soo Choo – 4-for-5, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and a slam (12) and legs (2) as he hit for the cycle. I call this game, “What will so-and-so do in Coors Field?” This so-and-Soo Choo did that.
Prince Fielder – 2-for-4 and his 15th homer, hitting .341. I’m still having a hard time moving past what he did to me last year. I might need counseling.
Delino DeShields – 4-for-6, 1 run, 2 RBIs. Looks like he’s Delino’ing it up! Right?! High five! Hey, where you going?
Mike Trout – Sat out yesterday with minor heel soreness. *coughs* plantar fasciitis *coughs* Sorry, I’m allergic to heel soreness news.
C.J. Cron – 4-for-4, 1 run. What if instead of saying how much I like Cron I were to just say hot schmotato? Does that help you pick him up?
Matt Shoemaker – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 10 Ks. One has nothing to do with the other, but after this huge game by Shoemaker, why am I now scared of streaming C.J. Wilson today? Damn you, faulty logic!
Byron Buxton – Will start full activities soon. No half measures for Buxton or Walter White.
