All right all of you, hardcore, prematurely balding fantasy baseballers, who are battling in the trenches these final weeks. You people. And by “you people,” I mean middle-aged, middle class white men with their mothers on speed dial. (What? Google Analytics can tell a lot.) Let’s do this like Brutus and Tommy Artootis. (I went to middle school with Tommy Artootis; you probably didn’t know that.) Yesterday, Kendrys Morales went 4-for-4, 5 runs and three solo home runs (19, 20, 21). The Morales of the story? He’s stepping up to help you win because we prayed for this. Right after praying that Lay’s Gyro-flavored potato chips wins the new flavor contest. Show of hands: how many of you care who becomes the next president? Okay, now how many of you care what flavor wins Lay’s potato chip contest? Ya’ll bunch of liars if you didn’t vote for Lay’s. Can we just make a Trump flavored potato chip to combine all my voting into one place? Morales has done well for my Tout Wars team, but I’m gonna come up a little short like Altuve. Here’s the current standings, as you can see power was my real bugaboo. If Miggy had reached 30 homers like he did seemingly every other year, it could’ve made a huge difference. For now, let’s bask in Rudy’s dominance and hope Lay’s Gyro flavor kicks ass. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
Kris Medlen – 5 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 2 Ks. Someone let Medlen sleep with them so the last flat-billed pitchypus can procreate, like how Jane Goodall sleeps every night with the last orange-eyebrowed orangutan that looks like a monkey Karl Malden.
Christian Colon – 4-for-5, 1 run, 1 RBI. Something most fans don’t know, Christian’s middle name is “Passed Thru Bartolo’s.” Colon did have two hits on Saturday and could fill-in for Alcides for a few more days. Worth looking at in very deep leagues.
Alfredo Simon – 4 1/3 IP, 8 ER. Alfredo knew he was getting creamed when Ausmus came out to remove him from the game carrying a pepper mill.
Noah Syndergaard – 6 IP, 5 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks. Seriously, Bartolo goes on even numbered days and Niese goes on odd. I mean, who cares about their arms, right?
Matt Harvey – 5 IP, 0 ER, 2 baserunners, 7 Ks. Colon and Niese were both available last night. Cust kayin’.
Michael Pineda – 5 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks as the Yankees took the middle game of the Subway Series. It was an ugly weekend for Mets and Yankees fans as they tried to sort out their allegiances. “No, I root for the Yankees, you root for the Mets and Little Anthony Jr. roots for the Yankees.” “Anthony Jr. can choose his own goddamn team!” That’s a family in Queens fighting over which bib to put on their 18-month-old.
Greg Bird – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 8th homer. Bird Bird Bird, Bird is the Buy! Damn, that’s still stuck in my head.
Masahiro Tanaka – Will miss his next start with a hamstring strain. He can throw with a torn elbow tendon, but not a hamstring strain? Did Pele miss time with a sore forearm? Hmm?
Michael Wacha – 5 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 7 Ks. Next year, it’s gonna be like this drafting, “I really like that pitcher. It’s a shame he threw 225 innings more last year than any prior year combined.”
Randal Grichuk – Getting close to being able to return to center field. He said he wasn’t sure if he could do it, then, “John Fogerty spoke to me in a dream…that I had while sleeping in a Burger King parking lot while the radio was blasting 80’s hits.”
Matt Holliday – Hopes to play the field next week after running the bases hard on Sunday. Ahem, a bit too much information, Holliday.
Carlos Martinez – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks. I’m so conflicted. I own C-Mart, and would like to see him finish strong, but I also know that with each start, he moves further away from anything resembling a conservative bump in innings from last year.
Thomas Pham – 1-for-3 and a slam (5) and legs (2). Yes, he’s a hot schmotato, if nothing else, and should be grabbed everywhere.
Stephen Piscotty – 1-for-2 and his 5th homer. Maybe, just maybe, Piscotty does know.
Garrett Richards – 8 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.73. Terrific, stupendous, adjective! At this point in the year, everyone is only as good as their next start, and the Stream-o-Nator likes Richards next start and I agree.
Tyler Duffey – 7 IP, 0 R, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks. I’m torn on Duffey like I’m Natalie Imbruglia. He’s performed well, but his next matchup isn’t purdy or pretty, if you’re a 12-year-old in a spelling bee. I’d likely look elsewhere.
Torii Hunter – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 21st homer, and third homer this past week, while hitting over .400 in that time. Yeah, Hunter’s as old as dirt, but he’s also hotter than the booth cushion at your local Red Robin that a large man is sitting on.
Eddie Rosario – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer. I grabbed Rosario for the batty call on Saturday for his doubleheader, and was able to partake in his Sunday homer, but I also dropped him for today for another batty call, since the Twins are not playing. At this point in the season, I’d look to do the same. If it’s a weekly league, I could see grabbing and holding Rosario.
Jay Bruce – 2-for-3, 3 runs and two homers, (23, 24), hitting .233. This is more or less who Bruce is now, a 27-homer, .230 hitter. This Bruce would’ve be lucky to open The Stone Pony during Hurricane Sandy.
Eugenio Suarez – 2-for-4 and his 12th homer. Doesn’t take an Eugenius to know Cozart’s gonna need to find a new place to play next year.
Carlos Gomez – Taking dry swings and will hit off a tee. Guess it’s easier than hitting off a V.
Max Stassi – 2-for-4, 1 run, and a home run on Saturday. Also, this weekend, Stassi was able to round up 12 Jews.
Collin McHugh – 8 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks. Guess what his ERA is? Way too low! It’s 3.93. I know, I thought it was better too. Maybe we can get Melky to alter McHugh’s Ancestry.com page and then send Stassi after him.
Colby Rasmus – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 20th and 21st homer. I’m not saying I’ve enjoyed owning Rasmus, but I will say this. In March, when my team felt light on power and I was in the 20th round of a deep league, there was one guy I knew would be available that would play nearly every day and get 20+ homers. Kendrys Morales, but I needed an outfielder, so I grabbed Rasmus.
Brandon Belt – Dealing with another concussion…Or the same concussion. Brucely, I’m feeling concussion-like symptoms trying to keep track of Belt’s concussions.
Mike Leake – 3 IP, 3 ER. Not bad….For a middle reliever! Oh, snap, the ellipsis dig. Almost as bad as The Big Dig, but ten years quicker to get over it.
Ender Inciarte – 3-for-4 and his 20th steal, after getting three hits and a steal on Saturday. I need SAGNOF, I am royally screwed and I am throwing up my hands to Sir Ender.
David Peralta – 2-for-3 and his 16th homer. The award for the best outfielder that you add and then does nothing goes to…
Patrick Corbin – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks. You know who Corbin’s gonna be next year? The pitcher everyone tells everyone to draft that will still go fairly late in drafts.
Rich Hill – 7 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 10 Ks. That he hasn’t been completely depressing to watch like the documentary of the same name is in itself a success.
Robbie Ross – 1 IP, 0 ER and the save, his 2nd in as many games. Going Rich Hill to Robbie Ross sounds like the forgettable 1980’s “everyone but Eddie” SNL casts.
Travis Shaw – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 2nd game in a row with multiple hits. Okay, it’s not a huge sample size — that’s what she said! — but there’s not much time left and Shaw looks hot.
Dioner Navarro – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer. Member for like a month of the spring the Blue Jays were saying Navarro was going to be the DH and I was like, “There’s no way he’ll be the DH and that’s why you should draft Michael Saunders?” Okay, so Saunders turned out to be a schmohawk, but I was right that even Guy Fieri had no use for this Dioner.
Adrian Gonzalez – Day-to-day with a stiff back. Better than a stiff front like what Holliday was running with.
Pedro Alvarez – 2-for-3 and his 25th homer. He’s about to go to Coors and I was about to pick him up, but the Pirates never seem to play him when I own him. I’m basically just venting because I should’ve grabbed him, and I’m stoopid.
Starling Marte – 2-for-5 and his 17th homer. I’ve so enjoyed owning him on multiple teams this year that I think I might draft Marte in the 2nd round next year. He’s going to be hard to resist.
Carlos Rodon – 7 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.78. Sticking with who this guy will be in next year’s drafts, Rodon will be next year’s Chris Archer. I’ll tell you to draft him, you won’t, you’ll wish you did. Hey, you! I know you! I know you! Yes, you! You’re not mad at him, you just know him. Okay, and that’s a callback to non-Eddie 1980’s SNL too.
David Robertson – 1 IP, 2 ER on Saturday, and now three straight games he’s surrendered multiple runs. It’s been reported that the banning of leaded fuel has caused a sharp downward turn in criminality. The violence rate has turned back up by H2H owners who have Robertson on their teams.
Josh Tomlin – 5 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks. The Stream-o-Nator loved this start, and hates his next one. His next start is tricky. It’s at Kansas City, which is an awful start, but Tomlin has been hot and the Royals could be resting players.
Lonnie Chisenhall – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 7th homer. Lonnie went gonnie!
Sonny Gray – 5 1/3 IP, 5 ER. The Regression Fairies have pulled their PT Cruiser into the garage of Gray’s house and made themselves at home.
Cole Hamels – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 12 Ks. Fun fact! His name is very similar to an overpriced grocery store in the Middle East called Hole Camels.
Derek Holland – 4 1/3 IP, 7 ER. And that’s the last time I let Holland kick me in the Nethers-land.
Mitch Moreland – 1-for-3 and his 22nd homer, and his third homer this week. Hot schmotato alert!
Felix Hernandez – Left yesterday’s game with a stiff elbow, but says he shouldn’t miss his next game. I sure hope he’s fine. No, not because I own him, but because I want people to draft him high next year when I avoid him.
Franklin Gutierrez – 1-for-4 and his 15th homer. That’s his 13th homer in the 2nd half (4th homer in four games). He now has as many homers in the 2nd half as Votto and Trout.
Logan Forsythe – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 17th homer. Here’s a fun exercise (not fun). Who has more RBIs, Forsythe or Longoria (3-for-5, 2 runs)? Does it help if I say Forsythe only has 63 RBIs? Okay, Longoria has more RBIs, but by only five RBIs. A whooping 68 RBIs!
Wei-Yin Chen – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.36 vs. Erasmo Ramirez 7 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.70. This matchup was billed as, “Fantasy owners looked at each pitcher’s ERA in this game, and then began to Google Map search for Samardzija’s home address.”
Kevin Gausman – 6 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks. I grabbed him on Thursday for yesterday’s start, and that turned out to be like waiting three days in line to watch The Phantom Menace.
Chris Davis – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 43rd homer. I hope it’s not asking too much, but could he please hit seven more homers in the final two weeks? I’m not asking for a cure to cancer. I’m asking for some stupid home runs.
Matt Kemp – 3-for-5, 3 runs and his 23rd homer. Also in this game, Yangervis Solarte (2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs) hit his 13th homer; Jedd Gyorko (2-for-5) hit his 16th homer and Cory Spangenberg hit his 3rd homer. I’ll give you two options to where they were playing: Coors or they attached Petco to a giant hot air ballon and flew it a mile into the sky.
Tyler Moore – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 6th homer, and his 2nd home run in as many games. I don’t know if he’ll play every day, but obviously has some schmotatoey goodness.
Yunel Escobar – 4-for-4, 3 runs, 4 RBIs, hitting .324. Yes, you were better off with Yunel than Rendon. Now come back from the ledge. It’s not worth it. There’s always a 2016 sleeper post for Gyorko to look forward to.
Stephen Strasburg – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 3.81. Two more insanely great starts from Strasburg and it’ll go a long way to cutting back on my Maalox during the offseason. By the way, member Gary Maalox? He was a great Phillie outfielder, huh? He didn’t even need to wear a jersey, his stomach was already a dark pink color. Maybe I’m remembering all that incorrectly.
Marcell Ozuna – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer. OZUNA glad to help out your H2H team. OZUNA sure didn’t care about that other guy’s H2H team that owned OZUNA for the first half of the season. OZUNA humming Careless Whisper.
Ryan Weber – 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks. This weekend series between the Braves and Phils promised that each and every lucky fan in attendance would be better than any of the starting hitters, and it didn’t disappoint.
Julio Teheran – 8 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks vs. Aaron Nola 7 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks. The matchup of Nola vs. Teheran was billed as “Two cities the US tried to rebuild with the help of Sean Penn.”
Jerad Eickhoff – 7 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks. You know how the media abbreviates some players names by taking the first few letters of the first name and putting it with the first few letters of the last name? Like Man-Ram. Any chance we hear this guy called, Jer-khoff?