“Hello, I’d like to sign up for your bartending course, Concocktailions. Yes, I saw you were officially endorsed by Bryan Brown who played Doug Coughlin in Cocktail. No, no, I don’t want to bartend professionally. Yes, just do some recreational cocktail slinging. Ideally, I’d just like to learn one drink. How to make a tasty drink from Drano.” Luis Robert will miss at least 12-16 weeks with a tear of the hip flexor, which is the season, boys and five girls. You can’t find a vacuum that sucks this much. Between him and Eloy, I mean, I mean, I mean! UGH! I can’t even grasp words! This is all Tony La Russa’s fault! And the Fantasy Baseball Overlord! *sticking head out of a window* I HATE YOU FANTASY BASEBALL OVERLORD!!! FBO, “I hate me too. Why do I suck so much?” Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Shohei Ohtani – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer and a grounder to short which he turned into his 7th double. I’m not even sure how to describe it. Ohtani is playing at such a quick level he reminds me of when there’s one kid who stayed back a year, and is playing with kids half his size. Oh(tani), and he had his start bumped back, which is a real shame, because I don’t have him on any teams, and I enjoy when he starts and doesn’t accumulate huge hitting value.
Anthony Rendon – 1-for-3 and his 3rd homer, but left after fouling a ball off his knee. Rendon is such a magnet for injuries, that him and George Springer are stuck to the IL refrigerator, and they’ve been on there so long the paint would chip if you peeled them off.
Jose Quintana – 3 2/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 10.59. Quintana should’ve retired about three years ago. Someone put smelling salts under Joe Maddon’s nose to make sure he’s still with us. A bullpen game would be better than rolling Quintana out there every 5th (6th?) day.
Tyler Glasnow – 6 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners (4 BBs), 8 Ks, ERA at 2.06. I didn’t trust Glasnow coming into the year, but that looks like it could be a classic GAB (Grey’s A Bonehead), trademarked in 2019 when he called Travis Shaw his preseason MVP, and started talking in third person to take the heat off himself.
Adam Wainwright – 5 2/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.72, as he was activated from the IL. In this game, he threw to a catcher other than Molina for the first time since 1983. Streamonator loves his next start, and I could see it.
Nolan Arenado – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 5th homer. Separating the white sand from the brown sand was quite a job, but now I can get started on gluing together my Lawrence of Arabia sandpainting right over here by this open window–NOOOO!!! Torenado!!!
Harrison Bader – 1-for-3 and his 2nd homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. Hot schmotato alert!
Steven Matz – 5 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.78. Matz was a broken clock that’s right twice a day for a few of his first starts, now the clock keeps striking midnight and turning him into a pumpkin, repeatedly.
Frankie Montas – 6 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 5.87. I keep getting so many quiestions for Montas, and I keep saying I don’t like him, and wouldn’t roster him, but I wasn’t sure how well he’s doing. Now I see he has a near-6 ERA and he’s generating this many questions? Are you people messing with me? Yes, you people!
Stephen Piscotty – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .222. He homered off Matz, and what’s the chances a Stephen would homer off a Steven? Piscotty doesn’t know! Piscotty doesn’t know!
Tom Murphy – 1-for-2 and his 3rd homer. Guess what he’s hitting. I’ll give you a hint, he has more homers than singles. Haha, yo, you like Teen Wolf, because you’re a woof, man.
Mitch Haniger – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer. Haniger seems to like the deadened balls.
Freddy Galvis – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer. That was a batty call by me and I won’t be calling Freddy back in the morning.
Cedric Mullins – 3-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer, hitting .333. If yesterday was Mullins’s day, that means today it’s Austin Hays’s turn. Like Daniel Day Lewis’s character in Phantom Thread, I observe patterns.
Dustin May – Will undergo Tommy John surgery. It sucks, but he made the right choice. Better to ‘Suck it up, buttercup,’ and buy Dr. James Andrews an 18-inch Rolex to hang from his neck like Flavor Flav vs. trying to rehab by injecting fat from Bartolo’s ass into his arm.
Joc Pederson – Activated from the IL. Kevin from ESPN’s “Get Him In Your Lineup” Department said, “I’m doing an empathy diet where I can only eat other people’s food from the break room.”
Christian Yelich – 2-for-4 as he was activated from the IL. Kevin from ESPN’s “Get Him In Your Lineup” Department said, “See, eating your chicken tikka masala has helped me understand your people better.”
Keston Hiura – Optioned to the minors. Hate to celebrate the misery of others, but I can’t help it. My mother gave me the middle name Schadenfreude so what am I supposed to do? In our Bold Predictions article, I made one bold prediction: Keston Hiura will be demoted at some point, because his average bottoms out. The italics are Donkey’s. Step right up and I will read your future too! *men congregate for the fortunes to be read, Grey points to man with sweatpants* You won’t get laid! *men who have congregate grumble and begin to disperse, Grey points at man in Keston Hiura jersey* You will throw a tomato at me! *tomato chucked at head* See! I know all!
Daniel Vogelbach – 1-for-4 as he played 1st base. Haha, bring back Hiura! Seriously, Vogelbach’s your answer? Yo, the Jelly Donut of Swat about to hit .160. Though, that would be an improvement.
Lorenzo Cain – 1-for-4, 2 runs and his 3rd homer, as he was activated from the IL. The Brewers went overnight from a club that couldn’t hit .200 to a club that will hit .200 with well-known names. Have no real love for Cain anymore, but he might’ve returned as a schmotato.
Tyler Anderson – 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.24. Not a bad stream by me. Ballsy as hell too vs. the Padres! Let’s hear it for the boy! Let’s hear it for the Grey! Let’s give Grey an elbow bump! I wrote 250 words for him last time he pitched, but I know most of you just jump on here to ask me if you should drop James McCann. Here’s what I wrote again, “(Anderson)’s got solid command, and works primarily off a cutter and change with his fastball (90 MPH) just there to supply the setup to the punchout. He’s hovering around a 8.8 K/9, 2.7 BB/9 and 3.50 FIP in a decent division, solid park. He’s struggled with the home run ball, but now that he’s out of Coors, that huge issue may be off the table. Do I love him? Not especially, but he’s 14-team mixed and deeper worthwhile.” And that’s me quoting me!
Luis Arraez – Removed from the game with concussion symptoms, after colliding into Jose Trevino. Wondering how long his symptoms were happening because he forgot rule number one in life, “Don’t run into someone bigger than you.”
Kenta Maeda – 5 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 5.34. Baby steps, Bob, baby steps.
Adolis Garcia – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer. I need homers and saves, so I wouldn’t mind if (A)Dolis is the best pickup this year.
Joey Gallo – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer. He’s so overdue for a 10-homer in fifteen game stretch. 18 months overdue, like we are for a new Better Call Saul season.
Daniel Lynch – 4 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks as he was called up. To make this possible, Jakob Junis was bumped to the bullpen. Hmm…*drives out to CVS, buys the strongest dandruff shampoo, takes forty-five minutes to fold up the CVS receipt because there’s some coupons on there I will never use, drives home, takes shower and douses head in dandruff shampoo*…okay, now I can properly scratch my head about this Junis move. What are the Royals doing? I guess that can be answered with Junis’s replacement, Daniel Lynch. Here’s what Prospect Itch had to say about him, “Listed at 6’6” 190 lbs, Lynch evokes memories of other string bean lefties and backs up the aesthetics with a dynamic arsenal in support of a high-90’s fastball. What his pitch mix looks like in 2021 might be something of a mystery as Lynch spent 2020 focused on developing a reportedly double-plus change-up. He probably only needs fastball, slider change but still has a cutter and curve in his repertoire. I’m eager to see which will work best against MLB bats and which offering he’ll lean into when the going gets tough. Then I’d like some toughs to take out Grey.” What? In deeper mixed leagues, I could see the flyer on Lynch, but ideally I’m not trusting rookies every time out in shallower leagues. Then again, ideal took a vacation once the season started.
Whit Merrifield – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer, hitting .269. That average isn’t very Whitty. Not joking, did someone tell him to ‘nyuk’ it up?
Hunter Dozier – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer, and 2nd homer in two days, and I can’t believe I just dropped him two days ago. Don’t be a stupid idiot like me, and grab Dozier!
Josh Naylor – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 1st homer. I’m excited to announce I started Naylor in one league. I regret to inform you I’m not joking and I actually had a league where I needed to start Naylor.
Eddie Rosario – 1-for-2, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .230. Steep drop to the third best bat in Believeland’s lineup. It’s like Jose Ramirez, Franmil then, “Don’t be scared about taking that last step. You’re attached to a tether.” Turns out the tether wasn’t attached.