Long Ball TONight

First thing you do in Cincy? Eat some spaghetti with chili. Second thing you do, take a picture by the Harambe statue in front of the Cincy Zoo. Third thing you do, make a wager with Pete Rose’s bookie. Fourth thing, tell people that like Johnny Bench used to hold seven baseballs in his hand, your daddy used to hold eight. Then, when asked, you show your father’s picture, which is Jimmy Connors. Fifth thing you do, is go to Great American Park and hit some homers. Tyler O’Neill (2-for-4, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 11th and 12th homer) knows what’s up; Albert Pujols (2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 15th homer) knows how to hit the special baseballs marked by Manfred “Easy Fly” as he marches towards 700; Corey Dickerson (3-for-5, 2 runs) hit his 5th homer as he stays about as hot as anyone; TJ Friedl (1-for-4 with his 3rd homer) goes bang-zoomie, and is challenging Corey Dickerson as one of the hottest schmotatoes in fantasy; Stuart Fairchild (2-for-4 with his 4th homer) has three homers in four games as he keeps pace with Dickerson and Friedl; Chuckie Robinson (1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer)…well, who the fu*kie is Chuckie Robinson? Is he What We Do In The Shadows’s Colin Robinson’s child that he had with that doll? So, Tyler O’Neill has been a real Richard Chamberlain in the side of his owners. Ya know, Chamberlain played a Thorn and O’Neill plays for the Cards, who are birds, so he’s a Thorn Bird. Are y’all following or do you need more crumbs? Honestly, I think O’Neill’s been hurt this year. This was supposed to be the year he cemented himself in the top 20 overall. Instead, he fit our fantasy teams for cement boots. His Launch Angle is down; his HardHit% is down; ground balls are up; listen, nothing’s working. If he has been hurt, then 2023 Tyler O’Neill could be a nice bounce back candidate next year. His price will definitely be much cheaper — “barely at all” is my guess. Can he bounce back? Absolutely. If the price for Tyler O’Neill in 2023 fantasy is where I think it might be, Tyler O’Neill is going to find himself on quite a few sleeper lists. For this year, I like him if he’s hot, but I stopped holding my breath. *lowers head, barely audible* Because I’m wearing a snorkel! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

PSYCHE! Before we get into the roundup, just wanted to announce our week 1 fantasy football projections are available, and season-long projections. Anyway II, the roundup:

Miles Mikolas – 4 1/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 3.48. Just needed to get through five and instead, you asked for me to shove my fist up my rear. Bummer, literally!

Tony Gonsolin – Hit the IL with a forearm strain. It’s not a fake injury, according to people in the know. If it were a fake injury, the Dodgers could say something like he cut his finger while feeding one of his twelve cats, they don’t need to go to forearm strain. I was likely out on Gonsolin next year, anyway, so Shruggy the Emoji doesn’t care all that much. You got more than you could’ve ever imagined this year, so send back the cookie and tell them you already had a good fortune. Hold or drop in redraft? Injury might be minor or fake, so, if you have IL room, hold.

Will Smith – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 19th homer. He smacked that pitch like its name was Chris Rock.

Trevor Rogers – Will be activated on Wednesday. He said it’s the best he’s felt in his professional career. Sounds like he just got laid. Was Rogers rogering someone?

Pablo Lopez – 6 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.64. If you started Pab-Lo vs. the Dodgers, you have grapes the size of watermelons and your pants don’t zip up. On a somewhat related note, Pab-Lo pitches his heart out, and the Dodgers throw some guy, Grove, who sounds like an outdoor mall, and the Dodgers still win. Good luck other teams.

Zack Wheeler – Out with forearm tendinitis and expects to return next Tuesday. Impossible to say until we see him pitch again, but, if he appears fine, then it was a fake injury. If he returns with three miles off his fastball and a guy with a handful of batteries in the stands is crying, then the injury was real, and it’s bad news.

Ranger Suarez – 3 2/3 IP, 2 ER,ERA at 3.42, but he gave up four more unearned runs, and I was staggering around like Redd Foxx having a heart attack before I realized it was a ticker shock.

Kyle Schwarber – 2-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 36th homer.  There were guys on base for The Schwammer yesterday, but has anyone knocked Rob Thomson on his head and asked him if he could put down his platinum records and explain why he’s batting a .210 hitter with power at leadoff?

Corbin Carroll – 1-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs as he was called up. Gave you my Corbin Carroll fantasy yesterday, and Bdon and I go over him at length on the podcast this week, which will be available to watch first on Youtube.

Carson Kelly – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs I saw he was leading off, and I legit laughed for 20 minutes straight, then wheezed, then fell over and had to be helped back into my shopping cart, so Cougs could push me around the store. I know he’s been hot recently, but he has a .291 OBP. C’mon, bro!

Stone Garrett – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. Hot schmotato alert! Also, unless I missed an injury on why he was removed from the game later on, it’s pretty corny for the Dbags to change outfielders up by six runs.

Clay Holmes – 1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 2.34, as he was activated from the IL. I’m assuming Holmes is the Yankees’ closer again. I feel confident about this assumption, like when your uncle is single at 57 and lives with his pal, Frank, and you assume he doesn’t want your mom to set him up with her co-worker, Janice. Even if Holmes entered the 7th inning yesterday. Call me crazy, but I just don’t see the Yanks going to Wandy Peralta.

Anthony Rizzo – 1-for-4 and his 29th homer. HR to the Izzo!

Aaron Judge – 1-for-2 and his 50th homer. Whatever, Lourdes Gurriel Jr. has five homers! *hand under armpit, makes farting noise*

Frankie Montas – 6 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.95. As Dan Campbell would say, Yankees are having their one butt cheek and three toes handed to them on this road trip thru the worst the AL West has to offer. Ya kinda have to wonder if the Yankees didn’t hear about Montas’s injury in July.

Luis Rengifo – 1-for-4 and his 11th homer, and 2nd homer in two games. Rengifo went from off the radar to on sleeper radars in three weeks.

Shohei Ohtani – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 29th homer. Love to see him get hot, get to 40 HRs, and get people serious about giving him another MVP. The three gets! Absolutely deserves it, but, a 4th get, I get the sense people are now a little humdrum on him, even though what he’s doing has been done never.

Mike Ford – 2-for-3 and his 1st homer. Saw someone in my AL-Only league pick him up, and, being 100% honest, I had no idea why. I was like, “Mike Ford? This guy trade in his Jimmy Nissan?” Guess Ford’s going to get reps for the injured Walsh. Yeah, no interest unless he gets hot.

Jose Suarez – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.10. Was kinda brutal in April and July, but in June and August, his ERAs have been 2.35 and under. Suarez and Detmers have been what we thought we were going to get from Syndergaard, who looks like a guy who is killed in every episode of House of the Dragon.

Jimmy Herget – 2/3 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 2.75, and his 4th save, and 2nd save in as many chances for the Angels. Vis-à-vis, therefore, Herget is the Angels’ lead option for saves.

Carlos Rodon – 4 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.03. He gave up a first inning dinger to Brandon Drury (24th homer), then shouted, “Drury!” and they paused the inning while Rodon could do a quick breathalyzer. Wish he were drunk and they pulled him from the game.

Joc Pederson – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 19th homer. It’s already time again for him to hit ten homers in eight games? Nice!

Mike Clevinger – 5 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.59. Is it me (it’s not me) or does it feel like Clevinger gets shut down and started up once every two weeks?

Nick Martinez – 1 1/3 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 3.02, as he got the save. Bob Melvin said he prefers Martinez as his closer. Not Hader? Weird. Can hold Luis Garcia, if you’re desperate, but it sounds like it’s Martinez’s job to lose, which he came very close to doing last night.

Tyler Mahle – Could return on Friday vs. the White Sox. In this post, talking a lot about pitchers returning or leaving us to an IL stint, and, let me just say, I have no idea if these guys were or are injured. Kinda like what I said for Zack Wheeler. My guess is a lot of these guys can be replaced by streamers off the Streamonator, and you’ll do as well as guys with “name value.”

Dylan Bundy – 4 2/3 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 4.53. *groaning* You’re so useless! One more third of a freakin’ inning! Not asking for a Cy Young, you insult to Major League pitchers.

Oneil Cruz – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 11th homer, and he had three of the top nine exit velocities vs. Corbin Burnes ever hit, all in the first three innings. His new name: Cruz Missile. Next year, Cruz Missile’s either going to go 30/20/.240 or 30/20/.190. Who’s paying to find out? I just might. He’s so fun, it’s gonna be hard to say no.

Corbin Burnes – 6 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.01. Around 40th overall on the Player Rater, or roughly the same as Alek Manoah, but if you didn’t draft a starter in the top 15 overall, what could you possibly do to make up for that? Nothing, am I right? Maybe just draft Alek Manoah, but besides that! What is there to do? Maybe draft Dylan Cease, who I wrote a sleeper for, but otherwise? What else could you do? Shane McClanahananananananananan? Sure, I wrote a sleeper for him too, but other than that! Gonsolin? Fine! You could’ve picked him up off waivers, or drafted him like I told you to, but who else?! I’m begging you to name one.

Keston Hiura – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 14th homer. Told everyone to grab him. People don’t want to be read the future. It scares them.

Garrett Mitchell – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and a slam (1) and legs (1). Roughly 20-something years ago, was there a Garrett in the news, because we’re getting a lot of them. Are all of their parents Brad Garrett fans? Everybody loves Robert? Any hoo! I like Garrett Mitchell a lot for speed, less for power, and you might need to platoon him.

Javier Assad – 5 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 1 K, ERA at 0.00. Too bad his name isn’t Jason, so he can be a real Turkey. Ya know, a Jason Assad. Adjacent! No? Okay, sorry. Even if the Streamonator was interested, which it won’t be, I wouldn’t mess with Assad. (He’s got WMDs!)

Danny Jansen – 2-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 11th homer, and his 2nd homer in the past three games. Hey, DJ, pump that hottie (schmotato).

Bradley Zimmer – Claimed off waivers by the Jays. When he became available, the Jays’ GM did his best Don Corelone impression and said, “Look a Bra-Zi!”

Jose Berrios – 5 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 11 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 5.32. Taking 18 years to become a master calligrapher and for my thesis, in order to become a doctor of calligraphy, I’m writing in gorgeous calligraphy on a filled chamber pot, “Inside you will find Jose Berrios.”