I don’t know how Kutter Crawford‘s parents immediately knew he was going to be a pitcher, but there’s no other way to explain him being named Kutter. Unless they promised the doctor to name the baby after him, and they failed to get his name, but it was a Cesarean. Any hoo! Since Nathan Eovaldi hit the IL with back inflammation — I prefer Nathan’s hot dogs vs. Nathan’s hot back — and Whitlock hit the IL, Kutter Crawford (5 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 4 walks, 7 Ks, ERA at 5.74) could be in the rotation for the foreseeable future. Crawford had elbow issues for most of his professional career, which accounts for his low inning totals in the minors. His velocity touches 95 with two breaking pitches and appears to be an up-and-down arm, that would stick if he commands his pitches, which he seems unable to do, so he’s very risky. Guess he should be glad his parents didn’t name him, Intentionalwalk. Though, would’ve been nice if his folks just named him, Immaculateinning. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Robbie Ray – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.52. Watched this game with a lot of slamticipation, but instead I saw maybe Ray’s best game of the year. That’s it, that’s what he needs, me watching! Will do, you tight-pantsed freak!

Mike Clevinger – Hit the Covid IL. Clevinger’s finding a way to limit his innings this year without limiting his innings.

Nick Martinez – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.74. This is mostly aimed at you, dear reader, but it could also be advice for the Padres. For this year, Nick Martinez is the same diff as Clevinger. Though, Streamonator hates Martinez’s next, and with good reason.

MacKenzie Gore – 2 1/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 2.50. He got singled to death like a stripper in a bad Cinemax movie.

Blake Snell – 6 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 5.04 vs. 7 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 6.09. This matchup was billed as, “If ifs and buts were Ks and wins, both of these guys would be aces.”

Shane Baz – 2 1/3 IP, 5 ER, as he was activated from the IL. Was pretty out on Baz after David Caruso found loose bodies in his elbow, but that was back in March, now we’re in June and he’s healthy. Prior to the surgery, I had him around a top 30 starter, and if I were reranking, I’d put him back around there now, i.e., I put no weight on one bad start right back from the IL. You might want to bench him until we see a good one, though.

Randy Arozarena – 1-for-3, 2 runs, and two steals (11, 12). I stand by what Grey Cruise is saying in this:

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Jeffrey Springs – 5 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 1.45. I think I now understand, “Hope Springs eternal.” He’s pitching well. This good? No, but absolutely good enough to roster in the shallowest of leagues — 9.1 K/9, 2.2 BB/9, 3.28 xFIP.

Kevin Kiermaier – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and a slam (7) and legs (5),and multiple hits in the last three games. Could be a light schmotato.

Yasmani Grandal – Left Saturday’s game with a leg injury. Maybe the White Sox should, I don’t know, wild guess here, just speculation, not much more than thinking aloud, kinda stretch a little before games? Never seen a team that can’t jog to first without an injury.

Michael Kopech – Left the game with a knee injury, because, of course:  It’s the White Sox. White Sox might need to sacrifice something to the baseball gods to lift their curse…not sure what they have left to do that…can’t think of anyone…hmm…Maybe someone who rhymes with Pony Ma Gussa?

Jon Gray – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 4.85. “Man, this Gray guy is awesome,” I say as I turn away from the mirror. But we push in and see, on the mirror was Jon Gray’s line from yesterday. The audiences are left to figure out their own meaning.

Eli White – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer, but left after a collision with Charlie Culberson. White’s headed for x-rays on his wrist. Maybe this will quiet everyone who says baseball is fake.

Ezequiel Duran – 2-for-6, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer. Ezequiel is churning rookie nookie into nookie butter.

Eric Lauer – 5 IP, 8 ER, ERA at 3.36. The Regression Fairies are obsessed with Doja Cat TikTok challenges, and they will destroy your ratios.

Willy Adames – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 11th homer, hitting .200. With Wong down, it’s nice to see signs of life from Willy.

Adam Duvall – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 5th and 6th homer. If you take nothing else away from this post, Duvall is a hot schmotato. He could hit 15 homers in a month. Grab him now.

William Contreras – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 9th homer. He’s a top 10 catcher. Right now. So, if you play in a league of 12 teams or shallower, Contreras should be rostered.

Matt Olson – 1-for-4 and his 8th homer. My expectations have lowered so dramatically, I will take 25 homers and a .250 average. Please. Just give me a bad year from Josh Bell.

Bryan Reynolds – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 10th homer, hitting near-.400 in the month of June. Early on it was Brr-yan; now it’s Br-yay. That was so bad, sorry you had to read it.

Rougned Odor – 1-for-4 and his 7th homer. Anecdotally, it feels like Odor only homers on Saturday or Sunday, because, whenever I’m looking at weekly waivers for FAAB, Odor is enticing, then, immediately on Monday, I have regrets.

Ryan Mountcastle – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 9th homer. Fun fact! People at Ellis Island shortened his family name from MountcastlestarringOlivia ColmanandDavidTennant.

Anthony Santander – 2-for-6, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer. Cool, I like him, but what I really want to know is do the O’s demote Adley Rutschman or hire Matt Wieters to be his hitting coach?

Michael A. Taylor– 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer, and 2nd homer in the last three games. His full middle name is Aschmotato.

Bobby Witt Jr. – 3-for-5, 2. runs, and his 8th homer. What’s truly cool is how Witt and Jul-Rod are both 3-hole hitters. I need a “sincere font” so it’s obvious, because everything I write sounds sarcastic.

Hunter Dozier – 4-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer, hitting .270. Four-hit day and a homer is almost an automatic hot schmotato alert, even against the O’s.

Edward Cabrera – 3 2/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.45. I hate you, Regression Fairies.

Bryan De La Cruz – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer. De La’s power is meany, meany, meany, meany — Say What?

Jeremy Pena – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and a slam (9) and legs (6). Big year for AL rookies, which has taken some shine off Pena, but he’s clearly been fantasy valuable, and him vs. Correa? Hasn’t been close.

Jose Altuve – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 12th homer. Funny, 12 is also when Altuve stopped growing.

Justin Verlander – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 1.94. At your draft, you were between two vets, Scherzer and deGrom. You should’ve been between Justin and Verlander.

Clayton Kershaw – 4 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 2.12 as he was activated from the IL. Now the question is when will the Dodgers want to give Kershaw another month of rest? Right before the playoffs? Sometime in August? Extended All-Star break vacation?

Walker Buehler – Hit the IL, and won’t pick up a baseball for at least eight weeks, due to a strained elbow. Oh, that old chestnut. Pitching is such a mess. You should take a second and look at the top 20 starters on the Player Rater, and then think back on how everyone told you to grab a top starter. Literally same story every year. No one drafted in the top 20 starters does well. Next preseason, everyone will tell you to grab a top starter. Like clockwork. Every year.

Jakob Junis – Hit the IL with a hamstring strain. June is not Jakob’s month.

Carlos Rodon – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.18. The pitching version of Buxton. If Rodon stays on the field, he’ll be great. That “if” is the size of Babe, the blue ox.

Mike Yastrzemski – 2-for-4 and his 6th homer. Feels like I’ve been waiting for 18 months for Carl’s Jr. Jr. to get hot.

Zack Wheeler – 6 IP, 0 ER, 2 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.84. Wheeler is rolling now! See what I did there? How could you miss it?

Corey Knebel – Dealing with shoulder tightness. It happened when he saw a press clipping of old manager, Girardi. Damn, Joe, leave Knebel alone! This doesn’t sound good, but maybe not the end of Knebel. I grabbed Hand, which sounds like an alien trying to sing the Beatles, but Seranthony Hopkins Dominguez might also see saves.

Ranger Suarez – 4 1/3 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 4.40. I’ve seen enough. He’s clearly a long-man throwing coins in a mall fountain, wishing he’s a starter.

Cal Quantrill – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.38. Streamonator says he’s going from one of the best matchups (home vs. A’s) to one of the worst, and I agree. Me and the robot, simpatico.

Hunter Greene – 5 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 5.10. That’s two straight solid starts from Greene, which is what he had before he was roughed up last time, so we will see. By the by, Hunter Greene’s got a nickname just sitting out there, waiting to be taken: Camo.

Graham Ashcraft – 4 2/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 2.22. The Regression Fairies were running hot and fast on Sunday like they just watched a young Antonio Sabàto Jr.

Tommy Pham – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 8th homer. That homer was for all the people who email their whole fantasy league, saying they’re gonna quit the league if people don’t stop making awful trades.

Nolan Arenado – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer. My great uncle willed me a piece of Chris Chambliss’s jersey, that he ripped from Chambliss’s body as he was circling the bases in the 1976 ALCS. I’ll show you, it’s over by that open window–NOOOOOO!!! Torenado!

Juan Yepez – 3-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer. Yepez with a wake-up call to tell you he’s still in the majors.

Wade Miley – Returned to the IL with a shoulder strain. Has any pitcher successfully returned from a shoulder strain? *tumbleweeds roll past*

Seiya Suzuki – Shut down for five days. Seiya’s doctor has paused Suzuki’s rehab for now. He shares a doctor with Jonathan India.

Ian Happ – 3-for-3, 2 runs, 1 RBI and his 7th homer. As he circled the bases, he did so while shaving. Weird, not sure why.

Jordan Montgomery – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.70. There was a Shane McClanahan sleeper; there was a Patrick Sandoval sleeper; there was a Jordan Montgomery sleeper; there was a Dylan Cease sleeper; there was a Sean Manaea sleeper; there was a Ranger Suarez sleeper–Okay, they weren’t all gems.

Kyle Higashioka – 3-for-5, 3 runs, and his 1st and 2nd homer. Whatever, we’ve all moved onto Jose Trevino, thank you very much.

Matt Carpenter – 3-for-4, 3 runs, 7 RBIs and his 5th and 6th homer. He’s been great, terrific, adjective. It is so freakin’ wild that the Yanks just shoved Carpenter right into their lineup, batting him fifth, and gave Andujar what, 250 ABs in the last four years? I mean, Carpenter’s working now like this is Extreme Home Makeover, but it doesn’t make it make sense.

Pete Alonso – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 18th homer. Albombso!

Taijuan Walker – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 3.08. It wouldn’t have been the worst moves this year to only draft New York pitchers.

Jared Walsh – 1-for-4 and a cycle on Saturday. Jared Walsh hit a cycle; Christian Walker was a homer short of the cycle; Ian Happ was a double short of the cycle — you can’t tell me Rob Manfred hasn’t juiced the baseballs with cycles.

Ross Stripling – 6 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, zero walks, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.14. Not a bad Streamonator call for that two-start week! Thank you, robot, may I have another! *sees Brady Singer has a two-start week* Uhh…

Vladimir Guerrero Jr. – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 14th homer. That homer was just the icing on the Cake Batter.

Ramon Laureano – 1-for-4 and his 2nd homer. He actually struck out on the pitch before but it wasn’t called. Bring on Rosey the Robot ump!

Christian Bethancourt – 2-for-4 and a slam (4) and legs (4), as he hit third. He homered on Saturday and has been tagging the ball, schmotato-style for a few days. This Bethancourt isn’t just a Real Housewife in custody.

Seth Brown – 1-for-3 and a slam (8) and legs (6). Between Seth and Bethancourt, gonna start calling them the Oakland Ath.