I was feeling reflective yesterday, so I turned to the mirror and sang to myself, I bought a toothbrush, some toothpaste–Mirror, “Please don’t sing that song.”–A flannel for my facePajamas, a hairbrush–“Please stop, please.”–New shoes, and a case! I said to my reflection–Stop Squeeze’ng me! Yesterday, Josh Naylor H.A.M. got on a roll (4-for-5, 3 runs, 6 RBIs) with a slam (8) and legs (4). Naylor? Can’t we talk first? Get to know each other? I’m tempted but the truth is discovered…Can Josh Naylor become a thing? Sure. I fumble for the clock…alarmed by the seduction…Time to get serious, what kind of thing did you have in mind with Naylor? There is a large contingent of 1st basemen like Josh Naylor who will give 20-24 homers, no speed and a .270 average. I even made him this week’s Buy in the Anime Grey video at top of the page, and I have to write and record that a week in advance. In Squeeze terms, that’s a novel, some perfume, a fortune all for you. It’s basically a top 15 1st baseman, and right now he’s around the 25th best 1st baseman (or was prior to yesterday, at least), so he’s got some ground to gain. Will you become bored of Naylor if you roster him? I see what you’re saying…Tempted by the fruit of another… Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Shane Bieber – 4 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 3.72. You know when Keanu plants his feet in The Matrix and motions forward his opponent in a fight stance? That’s 4.00 ERA calling towards it all MLB pitchers.

Josh Bell – 1-for-4 and his 4th homer. Just chuckled thinking back at the people who were saying the end of the shift meant good things for Josh Bell. Or the end of the shift meaning anything good for anyone.

Andres Gimenez – 4-for-5, 2 RBIs. Mm-hmm, tell me more, tell me more.

Amed Rosario – 0-for-5, 1 run. Tell me less, tell me less. Guards scored 12 runs and Amed went oh-for-five with one run. Ticker tease!

Anthony Santander – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer. On pace for around 27-30 homers, and, if he gets there with a .275+ average, he’ll be an easy top 40 outfielder, as he is now on the Player Rater, i.e., if your league is 10 teams with three OF, which is about as shallow as they come, Santander still plays there, if you have UTIL slots.

Keibert Ruiz – 3-for-4, 3 runs, and his 6th and 7th homer, and three homers in the last two games. Catcher questions in 3, 2, 1…

CJ Abrams – 1-for-5 and his 6th homer. Him having as many homers as steals would’ve been like Billy Hamilton having as many homers as steals. It makes no sense. Oh, and it was against Noah Syndergaard, a guy who gives free steals like after Paulie took over the bar in Goodfellas.

Jeimer Candelario – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and a a slam (7) and legs (1). The Nats are surprisingly not a bad hitting team. They’re fifth in the league with average. Though there’s not a lot of power behind their noodles, as they rank 21st in OPS. (Right ahead of the Astros.)

Luis Garcia – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 4th homer, and the 5th Nats’ homer yesterday, and he’s the majors’ 6th Luis Garcia.

Mookie Betts – 2-for-5 and his 12th and 13th homer. Mookie Best!

Jared Shuster – 5 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners (4 BBs), 1 K, ERA at 4.99. This start was vs. the A’s, but Shuster gets a harder test next time out with the Mets, and the Streamonator hates it. I kinda hope it goes pfft so A.S.S. gets a shot.

Ozzie Albies – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer, hitting .251, and hitting 7th. Not going to say anything negative, because every time I do he starts hitting. I am a lesson learner!

Gary Sanchez – 1-for-3 and his 1st homer. The fifth team this season is the charm!

Blake Snell – 6 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.50. Elias Sports Bureau said this is the first time Blake Snell has gone beyond 4 2/3 IP.

Braxton Garrett – 5 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.22. Wanna mention what Braxton’s ERA would be without the 11 ER game, but I won’t. Other than that mention.

Aaron Nola – 6 IP, 4 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.70. There’s plenty of worst pitchers, but Nola feels like the “Best worst pitcher.” Just goes out there and gives up four to five runs each game, throwing 6+ innings.

Carlos Carrasco – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 5.74, but two straight Quality Starts, and I’m vaguely interested, but the Streamonator hates his next one, and I agree. So, cyclops with a monocle for now.

Alex Wood – 4 1/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 4.80. Not coincidentally, I no longer have Wood.

Mitch Keller – 6 IP, 4 ER, 11 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.25. Just missed another Quality Start, but Keller was the first Pirates pitcher to strike out 8+ batters in seven consecutive games, which is remarkable, considering the Pirates have been around since they were lowercase.

Riley Greene – Hit the IL with a stress fracture of his fibula. No lie!

Reese Olson – Will take EdRod’s rotation spot. The Tigers haven’t drafted a good pitcher since Rick Porcello in 2007. I might’ve missed someone, and some will say Casey Mize or Tarik Skubal or whomever could still be solid, and maybe they might be, but I went through fifteen years of Tigers’ draft picks and found so few standouts.

George Kirby – 8 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.04. Whatever the Tigers are doing with their pitchers, stop immediately and just watch Mariners games.

Lance Lynn – 4 IP, 8 ER, ERA at 6.55. It’s fun to get flogged once a week by Lynn, right? Hey, serious question, why does Lynn suck so bad? His peripherals aren’t bad. Is it because he can’t handle having a Burger in the dugout? Is it too distracting? How did I manage to find this year’s Jose Berrios? Will Lynn be good next year when I don’t have him in any leagues? I have questions, y’all! And I need answers, please, I’m standing on this ledge, waiting.

Mike Trout – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 13th homer. No idea who this guy is, but I will read up on him!

Shohei Ohtani – 2-for-3, 3 runs, 4 RBIs and his 14th and 15th homer, and 3rd homer in two games, and 3rd homer in two games where he’s on bench for a start later this week. But who’s counting?

Taylor Ward – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer, and 2nd homer in the last two games. He’s back, baby! I hope, at least. For a splash of refresher in your brain freeze, I did write up a Taylor Ward sleeper this preseason. I loved him coming into the year. Maybe he’s finally coming out of it.

Jaime Barria – 5 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 1.59. A 9 K/9, 2.9 BB/9, 3.71 xFIP plays, but it’s in 34 IP, so it’s hard to say it’s real. His fastball is up on the year, and he’s using it a lot less. Going to change and slider more. That’s a pitch mix that seems to be working. Better command and stronger pitch mix with more velocity could be a recipe for success. Could.

Julio Teheran – 6 IP, 0 ER, 4 hits, zero walks, zero Ks, ERA at 0.82. I tried to FAAB him in a few leagues, but ended up with no shares (that I remember; I have a lot of leagues, so I might be forgetting). Why FAAB Teheran if he stinks? Good question, Clunky Expositional Segue. I have some deep leagues is the short answer, where everyone is rostered. That’s the long answer too, tee bee aitch. Could he be a 4.50 ERA pitcher? Yes, which is worth something in NL Only leagues.

Abraham Toro – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer, as he gets his 1st start with the Brewers. Toro’s one of those guys I love, and not just when I’m hungry and in the mood for sushi. He’s got nice speed and power, and makes great contact. The problem is he never plays full-time, and once Winker, Urias and/or Adames return he might be sent down or to the bench.

Alek Manoah – 4 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 5.46. “How about a small, wooden raft held together by twine, and Lance Lynn and Alek Manoah sitting on it, then cast off into the ocean?” Sorry, was just recounting a lovely daydream I had.

Spencer Steer – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer, and 2nd homer in three games. Well, if he’s gonna prospblock CES, at least he’s doing it while hitting.

Masataka Yoshida – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 7th homer. All right, we have a big enough sample size, let’s look at him! Great contact, and walk rate, love that! Ground ball rate? Wow, I hate that. His Launch Angle stinks and he’s gonna struggle to hit 20 homers. In the preseason, I said he looks like he could be Alex Verdugo, and that still kinda makes sense.

Enmanuel Valdez – 1-for-3 and his 4th homer. Neither here nor there, but this guy looks so much like Dave Roberts. A Davelganger, if you will.

James Paxton – 5 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 4.26. There’s no sorta sample size yet to hang a hat on, but Paxton l0oks like the ace he once was. That could change with one bad start, since he only has four games started, but he looks excellent under the hood.

Hunter Brown – 4 2/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.61. Hey, the Fantasy Baseball Overlord just appeared to me as an apparition and said, “You can’t have anything nice.” Anyone have any ideas what He meant?

Louie Varland – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.51. This start was in Houston, so now I’m excited for my start of Ohtani in Houston, so that’ll mean even further for me to fall. Varland’s peripherals look a bit like Faedo, but he has better stuff, pound for pound to avoid a pounding. So, great command, 95 MPH fastball, yadda3.

Jake Meyers – 1-for-4 and his 5th homer, and 2nd homer in the last three games. Meyers and McCormick are trading places. But Louie started this game, not Louis. And anyone with the last name Ray is sidelined for 14 months.

Tommy Henry – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.73. It’s almost like the worst the pedigree of the pitcher the better they pitch.

Dane Dunning – 5 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.06. Sadly laughing, which turns into fits of sobs as I look at Lance Lynn’s ERA vs. Dunning’s. Streamonator hates Dunning’s next start, but it’s vs. the Cards at home, and seems plenty startable.

Jose Siri – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer. He’ll be in Friday’s Buy column, which is available already on the Patreon.

Brandon Lowe – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer. B. Lowe reminds me of something, who is the guy pinch-hitting below Miles Mastrobuoni in the Cubs’ lineup? Christopher Morel? Oh, wow, I thought he retired, and that’s why David Ross stopped playing him. Very cool.

Zach Eflin – 6 IP, 3 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.30. Was going to say I wrote a Zach Eflin sleeper post this preseason, but it was actually Coolwhip. One of my many alias. I kid, but I did go to a funeral recently (always a fun way to start a story) and a reader was there. He said to me something like, “How many of the articles written are by you? Are you Laura? JKJ? Coolwhip?” He was shocked to hear I was only Grey.

Justin Steele – 3 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 2.65, as he decided to leave early from the game for no reason. Sticks head into sand, someone taps my shoulder, yells through straw that I’m using to breathe through, “I don’t want to buy any life insurance if that’s what you want!” Person taps my shoulder again. “Please! Leave me alone!” Person, who is tapping shoulder, screams, “Steele has forearm tightness!” I don’t want to know! Please leave now!