I’m going to break this down to you nice and simple like Minnie Pearl would’ve liked it. Guys that bust and you don’t want next year, you should be rooting for in the 2nd half. That’s guys that bust, not guys with a bust. Please, Billy Butler, stop pretending to lactate by dripping milk on your shirt. The reason you want them to succeed in August and September, because A) They’re prolly on teams that have checked out and are checking on our fantasy football content (Football RCLs sign up today; smooth transition), so no harm, no foul. B) You want people to get excited about them next March because of their 2nd half, while you ignore them, because you know they’re not good. Then the cycle starts again. They draft players that were good in the 2nd half, those players are not good in the 1st half next year, and they check out again. Rinse, repeat. C) There’s no C. Yesterday, Josh Donaldson (2-for-4, 4 RBIs) hit his 14th and 15th homers, and has four homers this month. Here’s to him helping all of those tenth place teams move up to ninth and exciting everyone again next year! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
CC Sabathia – 3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 4.05. Random Prediction Alert! In the playoffs, the Fox announcers are going to make a huge deal out of the fact that Sabathia isn’t in the rotation and is this great weapon in the bullpen, because playoff announcers literally prepare six minutes before the game by watching video content on Fox Sports dot com.
Robbie Ray – Threw off the bump yesterday. Then a man, rubbing his gums, walked in, screaming, “Get off my bump!”
Zack Godley – 6 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.94. Okay, so Godley’s human. It was a tough matchup. I’d continue to roll with him.
Jake Lamb – 2-for-4, 5 RBIs and his 24th and 25th homers. Lamb, da duh duh, da duh duh, make noise b-boys!
Clayton Kershaw – Threw from flat ground. Kyrie Irving said, “I told you!”
Kenta Maeda – 5 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.69. I regret not keeping Maeda on my RCL team all year, but that whole ‘Dodgers have 17 starters and are working the DL like it’s a Kardashian working a black man,’ I just couldn’t hold.
Justin Turner – 2-for-4 and his 14th and 15th homers, and four homers in three games. He’s doing a flipsy-doodle (totally a saying) on his 1st half. Now he’s hitting for power, and not average.
Reynaldo Lopez – Will be called up to start on Friday for the Alt-Right Sox. Prospector Ralph said, “He can touch 100 on the gun, and he’s loved in some circles, but I don’t see it. Lopez looks like a bullpen guy to me. Maybe Grey might like him because Grey is stupid.” Hey, c’mon! For what it’s Werth, Lopez didn’t make Ralph’s top 200 fantasy baseball prospects. I see the 10+ K/9 and 100 MPH fastball and get a little weak in the knees, but I also see a roofie and a 1.55 WHIP coming.
Avisail Garcia – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 1 RBI and his 5th steal, as he was activated from the DL. He came back after one rehab game at Charlotte, North Carolina. The prudish bordering town to Samantha, North Carolina.
Kevan Smith – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 3rd homer. Meh, I checked out on Kevan Smith when he cast Alanis Morrissette as God. The future is female, God is female, my dog wants to transition to a female, etc. It’s all good, I don’t care. But Alanis, specifically, can’t act and she sings to Dave Coulier. No thanks.
Dallas Keuchel – 4 IP, 8 ER, ERA up to 2.87. 5, 4, 3 (counts to self)…And he’s back on the DL! Hmm, not yet? How about now? Now?
Yulieski Gurriel – 3-for-5 and his 15th homer, and 2nd homer in four games. If this year is any indication, he seems like the type to get crazy hot for a week at a time, and he’s hitting near-.350 in the last week. (So, does that mean he’s about to cool off? Hmm…)
Max Kepler – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 12th and 13th homers. I told you he was a sleeper! *slowly backs out of room, slowly backs into room with people who drafted Kepler* Oh, hey.
Eddie Rosario – 3-for-4, 3 runs and his 13th and 14th homers, and his 3rd homer in the last three games, and, well, anyone actually picking this guy up? If I had my druthers, and knew what druthers were, I’d go with Kepler of these two two-homer guys.
Randal Grichuk – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 14th homer, as he hit ninth. Also, in this game, Jedd Gyorko (1-for-2, 2 runs, 3 RBIs) hit his 15th homer, and Yadier Molina (2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs) hit his 13th homer. This has me curious about something. One second, going to do research. And back! Surprised to report, the Cards’ offense isn’t good for homers or in general.
Giancarlo Stanton – 1-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 38th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games, and 3rd in four games. This is also the 5th time this year he’s hit multiple home runs in a week while I sat in his garbage can waiting for him to get home.
Derek Dietrich – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 7th homer, and 2nd homer this week, and hitting .350 in that time. If you like your diet rich of schmotatoes, I could see adding him.
Vance Worley – 6 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 4.82. Now two solid starts in back-to-back games, but I can’t recommend giving Vance a Worley.
Brian Goodwin – 3-for-5, 2 runs and continues to hit and leadoff. I thought Michael Taylor was due back any day now, but that was a terrible Annie Potts TV show, and Goodwin is hitting.
Johan Camargo – Hyperextended his knee and needed to be helped off the field. He injured it how? Trotting out to the field. Sounds like a bad insurance claim on a racehorse. The Braves’ other shortstop, Dansby, will be recalled, and hopefully recalls how to hit.
Jose Pirela – 4-for-4, 3 runs, hitting .299. Yesterday, I said could be a schmotato. Today, I’m saying dur, grab him.
Austin Hedges – 2-for-4 and his 15th homer. Continued from above blurb. Dot dot dot. And they’re in Cincy!
Michael Brantley – Left yesterday’s game with an ankle sprain after falling to the ground. Hey, you got more from him than anyone had any right to.
Corey Kluber – 9 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA at 2.65, and nearly lost the game to Nazi-in-hiding, German Marquez – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.88. Early on, the Indians should’ve been ashamed of themselves for not providing Kluber with any support. I’d say the Indians should’ve been red-faced, but I might get Social Justice Warriors sending me letters. Kluber’s only mistake was allowing Chazz Noir’s 26th homer. You know all Klubers have a soft spot for the Noir, this was just unfair! Then, in the ninth inning, Yan Gomes hit his 7th homer, because Yan Can Walk Off!
Felix Hernandez – Diagnosed with right shoulder bursitis, and will be out for at least a month, but I’d guess he’ll miss the rest of the season since this same injury knocked him out for six weeks earlier in the year. If you were hoping for something from F-Her, you’re screwed, which makes you ‘her.’
Khris Davis – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 30th homer, hitting .242. Davis gets no love from anyone. Seriously, it’s like fantasy baseballers’ (<–my mom’s term!) eyes glaze over as soon as a hitter’s average dips below .245.
Ryon Healy – 3-for-4, 2 runs and his 21st homer. This guy isn’t old enough, or with a long enough track record yet for this, but he constantly gives me a DLzebub on my shoulder whispering evil thoughts into my ear, when he’s pulled late in a game.
Julio Teheran – 5 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 5.25. In the offseason, this is gonna be a guy I’m looking at hard for a potential bounce back.
Freddie Freeman – 1-for-4 and his 21st homer, and 2nd homer in the last three games. Maybe the injury to his wrist is hist, because his fantasy value is no longer heading up the river with a boat and no paddle, and he’s handing out beat downs.
Odubel Herrera – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and a slam (12) and double legs (6, 7). Every time you try to count ODB out, he puts out a posthumous album.
Keynan Middleton – 1 IP, 1 ER and his 1st save. Whoa, Prince William’s wife got a save? And not for the Royals? This might be the end of Bud Norris’ days of closing, but Middleton is 100% poop emoji, and I didn’t pick him up. I did grab Cam Bedrosian, but, honestly, he’s not much better.
Jose Quintana – 6 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 4.42 overall, and 4.20 ERA on Chicago, which is the Dee-Oh-Double-Gee ERA. This game was vs. the Giants, which brings me to how do you get hit by the Giants? How is it even possible? I will wait for my answer.
Felipe Rivero – 1 IP, 0 ER, and his 10th save, ERA at 1.25. Good to see him get right back on the horse, which is almost what one says to a previously impotent man at a brothel.
Michael Conforto – 1-for-2, 2 runs and his 23rd homer, hitting .293, OBP .397. Here’s my concern, he’s Nomar Mazara. A much better real life player than fantasy. With so little speed, Conforto has to hit .280+ with 25+ homers. I don’t think my concern is completely valid, so I’m not 100% worried, but it’s there.
Travis d’Arnaud – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer, hitting .242. Travis d’Arnaud should anagram to ‘Damn, the torpedo to my career.’
Yoenis Cespedes – 1-for-4 and his 12th homer, hitting .274. You know the year hasn’t been kind when you’ve had more Razzball health updates than home run updates. Speaking of which, you know Scott Boras puts in free agents’ dossiers how many positive Razzball mentions the player got the previous year. “Tommy Pham had 23 Razzball mentions. Arbitration can eat my D, we want a contract!”
Robinson Chirinos – 2-for-3, and his 13th homer, hitting .217. Uh oh Chirinos!
Joey Gallo – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 31st homer, and 20th homer in five games, or something close to that. For the uninitiated, a Three True Outcome (TTO) player is one that walks, Ks or homers. That’s it. A famous example of this is Adam Dunn aka The Big Donkey. Joey Gallo is Donkey Dong Jr.
Adrian Beltre – 1-for-3 and his 11th homer, and his 2nd in as many games, hitting .292. From his home, reclining on his barcalounger, umpire Joe West overruled the home run call.
Andrew Cashner – Scratched from his start due to a stiff neck. That’s what happens when you get a Viagra stuck in your throat.
Dustin Pedroia – 0-for-4, 2 run as he was activated from the DL. He DH’d, Eduardo Nunez (3-for-5) hit leadoff and played 2B, and Hanley said, “Do they have cushions for the bench? My Chiro says pine is bad for the lumbar. That’s short for chiropractor, by the way, not Ichiro.”
Austin Pruitt – 6 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 5.14. Solid game, but he should’ve never went for the Sale on matchups (8 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 13 Ks, ERA at 2.57).
Alex Cobb – Hit the DL with turf toe. He knew there was a problem when a group of eight-year-olds and their grandparents were lining to play mini putt-putt on his toe.