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Jordan Walker was optioned to the minors. What a joke of an organization. Their corresponding move was to give Taylor Motter a contract. I can’t even be mad. Who are we kidding, I am so mad! He was hitting .274 vs. righties and lefties! League average is .245! Only three teams collectively are hitting above .274. He tied the longest hit streak for someone under the age of 21 in 120 years! What is going on?! Is Oli Marmol dumb? I’m truly concerned he might lock himself in a closet and not be able to get out. Is someone keeping an eye on him? What if he forgets how to get out of his car? Does he have assistance? Can we make sure Oli Marmol remembers how to put on his pants?! Can we?! Can someone do that?! What is going on?! Seriously, I’ve seen some huge BS in my time, but this is up there with the top BS’ings in the history of BS. This takes the BS cake, then craps out more BS! What is happening?! He’s better than than at least half of the current Cards’ lineup!? I wanna hurt someone! *realizes I’m screaming this in a Dunkin’ and cops are looking at me* Um, but, ya know, I will simply drop Jordan Walker from my fantasy teams, instead. Honestly, I don’t feel better after this vent session. Oli Marmol fell asleep to Camp Granada the other night, got the “Hello Motter” part stuck in his head, and now we’re losing Jordan Walker because of an earworm! A freakin’ earworm! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Paul Goldschmidt – 4-for-5, and his 3rd and 4th homer. Au Shizz x 2! Guess Walker was blocking his ability to watch the pitchers between at-bats.

Wilmer Flores – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer, and 2nd homer in the last four games. For crying out loud, Flores is hot?

Graham Ashcraft – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 2.10. Because he was in the early game, it was the first time I really watched him for an extended period of time, and, oh boy, this guy’s gonna get murdered! Then they’re gonna do a multi-part doc like The Staircase about the murder, and he’s gonna be found guilty of having lousy peripherals. This guy’s got me super intrigued, but he’s a mess right now. That game line does him no justice, and he will be tried for his crimes of far exceeding expectations on ERA. I don’t think selling a guy like Ashcraft is realistic, but woof, man, woof.

Nick Senzel – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and a slam (1) and legs (2). Like I always say, “A real prospect doesn’t break out until he’s a post-post-post-post-post-post-post-post-post-post-post-post-post-post-hype sleeper.”

Jon Gray – 6 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 3.91. Gray didn’t look good (first time for a Gray!), and he still looked better than Ashcraft. Streamonator likes Gray’s next, and it seems fine.

Josh Jung – X-rays were negative after he left the game, taking a pitch off his hand, which was a common theme yesterday. See, Max Scherzer, the player’s union rep, was home, pulling strings, trying to show how slippery the ball is.

Kenta Maeda – 3 IP, 10 ER, ERA at 9.00. A 2-year-old could see that Kenta, “Maeda-poop.” After the game, Kenta Maeda explained, “I have Bailey Ober on a couple of fantasy teams.”

Joey Gallo -1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer. As he rounded third during his home run trot, Gallo exclaimed, “Shift this!”

Jose Miranda – 2-for-3, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 1st and 2nd homer. *tries to load Miranda into a meat grinder* “Holy crap! Call off the cookout! Miranda just moved!”

Domingo German – 6 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 5.54. Yanks jumped out to a huge early lead, and German put on his floaters, and cruised out to the Ivictory Coast for a free night at the W.

Gleyber Torres – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer. Hey, it’s the guy who hasn’t been good since the 4th game of the season. What’s up, guy who hasn’t been good since the 4th game of the season? Say hello to your mother for me!

Freddy Peralta – 6 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.14. I couldn’t get a sense whether or not FreddyKB was pitching well or lucky, so went to look at his page and. Dot dot dot. Damn, the suspense! I cannot take it! Tell me! Um, yeah, he’s pitching well.

Victor Caratini – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. Caratini is better than celery soda!

Joey Wiemer – 2-for-4 and his 2nd homer, hitting .227. His walks are solid, Ks are decent and he looks like he should be much better. Put “looks much better” in one hand, and nothing in the other hand, and you can carry in the groceries, because you have nothing in your hands.

Javier Baez – X-rays came back negative after Baez took a pitch off his hand. This is usually a positive, but now you have to leave Baez in your lineup.

Tanner Bibee – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners (zero walks), 8 Ks, as he was called up. Tanner Benjamin Netanyahu looked as good as the line. Sign me up in all my leagues, daddy loves some young starters! For more, I just gave you my Tanner Bibee fantasy.

Josh Naylor – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .197. Josh Nayl’d it.

Hunter Renfroe – 2-for-4, 3 runs and his 7th homer, hitting .280. He’s now going to hit five homers in six games, or this was his fifth homer in the last week and he’s done hitting them. I forget.

Shohei Ohtani – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 6th homer, hitting .261. Ah, no big deal, he gets to pitch this week at some point, so that’s good for my weekly Ohtani team, right?

Esteury Ruiz – 2-for-3, 1 run, 1 RBI and 4 steals (6, 7, 8, 9). There’s the guy who looks like a 70-steal threat!

Masataka Yoshida – 1-for-4 and his 4th homer. Like other guys before him, he feels like he could hit homers if he wants, but doesn’t always try to hit them. This week he must’ve been watching SportsCenter and saw homers get all the publicity. Or he was reading a Razzball roundup.

Tanner Houck – 5 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 4.50. I’d like to ask him three questions: A) You wanna be a starter, right? B) Then why aren’t you better as a starter? C) There’s no C.

Tyler Wells – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.79. You can use the Streamonator for him in shallower leagues, but his numbers are excellent. 23/3 K/BB in 29 IP? Sign me up!

Corbin Carroll – 1-for-1, hitting .311. Hits well in the three hole for about a week, then is placed in the 6th spot to make room for Emmanuel Rivera, Gurriel and Zombie Longoria. You can’t outrun the stupid that pours from all MLB managers.

Zac Gallen – 6 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 12 Ks, ERA at 2.15. The other day I listed the top pitchers with Spencer Strider, Ohtani, etc. yadda, raspberries lips. I was remiss not mentioning Zac Gallen. By the by, if like me you’re still thinking about the Jordan Walker move, the Cards know what they’re doing. It’s why they traded Zac Gallen and Sandy Alcantara for Ozuna.

Michael Kopech – 5 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 7.01. Kopech is the pitching version of Cole Tucker.

Yusei Kikuchi – 5 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.00. His homers allowed problem is still goofy bad. His command is much better, though, so fewer guys on, fewer chances for big mistakes. If he keeps his command around that of his HR/9 (2-ish), he has a real chance for the breakout he’s hinted at for years. Could be a sneaky guy to buy, if someone thinks he won’t stay this good.

Bo Bichette – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 5th homer, hitting .340. Drinking boba right now as I write this about Boba Chette and I’m grinning ear-to-ear, trying to forget that video I watched about the Southeastern Asian woman who had 50-feet of intestine-filled with boba.

George Springer – Day-to-day after taking a pitch off his hand. X-rays were half-empty, which is negatively positive, he said like a riddle.

Trey Mancini – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer. He gets all the attaboys in the world, and one “outta the way, boy” for Mervis.

Ronald Acuña Jr. – 1-for-3 and his 4th homer. When do you fade Tildaddy? Not Tildaddy tells you to fade him!

Matt Olson – 1-for-5 and his 7th homer, hitting .258. All praise Allahson!

Bryce Elder – 5 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 2.17. Elder, get out of the water, the Regression Fairies are nibbling!

Sandy Alcantara – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 5.04. He was such a chalk fade this year that it’s hard to take credit for seeing it coming, but I will try!

Jazz Chisholm Jr. – 1-for-4 and his 5th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. Watching Jazz hit is like music to my eyes.

Avisail Garcia – 1-for-3 and his 3rd homer, 2nd homer in the last four games if you’re thinking hot schmotato, I’m thinking kinda yawntato.

Jesus Sanchez – 1-for-4 and his 1st homer, hitting .182. It’s cool he didn’t retire from baseball as I thought.

Kodai Senga – 5 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners (4 BBs), 7 Ks, ERA at 4.15. Watched just about every inning of every game Kodai has thrown, and it’s not progressed any with his command. He was extremely fortunate to be facing a very terrible team yesterday. He can strikeout anyone at any time, but he has no idea where the ball is going ever.

MacKenzie Gore – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 3.00, as he tied his career-high in strikeouts. Damn right, raise that K in the middle of your name! His command is a bit of a mess. Okay, it’s very messy (5.3 B/9), but his 11.7 K/9 makes up for a lot of that. People out trying to rope in an ace with Mason Miller and MacKenzie Gore is already the best version of 2023 Mason Miller you’re gonna get.

Jeimer Candelario – 1-for-5 and his 4th homer. So yawnstipating. Then again, at least he’s playing. I’m farting in Brett Baty’s direction.

Bryan Reynolds – 1-for-4, 1 RBI as he activated from the bereavement list. After signing that long-term deal he was mourning his chances to ever win a World Series.

Ji-Hwan Bae – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 1 RBI and his 8th, 9th, and 10th steal. Bae’s about to steal 50 bags and you’re just watching him on waivers like he’s a girl at a bar and you’re afraid to talk to him. Make him your Bae, boo!

Roansy Contreras – 6 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.58. …and his stats look just okay! Not bad: 7.8 K/9, 3.9 BB/9, 4.83 xFIP. Assuming he gives up at least one home run since his ground ball rate isn’t elite, he’s going to be prone to regression at some point.

Tony Gonsolin – 3 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners (3 BBs), 1 K as he was activated. Ha, it looks like what I’d expect from him for every start just in a bigger way. More like 7 IP, few runs, 10 baserunners and 2 Ks–Okay, maybe 5-6 Ks, but that is what Gonsolin is. Appizzarently, he’s still got the Dodgers’ ratios pixies working for him too.

Hunter Brown – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.37. Our writer Ryan Kirksey gave you a Hunter Brown fantasy in the preseason where he said he would be this year’s Cristian Javier, and now he goes by Cable Box Score. Ryan, not Hunter or Cristian. So, for the first time ever, I agree with CBS.

Nick Castellanos – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer, and three homers in four games. The Greek God of Hard Contact sliding into his mother’s favorite diner booth, ordering disco fries and screaming, “Extra gravy for your big boy!”

Taijuan Walker – 4 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.97, as he left the start early with forearm tightness. Phils are unconcerned though. One could say, blissfully ignorant.

J.P. Crawford – 3-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 1st homer, hitting .271. Justin Park Crawford was not.

Julio Rodriguez – 1-for-5 and his 5th homer, to go with 4 Ks, hitting .233. “Man, this guy is overrated!” He says in a group chat with his leaguemates as he tries to Buy Jul-Rod low.

Robbie Ray – Out for the year with flexor tendon surgery. Turned out those tight pants were code for what a bummer. See, guys and five lady readers, tight pants can help with a lot of things — suppression of breathing, spotting moles through said pants, locating areas to goose — but sadly they can’t stop forearm issues. Yet.