Reading from the Book of Revelations in the 2021 Razzball Draft Guide, “When the ocean’s water rises–”
Job, “Why ocean’s water? Isn’t just ‘water rises’ enough?”
“I’m reading, not writing, and, when I’m done, I will smite you so hard you’ll wish you never corrected God about His word.”
Job stops chewing gum for a moment to say, “Heard.”
Continuing, “…When the ocean’s water rises in Miami, there will be two guys able to walk to work, Jesus Aguilar and Jesus Sanchez.”
There’s been a few hitters flat-out raking in the minors, and Jesus Sanchez is one of the top ones. In 33 games in Triple-A, he hit nine homers and .349. He’s not just a power hitter, though he is that with 70-grade power, he’s begun to hit for contact this year. Going into this year, as Prospect Itch said, “Sanchez swings at everything and always has. A corner outfielder with ideal size and crazy bat speed from the left side, he’ll get a lot of chances and have a long time to figure out pitch selection. More chances than Grey if I ever bumped into him.” What the heck, man? Pitch selection can come at any time, and Sanchez only just turned 23. He might’ve found his swing, and when to, uh, swing. Grab him in all leagues. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Paul Goldschmidt – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and a slam (9) and legs (5), hitting .252. Au shizz!
Tyler Glasnow – Diagnosed with a partial tear of his UCL. Now he’ll have to decide if he wants to have Tommy John surgery this week or in six months after trying to not have the surgery for six months and being told by everyone, “Have the surgery.” Injury victory laps are the worst, so I won’t mention how I told you a month ago to sell him because he never stays healthy. Yesterday, Glasnow was blaming MLB for the crackdown on sticky substances, because he couldn’t grip the ball and it made him stress his UCL. It is a bit like MLB said you could use your book for an exam, then decided you couldn’t halfway through the test. On the other hand that is dripping with wacky tacky, he’s never stayed healthy before. Sticky or no sticky. More on this later in the roundup.
Shane McClanahan – 5 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.42. If you started him, you have larger pants grapes than I, but I do still have McClanahanhanhanhanhan on a team or two, and am encouraged.
Nick Madrigal – Had season-ending surgery on his hamstring. The violinists play a thousand tiny hamstrings for your loss, Madrigal.
Max Scherzer – Hit the IL with groin inflammation. He inflammed his groin when he was watching a movie late at night, and still had some remnants of Spider Tack on his hand.
Stephen Strasburg – Saw a specialist for nerve irritation. The specialist was bald, and had two assistants, one with a bowl haircut and one with curly hair, and the specialist kept saying, “The noive!”
Patrick Corbin – 8 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 5.60. The only thing sticky with Corbin is his underwear from pitching well! I mean, from the humidity. What are you people thinking? Gross! Streamonator loved this start, and his next, and I’d start him.
Yan Gomes – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 6th homer, a grand slam. Gomes is as easy as remembering Guron, Ontario, Michigan, Erie and Superior.
Tucker Davidson – 2 1/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.60, and left with forearm tightness. Glad he was able to ruin all my fantasy teams prior to leaving for 12-14 months. Now I have jaw tightness from grinding my gnashers.
Hunter Renfroe – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer, hitting .258. Not exactly a fantasy #1 outfielder, but hasn’t been much worse than a number three outfielder, and roughly around 175th overall on the Player Rater.
Rafael Devers – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 16th homer, hitting .283. I have Devers on a few teams and here’s how it feels: Devers is out, day-to-day with a leg injury, misses a game or two, then he comes back and picks up right where he left off.
Xander Bogaerts – 1-for-4 and his 13th homer, hitting .319. Another season, and XBogs is putting up video game numbers once again.
Alex Verdugo – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 9th homer, hitting .291. Still annoyed I wasn’t fast enough to draft Verdugo in every league. Don’t worry, I just did two lines of coke to avoid that ever happening again.
Luis Severino – Suffered a Grade 2 groin strain, as he was working his way back from reconstructive elbow surgery. Doctors will now put his other elbow tendon in his groin so he can point at people in the bathroom. My guess is this delays him about four to six weeks.
Chris Gittens – 1-for-4 and his 1st homer. The one poor sap whose fantasy team is named “Smitten Gittens” did a small Tiger Woods fist pump.
Gary Sanchez – 2-for-5 and his 9th homer, hitting .225. Not to imitate a Yankees fan too much by never being happy with Gary, but it would be nicer if he hit twenty points lower with seven more homers.
Bo Bichette – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 14th homer, hitting .284. Whoa, Bo, bro.
Hyun-Jin Ryu – 6 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners (4 BBs), 3 Ks, ERA at 3.43. Any time a pitcher throws a walk, here’s me: Pulls out magnifying glass, runs it along spin rates, unknowingly picks up sun with magnifier and burns hole in computer screen.
Lance McCullers – 4 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 2.89, as he was activated from the IL, as Jake Odorizzi piggy-backed him (4 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 5.68). Dusty Baker says he has given some consideration to a six-man rotation now. Dusty also is considering mint-flavored toothpicks, so bated breath for both announcements.
Carlos Correa – 2-for-3 and his 12th homer. Guess when he hit it? Yup, the 9th inning. It’s uncanny.
Kyle Gibson – 6 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 2.09. You can hear Podcaster Geoff and I discuss Gibson on this week’s podcast, as we talk about his invariable trade deadline move, and 5+ ERA on his team, when he Suppans them, and famous Suppans in history, including Andrew Cashner.
Bobby Bradley – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer in like five games. Hot schmotato alert!
Steven Duggar – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer. Duggar hit that one for his 20 kids.
Mike Yastrzemski – 2-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 7th homer, as the Giants made a huge comeback, because they never lose and the Diamondbacks never win, though if you look at both teams, you’re like, “Meh, they look equally good/bad.”
Frankie Montas – 7 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 4.21. Was about to say I wouldn’t start a lot of the A’s pitchers in away games, but would start them all at home, and I just looked at their splits, and they’re much better in road games. Meh, doesn’t change my mind, but is “not haha” funny.
Sean Murphy – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 8th homer, and 2nd homer in two games, and 2nd time I’m telling you Murphy’s been hitting the ball hard for a few games.
Jared Walsh – 1-for-4 and his 15th homer, hitting .291. And each of my fantasy teams is like a milk carton with this Walsh kid missing.
J.P. Crawford – 3-for-5, 2 runs and his 4th homer, as he hits leadoff. Jake Fraley (1-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI) hitting 2nd; Ty France (3-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer) hitting third, and suddenly the M’s lineup doesn’t look that bad.
Yu Darvish – 5 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 2.57. Is there anything more brutal than a guy giving up the tying or lead-losing run on his final pitch of the game? We should have a glossary term for that. Please suggest in the comments.
Luis Castillo – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 5.83. Every pitcher is breaking bad, and Castillo’s like it’s all good, man. All right, I’m tentatively taking the child-proof seal off Castillo and will be starting him again.
Mookie Betts – 3-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer. Not bad for a world-class bowler.
Didi Gregorius – Diagnosed with pseudogout. Such an underrated song from the great Phil Collins, “Pseu, pseu, pseudogout.” No idea if this is serious or psuedoserious.
Adalberto Mondesi – Activated from the IL. Ron Burgundy, “I don’t believe you.”
Matt Manning – Expected to make his MLB debut on Thursday. On the Prospectonator, Manning is ranked 499th for rookie pitchers, and that made me guffaw. Here’s what Prospect Itch said previously, “I’d put (Manning) above Mize if I knew he was beyond the forearm scare that ended his 2020 at the training site (Grey note: seems like he is). I’ve always had some trepidation about Manning because he steps toward third with his lead leg then has to kind of launch his body over his front side. A fantastic athlete whose father was a professional basketball player (Grey note: Was his father Dr. J?), Manning actually repeats this delivery quite well, which has made Detroit reluctant to change it in part because it creates incredible deception. At six foot six with a unique release point and excellent extension (Grey note: He’s the same height as me, when standing on a desk), he might be the most deceptive right handed SP in the majors if he sticks as a starter.” Didn’t even look for Manning in my shallow leagues. Grabbed him in one 15-team mixer, because I have a problem, and that problem is I need starters.
Jonathan Schoop – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer, and about the 20th time I’ve mentioned him in the last two weeks and still the 1st thing everyone asks about him, “Hey, Grey, beautiful face, should I drop Schoop?”
Casey Mize – 6 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.49. He’s the kinda sell that is impossible. No one is giving you anything for him, so just ride him out until he’s not good anymore, which could be by next week or September.
Taijuan Walker – 7 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 12 Ks, ERA at 2.12. Nice to get one last game in with the sticky stuff! Kidding. I think, I have no idea. Have you heard the latest from Rob Manfraud? Pitchers caught with any foreign substance on the ball, including sunscreen, will be suspended for 10 days. With the umps patting down pitchers every half inning, it turns out The Naked Gun was a documentary. To combat any potential rule-breakers, MLB will be employing drug-sniffing dogs that have been trained to sniff out the coconut smell of sunscreen. From the the dog trainer’s website, “We put the cop in Coppertone.”
From a future game, “Hall of Fame manager Tony La Russa heading out to the mound to change the pitcher–What’s this, the umpire and Tony are having a talk…It appears it’s about sunscreen…Oh, Tony had a pina colada in his pocket. We’re all good. Back after this break.” Oh, and another point I’m sure no one thought of, what about the hand bath NL pitchers will have to do after taking swings as a batter, where they have to use pine tar, then going back to the mound?
The coup de grace, as the hoity-toity say, if a foreign substance is found on the ball, the pitcher is held responsible, no matter who applied the substance. If you’re an opposing player facing deGrom, your one job is to sneak some suntan lotion on the ball so the umps think it’s him. Umps aren’t that dumb? HAHAHAHA, okay.
The Ump Show, starring Joe West! Watch as he checks pitchers’ tanlines for wet suntan lotion between innings and the cracks of dried skin. “…Welcome back to the game. During the break, Joe West has been checking Jake Arrieta’s elbow, and it looks like Arrieta is saying, ‘I have eczema.'”
Then, in the World Series, Joe Buck takes us through the action, “Home plate umpire Joe West is smelling Lance Lynn’s elbow for the coconut notes of suntan lotion.” Explaining further, Smoltz says, “You see a lot of umpires check the ph-balance to see if it registers as suntan lotion, but Joe West is one of the best, and sniffing it for coconut speeds the game up.”
After the crackdown on sunscreen, every pitcher: pic.twitter.com/QVtNGy1jo2
— Razzball (@Razzball) June 15, 2021