J.A. Happ might’ve realized he wasn’t staying with the Jays much longer when guys in the front office kept asking him if he liked the team’s new jersey and it was the same jersey he had been wearing but a small man with a goatee, who said he worked as Peter Dinklage’s stunt double for parts of season 2 and 3 of GOT, was standing with his hand over the ‘Ja’ of Jays. Happ tried to understand, “Do I like the Blue Ys?” The front office exec tried to lead him to the answer, “If there was no,” motioning to Dinklage’s stunt double’s hand covering the ‘Ja,’ “In the Jays, would that be okay with you?” Rather than the low-rent game of charades, they just traded him to the Yankees. Happ should be happy to be out of Canada, we have a burgeoning coal economy. No idea what Happ will do on the Yankees, but what he SHOULD (caps for emphasis, not due to a sticky keyboard) is be great. His 10.3 K/9, 2.8 BB/9 and 3.63 xFIP makes him easily the 2nd best pitcher on the Yankees and around that of a top 30 starter. Also, the AL East is like this: J.A. Happ mimes wiping dandruff off his shoulder. Nothing to it, kid! Of course, it’s been like this all year and he still has a 4.18 ERA, so ‘should’ and ‘would’ can have a baby and it will still be, ‘who knows?’ Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Aaron Judge – Left yesterday’s game after being hit on the wrist and went for an MRI. Doctor sees Judge, then a’la Jaws, “We’re gonna need a bigger MRI.” Turns out Judge has a chip fracture and will miss at least three weeks. Sounds like an optimistic prognosis, but have you seen the size of this guy? That’s a good thing, right? On the other side of the rather large coin, Justin Turner had a small non-displaced fracture on his wrist and we’re still waiting on him. Nothing to do except wait on Judge, but I could see this dragging into mid-September or back by the third week of August.
Brandon Drury – Went the other way in the Happ trade. That’s assuming he can pass the physical. “State your name.” “Drury.” “Are you drunk, son?” “No, my name’s Drury.” “You can’t even say your name without slurring!” Not sure where Drury can play on the Jays. He’s a 2nd and 3rd baseman, and the Jays have Donaldson and Devon Travis. *bursts out laughing* I’m sorry! I tried to keep a straight face while saying it. Drury’s okay for AL-Only leagues if he gets enough looks, which I’m not sure he will; this year, at least. Next year, he’s gonna see Vlad Jr., and nighty-night, Drury.
Noah Syndergaard – Expected back next week from hand, foot, mouth disease. Syndergaard said, “I’ve learned my lesson and will never again waft my own farts into my face again. No matter what I’ve eaten and how tempting it might be.”
Wilmer Flores – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 9th homer. Wilmer has been a real bright spot for the Mets. Not because he’s hitting all that great, but light is magnified by water, so the tears on his cheek make for a bright spot.
Nick Kingham – 3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 4.80. I’ve felt so welcomed in this underground, cave bar with my host, Jihadi Jim, but I need to go to the bathroom. Will someone watch my iced tea? *five hours later* Hey, that mirror is moving with my reflection. Wait, is that a person wearing my face? NOOOOOO!!!! Roofie!!!
Josh Harrison – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer, and 2nd homer in the last three games. I cannot build enthusiasm for Harrison no matter how hard I try, and I’m on three Red Bulls and a Viagra, so I’m trying.
Anthony Rendon – Out on paternity leave. If the baby comes out chewing a toothpick, somewhere Dusty Baker is going to be smiling wickedly.
Stephen Strasburg – Returned to the DL with a pinched nerve in his neck. Does the entire Nats team feel like it’s playing with no sense urgency? That really should not be a sub-.500 team. Cougs’ family is friends with the owner of the Nats, Ted Lerner, and I’ve been trying to get him on the podcast for a while. I think we need to have a heart to heart with Ted, the Nats owner not my dog. But I guess I can ask him if they’re related, and if Madonna ever wanted his sperm. Okay, maybe this is why Cougs’ family has never put me in touch with the Lerners.
Juan Soto – 2-for-3, 2 runs and his 12th homer, hitting .308. Sexy Dr. Pepper or Bryce Harper? Okay, Harper, but why did I even have to think for two seconds? You’re killing me, Bryce Harper! Mean’s while, Sexy Dr. Pepper is so refreshing.
Trea Turner – 3-for-6, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 13th homer. Ain’t trying to fight back beautiful, but how about some bunt singles and mucho SAGNOF for hombre El Gris?
Jonathan Schoop – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 15th homer, and his 5th homer in the last week since the break. “I wanna try to parachute without a parachute.” That’s an ex-Schoop owner who dropped him during the break.
Jesse Winker – Hit the DL. This makes Riggleman’s job so much easier. Now he no longer has to make arbitrary reasons for double-switching out Winker. “After six years in the majors, maybe then Winker will have earned the right to finish a game.” That’s Riggleman with his old school bullshizz.
Ranger Suarez – 5 IP, 4 ER as he was called up. Suarez had an under-7 K/9 in Triple-A with a 2.30 BB/9. That’s great. Dot dot dot. For a 42-year-old who is attempting a comeback and being played by Dennis Quaid in the movie of his life.
Carlos Santana – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 16th homer. Yesterday, I hinted that Santana is a 2nd half player. Now I’m screaming it. In lowercase letters. Don’t make me press the shift and letter keys together. I’m tired.
Rhys Hoskins – 3-for-5 and his 19th and 20th homer, and 76th homer since the break. I ate a cheesesteak yesterday, but, before consuming it, I bowed my head and mumbled to myself, “Body of Rhysus.” Mumbled, not due to a lack of enthusiasm, but because I’m half-Jewish and don’t really know the right thing to say.
Nick Williams – 4-for-5, and his 13th and 14th homer, and three homers this week since I dropped him. I have the magic touch. Come here, and I will abracadabra you into goodness. I am the David Blaine of reverse jinxes, snitches!
Maikel Franco – 2-for-5 and his 16th and 17th homer, and four homers in four games. Oh, you best believe he’s in this afternoon’s Buy column. Maikel is on fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiire. Seventeen eyes, dawg. One for each of his dreads. It’s Medusa Franco up in this piece!
Manny Machado – 1-for-4 and his 1st homer on the Dodgers, and his 25th homer. Time for my once a year rant. Why in the effin eff holes do stats not carry over in box scores? Teams no longer play only in one league! It’s dated nonsense from before interleague! You don’t subtract a player’s stats from against the opposite league on their statline, do you? Then why are stats in the box score incorrect for players switching leagues? It’s so stupid!
Rich Hill – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.82. The optimist sees seven great innings. The pessimist sees seven innings closer to the next blister.
Kyle Gibson – 8 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.42. This start was in Fenway, so if you started him, I have to hand it to you, your pants grapes are quite impressive.
Brad Boxberger – 1/3 IP, 3 ER and his 5th blown save, ERA at 3.58. I wonder if before or after the Diamondbacks fade behind the Rockies in the NL West and into third place, if they’ll make a change at closer. Not sure who they’d use tho–Oh, wait, they have two capable guys behind him, Hirano and Bradley. If Torey Lovullo is truly afraid of change, he can just call his new closer Bradley Boxberger, and make a tidy little portmanteau of the new committee.
Nick Ahmed – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 13th homer. Nice batty call by yours truly! Now, if I can do that for two months straight, I might be back in this RCL hunt!
Kris Bryant – Headed back to the DL. So, let’s say Bryant is available in the 4th round of drafts next year, are you drafting him?
Tyler Chatwood – 4 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 11 baserunners (6 BBs), 4 Ks, ERA at 4.98. Ready for a good laugh? He has a 7.85 K/9 and that’s lower than his walk rate of 8.14! That’s gotta be historic. He has 85 BBs and 82 Ks. This isn’t after a game or two. He’s thrown 94 IP! Can’t believe the Cubs haven’t made up an injury and just DL’d him. “Sorry to say Chatwood has pretendonitis on his right scapula.” Reporter raises hand, “You’re pointing to his left side.” “Well, he was in the mirror when we diagnosed him so shut the hell up!”
Cole Hamels – Traded to the Cubs. Recipe for a repeat championship: you make it to the mountaintop, win the World Series, then just try to hold the torso of the team together while adding faded vets, who haven’t been good in years. It’s like, “Hey, can you do that trick again where you won a World Series ten years ago?” “I can’t, son, but I can make your nose disappear.” “Worst trick ever!” Will Hamels be that much worse than Chatwood? Have you seen Chatwood’s numbers? He can’t be worse. He’ll be a passable number three to four for real baseball and a decent deeper league starter and a streamer in shallower leagues, as he’s been in Texas.
Anthony Rizzo – 3-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 13th homer. HR to the Rizzo!
Martin Maldonado – Traded to the Astros. Great, sneaky get by the Astros for real baseball. Maldonado’s arm is stronger than a t-shirt cannon fired by the Philly Phanatic. For fantasy, this means nothing.
Joakim Soria – Traded to the Brewers. Damn, the Brewers are pulling Pirates type moves, where you’re not sure if they’re trying to make themselves better or trying to make moves to appear like they’re trying to make themselves better. Delicate line to walk. Here’s a Brewers’ exec, “I’m not sure what trading for Joakim gets us. I mean, we have the best middle reliever, a solid closer, Jeffress has been ridunk, I guess I could see Soria blowing some games in the 6th inning. Do we need blown games in the 6th inning?” Another galaxy-brained exec, “But if we get Soria it will appear like we’re making moves and the fans will be happy with us.” High fives all around, one exec sips on his boba. And…scene! I’m going to go over Jace Fry in his blurb so people skimming aren’t like, “Grey, who’s going to take over for Soria in Chicago, I’m dur dur dur dur dur and can’t dur dur dur.”
Orlando Arcia – 0-for-5, as he was recalled after proving he can hit Triple-A pitching in Colorado Springs to the tune of .341. Now Arcia will prove he’s fixed and the everyday shortstop again, or he’s a Quad-A player and don’t be so fast to toss Saladino aside.
Evan Longoria – 2-for-4, 1 run as he was activated from the DL and Brandon Belt was placed on the DL. Belt and Longoria can’t play at the same time because the world can only handle so many 18-homer power corner men.
Dereck Rodriguez – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.75. You know how they say to recruit kids that come from ex-ballplayers? Without the pedigree, I’m not sure Rodriguez is in the major leagues. I think a 7 K/9 guy in High-A would’ve quit without knowing he could make it. Maybe not, just a thought. Right now, he is making a lot out of not a whole lot. He is still a work in progress, but, because of his dad, he thinks he can do it, so that could take him places. Put that shizz on a Hallmark card!
Francisco Arcia – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 1st homer. Could take over for Maldonado or platoon with Jose Briceno. Both could combine for five homers on the year, and that’s including the three they have between them already.
Kole Calhoun – 2-for-5, 2 runs and a slam (11) and legs (5), hitting near-.300 in last week with two homers. Guess whether or not he’s going to be in this afternoon’s Buy column. It rhymes with yes. Actually, it is yes.
Ian Kinsler – 3-for-4, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 13th homer. That’s his 2nd homer since the break. Kinsler is on a real low simmer, huh? Flip the switch or get off the People’s Republic of Razzball!
Blake Parker – 1 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 3.42 ERA. Literally all he does is give up runs in non-save situations. Don’t fact check me! I own him, it’s all he does. He has one save this month. What are we doing here, fellas and five ellas? This doode is a waste of time!
Nick Tropeano – 6 1/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.82. He allowed five homers yesterday which is some kind of record for amount of winners at the Trop in one day.
Jose Abreu – 2-for-4, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 15th and 16th homer, and three homers in the last four games, hitting .258. Hey, looky-loos look at this lollygagger doing less lolly’ing and/or gagging. About friggin’ time, you giant turdmaker!
Daniel Palka – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 13th and 14th homer, hitting .231. He was hitting .073 since the break with no homers, so this might be the start of something, but it ain’t the middle of shizz.
Avisail Garcia – 2-for-5 and his 11th homer, hitting .272. Avisail, buddy, you don’t have to try so hard, someone will still call you a sleeper next year. Don’t knock yourself out.
Jace Fry – Should be taking over for Soria as the White Sox closer, even though he pitched the 7th (!) yesterday. His stats look like he could immediately be better than Soria, i.e., no Joakim, give Fry a try. Now watch Charlie Manuel get hired to manage the Pale Sox and throw Jeanmar Gomez in the 9th. “I ain’t ever see a tractor pull event that I ain’t confuse for a mobile house scooting on its butt like it’s got dingles up its tailpipe than I see Jeanmar Gomez as the closer.” That’s Charlie Manuel managing again. I miss him.