Ivan HRHRHRa

I don’t drink. Not like I’m an alcoholic, I’m not in AA, making amends for the people who drafted Rougned Odor way too high in 2017. He was very good in 2016, I cannot help that his BABIP plummeted. I did nothing wrong. See? No amends! I mention I don’t drink in a longwinded way of setting up this tortured analogy. Someone says to me, “Here, try this fine wine.” I’m like, “Sure, I sip it, and it means nothing to me.” I do not appreciate it. That’s how I am with top catchers. I am fine with a shot of vodka in a glass of grape juice. It does the same for me. Just like Ivan Herrera does the same as William Contreras in my humblest. Yesterday, he did better! Ivan Herrera (3-for-4, 6 RBIs) hit his 1st, 2nd and 3rd homer, and I’d roster him in the shallowest of leagues, even though most aren’t, i.e., he’ll appear in this week’s Buy column, which is already available on Patreon. Side note, sorry for the site issues. I cannot program the clock on my microwave, so I’m at the mercy of developers trying to fix things. It’s as frustrating for you as it is for me. Makes me want to start drinking! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Sonny Gray – 6 IP, 5 ER, 6 hits, 9 Ks, ERA at 5.73. Not only did he give up a stupid grand slam to Logan O’Hoppe, but I just dropped O’Hoppe for Goodman. What does that have to do with Gray? Everything! Me Grey, not him Gray. Sonny Gray did look solid; his velocity was back, so you might be able to buy low. Also, this is why I really would love for everyone to not panic early on. (Can Bobby Witt Jr. do something?! I’m not panicking or anything, just asking with three exclamation marks!!!)

Yusei Kikuchi – 6 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners (5 BBs), 6 Ks, ERA at 4.50. “Yusei, stay…near the zone.” That’s Lisa Loeb regarding Yusei’s terrible command yesterday. A little harsh, but she’s sexy, so we will let it fly.

Mike Trout – 1-for-4 and his 1st homer. Oh, wow, he’s not terrible now because he had five bad games to start the year. That’s weird. Hunh.

Logan O’Hoppe – 1-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 2nd homer, a grand slam. Nothing good ever came from picking a catcher scab.

Esteury Ruiz – Acquired by the Dodgers from the A’s. This feels like one of those situations where you know someone is better at poker than you, and you’re bluffing and they call your bluff and you’re like, “Crap, I don’t know how I’m getting hosed, but call me Mr. Fireman, because I’m getting hosed.”

Jackson Chourio – 3-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. He has that effortless power that you see from some guys who are special. When I say it barely looked like he was swinging and the ball went bye-bye in a huge way, you gotta take my word for it.

Freddy Peralta – 8 IP, 1 ER, 2 hits, zero walks, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.08. Look at FreddyKBB with the alligator blood! Feed that directly into my loins! Is that a saying? It is now.

Isaac Collins – 1-for-3 and his 1st steal, as he hit third, because he was DH’ing and filling in for Yelich. The ol’ Jim Leyland School of Lineup Management, where they teach managers to just put the player in the lineup exactly in the same spot as the player they’re replacing. To me, this should get a manager automatically fired, but I am a poor boy nobody loves me. [backup singers] He’s just a poor boy, nobody loves him.

Cole Ragans – 5 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 3.60. Actually benched him in one 12-team league because I had so many two-start starters in that league. I might’ve overdid it when I benched Ragans for Will Warren. That might be my brain going galaxy.

Jack Leiter – 5 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, zero walks, 6 Ks, ERA at 0.90, and out at 70 pitches with a blister. Dan Pants gave you his Jack Leiter fantasy the other day. Leiter looks like he’s fixed all the issues he was dealing with prior with command. If he continues to deal like he was yesterday, he got there fast. “There” being an ace. “Fast” being 99 MPH on the paint.

Luke Jackson – 1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 8.10 and his 3rd save. Find a woman as committed to you as Bochy is to Luke Jackson as closer. That’s love, daddy.

Elly De La Cruz – 1-for-4 and his 2nd steal. This means so little in the grand scheme of things, but he stole third with two outs and, if I could only draft players who steal third with two outs, I would. My God, he’s beautiful.

Hunter Greene – 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.25. Not to be outdone, he looked as good as Leiter, but you already knew he would. I was out on Greene this year, but that was more because of injury concerns. Not stuff concerns. That’s “out on Greene” not “out of Greene,” which I also am, but that’s a wallet thing.

Ryan Pepiot – 5 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 2.45. Big Stein Stadium’s got me shook like a sober Billy Martin talking to George Steinbrenner.

Oneil Cruz – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and a slam (2) and legs (6). Think the Cruz Missile heard everyone talking about torpedoes and got jealous. Players with at least two homers and six steals in their team’s first seven games: Rickey Henderson, Eric Davis, Joe Morgan and Oneil. I might’ve ranked him too high last year, but never wrong, just early.

Dennis Santana – 1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 2.70 and his 1st save. Only thing stopping him from running with the Pirates’ closer job is Derek Shelton thinking a closer is supposed to suck.

Paul Skenes – 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 hits, zero walks, 6 Ks. I’m gonna be a stupid little baby and wonder why his Ks are down through two starts. Prolly nothing, but I’m also wondering it.

Tarik Skubal – 5 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 5.91. Sorry to be the bad guy (not that sorry), but if Skubal has a 5+ ERA this year, it would make me happy. Skubalfreude.

Dylan Moore – 1-for-1, 2 runs and a slam (1) and legs (1). Studley Moore somewhere between the moon and your waiver wire.

Luis Castillo – 7 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.00. Castillo’s gonna have the worse peripherals with all signs pointing towards him falling off while remaining decent, isn’t he?

Jackson Merrill – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. Merrill celebrating his 10-year, $27-dollar contract with a blast. He should’ve never had Kristian Campbell negotiate his deal.

Luis Arraez – 2-for-4, 2 runs and a slam (1) and legs (1). Had a one-week slump to start the year, but he’ll now he’ll hit .450 until June.

Dylan Cease – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.38. Dealin’ Cease!

Harrison Bader – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer, and 2nd homer in two games. Hot schmotato alert!

Byron Buxton – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. You know things ain’t great when I’m like, “I can’t believe Buxton is hitting third,” and then I look at the Twins’ lineup and I’m not sure who I’d have hit third instead of him.

Pablo Lopez – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.25. I am the world’s biggest hater. Tis’ true, but this start was vs. the White Sux, so whatevs, Pab-Lo.

Trevor Story – 3-for-4 and his 1st homer. Extend him eight years for thirty-five bucks!

Garrett Crochet – 8 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 1.38. Wish I had drafted Crochet in one league. He’s yarnstipating (in a good way).

Zach Eflin – 6 IP, 3 ER, 8 hits, zero walks, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.75. Ain’t Eflin around with no Eflin bad command! See what I did there? Kinda hard to miss it, tee bee aitch.

Lourdes Gurriel Jr. – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer. Lou-Gu-Ju is the kind of player you don’t want to draft because “boring,” then want almost immediately after the season starts.

Zac Gallen – 6 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 3 hits, zero walks, 13 Ks, ERA at 3.38. When you’re going into combat vs. a torpedo, you better bring the heavy artillery and never a submariner.

A.J. Puk – 1 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 6.00, and his 2nd save. He entered to face Jazz, did just enough, stayed to face Volpe and got bombed out, torpedo-style. Still think it’s a timeshare with Ju-Ma.

Anthony Volpe – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 4th homer. Anthony Volpe only with four hits this season and all of them homers because [2 weeks ago, Joey Gallo crosses himself, lowers his head and prays, “Lord, I will become a pitcher but, being Italian, my mama says I get one wish from you per week, and that’s for another nice Italian boy to become a lil’ Joey Gallo. Amen.” Joey blessed it, so it became.

Hunter Goodman – 2-for-3 and his 2nd homer. Okay, we back in business, baby! Goodbye [fill-in catcher’s name who I drafted]! Hello, Goodman!

Kyle Freeland – 6 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 9 hits, zero walks, 3 Ks, ERA at 2.13. Even if Streamonator liked Freeland, I wouldn’t start him. And it won’t.

Michael Toglia – 0-for-4, 4 Ks, hitting .053. Hate to get out on a Rockies player before he even has a homestand, but Toglia’s King himself back to the minors.

Zack Wheeler – 7 IP, 1 ER, 3 hits, zero walks, 10 Ks, ERA at 1.38. You can call literally one pitcher in the majors a workhorse. This guy.

Jose Alvarado – 1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 0/00. Take this with as big or as small a grain of salt you want, but Romano was going to come in when it was a save situation, then they opted for Alvarado when the Phils moved to a four-run lead in the 8th.

Blake Snell – 4 IP, 0 ER, 5 unearned runs, ERA at 2.00. That line is what they call in the biz, a Snell.

Tommy Edman – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer. Should’ve went Edman over Bobby Witt Jr.

Shohei Ohtani – 3-for-5 an d his 3rd homer. He’s ridiculous. The way he goes oppo with such ease. Nuts.

Raisel Iglesias – 1 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 4.50. Braves have to win eventually. Don’t they?

Clay Holmes – 4 2/3 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 2.89. 2nd straight start of four and two-thirds innings. We call that a Snell.

Pete Alonso – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 2nd homer. Albombso!

Connor Gillispie – 5 IP, 1 ER, 4 hits, zero walks, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.60. Connor Gillispie plays the sax, me, myself, I love to max, Redbone booties I’m out of wax…

Calvin Faucher – 1 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 9.00 as he entered the 8th. He might’ve been as a closer, because the heart of the order was up in the 8th, but he didn’t look good either way, so [shrugs]. I don’t know, I guess Anthony Bender might see some saves. Maybe this is the dreaded timeshare.

Seiya Suzuki – 3-for-5, 5 RBIs and his 3rd and 4th homer. Hopefully the inevitable injury doesn’t derail his whole season. This is not me being glass is half empty; this is me being realistic. The glass is made of glass and water is made of water.

Jeffrey Springs – 3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 4.00. Don’t start any pitchers in Bing Bong Stadium in SacTown until we know what’s going on there.

Brent Rooker – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. Hitters in Bing Bong are good. Desirable, even.

Framber Valdez – 5 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.75. Astros look awful on both sides of the ball. Can’t run, can’t throw, can’t play Cam Smith. I’m getting scared.

Wilmer Flores – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer, just as everyone expected. I strongly considered drafting Wilmer in leagues and didn’t because it’s so dumb to draft an awful player. That’ll teach me!

Camilo Doval – 1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 0.00 and his 2nd save. Doval’s a better closer when he’s not the closer than when he is. What a Cuddle Boy. (Walker’s still the closer, he was used the previous day.)

Landen Roupp – 4 IP, 3 ER. So, maybe Streamonator for now, but he did look better than the line. At least the line I’ve shown until. Dot dot dot. Now! He also had 8 Ks.

MacKenzie Gore – 5 IP, 3 ER, 11 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.45. I like steps forward, especially two steps forward. Not a huge fan of steps back. Even one step back.

CJ Abrams – 1-for-4 and his 2nd homer. Curtis Jackson Abrams going Fiddy/Fiddy.

Easton Lucas – 5 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, two BBs, 3 Ks, and I believe he’s a spot starter. Or Easton is literally another type of bat. I can’t take it! Go back to Wuhan with your bat stories!

George Springer – 1-for-3 and his 1st homer. Mean’s while, Bo Bichette went 0-for-5. You know John Schneider is itching to move Springer back to leadoff too. Weird, because you’d think John Schneider would have a soft spot for Bo.