Cody Asche was sent down to learn left field (or get lost trying), and the Phils’ GM, Ruin Tomorrow Jr., said they’re calling up Maikel Franco this weekend. Let’s see what October Grey had to say about Franco, “Well, Asche’s opportunity to sneak in and have a surprisingly solid season in 2014 before Franco emerged went swimmingly. If we’re judging swimmingly on a scale established by Natalie Wood getting swimming lessons from Robert Wagner. Too harsh? How about as swimmingly as Whitney Houston in a bathtub? That’s just terrible, why would you force me to give you a second one? Upon his arrival in Philly at the end of last year, Franco’s lack of assault on major league pitching made it seem like he needed more seasoning, i.e., the Franco-American Outside-Of-King-Of-Prussia War on pitching didn’t exactly leave us with shock and awe (.179 in the majors with zero homers in 56 ABs). Shouldn’t have been a surprise, he didn’t exactly look like a breakout waiting to happen last year in Triple-A, where he had 16 homers in 521 ABs, hitting .257. With rookies like that, maybe the Phils are right to invest in more megaphones for the clubhouse, so their veterans can communicate. Franco could be the type that just needs to get comfortable at a new level, which bears itself out when you look at his month-to-month OPS last year in Triple-A (.967, .636 in last two months and .879 this year in Triple-A).” And that’s me quoting me! He’s worth a flyer if you need corner infidel help. I stashed him in one deeper league (15 team) and ignored him in a 12-teamer. He might only have 14-homer power, so, basically, he’s Ryan Zimmerman. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Odubel Herrera – 1-for-4 and his 1st homer. He took Mark Melancon (1 IP, 1 ER, got the save) deep, because that’s what you do when you’re a major league hitter, and Odubel was proving all those naysayers wrong. Little did he know the naysayers were a nearby herd of horses.
Chris Taylor – Mariners said his right hand will be fine after taking a hard slide. The problem is Chris Taylor’s left hand was given to Ben Stiller, and he hasn’t had a hit in forever. Speaking of celebs, I must say Adam Lambert looks stunning at the Met Gala.
Rougned Odor – Sent to the minors because Odor stinks. No kidding! It’s not like he’s Rougned Roses. The Rangers will try to move past Odor, by lighting a match with Adam Rosales and Tommy Field (1-for-3, 2 runs and a slam (1) and legs (1)) at 2nd. They’re only good by comparison, and that comparison is to a guy that was hitting .144.
Colby Lewis – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.40 vs. the Royals. I took some guff — because y’all a bunch of guffers! — when I said NFBC, and deep leagues, in general, required a lot more luck. Example 1A: Did I really intend for Colby Lewis to be the anchor of my 15-team league and not Samardzija? No, of course not. In a shallow daily league, the options end up being a hindrance, where in my 15-team league, I have no options.
Adrian Beltre – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer, and 2nd in as many games, hitting .244. I should’ve been more aggressive about telling you to buy Beltre low. I blame you. Don’t look behind you, you you!
Prince Fielder – 2-for-5 and his 3rd homer, hitting .336. Also, in this game, Tommy Field homered. Elias Sports Bureau said this is the first time a player with noun last name and a suffix -er on that same noun have homered in the same game since 1959 when Bill White went deep and someone who was whiter.
Carlos Correa – Sung a’la Blondie, “The time is right and Correa’s moving up, he’s gonna be a number one. Number one…” So, Correa was promoted to Triple-A, and unless the Astros have him stop off to see Brett Wallace in Quad-A or in the WWE to see Triple H, the next stop is the majors. Correa was batting in Double-A: .385 with 7 homers and 15 steals in 29 games. 29 games! Trout called and he wants his video game numbers back. Correa could be extra special and you need to stash him now. Plus, who doesn’t love a good ‘stache.
Gregory Polanco – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 10th steal. Don’t look now, but Polanco is on pace for 50 steals. Don’t worry, Simon didn’t say not to look. You’re good.
Gerrit Cole – 7 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks ERA at 2.32. I love, love, lurve Cole, so don’t take this the wrong way, but doesn’t it feel like the Pirates still haven’t taken off the training wheels? So far this year, he’s gone over 100 pitches once, and has never thrown more than 112 pitches once in his career. The Pirates are like my uncle that has a Lamborghini and has driven it three miles in the last year, and, family lore says, that was just to commit adultery.
Starling Marte – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 8th homer, hitting .277. Funny (not funny), the Pirates are giving a lot of different fantasy assets, but McClutchin-His-Knee looks like Nadir Bupkis.
Devon Travis – 0-for-4. Come back, April Devon, I miss you!
Chris Davis – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer, and his 2nd homer in the last three games and third homer in the last week. And that’s me keeping you abreast on Chris! Hehe, I said abreast.
Manny Machado – 1-for-4 and his 6th homer and Adam Jones went 1-for-4 with his 6th homer. If Steve Pearce (1-for-4) also homered I would’ve filed this under conspiracy and blamed Ancient Aliens.
Jimmy Paredes – 2-for-4, hitting .363. Still hot schmotatoing like no one else is hot schmotatoing in the game. A hot schmotato to end all schmotatoes.
Ubaldo Jimenez – 7 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 2.41. This game was vs. the Blue Jays, and you have bigger Ubaldos than me if you started him here.
Devin Mesoraco – Didn’t start yesterday due to the same hip problem that has sidelined him since April 11th. This feels like when you’re on a first date and she returns from the bathroom with toilet paper stuck to her shoe. You don’t want to embarrass her on the first date, so you secretly tell the waitress to tell your date about the TP while you’re in the bathroom. So, who wants to go tell Bryan Price’s waitress that the DL exists?
Jason Grilli – Was available to pitch last night. So, I dropped trou, I mean my Johnson. And, of course, Jim Johnson got the save yesterday. Lowercase yay! Now I have to fight waivers to re-pick him up. I have no idea why Grilli didn’t pitch if he was ‘available,’ but I would continue to own Johnson.
Shelby Miller – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 1.60 vs. Mike Leake 6 IP, 1 ER, 10 baserunners, 1 K, ERA at 2.36. This matchup was billed as “The Only Two Good Pitchers Left In The Majors.”
Andrelton Simmons – 2-for-5 and his 3rd homer, hitting .282. Well, I thought he was cooling off, but it looks like he’s got some life left in him. Extraterrestrial life, but life nevertheless.
Archie Bradley – Cleared to rejoin the rotation this Saturday after passing concussion tests. One of the questions on that test was, “Which is the worst cover for ‘I just like their chicken wings:’ The Tilted Kilt or Hooters?”
Josh Collmenter – 1 1/3 IP, 9 ER. The Regression Fairies are sad, petty, well-dressed SOBs.
Ryan Zimmerman – 1-for-2, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 4th homer. He left the game early because whenever he does something positive he pulls his hamstring, so he was trying to avoid that.
Max Scherzer – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 1.99. A good pitcher doing what he’s supposed to be doing? C’mon! No way!
Denard Span – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer. He has more home runs than Jason Heyward. Cust kayin’.
Yunel Escobar – 5-for-5, 2 runs, 1 RBIs with five singles like the guy who suggests the strip club when it’s way too late and he’s way too drunk.
David Wright – Hasn’t been cleared to resume baseball activities. But he’s got saliva in his mouth and needs to spit!
Wilmer Flores – 1-for-3 and his 4th homer. I wish Flores would just play every day, because I think he could challenge 20 homers, but trying to inject common sense into the Mets’ modus operandi quickly becomes modus morons, as they say in Latin America.
Jacob deGrom – 5 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.46. DeGrom looks like a last year pitcher. Not him from last year, but every other pitcher from last year that had a decent ERA even when they got hit. Not a 6+ ERA like this year.
Lucas Duda – 2-for-4 and his 3rd homer, hitting .287. Hey, look at that, he remembered he’s not a high-average hitter, but a power one. Please hit another ten so I don’t regret not just waiting an extra 15 rounds for Te(i)x.
Jon Lester – 6 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners (4 BBs), 6 Ks, ERA at 4.10. His xFIP is 3.39, so he’s been better than his ERA, which is both comforting and frustrating like your twenty-year-old sleeping bag you can no longer fit in.
Kris Bryant – 2 Hits, 2 RBIs, 2 walks and his 2nd homer. Throwing up deuces like every picture on Facebook of someone you want to block.
Anthony Rizzo – 1-for-4 and his 7th homer. What? No steals? 20/20 ain’t going to write itself, as Hugh Downs used to say.
Shane Victorino – 0-for-4 as he was activated from the DL. Glad to see he was re-inserted right back in the lineup. No, not because I own him, but I want him to get hurt again ASAP.
Pablo Sandoval – 1-for-5 and his 4th homer, an extra-inning shot up in Oakland. Kung Fu Panda liked being back in the bay. That’s not a crack on how big his bathtub is.
Sean Doolittle – Will begin a rehab assignment this week. That will make his last name sarcastic.
Scott Kazmir – 6 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners (4 BBs), 3 Ks, ERA at 2.72. 12 more starts until it’s selling time!
Kenley Jansen – Will be activated from the DL on Saturday. With Chris Hatcher and Yimi Garcia no longer needing his attention as potential closers, Mattingly will have more time to think about reasons to bench Guerrero.
Zack Greinke – 7 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks. Remind me to pfft off Greinke red flags. But don’t say, “Hey, Grey pfft off!” or I might think you mean something else.
Scott Van Slyke – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs, hitting .340. It’s not Alex Guerrero at all, it’s whoever gets their chain yanked by Mattingly.
Tom Koehler – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, (4 BBs) 5 Ks in 108 pitches. There’s good one-earned run, six inning games and there’s this. Guess it makes sense that he labored last night since Koehler sounds like a hardware store.
Marcell Ozuna – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 3rd homer. OZUNA have crush on ball. OZUNA wish ball farewell. OZUNA hope to see ball over winter break.
Christian Yelich – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer as he hit fifth because, well, I can’t even imagine why a guy like Yelich would bat fifth, but yesterday he hit like a five-hole hitter. Maybe he has transitive properties. #nerdalert
Steve Cishek – 1/3 IP, 3 ER, blown save 4, ERA up to 10.32. Next time the Marlins want the city to give them money they should say, “Hey, look, you had Cishek stay as closer for six weeks past when you should’ve, you obviously don’t want to win, why should we care?” I would continue to own A.J. Ramos and Mike Dunn, in that order.
Aramis Ramirez – Expected to avoid the DL. JB rejoices, everyone else shrugs and cut. Okay, let’s do a reverse two-shot of JB and his Aramis bobblehead doll.
Wily Peralta – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.80 vs. Jeff Samardzija 6 IP, 5 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.80. This was a matchup of two of the hardest throwers in the game, which they’re both proving means absolutely nothing. It’s like MLB is trying to break the union of radar gun holders. There’s always a carnival, fellas! As for Samardzija, he looks like hot garbage in the trunk of a car that is parked on the sun, but he’s not quite as bad as he’s shown, which is obviously of no comfort. I’d continue to try to ride the abyss until the Starterpocalypse lets up. As for Wily, the Stream-o-Nator doesn’t love his next start, so burp.
Adam Eaton – 4-for-5, 1 run, 2 RBIs, hitting .225. Dah! I almost made him my batty call, but I ended going with Gerardo Parra (2-for-5, 2 runs, 1 RBI and his steal). Guess I can’t complain too much about that, even if I just did. Sue me! (You can have everything but my manscaping kit.)
Carlos Gomez – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer. Now, give me about 19 more and we’ll call it even. Yes, we’re calling 21 homers even. Stop with your semantics!
Elian Herrera – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer. Elian: The original Cuban raftee!
Khris Davis – 1-for-1 and his 3rd homer, as he pinch hit. Do the Brewers really need to platoon him? Rhetorical! Of course, they don’t. So annoying when they take a hot guy that I own out of their lineup. Yes, this is all about me.
Jake McGee – Expected back this weekend. Assuming Waze doesn’t have him try to beat traffic by making a left across a freeway in rush hour. How has no one sued Waze yet? Or at least have it say a disclaimer, “You may die by using this app.”
Alex Colome – 6 IP, 8 ER. The Regression Fairies hope that Dick Whitman doesn’t become a hobo, they paid for college using money earned as a hair stylist and they will laugh in the face of your pitching ratios.
Logan Forsythe – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .303 and in the cleanup spot. Hulk Logan running wild all over pitchers!
Alex Rodriguez – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 8th homer. You know how they have a counter for cancer deaths? They should have a counter of A-Rod’s clean homers. He just hit his 8th to tie Willy Taveras for 257,892th on the all-time list.
Chase Headley – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 4th homer, hitting .233. I wonder if he’s having a hard time adjusting to the Yankees’ culture, and watching only black and white TV in the clubhouse because it reminds the other guys of their youth.
Carlos Beltran – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 2nd homer, and 2nd in as many games. I know he’s as old as dirt in Egypt, but if someone dropped him in your league, I could see grabbing him.
Mark Teixeira – 4-for-5, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer, hitting .239. He came a triple short of the cycle, or as they called it in his youth, a horse and carriage.
Masahiro Tanaka – Will do mound work today. Hey, I know he was paid a lot of money, but isn’t it demeaning to have him rake the dirt?
