“Salvation is a last-minute business, boy.” — Hunter Renfroe (2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 10th and 11th homer) looking at my fantasy team that is hurting for offense.

“Women are such durn fools.” — Enrique Hernandez (2-for-3 and his 8th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games). Hot schmotato alert!

“You know, when you’re little, you have more endurance than God is ever to grant you again. Children are man at his strongest. They abide.” — Bobby Dalbec (2-for-4, 2 runs and his 10th homer). He’s the type to get hot in a snap of the fingers, so if you need power, I could see grabbing him immediately.

“A good tree cannot bring forth evil fruit. Neither can a corrupt tree bring forth good fruit.” — Alex Cora as he fits the Red Sox for buzzers. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Garrett Richards – 5 2/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.96. Since the umps are checking Richards’s hat and glove, he should put some Spider Tack on his foot and hacky-sacky the ball to the plate. Can’t be much worse.

Kelvin Gutierrez – Designated for assignment. That assignment is to come up with a quick email to send to 29 other teams on why they should be in the Kelvin Gutierrez business.

Emmanuel Rivera – 2-for-4 as he was called up, and started at third base. First, can we just be so thankful Emmanuel got out of that fire with the help of George Papadopolis –*intern whispers in ear*–I’m confusing 80s TV with real life? Hmm, okay. So Emmanuel is not a tiny person, get that out of your head right now. By the by, “Get that out of your head right now” has been in my head for ten years, and all I hear if Gordon Ramsay saying it. Rivera hit 14 HRs, .282 in 44 Triple-A games, but, prior to this year, people would’ve said he’s a contact guy first. I’m intrigued, y’all! But I’m only monocle’ing him, outside of AL-Only.

Michael A. Taylor – 1-for-4 and his 6th homer. For the last few short schedule days, I’ve been batty calling M.A.T., and after getting nothing from him, well, you know where this is going. I didn’t last night.

Carlos Santana – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 13th homer. After a solid April and May, Carlos Santana was oye como bleh in June, but maybe this is the start of something.

Whit Merrifield – 3-for-5, 2 runs and his 7th homer. Every player who wants to get traded in July, I picture in June like Santa’s Little Helper trying to get attention. Whit Merrifield just tiptoeing on his hind legs past the TV.

Danny Duffy – 3 1/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 2.44. For Duffy, the whole ‘pitching while not having a working arm’ is going about as swimmingly as Natalie Wood.

Josh Naylor – Ended up with a fracture and dislocation of the ankle. I’d put his timetable for return around November, so if the Indians get into a marathon game that goes about fifteen-hundred innings, and lasts two months, delaying the end of the season, he might return this year.

Franmil Reyes – Will play three more rehab games, and the Indians hope he’s back by Saturday. Um, I’m sorry, but what’s this, two weeks of rehab games? The $54 Vending Machine Steak needs two rehab at-bats and a pat on the fanny. Let’s go!

Jose Ramirez – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 5 RBIs and his 17th homer, hitting .264. I’m so so sorry I didn’t lower Jo-Ram’s ranking when Lindor was traded. Everyone told me to, and it’s incredible how badly Jo-Ram’s value plummeted and Lindor’s value skyrocketed.

Matt Manning – 3 2/3 IP, 9 ER, ERA at 8.16. Even if Bad Bad Brad Brach the baddest man in the whole damn league doesn’t get one save, I dropped Manning for him, so he’s saved my soul. Thank you, Bad Bad Brad Brach.

Miguel Cabrera – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 6th homer. Elias Sport Bureau said the Friends reunion was over quicker than Miggy’s home run trot.

Robbie Grossman – 1-for-4 and his 10th homer, hitting .226. Grossman is no longer the Tigers’ leadoff man. He’s now *trying to not laugh* their three-hole hitter.

Kyle Schwarber– 3-for-5, and his 23rd and 24th homer, and his 14th and 15th homer in the last 17 games. Remember when Sammy Sosa hit 20 homers in June of ’98? Yeah, well, let me introduce you to Slammin’ Kyle Schwarber!

Gerardo Parra – 2-for-3, 2 runs and his 1st homer. Parra is back on the Nats? Does he know Baby Shark has been deemed torture via the Geneva Conventions?

Trea Turner – 2-for-5 and his 13th homer. Juan Soto watched the Nats’ homers so we know he knows home runs exist. Just super happy Juan Soto’s taking launch angle lessons from Yandy Diaz.

Pete Alonso – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 12th homer. Albombso!

Paolo Espino – 5 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners (zero walks), 3 Ks, ERA at 2.02. From the worst character on the TV show, Lost, to a 34-year-old washout making good, say hello to Paolo, which sounds like a 1950s song about a pool boy who’s sleeping with the singer’s wife. Say hello to Paolo, when he’s a-comin’, I’m always a-leavin’, that’s so a-weird-o… As for Espino, there’s nothing here, even with Streamonator.

Colin Moran – Left yesterday’s game after being hit on the wrist. On June 6th, he had a groin injury. On June 9th, he was hit on the hand and missed games. On June 13th, he had lower back tightness and missed games. On June 28th, hit on the wrist. Colin Moran is why my premiums keep going up.

Spencer Howard – 2 1/3 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 5.82. Kinda irrelevant for fantasy (like some of this other stuff isn’t — ha!), but what are the Phils doing with Howard? Are they trying to ruin his arm? Are they trying to stretch him out by having him throw less pitches each time out? Dubya tee eff, Phils.

Alec Bohm – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 4th steal, hitting .240. I told you Bohm hadn’t retired after last season, you silly goose!

Joey Votto – 2-for-5 and his 9th homer, hitting .241. He gets so much hype, and he’s on pace for 20 homers. Juan Soto is on pace for 19 homers. Haha, put me out of my misery!

Nick Castellanos – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 7 RBIs and his 15th homer, hitting .347. The Greek God Of Hard Contact has established himself as a top 15 player in the majors, and number one for guys with mustachioed mothers.

Ian Happ – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer. Nice, Happ finally does something this year and it’s against the pitcher who have on more teams than anyone. Appreciate it! It being an ulcer.

Kyle Hendricks – 6 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.98. Hendfixed–Kidding, not doing that anymore. I don’t know what’s going on with Hendricks, but he gives up so many homers. Oh, Boydian.

Freddy Peralta – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners (4 BBs), 8 Ks, ERA at 2.17. He gave up two quick runs in the 1st inning, and, in previous years, he would’ve came unraveled, but FreddyKBB has alligator blood.

Avisail Garcia – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 15th homer. You think Yelich ever watches Garcia and just sighs? Thinking, “I used to be able to hit homers, but at least I have a hot mom.” Little does he know, Avisail is prolly sleeping with Yelich’s mom.

Keston Hiura – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 4th homer, and 2nd homer in the last two games, and third homer in the last four games, and, yes, 100% grab him right now in every league.

Willy Adames – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 11th homer, and 2nd homer in the last four games. I like Adames, but, beyond that, sometimes whole teams just heat up, and the Brewers’ lineup was long overdue.

Ryan Mountcastle – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 14th homer, hitting .269. Mountcastle, the British seaside detective drama, has had a great month of June (~.350, 9 HRs). So much better than Mt. Castle, the LLC that sells inflatable bouncy castles out of a garage, that struggled in April and May.

Austin Hays – 3-for-5, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer, and has a six-game hitting streak. If someone has a streak in their hair, it’s a different shade. A Hazy Shade of Winter was written by Simon & Garfunkel, and Simon would throw shade at Garfunkel, and Garfunkel needed shade for his bald head, but without it, Garfunkel’s head would turn sunburn, which is orange, and Austin Hays’s head shade in his hat is orange. Coincidence? C’mon, there’s no such thing.

Paul Fry – 1 1/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 3.68. Hey, serious question, has any middle relievers been made closers this year and had it work out?

Ketel Marte – Hit the IL with a left hamstring strain. He missed six weeks earlier this year with a strained right hamstring. After an exhaustive search on WebMD, I can confidently conclude there’s no middle hamstring, so Marte should be fine in another month.

Josh Rojas – 2-for-5 and his 10th homer, hitting .263. Kole Calhoun is returning soon, and Rojas will see everyday playing time. Josh will play too.

Paul DeJong – 1-for-2, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer, hitting .171. Colonel Mustard in the dry cleaners with a hanger!

Corey Seager – His rehab assignment has been indefinitely postponed. Has been sidelined for six weeks, and still can’t feel his hand when hits. As a macho person who has felt the sting of hitting a baseball in a 40 MPH batting cage, is not feeling the baseball so bad?

Mookie Betts – 2-for-3 and his 10th homer. Mookie Best! (Though, he’s been like Mookie 120th Best this year.)

Max Muncy – 1-for-4 and his 16th homer. Everything about Muncy’s peripherals makes me think he’s more of a .270 hitter now vs. the .240 one he was coming into this year. Solid, sustainable adjustments were made.

Trevor Bauer – 6 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.59.

LaMonte Wade Jr. – 2-for-4 and his 6th homer, and 2nd homer in the last three games. Hot schmotato alert!

Brandon Crawford – 1-for-4 and his 17th homer. My kingdom of Juan Sotos to trade them for Brandon Crawford.

Wilmer Flores – 4-for-4, hitting .269. He was a schmotato last week, and Wilmer’s still going, for crying out loud!

Gio Urshela – 2-for-3 and his 10th homer. Just had a thought, what if Ohtani played for the Yankees? You thought the hype was crazy now. Ohtani would have a town named after him in Jersey. Goodbye, Ho-Ho-Kus, hello Oh-Oh-Ohtani.

Giancarlo Stanton – 1-for-3 and his 14th homer, hitting .268. “If you need one more, Giancarlo, we could make it .269.” That’s what I wrote on a greeting card I put on Giancarlo’s pillow as I was disguised as a hotel maid.

Juan Lagares – 2-for-4 and his 2nd homer. Someone tell Maddon about Jo Adell. I’m begging here.

Shohei Ohtani – 1-for-5 and his 26th homer. Already started working on the top 100 for the 2nd half, which I will post on the Patreon, before putting it up here during the All-Star break, and, when ranking Ohtani, I was basically like, “Okay, how do I number this if I put him above the number one slot?”

Dylan Bundy – 1 2/3 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 6.78. But left the game early when he started throwing up on the mound. Adrian Houser vomited so Dylan Bundy could ralph. That’ll be the last time Bundy tries to hide Spider Tack in his dip. Ya know, when I saw him vomiting, I thought, “Finally, Bundy knows what it’s like to own him in fantasy.”