Hunter Brown Camouflages His Stuff Well In His Debut

Frequent commenter, PK, said the other day, “We have Hunter Greene, and now Hunter Brown in the big leagues. Just need a Hunter Orange to complete the redneck trifecta!” And I haven’t stopped thinking about that, so now you also have to think about it. Hey, PK, save the genius stuff for me! Or, Hunter Brown (6 IP, 0 ER, 3 hits, 1 walk, 5 Ks), as was the case yesterday in his MLB debut. At some point, the Astros have to stop creating top flight arms, don’t they? Wait a second! You know how the A’s went from attracting fans with OBP to allowing fans to have sex in the bleachers (sorta true, google it, if you don’t believe me), from Moneyball to NoMoneyball to Hornyball. Maybe the Astros are going from the Cheaty Cheaty Bang Bang Scandal to some other scandal we don’t know about yet that turns guys like Framber into aces. Mentioned this on the podcast the other day, which is on Youtube, and will be out on our regular podcast channel today, when discussing Hunter Brown. Astros get so much more from their starters than anyone expects. Why? Is something suspicious going on? Sorry, cheat once and I always think you’re cheating. With Hunter Brown, people actually expect nasty stuff, and with good reason. He has a filthy 85 MPH curve, 96 MPH slider — that’s right, 96 MPH! That’s the fastest slider in the majors this year, outside of deGrom — and a 97 MPH fastball. If you didn’t watch him, all the pitches looked devastatingly good. Now’s the time when I turn this back into the here and now and for this year, you’re likely better off with the Streamonator than holding Brown. Also, holding Brown is how one gets sepsis. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Rafael Montero – 1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 2.54, with his 12th save. Don’t usually talk about closers who are doing well, but two weeks of Montero has been better than five months of chasing the Phillies’ pen.

Dallas Keuchel – Released by the Rangers. Teams are tightening their grasp and releasing Keuchel so many times they’re really gonna have some strong pelvics.

Anthony Rizzo – Won’t be back until Wednesday at the earliest. Dealing with headaches after having an epidural. Rizzo’s got his timing all messed up. You have the headaches to avoid sex to avoid needing an epidural for the birth show. By the way, “birth show” is a medical term.

Harrison Bader – Could start a rehab assignment next week. It’s gonna be hilarious when Bader is finally activated and the Yankees’ fans see what they actually received for JoMo. “This fawkin guy who can’t keep his hat on? Bay-dur? That’s what we got? He sucks!”

Marwin Gonzalez – 1-for-2 and his 4th homer. With his homer, he was the first Yankee besides Aaron Judge to score a run since last Wednesday. Yanks have Judge and little Marwin to victory.

Isiah Kiner-Falefa – 2-for-3 and his 2nd homer. There should be some kind of rule, “If Israeli Diner Falafel homers off you, you’re automatically demoted to Triple-A, and you have to pay for your own travel.”

Aaron Judge – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 54th homer. I said last week, that I have him down for 66 homers, and the crazy thing is that’s still 12 homers in a month, which doesn’t sound undoable at all, and that’s still a lot!

Giancarlo Stanton – Left yesterday’s game after fouling the ball off his foot. Good news is x-rays were negative. *sees Giancarlo’s stats since returning from IL* Hmm, Giancarlo being healthy might actually be bad news.

Jameson Taillon – 5 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.95. Streamonator likes Taillon’s next start, but I’d be lying if I said I trusted him at all, and I would never lie to you, you incredibly handsome-faced person.

Gary Sanchez – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 14th homer. Must be nice to be back in Yankee Stadium for Gary. The place where he first came of age, finding out how much he really sucked from Yankee fans.

Jack Flaherty – 5 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.15. He’s now up to 13 innings this year, which is a very cursed number, so I worry we might never see inning number 14. I will need to do a seance to rid the evil juju of Jack Flaherty’s 13th innings. *standing under a cage with a dozen pigeons* Screaming through a hazmat suit, “They say bird poop is lucky! Hope this works!” Watching this game, I was left with the question: Does Flaherty look decent or do the Gnats look terrible? It’s hard to say, but I think it was mostly the Gnats looking bad. Impressed Flaherty did throw 91 pitches, though. That’s, um, something.

Anibal Sanchez – 5 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 4.56. Watched Anibal throw Pujols a 66 MPH eephus and thought to myself, “Anibal clearly doesn’t want Pujols to homer off him, because then he’d just throw him his usual 88 MPH fastball.”

Lance Lynn  – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA at 4.34. Has Tony La Russa thought about renting himself out to clubs, so he manages them for a month or two, then leaves suddenly and the teams then get the “La Russa’s not there” bump.

A.J. Pollock – 1-for-4 and his 11th homer, and 3rd homer in the last week. Pollock’s getting hot when the weather cools down. What a surprise!

Elvis Andrus – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer, and third homer in the last week. Elvis and Pollock are battling for who is the hottest bat in Chicago, which is not to say a Pollock Elvis, who sings House Rock Jail and Hotel Breakheart.

Ryne Nelson – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks in his MLB debut. Pitchers in history to reach 7+ IP, 0 runs, 0 walks, 7+ Ks in their debut are Ryne Nelson and Nick Kingham, which sounds like the most cursed factoid. Honestly, I read it from someone, and I don’t even believe it. Really? That’s it? Two guys? Any hoo! Nelson had a 5.43 ERA in Triple-A, so, yeah, I’d like to see more before crowning him the next Nick Kingham.

Stone Garrett – 2-for-3, 2 runs and his 3rd homer, hitting .424. Dbags must be hitting Stone at top of their order, huh? No? They must be playing him every day! Not that either? Well, at least they’re playing Corbin Carroll and not batting Carson Kelly at leadoff.

Blake Snell – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 3.73. I’d say he deserved better than a loss, but he seems kinda like a douche, and deserves to fall in love with Amber Heard.

Anthony Santander – 2-for-9 and his 26th and 27th homer. Okay, real scenario, Santander comes back to the Orioles, slotted into the three hole with Cedric and Gunnar in front and Adley behind. Santander is projected for 30/100/.260. He’s a top 15 outfielder this year on the Player Rater. So, where does he go next year and how is he not underrated? Is it at all possible? It doesn’t seem it to me.

Adley Rutschman – 5-for-9, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer, 2nd homer in three games. He’s played a little more than half a season, so I kinda wish I saw more power than roughly a 17-homer pace, but, then again, he’s got more poise than Blair Warner with a book on her head.

Teoscar Hernandez – 3-for-8 and his 20th homer. Vlad, the Mini Impaler, will be somewhere in the 7-15 range next year. Everyone else on the Jays? I haven’t a clue. For unstints, Teoscar is a complete mystery. If he’s 25/10/.270 to end the year (all possible numbers) and that’s not really that bad, then he’s roughly top 50-ish type numbers. If he ends the year 20/6/.250 (a slump to end the year), and he might not be in the top 100 next year.

Bo Bichette – 6-for-10, 8 RBIs and his 19th, 20th, 21st homer. Not going to pretend Bichette has been great because of one game, after I liked him more than anyone else in the preseason, but — and there’s always a but, unless you’re an alien — Bichette hasn’t ruined your season either.

Cavan Biggio – 2-for-7, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer, and his 2nd homer in three games, and third homer in five games. Hot schmotato alert!

Kevin Gausman – 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.12. At one point in this game, Gausman lost his mind over a balk call. Maybe because I just watched the Tim Donaghy documentary (by the way, Son has started dropping his fantasy basketball rankings), but I feel like every balk call is the ump with money on the game. The doc was wild, not so much that Donaghy was cheating, but how much NBA refs just decide to call or not call penalties based on if they like a guy. I’m sure this goes in MLB too. Umps just deciding they want to call a strike or a ball based on how nice the batter was getting into the box.

Jose Berrios – 6 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 5.23. Berrios has been berry, berry bad for me, so I kinda expect his next start, which is supposed to be easier, to go off the rails in some calamitous way.

Freddie Freeman – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and a home run. He’s had a solid year. You don’t roster him anywhere though, so now you guess how many homers he has. Go ahead! Bzzt! Wrongo! ! Seventeen. Meh.

Andrew Heaney – 5 1/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 2.94. Heaney having his worst start all year just to kick off H2H playoffs is such a nice kick in the ‘nads. Thank you, Heaney, may I have another?

Thairo Estrada – 1-for-3 and a slam (12) and legs (17), hitting .264. He’s had such a quiet season, I have him in one league, where I’ve benched him for the better part of the last month. Then I see I had India playing for him, and I want to punch August Grey so hard.

Lewis Brinson – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 1st and 2nd homer, as he hits leadoff for the Giants, hitting .364. Giants turned Wilmer Flores into a solid bat; they turned J.D. Davis (1-for-4, 9th homer) into a three-hole hitter, and, for their greatest trick, the Giants will try to fix Brinson.

Josh Naylor – 1-for-5 and his 17th homer, hitting .260. Naylor’s going to be undrafted in shallow leagues again next year, but he’s surprisingly decent for deep leagues. Kinda guy that no one cares about, but gets you top 200 overall numbers with around a top 350 overall price tag.

Drew Waters – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. What are those blue crayon squiggly marks? Oh! Drew Waters, I get it.

Jose Suarez – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.77. No exaggeration: Every time I look at Suarez in the first three innings, he has a no hitter. His first-time-through batting average against has to be .000.

Shohei Ohtani – 3-for-5, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 31st and 32nd homer. Also, in this game, Mike Trout (3-for-4, 3 runs) hit his 30th homer. Most incredibly, the Angels won!

Matt Wisler – Designated for assignment. “You stink!” That’s Wisler’s mother.

Alex Verdugo – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 9th homer. Can’t believe I ever liked Verdugo. I am so Overdugo.

Franchy Cordero – Collided with the wall, sprained his ankle, and needed to be carted off the field. Prayers up for Franchy. He’s done everything the Red Sox have asked of him. Get a home run every 10th game — check! Hit around .220 — check! Play terrible 1st base and outfield — check! Now that I think about it, the Red Sox should ask more of him.

Michael Wacha – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 hits, zero walks, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.58. His ERA looks so good! Dot dot dot. Yet, I look at Streamonator, which hates him, and I don’t trust him either.

C.J. Cron – 1-for-4, 2 runs and his 26th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. If he catches Judge in homers, I win $3K from a preseason bet. Let’s go! He only needs a 30-homer month!

Kris Bryant – No timetable to return. To get their money’s worth, the Rockies should have Bryant walk around the stadium selling hot dogs. Strap some wieners around his waist, put mustard in one water gun, ketchup in another, both holstered at his waist, and let him go shoot franks with condiments at people. And, if anyone over the age of 10 asks for ketchup, you shoot them in the face with your ketchup, saying, “That dog don’t Hunts.”