Halleberryloujah! *does sign of the Marlins, kneels* Blessed be thy lord of a Technicolor unicorn statue who graced his tight baseball pants around Giancarlo’s lower half. I won’t take too much of your time, I know you are prolly busy. Should I say probably when I’m addressing you? You know, I’m gonna move on rather than wait for an answer. I want to thank you for bringing Giancarlo Stanton into the 2017 season. I saw him in a game last week back off a changeup like he was still scared after taking the beanball off the melon. Was he scared? If he was, I wouldn’t have blamed him. I get scared too. Like when my wife says, “Hey, Grey I made plans for us to go out with my friend and her husband.” That scares me too. But now that he hit two homers, going 2-for-3 with 4 RBIs, I’m relieved. It was early, he was just getting into the swing things. Pun! What? You don’t like puns? Again, I’m fine not waiting for an answer. Okay, now I’m going to cut this short because a sprinkler is going off into my face and I’m kneeling on my neighbor’s lawn. Thank you. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Ender Inciarte – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and two homers (1, 2). Homers aren’t his bag, but he should be as good as any of your standard leadoffy types. He was actually dropped in my RCL, which I thought was silly, but I’m in last place right now so the world is upside down, Ender over Ender.
Freddie Freeman – 1-for-3 and his 3rd homer (and his 3rd RBI — hehe). His RBIs will come, as they did last year in the 2nd half. Freeman is the newer, sexier version of Joey Votto. I call him, Fetchy Boy-Crazy. Actually, I don’t, I think that’s a Bond vixen name.
Amir Garrett – 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners (zero walks), 5 Ks, ERA at 1.42. Hmm, think it’s time to look closer at Muslim Mrs. Garrett. Prospector Ralph said this offseason, “His control isn’t great, walking 59 batters in 144.2 innings, but it’s improved throughout his time in the minors. He throws a plus fastball in the mid-90’s, mixing in an above average slider that fluctuates between plus and fringe, and a developing change. By the way, I feel like I write about more developing changes than a Bloomberg reporter in Central America. Yeah, I know, it’s a nuanced joke. Grey wouldn’t understand because he’s stupid.” Hey, what’s that all about?! When I look at Amir’s peripherals, I see a pitcher I wouldn’t even trust yet in shallower mixed leagues for matchups. Though, in deeper leagues, I’d let up on the reins slightly, but beware the roofie.
Eugenio Suarez – 3-for-4, 1 run, 3 RBIs, hitting .429. Hot schmotato alert!
Ivan Nova – 6 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 1 K, ERA at 2.25. No walks is cool, but I like it a bit more with 5 or more Ks. Not super, Nova. More like Hale Bopp. Amiright, Heaven’s Gate people?!
David Freese – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer, hitting cleanup. Has anyone made so much out of so little? Freese shouldn’t even be a cleanup hitter on a Triple-A team. Disgraceful, C**nt Hurdle!
Matt Harvey – Will make his Sunday start. Anyone wanna put money down that he leaves the start after five innings with renewed soreness? I think we’re at two for instances of Harvey saying he’s not injured when he is injured.
Michael Conforto – 2-for-4, 3 runs and his 2nd homer. Two starts, two homers. Granderson needs to play? Really? Really, Seth Myers?
Maikel Franco – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 2nd homer, and 2nd in as many games. Team Grey Albright, or as my Yelp-powered autocorrect likes to write Gravy Albrisket, is doing pretty good. I will continue to update you if it continues to do well, or forget to mention how it’s doing if it tanks.
Vince Velasquez – 5 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 9.00. He had poor months last year too, followed by 1-something ERA months. Some months it’s Wince, some it’s Vince.
Matt Bush – Needed an injection in his shoulder. Jeremy Jeffress now gets the lead for the closer job, but he’s not looked good. Jose Leclerc looked solid last night, that might be all this shituation needs. Jeff Banister refuses to name someone and Tony Barnette could also see save chances. Imagine a baseball manager in another job. “He keeps bringing his shih tzu in and we’ve lost three guys because of it.” “Okay, so he might not be our best K-9 Unit policeman, refusing to use our dogs and instead turning to Mr. Peabody, but it’s a high pressure job.” Managers one job is to put the right guy in the right situation!
Mike Napoli – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 2nd homer. He must’ve started cold, because I picked him up off waivers in one of my leagues, but he does tend to get scorching hot like his mother’s nipples, so let’s see it/them!
Elvis Andrus – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 3rd homer, hitting .333. Speaking of scorching hot, he’s been on fire to start the year. Don’t go and drop anyone too big, but could schmotato him a little.
Carlos Gomez – 1-for-4 and his 2nd homer, hitting .129, breaking an 0-for-13 slump. Not sure if he’s out of the woods yet, but maybe, if so, leave some breadcrumbs for Buxton!
Mike Trout – 1-for-4 and his 3rd homer. Who’s this guy? Trout who? Mike what?
Todd Frazier – Scratched with the flu. Have you met my friend, Rob Tussin?
Stephen Drew – Hit the DL with a hamstring. Sounds like it might be contagious to Nats shortstops. It’s a pathogen and it’s replicating itself! *runs out of the room screaming* Filling in for the Nats will be Wilmer Difo, who I prefer in a Platoon, or as the Green Goblin.
Max Scherzer – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 2.13 vs. Mike Leake – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 0.60. I’m reminded of the song After the Flood by Brandy, “I’m way past a leak, I feel a tsunami right here on my cheek,” if she were singing from the POV of being Scherzer, but she might be talking about face orgasms. Any hoo!
Stephen Piscotty – 3-for-5, 5 RBIs and his 1st homer. To think, you wanted him off your team eight games in and now nine games in you like him. Crazy!
J.D. Martinez – Faced live pitching on Wednesday. You can imagine how disappointed all those zombie pitchers were that wanted to face him.
Andrew Romine – 2-for-3, 4 RBIs and his 1st homer, a grand slam. Romine with the huge home run, lettuce rejoice!
Michael Fulmer – 6 IP, 3 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.25. I’m with the Stream-o-Nator on Fulmer, even in home starts against a team like the Twins, SON had a case of the Mehs ($6). He just doesn’t excite me as much as I think he should. The 95 MPH fastball is nice, but the 7-ish K/9 is less so.
Byron Buxton – Was benched yesterday, where he ate sunflower seeds, spitting out the seeds and eating the shells.
Zach Lee – 5 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners (4 BBs), 3 Ks. Padre Fan #1, “I can’t believe how bad this rotation is. I want to throw eggs at the mound.” Padres Fan #2, “Egg Zach Lee?” Padres Fan #1, “I’m glad you agree!”
Ryan Schimpf – 1-for-2, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer, hitting . –pf bang’s!
Jabari Blash – 0-for-3, hitting .000. Okay, but you combine that with his Spring Training average he’s hitting, like, what? .450? .440? .000 still? Aw, man.
Kyle Freeland – 4 2/3 IP, 6 ER. Someone bid $76 of FAAB on Freeland in Tout Wars; I bid and won Senzatela for $1. *insert gif of that random white guy not reacting*
David Price – Threw a pain-free bullpen session. Raise your hand if you’re sick of Price injury updates. ne to. Ugh, sorry, had both hands up and tried typing with my nose.
Trey Mancini – 2-for-3, 4 RBIs and his 1st and 2nd homer. Guess who picked him up? Well, I already have my hands up from the last blurb. He’s around a 20-homer hitter in full-time at-bats, but will likely only face lefties. One of which is today, so I’m giving him a whirl that he’s swinging a hot bat. He only has to prove more worthy than The Lisper’s Nightmare and Kim (not Eminem’s ex), so Mancini could work his way into everyday at-bats.
Chris Davis – 3-for-5, 2 runs and his 2nd homer. Also, in this game, Adam Jones (2-for-5) hit his 2nd homer and Jonathan Schoop (2-for-4, 2 RBIs) hit his 1st as he joined the 2017 season. Everyone was slamming Steven Wright (1 1/3 IP, 8 ER) like it was a Comedy Central Roast. Even the one random non-funny person got into the act. Let’s call that person The Situation.
Pablo Sandoval – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer, hitting .133. He’s hitting his weight, in the after-dysentery picture. Sorry, still in roast mode.
Justin Turner – Remains out with a sore quad. No relation to Lord Farquaad.
Andrew Toles – 2-for-5 and his 2nd homer. Isn’t his bag steals? Hey, I don’t mind it, you do your thing, Toles. Just don’t fall in love with the long ball. Look at Coach Gravy Albrisket! Okay, need to remove this Yelp-powered autocorrect now.
Brandon McCarthy – 5 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 1.54 vs. John Lackey – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 3.00. So far, so happy I drafted Lackey in nearly every league. Wish I would’ve doubled up on that Old World style with McCarthy too. You can’t go wrong with Dodgers starters, I really believe that.
Marcus Stroman – 9 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 1.76 as he was the tough luck loser against Chase Anderson – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 0.69. Well, Stroman we know, but this Chase Anderson cat — purr, purr — know what I’m sayin’? *looks at Anderson’s xFIP, his K/9, his peripherals* Oh, God, why did I do that? I’m blind! Wait, I just had my eyes shut doing a Ben Carson impersonation. Okay, but still not great for Chase. A hole? Maybe, don’t know him personally, but more just avoid.
Marcus Semien – 0-for-3, 2 runs and a steal, now with 4 SBs. Semien has been running so much that I would’ve sworn Oakland hired a Japanese coach.
Andrew Triggs – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 0.00. Love that I drafted him in my NFBC league, hate that I’ve benched him for both of his starts. Sonavabench! His peripherals are saying he’s getting super lucky, however. So, I’d give him a start at home if Stream-o-Nator ever agrees, but I’d be hesitant about going all in yet.
Jason Hammel – 4 2/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 6.52. Life’s too short like Altuve, Royals are not going to be good, and I’d lose Hammel in most shallower leagues. Maybe we’ll go back to him at some point, but right now it’s not worth the aggravation.
Raul Mondesi – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 1st homer. Cool, nice, solid, but how about Survivor last night?! Wow! Sorry, I’m the only one that still watches it, I know. As for Mondesi, more power to him, literally! Kidding, he’s a mess. He’s hitting .167, and I wouldn’t be surprised if it never gets above .210. Really think another year in the minors might do him good. I’m also farting in your general direction, Buxton.
Taylor Motter – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer, after a three-hit game in his first start. Someone’s getting Wally Pipp’d! Maybe a short-term schmotato until Segura comes back.
David Peralta – 2-for-4, 1 RBI and his 2nd steal, hitting .216. I still believe.
Derek Holland – 6 IP, 5 baserunners (1 Hit), 4 Ks, ERA at 1.50 vs. Danny Salazar – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA at 4.63. I watched this game because I wanted to see Salazar, so maybe some confirmation bias came into play, but Holland may have only gave up one hit, however Salazar looked a lot better. Quite a few line drives were at people with Holland and I wasn’t impressed, i.e. Holland can kiss my grits with his tulips.
Blake Snell – 4 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 3 BBs, 1 K, ERA at 3.18. I bet he’s gonna be good at some point, but I’m so out on Snell. I’ve dropped him in a 15-team mixed league and wouldn’t go near him outside of deeper leagues. He’s just too erratic at this point.
Greg Bird – Remained sidelined with the flu and an ankle injury. A flankle injury, so to speak.
Jordan Montgomery – 4 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks in his 1st major league start. Previously, I said, “My quick and dirty take on him is he’s a junkball pitcher who throws like he’s a 37-year-old who has made adjustments from his fireball youth days. He has decent Ks in the minors (and spring), but junk plays in the minors better than it plays in the majors. He could be a 4.50 ERA pitcher in the majors with a 6+ K/9 and I wouldn’t be surprised. Impressed, I am not. Talk like Yoda, I am doing.” And that’s me quoting me!
Brett Gardner – Collided with Rickie Weeks on grounder and pulled from the game with a bruised jaw and neck. Gardner flew way too close to the SAGNOF sun.
Aaron Judge – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .308. The Yankees’ lineup 7-8-9 hitters: Judge, Higashioka, Kozma. Sounds like the chairman from Iron Chef. They need a player named, Allie Cuisine. “Before my at-bat, I will bite into this bell pepper.”