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As many of you know, I was in Mexico City this weekend. The funny thing (is this funny?), I was in Mexico City for a cousin’s wedding. Not until maybe three days before did I realize it was the same weekend as the Padres and Giants playing in Coors South, which I guess is Corona. Around the city, they had these player statues, and, boy, were they awful:

I look more like Manny Machado than that statue! Any hoo! I’m being told this is not Travel & Leisure dot com. Too bad, I had some great tips for Gavin Stone about how to get to Los Angeles. El eff gee! That’s right, the Dodgers are calling him up to start on Wednesday. I have Stone stashed since March in multiple leagues; I just gave you a Gavin Stone fantasy two weeks ago. I am absolutely all-in. As Bob Dylan would say, everybody must get Stone. Seriously, don’t leave any Gavin Stone unturned. All those Dodgers’ babies from last week are going to have Gavin as their birth Stone. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Jacob deGrom – Hit the IL with elbow inflammation. This is shocking. I am shocked. I…hold on…my eyes bulged out of my head in shock. I need to find my eyes. You should go back to the preseason and find anyone who said something to the affect that deGrom is top 25 overall draft pick and give them a little sympathetic pat on the back. They must really be reeling by this very shocking news. They also must roster deGrom because they told you to draft him that high, so I’m sure they followed their own advice, right? No? Now that is really shocking. Wow, you’re telling me someone told you to draft deGrom but didn’t draft them themselves? Crazy and shocking.

Nathan Eovaldi – 9 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.93. Who needs deGrom, huh? (I don’t, honestly, but some do think they do.) Eovaldi was a huge Streamonator call on Saturday, and it’s less favorable for his next one.

Josh Jung – 2-for-4, 3 runs, 5 RBIs and his 6th homer, a grand slam. Don’t look now (metaphorically, open your eyes), but Jung is on pace for 35 homers.

Jonah Heim – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 5th homer, hitting .303. Hit ’em with the Heim!

Nestor Cortes – 4 2/3 IP, 7 ER, 9 baserunners (4 BBs), 7 Ks, ERA at 4.91. It’s the first time Cortes has allowed more than four runs since 2020. Homering off him was Adolis Garcia (2-for-3, 3 runs, 8th homer), Nathaniel Lowe (1-for-2, 3 runs, 2 RBIs, 4th homer), and Jung. Oh, Nestor. Wait, who was the other option? I’m asking Nestor…and who? Cause I wanna hear my options now.

Shohei Ohtani – 1-for-3 and his 7th homer, after stealing two bags on Saturday (4, 5). Hey, but I got a win this week! *quietly sobs* Sunday’s homer was the highest Launch Angle homer since Statcast started at 39 degrees. Ice cold. His homer also had 6.98 seconds of hangtime. That’s longer than some of Britney’s marriages.

Jose Suarez – 5 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 7.89. He debuted a harder slider on Sunday that seemed to work for him. Some thought it was a cutter, but that was just them thinking about cutting him from their fantasy team. He might be worth monocle’ing, and Streamonator.

Colin Rea – 5 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners (1 BB), 9 Ks, REA at 4.79. Sorry ERA, stupid dyslexia. His career high nine strikeouts are also a season high for a Brewers starter. Not exactly what people drafting Freddy, Burnes or Woodruff expected to read.

Mitch Haniger – 1-for-4 and his 2nd homer. Also, homering: J.D. Davis (2-for-3, 6th homer) and LaMonte Wade Jr. (1-for-4, 5th homer). Even Austin Nola (1-for-4, 2 RBIs, 1st homer). If you didn’t homer in Mexico City, were you even swinging the bat? Mexico City is like if Coors games were played on the moon with an aluminum bat.

Miguel Andujar – 0-for-3 as he was recalled by the Pirates. That recalling went, “Hey, don’t we have some guy who’s not very good?” “Nah, Cole Tucker’s on the Rockies now.” “No, not him.” Okay, that’s not fair, because Andujar is on the Pirates and everyone is now good on the Pirates. Welcome to the world of Everything That Is Down Is Now Up. For more on that subject, see: Vince Velasquez, newfound ace. Andujar homered twice on Saturday, and I could see him being a grab in deeper leagues. He is a platoon bat, though. It is interesting he hit third yesterday.

Johan Oviedo – 2 1/3 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 4.78, as he get destroyed by the Gnats. Why, Fantasy Baseball Overlord, must you send your toughest, most unfair Regression Fairies when guys are facing their seemingly easiest opponent?

Josiah Gray – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.67. Imagine getting to May and not thinking you should roster a sub-3 ERA pitcher. Is he this good? No, so? Do you not have an ERA category in your league?

Bryce Harper – Sounds like he’s returning on Tuesday. Damn, if I didn’t have little tiny legs, I’d kick myself for not drafting him anywhere.

J.T. Realmuto – 1-for-4 and his 3rd homer, hitting .281. I don’t have Jerry Tomato anywhere, so I had no idea he was hitting 6th. That kinda kills that ol’ “top 25 overall” value.

Grayson Rodriguez – 5 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 4.07. Was gonna say something like, “Don’t let my boy, Grayson, get good because then my teams are gonna become better,” but looking at Grayson’s ERA vs., say, Lance Lynn or Joe Musgrove and, give me three Graysons and find me a Mrs. Brady. I mean, Zack Wheeler’s ERA is only 3.86!

Jorge Mateo – 1-for-4 and his 6th homer, hitting .347. One of the best Aprils, and he can’t even move above Gunnar Henderson (0-for-4, hitting .189) or Kyle Stowers (1-for-4, hitting .125) in the lineup. Fire all MLB managers!

Yennier Cano – 1 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 2 Ks, ERA at 0.00, and 0.00 WHIP and his 2nd save. Cano threw a perfect April. Zero hits, zero walks, 11 innings. Better than a Cano-no. There is no one more Yennier than Yennier. Just gonna go ahead and say Yennier is the Yenniest. Bautista is still in front of him for saves, but worth rostering just for ratios.

Bailey Ober – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 1.59 as he was recalled. Ober’s been ready to contribute for so long, he should already be a reliable number starter four starter going back two years. His one drawback is he gives up too many homers. He is the master of ceremonies of the Ding Dong Parade. That’s different than “Ding Dong” Parades, the all-or-nothing hitter in the Mexican League. As long as Maeda is out (should be a while) and Ober is in the rotation, he should be decent not flashy. Think 8 K/9, low-2 BB/9, mid-3 ERA.

Byron Buxton – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 7th homer. I goaded him last week into getting hot. You’re welcome.

Brady Singer – 2 2/3 IP, 8 ER, ERA at 8.49. *aims Singer towards sun, presses Launch*

Kerry Carpenter – Hit the IL with a shoulder strain. Damn, hope he’s not suffering from Gamelitis, the disease that afflicts prospects right when they’re breaking out, so they never get to show what they can do.

Eduardo Rodriguez – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.21. Someone call 1-800-Locksmith, because EdRod’s locked in!

Randal Grichuk – 2-for-4, 2 runs as he was activated from the IL. Forgot this guy still played. Thought he might’ve retired to teach kids the perils of bat flipping and showboating. Knowing Bud Black, Grichuk will play every game the rest of the way. Sorry, Brenton, it was a good run.

C.J. Cron – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 6th homer. Keep in mind April is usually as good as it gets from Cron.

Dominic Fletcher – 1-for-2, 1 run, as he was called up by the Dbags. He should go by the name, Mr. Underhill. If you get that reference. You get a cookie and you’re old. Fletcher seems like a temp fill-in in case Corbin Carroll is a little banged-up. I don’t want to believe Corbin Carroll is hurt too bad. Please join me in a prayer octagon.

Kevin Gausman – 7 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 13 Ks, ERA at 2.33. Move over Zeus, the Split God is dealing. He only splits aces, because he’s as good as two aces in one. Thank you, Split God!

Easton McGee – 6 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 2 baserunners, 2 Ks, as he was called up by the Mariners. Easton McGee sounds like the character of a bad graphic novel where his sneakers give him power. “Easton, do you have to wear your sneaks into the pool?” “What if Crocs McOpentoed shows up? I have to be ready.” They gave away this graphic novel at Buster Brown shoe stores and it’s very bad. Any hoo! He hit the IL with a forearm strain, so he’s gone.

Cal Raleigh – 2-for-4, 3 runs, 4 RBIs and his 4th and 5th homer. Did he hit those with his bat or his ass? Who’s to say?

Taylor Trammell – 1-for-4 and his 1st homer, as he was activated from the IL. He has 30-steal speed and 15 to 20-homer power. Likely will be in a platoon, but call him Tra-hmm-ell, because I’m pausing in the middle of his last name to consider because he is intriguing, y’all!

Cody Bellinger – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer, hitting .297, and 2nd homer in as many games. He had three homers vs lefties the last two years. He has four already. It’s with great pleasure to announce, Belli’s back, baby!

Edward Cabrera – 5 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 12 Ks, ERA at 4.67. Don’t think it’s gonna be this year, or maybe not until August, but, at some point, he’s going to be a top 20 starter in baseball and people are gonna be wondering where he’s been all their lives.

Luis Arraez – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs. Finishes April hitting .438. It’s the highest end-of-April batting average since Barry Bonds (.472) in 2004. Arraez about to hit 74 homers.

Hunter Greene – 5 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 2.89. Here’s a comp for you with Edward Cabrera. He’s about three months behind Greene. He’s a Green Greene.

Nick Lodolo – 5 IP, 3 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 6.16. His homers allowed is absurd. No one has been donged-up since the Houston 500.

Nick Senzel –  2-for-4, 2 runs and his 2nd homer, 2nd homer in the last four games, hitting near-.500 in the last week. Hot schmotato alert!

Brent Rooker – 2-for-2, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer, hitting .353. Commenter, Three Dong Night, said they’re getting the feeling that Rooker is this year’s Christian Walker, and that’s a pretty apt comp.

Brayan Bello – 5 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 6.57. Bello Man Ace! And Streamonator hates his next one and I don’t disagree.

Alex Verdugo – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 4th homer, hitting .308, as he hits leadoff. If he breaks 16 homers this year, the ball is definitely juiced.

Chris Sale – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 3 hits, zero walks, 5 Ks, ERA at 6.75. Has now alternated good starts with terrible starts, and after the good start is when you’re supposed to sell Sale. It’s right there in his name.

Logan Allen – 5 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.45. Hey, it’s the guy I loved before Stone and Bibee, which doesn’t mean I don’t still love him. Expand my fantasy rosters so I can carry seven rookie pitchers!

Luke Raley – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 6th and 7th homer, and three homers in three games. Hot schmotato alert! (Though, really all Rays are.)

Taylor Walls – 4-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and a slam (4) and double legs (4, 5), hitting .302. See what I said 1/8th of an inch above. Or five inches if talking to a girl.

Garrett Cleavinger – 2 ER, and the blown save, ERA at 2.53, as Peter Fairbanks is sidelined with Raynaud’s syndrome. Can’t believe they shortened it from Devilraynaud’s. This is the Woke Mind Virus! I don’t know how long Fairbanks will be out, but it didn’t seem too long. The Rays could turn to about five different relievers, and likely will. I guess Jason Adam is the top replacement.

Andrew Vaughn – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .255. I’ve officially benched Vaughn in one league where I have him, because freakin’ Taylor Walls is out-powering him!

Adam Haseley – 4-for-5, 3 runs, 1 RBI. I will cackle hysterically until they drag me away in a straitjacket if he takes any playing time from Luis Robert.

Yasmani Grandal – 1-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .241. He’s been a bright spot for the White Sox. Though, it might be a “Hey, it’s only going to hail instead of a death-spiral tornado” type positive situation when pertaining to the White Sox.

Reynaldo Lopez – 1/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 8.76, and dealing with a biceps issue. At this point, I just want to say, if you’re a White Sox fan, you are not alone. You have people who love you. Just not MLB players. They all hate you. Yesterday was a reprieve from your misery, but there will be more bad times ahead. Please brace yourself. For saves with the White Sox, Bummer feels very appropriate.

Lance Lynn – 6 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 5 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 7.16. He had a no-hitter going into the 7th inning and then it fell apart worse than the White Sox right after Opening Day. White Sox’s Kryptonite is “playing baseball.” I know, I know, they’re only 1-10 now in their last 11; things are looking up!

Luis Robert – Didn’t start Sunday after being pulled on Saturday for lack of hustle. He was running like he had a load in his pants while using Eloy’s legs. Grifol saw enough from Luis Robert not moving fast enough for his tastes. You know who didn’t move fast enough for my tastes? Grifol pulling gee-dee Lance Lynn from his no-hit bid! How many runs allowed do you want to see before realizing this is no longer a no-hitter? Man, the entire White Sox team is poisoned. What’s this, the fourth season in a row where the White Sox have looked good on paper in March? Only for it to turn out that is used toilet paper.