DJ LeMahieu hit the DL with an oblique injury, and is out for months. It happened when DJ was carrying a crate of records. “Aunt Audrey is requesting the Electric–Side! My side!” As DJ collapsed into a heap of bar mitzvah party favors he’d collected. Garrett Hampson (0-for-3) was called up to fill in for him, and I tried to add him everywhere. Prospector Ralph had him in his top 100 fantasy baseball prospects, and said, “Hampson brings a nice mix of plus contact and plus-plus base running ability. With his combination of contact, speed, and plate approach he has a shot to carve out a niche as a top of the order run producer, which is different than Grey who is a ‘runs producer,’ as in he produces crap.” Hey! Hampson could have a 6 HR, 15 steal 2nd half, or, knowing the Rockies, Hampson will sit on the bench four out of five games while Pat Valaika plays. I wish these were laughter tears. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
Ian Desmond – 1-for-3 and his 19th homer. He’s almost as sexy as Selma Diamond. *makes heart shape with hands on chest*
Zack Greinke – 8 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 13 Ks, ERA at 3.05. Greinke reminds me of every Kings of Leon song off the Aha Shake Heartbreak album. Just neurotic moaning with some enthusiastic whee’ing. Wish I could get some of that ooooooh….whee’ing on my teams. (If you’re having a hard time picturing what I mean in your head, listen to Milk. It was Kings of Leon before they just rhymed ‘somebody’ with ‘somebody.’)
Nick Kingham – 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 4.11. I streamed Kingham in this Saturday start (Starturday?), so I can say from firsthand knowledge, I didn’t feel great about it. Not sure if I’d ever feel completely confident about starting him, but here goes nothing because C-Mart and Robbie Ray have destroyed my teams. Lowercase yay!
Corey Dickerson – 4-for-5, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer, and about a zillion* homers since the break. Co-Dick isn’t just a cute name for Siamese Twins attached at the genitals, he could be Player 101 on the top 100 for the 2nd half. You nah’mean’ing? *Five homers in the last four games.
Gregory Polanco – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 17th homer, hitting .237. The Reds made my bet that no one on the Pirates would get to 20 homers this year fairly ridiculous. Unless someone on the Reds was who bet me. Hmm, has Pete Rose been reinstated?
Starling Marte – 2-for-4 and his 15th homer. Pete Rose in a paste-on mustache, “I am Rete Pose and would like to take the over on 20 homers against Grey Albright.”
Matt Harvey – 3 2/3 IP, 8 ER, ERA at 5.21. Sticking with the gambling theme, the Reds were like the guy at the casino who is up early, so he extends his trip for three more days and ends up losing so badly that he asks if he can refund his seafood buffet by barfing into a bucket. The Reds might’ve been able to sell Harvey for 75 cents on the dollar before yesterday’s game, now they might have to barf their lunch into a bucket.
Jeurys Familia – Traded to the A’s. The Jeurys with the verdict: your fantasy value is kaput. Taking over in Messland, it would appear to be Gsellman on most occasions, and Swarzak on some. The Mess seem like they’re going this route: we don’t want to commit to Gsellman as our closer, so we’re going to bring him into games in the 8th inning and keep him partially stretched out. Or they’re just trying to ruin his arm, and one inning just won’t cut it. Whereas Swarzak can only pitch one inning. Honestly, not sure on the Mess’ pen, even though some seem to definitely think it’s Gsellman.
Yoenis Cespedes – Returned on Friday, underwent MRIs on Saturday, and, on Sunday, he rested. Sounds like a Metssiah.
Noah Syndergaard – Hit the DL with hand, foot and mouth disease. It’s a disease common amongst toddlers. Can only assume Syndergaard got it because the Mets replaced sunflower seeds with used pacifiers in the clubhouse to save a couple bucks. Or the Mets patch up their uniforms with old baby blankets.
Dylan Covey – 8 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.95. The Covey is known for the most delightful dolphin meat and a solid start every dozen or so starts.
Mike Zunino – 0-for-4 as he was activated from the DL, hitting .185. He missed a month with an ankle injury, but, if you owned him and left him in a catcher slot, you might not have noticed he was gone, instead just happy to be avoiding 0-for-4’s.
Ryon Healy – 3-for-4, 6 RBIs and his 19th and 20th homer, hitting .244. Hadn’t done much in July until yesterday, but had eight homers in June, and is on pace for 32 homers. On my team I call that, “Better than Jose Abreu.”
Carlos Martinez – Hit the DL with a strained oblique. Is there a chance he’s been dealing with an injury for the last few months and subjecting his owners to subpar pitching all this time? I don’t doubt it. It has been a glorious time to own C-Mart. Reminds me of the time I was pantsed in middle school. I was wearing brown underwear!
Jose Martinez – 0-for-3, hitting .295. Last week TMZ caught Jo-Ma with Mike Shildt’s wife and he has only played sporadically since. I’m guessing, because Jo-Ma ‘can’t play defense’ goes only so far when he’s one of your best hitters. What is a Mike Shildt anyway? Sounds like an off-brand Mike Schmidt. Yo, Mike Shildt, you a Costco Mike Schmidt? Between LeMahieu, C-Mart and Jo-Ma, the top 100 for the 2nd half took a bunch of hits in less than a week.
Jose Quintana – 7 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.87. He’s been dealing with shoulder fatigue, which would explain why he’s been terrible, if, ya know, this shoulder problem dated back about 18 months. If you think this is a good sign for Quintana moving forward, I have a bridge game with four elderly women to sell you. Oh, and the Cubs said Yu Darvish is nearing mound work, so maybe they can share an arm.
Pablo Lopez – 6 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 5.09. He was acquired as part of the David Phelps deal from the Mariners. Phelps?! What are you thinking trading away Buhner?! Pabs throws 92, has three pitches, serviceable 4th or 5th starter for the Marlins, not for you, unless the Stream-o-Nator has somehow lost its mind.
Kyle Barraclough – 2/3 IP, 5 ER and his 4th blown save, ERA up to 2.45. On Friday of last week, I sent a text to Podcaster Ralph (same guy as Prospector Ralph, different hat), saying, “We should talk about Adam Conley on the next podcast.” PR responded, “Yup, picked him up in my leagues last week.” Until then, check out Conley’s peripherals: 10.6 K/9, 3.1 BB/9, 2.73 ERA, 0.87 WHIP, fastball up from 89 MPH last year to 95 this year (!!!).
J.A. Happ – 5 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 4.18. In case this is his last start with the Jays, he signed the game ball, “Please let this be my last game on the Jays,” then placed it at the gravestone of the seagull Dave Winfield killed.
Randal Grichuk – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 13th homer, and 2nd homer this weekend. Hot schmotato alert!
Jonathan Schoop – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 12th homer, hitting .231, as he hits third now with the Machado’s departure. I don’t mean to laugh, and I don’t hate Schoop, but the Orioles are some sad tea.
Mike Fiers – 6 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 10 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.49. *looks at Fiers’ ERA, then looks at C-Mart and Robbie Ray’s combined ERA on my team, ties cement block to ankle, drops cement block into pool, cement cracks bottom of pool causing water to pour out* Cougs, I broke the pool!
Walker Buehler – Will return on Wednesday. Yup, I picked him up. We’ve gone over him so much, if you’re not picking him up at this point, not sure what else I can say. Is this like the dentist? Do I need to promise you a lollipop?
Matt Kemp – 3-for-5, 3 runs and his 16th and 17th homers, hitting .316. Serious question, if Dave Roberts were to mistake an electrical outlet for a pencil sharpener and the electrical current were to subtract 15 IQ points for every zap, how many times can he ‘sharpen’ his pencil and still win with the lineup he has? Let’s say he’s starting at an IQ of 125 so we’re all on the same page. I think four zaps and he’s still fine.
Sean Doolittle – Turns out his ‘ouchie’ on his toe is a stress reaction on the bridge of his foot and will sideline him for weeks. You know what’s hilarious to me? Sacha Baron Cohen. You know what’s infuriatingly hilarious? There is millions of dollars riding on a player’s health and teams can’t just get a simply x-ray of someone’s foot. How does a stubbed toe become a stress reaction of the bridge of someone’s foot? I am incredulous. Kelvin Herrera (save yesterday) should be the first replacement option, but Martinez has already shown he might go occasionally with Ryan Madson.
Bryce Harper – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and a slam (24) and legs (8), hitting .218. Aw, his daddy would be so proud, as he lifts a Camaro in a strongman competition.
Mike Foltynewicz – 5 2/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA up to 2.85. I don’t know what’s worse, he gives up 8 ER in 2/3 IP to get his ERA closer to 3.50, as it should be, or just a month’s worth of yawnstipating starts.
Justin Verlander – 6 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA at 2.19. Once a pitcher is over 2.00 ERA there’s no way to get back below it. Mathematically, it’s impossible. People reading this like, “Um, I think it is mathematically possible.” It’s not possible, stop thinking about it. But — again with some stank — BUT! if it were possible Verlander would pull off that ridiculousness.
Lance McCullers – 4 1/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.01. I hate when I’m right about guys who should be sells, especially when I own them. Actually, only when I own them I hate it.
Andrew Heaney – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.66. Heaney seems like the ideal candidate to stream, but I went to look at the Stream-o-Nator, not for his next matchup, but to see his ownership number, and he’s not exactly a streamer. He’s owned in too many leagues for that, which does make sense.
Mike Trout – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and a slam (26) and legs (16), hitting .307. It’s still surprising to me that The Sciosciapath plays Trout every day.
Kole Calhoun – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 10th homer, hitting .190 and his first hits in the 2nd half, as he hits leadoff. Hey, he’s a redhead so he at least looks like he’s on fire.
Ian Kinsler – 3-for-4, 3 runs 2 RBIs and his 12th homer, hitting near-.300 in the last week, and homered off a position player. Hey, they all count, right? By the by, more position players pitching this year or is it me? Hint: it’s not me.
Chris Sale – 6 IP, 0 ER, 2 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 2.13. Okay, okay, Sale could pull off that Verlander feat too.
Jackie Bradley Jr. – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs, hitting .211. I saw JBJ made it on some ‘perts list of guys who can be better in the 2nd half. As Fantasy Baseball Tupac says, “All respect to those that try to keep their sleepers’ expectations in check,” but can JBJ be worse in the 2nd half? What’s the expectations on JBJ? 7 HRs, .270? Um, okay, cool. Corey Dickerson did that shizz in the opening weekend after the break.
Nick Pivetta – 5 1/3 IP, 4 ER at home vs. the Padres, raising his ERA to 4.78. There is literally no one worst than Pivetta. When you’re bad and you pitch bad, that’s fine, but when you have incredibly sexy peripherals and you go out and throw terrible games, you are literally the worst.
Rhys Hoskins – 3-for-9, 3 runs, 4 RBIs and his 15th and 16th homers. Rhysus has rhysen!
Madison Bumgarner – 4 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 3.19. His ERA is still more than respectable; his name still should attract interest. But if you own Bumgarner, I’d be looking to sell him everywhere.
Matt Olson – 2-for-4 and his 20th and 21st homer. Like how the Palestinians and Israelis keep each other on their toes, let’s hope Allahson and Rhysus keep pushing each other to be better!
Khris Davis – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 22nd and 23rd homer, hitting .249. Be cool to see Davis be this year’s home run champ. Don’t think it happens necessarily, but would be cool so the average baseball fan can think it’s Chris Davis from the Orioles.
Sean Manaea – 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.38. Sure glad I dropped Manaea and kept C-Mart, McCullers and Robbie Ray. So, so glad. *lies on train tracks, train skids to halt, just short of me* Conductor, “Hey, aren’t you the guy who told me to drop Manaea?” *starts up train again*
Willie Calhoun – 0-for-3. He was called up on Friday, and Dan Pants gave you a rundown, and I told you to Buy him on Friday and I’ve been saying to grab him for the last two years, so, yeah, I’m not the reason why you don’t own him. I do love how the Rangers have started him batting 8th, and by ‘love’ I mean, seriously, dubya tee eff? You want to hide Calhoun’s glove, his bat is not the issue. Why would you bat him at the bottom of the order? Is it because you’re trying to protect him from pressure? Well, here’s the thing, you effin’ numbskulls, there’s more pressure when hitting around you is Uh-oh Chirinos and a platoon of DeShizz and Stanley Tucci, or whoever the hell the Rangers are batting ninth! Being protected in the middle of the order is easier. Major league managers are legit giving me an ulcer.
Rougned Odor – 3-for-3, 3 RBIs and a slam (7) and legs (8), hitting .259, and near-.500 in the last week. I can’t believe Odor and I ever broke up, which is exactly what everyone says right before they return home to find their loved one screwing someone else in their beanbag they’ve dressed to look like Jonathan Gold. RIP.
Jake Odorizzi – 6 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 4.37. I wrote approximately 217 words (who’s counting?) about how good Odorizzi is looking, then I saw he’s in Fenway next time out and almost deleted Odorizzi’s blurb completely, but I figured people would be looking for him, so here ya go.
Ervin Santana – Will make season debut on Wednesday If you’re hoping for some magic, you’re thinking of the wrong Ervin. He’s an okay bet for a fantasy number four to five. That’s magic if you’ve ever read Wikihow’s “Separating Finger Trick” page.
Drew Butera – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer, which was an inside-the-park homer for a guy who has a negative 15 speed score. Butera once got down the line in 12.9 seconds, but it was only because his Uber arrived at the plate right as he was swinging. So, how did he hit an inside-the-park homer? I don’t know, let’s assume the 2nd baseman got a grounder and decided to do the hidden ball trick for ten minutes.
Brian Goodwin – Royals acquired him from the Nats. The Royals GM, Dayton Moore, in China, “No, we need it even smaller. C’mon, you are known for your craftsmanship.” An older Chinese woman looks up. Dayton corrects himself, “Craftspersonship.” The older Chinese woman nods, that’s better. An older Chinese man approaches. He could be anywhere from 55 years old to 98 years old. He speaks slowly to the GM, “We will have it ready for your Brian Goodwin trade, can we interest you in a back scratcher too?” Dayton smiles, “I’m fine, just the mic.” And that’s how the Royals bought the world’s smallest mic to drop after acquiring Brian Goodwin.