Frankie Says Relax Mariners! *does a wild dance breakdown* Don’t do it! You know you want to no-hit it! Relax, don’t do it! You know you want to no-hit it! *begins to pant from overexcitement and needs to sit down* That was the best bar mitzvah I ever attended. El oh el, Frankie Montas is an ace. Wanna call him Frankie Montace? Then do that! I. Don’t. Care. Yeah, I brought out the douchey one-word sentences. Sue me, all I have to my name is Gregg Jefferies rookie cards! Yesterday, Frankie Montas went 8 IP, 0 ER, 2 hits, 2 walks, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.21, carrying a no-hitter into the 8th. His big flashing light peripherals — 9.2 K/9, 2.2 BB/9, 3.10 xFIP — look great. Now can the A’s freakin’ trade him so he can get a win? Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Robbie Ray – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.07. Good news is: That line! The bad news: It was vs. the A’s and if they were in a normal park Ray would’ve gave up another homer to Ramon Laureano. The unrelated news: His pants are so tight that when Robbie Ray farts, you can see the air bubble travel down his leg.

Ty France – Will have an MRI on his wrist tomorrow. Was watching this game, and I thought he got Muncy’d at 1st base by Sheldon Neuse, but it turned out it was his wrist not his Muncy, but it looked equally bad. Then, on Neuse’s next at-bat, the A’s announcer said, “A little contact was made on Neuse’s last at-bat between him and Ty France.” And I remember why, outside of a few announcing teams, I don’t listen to games. A little?! Neuse almost took his wrist off! Ugh, this sucks, clearly. Very suspicious that EU in Neuse’s name. Could the EU annex France from his arm? Is that legal?!

Lenyn Sosa – Was called up by the White Sox. When the Jays face the White Sox, I will be carrying my hammer and sickle flag to the game, and when Vladimir Guerrero Jr. kicks dirt off his cleats before getting into the batter’s box, I will be screaming, “Quit your Stalin,” as I salute Lenyn Sosa with sign, “Down with Capitalism” sign. If anyone dares jeer me, Lenyn and I will turn their boos into bourgeoisie then crush them. Any hoo! Prospect Itch, just ranked Sosa in his top 75 fantasy baseball prospects, saying, “Lenyn Sosa is swinging too much, but it’s working as he enjoys the benefits of his developing physicality. He has almost as many home runs (14) as walks (21) in 62 games, but he’s only struck out 40 times (13.8%) which makes his challenge a particularly interesting one for batting-average leagues. His all-fields, heavy-contact approach plays especially well in the shift era. Grey would do well in the sh*t era.” Not cool at all! With Mendick diagnosed with a torn ACL — during Pride Month no less! — Sosa could see some starts at 2nd base, and worth a flyer in deeper mixed leagues, but La Russa is playing Josh Harrison, so prolly wait-and-see.

Dean Kremer – 5 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 1.71. A one-point-seven-one ERA?! What a fine-looking Jew! He’s got excellent command…don’t say it…don’t say it…don’t say it…don’t say it…he’s frugal with his pitches! Ugh, I said it. He’s got no strikeouts, and I wouldn’t even Streamonator with him, outside of AL-Only.

Adley Rutschman – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer. Is this weird, when Adley homers, Matt Wieters gets goose pimples?

Joe Musgrove – 6 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 2.12. Did you listen to the queen:

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Ranger Suarez – 7 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 4.23. I say last week some shizz like Ranger Suarez can’t be trusted to go more than 4 IP, then he goes into San Diego and faces one of the toughest teams in the majors and…this ess oh bee!

Kyle Schwarber – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 20th homer, and 2nd homer in the last two games. Okay, who’s going to hire the hypnotist to hypnotize Schwarber into thinking it’s June all year?

Dansby Swanson – 3-for-4, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 11th and 12th homer. Still, he will receive absolutely no respect in drafts ever. Zooms up to inside the 15 overall on the Player Rater? “Meh, who cares?” About as valuable as Mike Trout? “Okay, tell me something I should care about!” Above Tommy Edman? “Great, two guys I don’t care about! Talk to me about Oneil Cruz! That’s who I want to know about!”

Kyle Wright – 5 1/3 IP, 4ER, 11 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.18. Can’t tell you how much I don’t trust Wright at all. Mostly because of all other Braves’ starters who have wowed us before, and not him, but he’s starting to do his part to hurt my trust too.

Luis Gonzalez – Hit the IL with a back strain. It happened from carrying the entire 2001 Diamondbacks team.

Alex Wood – 1 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 5.05. Whatever you’re going to say after, “Wood,” the answer is, “No, I wouldn’t.” You can’t keep guys on your fantasy team that are performing this bad no matter how good their peripherals look. Unfortch, someone else might pick him up and get better stats from him, but I know you fashion yourself a craftsman, but the bench isn’t even a good even place for Wood.

Austin Slater – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer. “Eh, see, Slater!” That’s a Canadian Saved by the Bell fan.

Joc Pederson – 2-for-4 and his 16th homer, hitting .271, and his 2nd homer in the last three games. Is it time already again for him to hit 10 homers in 7 games? Blessed be thy wearer of pearls.

Willie Calhoun – Traded to the Giants to become the best hitter you’ve seen in roughly 275 at-bats, but awful if he sees 300 or more at-bats. Say what you want about Gabe Kapler’s tanned abs, and I’ve said plenty, but he knows how to get more out of players than just about anyone else. Going the other way was Steven Duggar, who will become the worst version of himself, because that’s what the Rangers do.

Nick Gordon – 1-for-3 and his 2nd homer. “Whaddup, Doctor Strange?” That’s Nick calling his brother.

Devin Smeltzer – 6 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.05. Smeltzer sounds like the point when people turned on Dr. Brown’s. “Cream soda was nasty, Celery soda was gross, but Smeltzer was the point when I needed to protest outside your factories.” Streamonator hates Smeltzer, and with good reason. Maybe we need a Sodastreamonator for him.

Caleb Thielbar – 2/3 IP, 0 ER, and his 1st save, ERA at 6.04. I wonder if Bocco Raldelli knows he has Jhoan Duran–Oh, Wait, Duran pitched a scoreless 1 1/3 IP from the 8th into the 9th, and was removed after only throwing 17 pitches. This closerousel shituation is Pagan or no one.

Zach Plesac – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.17. “Whaddup, cats and dogs! It yo’ boy, Zach! Just checking in to say I’ve started throwing slower this year, because gas prices are so high! I’m just messin’! Peace out!”

Willy Adames – 1-for-4 and his 15th homer, hitting .211. The average is kinda vomit by the dashboard lights, but the power is sweet, and his BABIP says he should be hitting about 30 points higher. Not all the way up to his usual .260, because he is hitting a lot of fly balls, but higher than where he is.

Tyrone Taylor – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 8th homer, and his 2nd homer in four games. Won’t be in this afternoon’s Buy column, but he could be a light schmotato.

Lars Nootbaar – 2-for-3 and his 2nd homer. You ever break up your Lars Nootbaar and sprinkle it into your bucket of popcorn? It is delightful.

Bryan Reynolds – 1-for-4 and his 12th homer. His April was a disaster, but, in retrospect, it was the outlier, and he’s doing exactly what you expect from him, around .300 and on pace for 22-25 homers.

Ke’Bryan Hayes – 1-for-5, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer. He scored the walk-off run, which I say mostly metaphorically because he seemed to hurt his shoulder on a slide into home. I worry that we’ve become too fantasy-focused and forget about guys like Ke’Bryan Hayes, who are better real world players. Then I cackle hysterically and mock myself endlessly until I make myself cry.

Michael Chavis – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer, hitting .255. He also hit the donk winner. The dinner! Hmm…The wonk! Uh…Will work on it!

Jose Quintana – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.60. About as easy as a matchup as he’s going find yesterday vs. Cubs at home, unless the Pirates play a split-squad game.

Jon Berti – 2-for-4, 1 run and two more steals (20, 21), hitting .286. After a 45-month trek through the European Union, he arrives in Transylvania with nothing but a stubborn mule as company. Jon Berti looks up at a castle with giant statue of Rajai Davis. “This must be the place.”

Jameson Taillon – 5 2/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 3.19. Regression Fairies will tell you about this cute little place for tea, and they will destroy your ratios!

Giancarlo Stanton – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 15th homer. In this game, Yordan Alvarez () hit his 22nd homer, and I kinda felt like something shifted in me moving my love from Giancarlo to Yordan. A subtle shift. Like three and half inches to the left.

Aaron Hicks – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer. When Aaron Hicks is beating you, yo, Astros, go get your shinebox.

Alex Bregman – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 9th homer, and his 2nd homer in as many games. He only needs to time travel back to 2020 and be good for the last two-plus years to be taken seriously. It could happen!

Framber Valdez – 6 IP, 3 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.90. You heard of No Limit Records? A pitcher going into Yankee Stadium is To Limit Records (of home runs by Judge and others).

Ryan Pressly – 1/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 4.26. A’la Shania Twain, “That don’t m’Pressly much.” That Pressly’s gonna leave an impression on peoples’ ratios for a while, though.

Tommy Pham – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 10th homer, hitting .253. This home run was for everyone who’s ever sent a threatening email to a leaguemate when they didn’t respond to your trade offer.

Hunter Greene – 5 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 5.66. He seems to have one extremely ugly blowup per month, and, honestly, that’s less than I expected from him. Really hard to roll that out consistently in shallower leagues, but then, if I drop him, and I see those Greene Ks, I will get envious.

Max Muncy – 3-for-4, 2 runs and his 5th homer. How homer-prone is Hunter Greene? He allowed a homer to a Muncy, who has one good arm.

Will Smith – 1-for-5 and his 10th homer, and 2nd homer in his last three games. Don’t call Will Smith a slap hitter. He’s a Hancock.

Clayton Kershaw – 6 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.00. Prolly put his over/under for the season at 75, which Sandy Koufax used to do between High Holidays, but Kershaw is about as pretty as he’s ever been, even if the sample is hella small.

Cody Bellinger – 3-for-4, 3 run, 3 RBIs  and a slam (9) and legs (9). Ya know how I know Bellinger’s truly become a lesser player? He’s been pretty terrible this year and I don’t hear anyone complaining. Expectations are nonexistent. Even for those homer, he needed a 3-0 count and a ball grooved from a pitcher who gives up more homers than anyone in a very homer-friendly park.

Freddie Freeman – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 8th homer, and 2nd homer in the last two games. Semien, Freeman and Olson are finally not getting moved around in my mind like Three-Shart Monte.