Jake Lamb hit the DL with a stress reaction in his foot. Now the Diamondbacks’ defense will go from Lamb to the slaughter with Yasmany Tomas taking over. Yasmany makes Sandoval look like a gazelle. Yasmany has the agility of an extra-wide trailer. Yasmany looks like the genie in Aladdin, which means the D-Backs’s 3rd base shituation was Lamb-or-Genie, which is also a northern Italian farmer’s lamb that he hung a car medallion around its neck and rides around to swap meets. I’d look at Yasmany in all leagues (yesterday, he went 2-for-3, 1 run with only one error!), because he does have power to spare — think 27-homer power — and he could surprise people with some regular playing time. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Prince Fielder – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 1st homer, and the first one since he posed naked. Now Verlander has no excuse.
Nick Martinez – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA up (!) to 0.45. I’m happy for him (I’m not), but I still wouldn’t own him in most mixed leagues. No Ks for Nick, and you have no argument for that.
Leonys Martin – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 3rd steal. If he was dropped in your league, I wish I were in your league. Oh, and grab him.
Chase Anderson – 7 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.00. His peripherals suggest a guy that isn’t pitching that far off from a 3 ERA and he has a 8 K/9 and a 2 BB/9, which is code for banana Runts. Hmm, that’s not the right code. I saw The Imitation Game and I got full of myself. It’s code for should be owned in most leagues.
Nolan Arenado – Sat out again with wrist soreness, but expects to return on Wednesday. I wish it were Wednesday. *intern whispers in my ear* It’s Wednesday? What a waste of a wish!
Corey Dickerson – Didn’t start yesterday, but told reporters that he felt like he could’ve played. Minor quibble here, but if you could play, by all means, Dickerson, be my guest!
Tyler Matzek – 5 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners (6 BBs), 3 Ks. Keep going with all those BBs and he will shoot his eye out.
Nick Hundley – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. Catcher questions start in 3, 2, 1…
Addison Russell – 0-for-5 as he hit ninth. If they were going to bat him there, they should’ve called up James Russell. Reality Check brought to you by Ivory Soap and Rudy Gamble. If you click on Russell’s name, you’ll see his rest of the season Steamer/Razzball projections. They’re, uh, conservative.
Starlin Castro – 3-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 2nd homer. With all the prospects around him, you know the 25-year-old Castro is feeling like an over-40 actress in Hollywood. Before the game, he went for Botox and to get his droopy eyelid lifted.
Welington Castillo – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer. Where’s the beouf?! I will continue to contend that getting Montero this offseason was the worst move Epstein has made.
Starling Marte – 2-for-3, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer, and 2nd in as many games. It’s Marte Gras!
Mark Melancon – 1 IP, 3 ER. Who’s next? Could it be IROC Caminero? How about Jared Hughes, who has been effective, but looked busted yesterday? Or maybe T. Wats–Tony Watson, who we shouldn’t abbreviate and who has a 4.00 ERA? I really have no idea who’s next in the pen. Caminero is the sexy choice, Watson is the obvious set-up man and Hughes has been the best. For now, Hurdle says it’s Melancon. Hurdle obviously doesn’t own Melancon on his fantasy team.
Christian Yelich – Scratched with lower back tightness and could need a DL stint. How does a twelve-year-old get lower back tightness? Was he spanked too hard?
Giancarlo Stanton – 2-for-4 and his 3rd homer. When he homers, am I the only one that sings a’la The Weeknd, “Giancarlo put in work, Giancarlo Giancarlo put in work, Giancarlo put in work, Giancarlo Giancarlo put in work?” Okay, maybe it’s just me.
Dan Haren – 6 IP, 4 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks vs. the Phils. Haren, just retire if you’re not gonna try. Seriously, go full-Burnett.
Freddy Galvis – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer, hitting .319. I actually picked him up in one deep league because he was hitting and hitting 2nd, but yesterday he was back to the 8-hole. 8-hole in the corner ball! Huh?
Ryan Howard – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. That comes out to $25 million per homer for the year. Still early, he’ll earn it.
Ben Revere – 1-for-3, 1 run, RBIs and his 4th steal. Revere’s back at the top of the lineup and the SAGNOF is coming, the SAGNOF is coming!
Carlos Carrasco – 5 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 8 Ks, but pulled early because the Indians want to ease him back. Not often pitchers look like they could strikeout 20 hitters in a game. Carrasco is not that guy. Carrasco is better than that guy. Carrasco is the kind of pitcher that makes it look surprising when a hitter doesn’t strikeout.
Carlos Santana – 1-for-3 and a slam (3) and legs (2). Without having to catch, Santana’s got Dyson legs.
Jose Abreu – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer. The Grande Dolor!
Adam Eaton – 2-for-4, run, hitting .176, but looks like he’s coming out of his early struggles. Definitely was dropped in some leagues, and definitely should be picked up in some.
Gio Gonzalez – 6 IP, 0 ER, 12 baserunners, 4 Ks vs. Lance Lynn 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 7 Ks. In a matchup billed as “Two Guys You Don’t Want On Your Fantasy Team Until They’re Actually On Your Team.”
Matt Holliday – 4-for-4, 1 RBI, hitting .425. Don’t worry, his back will start acting up around June and he’ll hit .200 for a month.
Kolten Wong – 3-for-4 and his 2nd steal. Baby steps, Wong, baby steps.
Joe Nathan – Will begin a rehab assignment today and could be back by the weekend. If you own Soria, you can only pray that Nathan’s ingredients (fragmented ligaments, lips and pitches like ass) catch up to him.
Kyle Lobstein – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.27. Fun fact! Lobstein is also an intimation lobster served in fine dining, kosher establishments. “Irving, do you have the crackers, this faux matzoh shell is tough to break?”
Anthony Gose – 2-for-4, hitting .406, hitting leadoff on top of the Tigers’ lineup. If you saw how many times people have asked to drop Gose in the comments, you’d think he was hitting .176. Oh…*pounds out a chicken cutlet, fills it with spinach and ricotta cheese, rolls it up, ties it with twine, bakes it on 450 for 18-22 minutes, pulls it out and breathes in the aroma* …kay. That’s the Chicken Florentine pause.
Nathan Eovaldi – 7 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks vs. the Tigers, ERA down to 3.12. Let’s talk economical! Yawn, can we not? Hush, Random Italicized Voice. Hush me? I’m you with slanted letters, you idiot! Eovaldi did those seven innings in 94 pitches and looked like he could’ve went another inning. As I said in my rankings, I wanted to write an Eovaldi sleeper post, just never got around to it. Why such intrigue? Doode throws 96 MPH regularly. Giddy up, Carlos Lee!
Stephen Drew – 2-for-4 and his 4th homer. Ugh, I picked him up for the batty call on Monday, a day too early. I blame, Siri. Or maybe that’s iBlame.
Krispie Young – 3-for-3 and his 4th homer. How is no one talking about The Curse of the Zombinos? That curse is being near their clubhouse when they pump music from when they were young. “A-Rod, is that Ricky Martin? Turn it up!”
Drew Smyly – Could rejoin the Rays rotation on Friday. I Googled Smyly, and found the Wikipedia page for smileys. The smiling yellow face is owned by a Frenchman and he made $167 million in 2012 from the smiling face trademark. Is it ironic that a Frenchman owns the smiling face since he’s probably too cool to smile? How has no one done a documentary about the owner of the smiling face? C’mon, NetFlix, get on this! For those interested, the smiley Wikipedia page still smaller than Carson Cistulli’s Wikipedia page.
Jake McGee – Felt sore and pushed his extended spring training assignment back a couple of days. He hopes to be back in the majors by early-May after clinching the extended spring training playoffs. Go Rays!
Chris Archer – 5 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA down to 1.07. Since I own him in a few leagues, I watched him yesterday. Slider was not just an out pitch as he used it, but it was a “You know it’s coming and you still won’t hit it” pitch. Not against a Lastros-type lineup either. It was more or less the Red Sox A lineup. Aside from wins, Archer looks like a number one.
Wade Miley – 5 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks. Be interesting to see how Boston honors him for his “That’s practically a perfect game for our pitching staff.” I could see them giving him the key to the city. If Schilling didn’t sell it on eBay to get Rhode Island out of hock.
Michael Saunders – Hopes to return on Friday. Now is the time to stash him. No, I don’t mean draw a mustache on his profile page pic. Well, that’s not gonna come off.
Dalton Pompey – 3-for-4, 3 runs, hitting .231, but in the last ten games he’s raised it from .111. Won’t ever hit for a great average, but could steal a ton of bases. Me likey Pompey.
Ryan Flaherty – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 1 RBI. Still hitting, still hot schmotatoing. Yes, I added schmotatoing to my browser dictionary. So?
Mike Moustakas – 3-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer. Could Mostsuckass be…Mustsuckless? Wait, that doesn’t sound good either.
Alex Gordon – 1-for-4 and a solo homer (1), hitting .222. He’s been terrifically awful on a club that is hitting everything. Someone’s gotta pick up the slackakas.
Josh Hamilton – Angels are ‘mapping out his comeback plan.’ This sounds like a Kevin Costner movie. Is Costner going to move in with him and keep him on the straight and narrow while tending to his black daughter? Is Costner going to have a screaming match with Hamilton in a heavy downpour until Hamilton breaks down and cries in his arms? Is Costner going to tuck him in at night? I have questions, y’all!
Hector Santiago – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 2.41. Ah, the wonders of small sample sizes. That’s what she said! Yeah, he’s not this good. Santiago is hot today, Chile tomorrow.
Johnny Giavotella – 2-for-3, 3 runs, 4 RBIs and his 1st homer. Fist pump!
Kole Calhoun – 4-for-5, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer, hitting .293. Or as Arte Moreno insists people call him, Kolé!
Drew Pomeranz – 5 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA up to 4.24. Brucely, I’m surprised Beane hasn’t become platooning corner men into the rotation.
Billy Butler – 2-for-4 and his 2nd homer. Butler said he loves hitting in Anaheim, because it sounds like And-a-ham.
Taijuan Walker – 5 1/3 P, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA down to 10.66 (could it have gone up?). This was against the Astros and Walker still had four walks to eight Ks, so it wasn’t hot butter on Kanye’s ego breaking the internet. I’d want to see Walker do it again against a normal opponent before trusting him.
Nori Aoki – 2-for-5, 1 RBI and his 4th steal, hitting .344. I’m crushing on Aoki so far this year. Wrap me in Nori and call me Maki!
Justin Maxwell – 2-for-3, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. Camera starts tight on a naked man and slowly works it’s way up and we see it’s Maxwell. Oh, Justin Maxwell. Meh, nothing to see here.
Tim Lincecum – 6 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks. Surprisingly, he didn’t seem a bit hungover on 4/21.
Curtis Granderson – 3-for-5, 4 RBIs, hitting .196 and in the leadoff spot. Since the Mets are challenging the Bulls 72-10 record, it will appear to Terry Collins that it makes sense to have a sub-.200 hitter batting first. Move up…Okay, maybe they don’t really have anyone else.
Scooter Gennett – Hit the DL after cutting his hand in the shower. Worst shower injury since Oz!
Elian Herrera – 2-for-5, 3 runs, 5 RBIs and his 1st homer as he took over for Scooter. Herrera is a 30-year-old career minor leaguer and he gets put in the two-hole while Gennett was in the weeds in the eight-hole? Oh, wait, that’s right, the Brewers lost their entire offense in the last four days. I thought maybe Elian was getting favoritism because he was the feel-good story of 2000. Well, feel-good until Elian was deported back to Cuba. Just think of all the great healthcare you got. Right, Michael Moore?
Mike Fiers – 4 IP, 4 ER and gave up grand slams in back-to-back innings. It’s actually happened before, but you don’t know the player because he blows. Hold on, it’s sucks. Not blows, because that would add more oxygen to Fiers. Stop, drop and roll your ass off my teams, Fiers.
Jason Marquis – 5 IP, 5 ER. Putting aside the Stream-o-Nator, Marquis de Shat’s outing yesterday and the Brewers ten runs scored, for the next few weeks “vs. the Brewers” is fantasy baseball’s Golden Ticket.
Jay Bruce – 1-for-4, 2 runs, 4 RBIs, a steal (2) and his 3rd homer, a grand slam. Usually Bruce and a grand slam is a Jersey housewife’s dream that involves Springsteen, Denny’s and soiled lingerie.
Todd Frazier – 2-for-4, 3 runs, 4 RBIs and his 4th homer, a grand slam. The Toddfather did you a favor, don’t forget it.
Joey Votto – 2-for-5, 3 runs and his 6th homer. Maybe finally he stopped worrying about getting out in front of pitches. It was almost homophobic how worried he was about pulling foul balls.
Zack Cozart – 3-for-5, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and the double slam (3, 4) and legs, and has hit four homers in the last four games. I added him before this game was even over. I said he was a hot schmotato yesterday. Today, I say what are you waiting for?
Devin Mesoraco – Has been out since April 11th, but pinch-hit yesterday. I’d love to ask Bryan Price if there’s any reason at all why the Reds didn’t just DL Devin two weeks ago, then send him on a rehab assignment? Bryan Price would probably just say, “Does this f******* benefit you to know?! How the f*** does this f********* benefit you? What the f***-f*******-f*** does this f****** f**** f********* and another f******* thing, f*** you in the face, you motherf******** f***. Actually, I’m removing my pants and going to jam your f******* fat f******** face in my beanbag. You f********* cow v******* that got f******* by a big f******** ox. Any more questions?”