Eugenio Is Out Of The Bottle

They say New Jersey can only be appreciated by people from New Jersey, which seems stupid. Where else can you get your ass beat over a sub while meeting the love of your life in a Wawa parking lot? Where else can you say you’re from New York when you’re from New Jersey? Where else can you win loose Newports in a boardwalk claw machine? Is there anywhere else you can simply lower the window to hide the smell of a fart? I think not!  Similarly, maybe you have to own Eugenio Suarez (3-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 43rd and 44th homer, hitting .269), to appreciate him, but I just dug in on him, and there’s some concerning stats for 2020. His HR/FB% is goofy high, even though he’s hitting the ball less hard and more in the air. That’s a recipe for a plummeting batting average, and the skyrocketing Ks won’t help. His exit velocity is that of Amed Rosario; his average feet per homer is Piscottish (totally a word) and not Soleresque. The ball dripping of juice could fix all of this, but Suarez looks a lot more like a 32-homer, .255 hitter vs. this new incarnation.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Anthony DeSclafani – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 4.06. The Streamonator loved this start, and I nearly streamed him, but, at the last minute, I dropped him, not confident enough to start him, while also hoping to drop him late enough so no one else could stream him. I’m a streamblock!

Alex Young – 8 IP, 2 hit, 1 walk, 12 Ks, ERA at 3.38. Alex Young woke up on Saturday morning, kissed his Labradoodle morning, made himself and his son French toast, taught the tyke how to ride a bicycle, then said, “I want Grey to write a sleeper post about me in 2020, so I’m going to throw goose eggs like Veruca Salt.” Or, I might’ve just mashed up Willy Wonka and Kramer vs. Kramer in my head. Young’s peripherals don’t jump off the page (7.8 K/9, 2.6 BB/9, 4.17 FIP), but not unusable either. Just not this good.

Michael Pineda – Banned for 60 games for PEDs. *MLB spinning around with a wooden stick, hits into Pineda, diuretics fall out* Kidding aside, most guys get 80 games, so whatever Pineda was taking, it was better than most PEDs and still twice as worse as domestic abuse, according to MLB.

Kyle Gibson – Will return from colitis on Wednesday to face the Nats, i.e., he’ll return from the runs to a different kind of runs.

Jake Odorizzi – 5 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 3.60 vs. Aaron Civale – 5 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 1.93. Am I imagining shizz or is pitching better in September? Just about all playoff spots are set — yay, parity! — and hitters seem checked out, right? Or am I having a fever dream?

Mitch Garver – 1-for-4 and his 29th homer. That’s in 82 games. Mr. Prorater, “Holy crap, Garver is on a near-60-homer pace.”

Francisco Lindor – 2-for-5 and a slam (29) and legs (21), hitting .298. Lindor has 29 homers in 524 ABs; Mitch Garver has 29 homers in 277 ABs. I will now cackle for 45 minutes alongside a deserted road.

Javier Baez – Diagnosed with a hairline fracture of his thumb and sounds done for the year. Damn, this sucks. *begins to sob quietly at first, then heaving sobs* Take my thumb, Javy, I don’t use it…Much! What, the occasion hitchhike when I want to tempt fate with a random encounter with a trucker. That’s all! Nothing significant like you!

Yu Darvish – 5 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.12. If all forearms were sore like Darvish’s, Dr. James Andrews wouldn’t have a smaller hot tub inside his hot tub.

Jon Lester – 5 1/3 IP, 8 ER, ERA at 4.51. Yesterday, there should’ve been a restraining order from Maddon going mo’ Lester.

Addison Russell – Left yesterday’s game after being hit on the head. Karma usually disguises itself a little better.

Tyler Glasnow – 2 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 2.15, as he was activated from the IL. Guess I was wrong to tell you to drop him four months ago. Turns out he can give you another random 10 IP across three games in September.

Austin Meadows – 2-for-4, 3 runs, and his 28th homer, hitting .288, and his 5th homer in the last eleven games. If you would’ve told me in March that Meadows would get 30 homers, I would’ve been tooting my own horn so much I never would’ve left my house.

Avisail Garcia – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 19th homer, hitting .276. Nearly streamed Avisail for the batty call yesterday but I went for Asdrubal Cabrera (4-for-5, 3 RBIs) instead, so I still won. Winning on a hitter pickup this year feels like winning an extra scratch-off ticket at 7-11. Four out of five chances here.

J.A. Happ – 6 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 5.10. He has a 0.00 ERA in September. Serious question: if Happ has a huge playoff run tagged onto a great September, are you interested next year? Yeah, me neither. Eff this bum!

Gio Urshela – 0-for-1, pinch-hitting, as he returned from the IL. The Yankees’ lineup is packed like a freshman’s luggage with doorknobs and socks — hey, they heard they’d need them — so I’m doubtful Gio will play every day.

Mike Tauchman – 2-for-2, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 13th homer, but left the game with a tight calf. Tauchman is tight, man, kapeesh?

Gleyber Torres – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 35th homer. Wonder if he’ll get to 40 homers *checks schedule for Yankees vs. Orioles* Hmm, he might not.

Renato Nunez – 1-for-4 and his 29th homer, hitting .251. Serious question: in 2020, Renato’s a 200 overall pick? 175? 225? I think I’m buying wherever it is (assuming one of those three is close to accurate, which I think they will be). To compare him to a guy I was bagging on earlier, Renato at 200 overall or Eugenio at 30?

Ronald Guzman – 3-for-5, 2 runs and his 9th homer. In the preseason, I said Guzman was my pick to hit 30+ homers after pick 500. Turns out I could’ve said literally any other player.

Rougned Odor – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 24th homer, hitting .204, and his 2nd homer in as many games. I wish Odor well (I don’t), but I can’t imagine ever owning him again coming out of a draft.

Nick Solak – 3-for-4, 1 run, 4 RBIs, hitting .328, and has been one of the hottest bats since his call-up. I recently grabbed him in a 15-team mixed league, and am opening myself up to him in a 12-team mixed league. So much growth from the Fantasy Master Lothario!

Mike Minor – 8 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.08. Due to his price in the preseason, Minor seems like one of those guys who’s going to be on a lot of winning fantasy teams. That’s major, Minor.

Caleb Smith – 6 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 4.11. I’ll admit to already writing Smith off for this year like you write off on your taxes change thrown into wishing wells. Now, if you wished for this Smith start, then way to take the metaphor to its conclusion. Streamonator loves his next start, and I would too if I wasn’t worried about innings catching up to him.

Starlin Castro – 2-for-4, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 18th homer, hitting .271, and five homers in the last ten games. You in March, “Was just checking Daniel Murphy’s September schedule and I’m moving him up a few rounds on my H2H draft boards.” You in September, “How can I get more Starlin Castros on my teams?”

Sandy Alcantara – 9 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 4.04. This was his 2nd complete game shutout of the season. You can cherrypick some pretty sweet stats from Alcantara, if you choose.  He has a 2.87 ERA in 119 IP, if you remove the month of April and July. Why am I removing those months? That’s how cherrypicking works! In April and July, he faced nine playoff-contending teams out of ten starts, so, even in hindsight, there was at least a halfway decent reason you shouldn’t have started him.

Robinson Cano – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 12th homer. Since he’s returned, Cano’s hitting .500 with two homers. Is he the sexiest pickup? No, that would be Ryan Klesko because of his sideburns, and will always be Ryan Klesko. How’sever, Cano is hot.

Wilson Ramos – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 14th homer. His MLB-long hitting streak died like Joe D. died clutching his coffee maker, his Monroe autographed pick and his hitting streak.

Scott Kingery – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and a slam (18) and legs (12), and about the 5th mention of him in my last six roundups. Yo, back of the room, Kingery’s hot as Fat Boy Fall, the season after Hot Girl Summer.

Jack Flaherty – 8 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 2.99. If you’d like to orgasm, look at Flaherty’s 2nd half numbers. By the way, did you know Hittertron‘s orgasm sounds like dial-up internet connecting?

Julio Teheran – 6 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.31. The motto of Burning Man is, “The best time to go is ten years ago.” The motto for Teheran, “The burning city of fantasy baseball, ignore the peripherals.” Admittedly, a bit clunky.

Mike Soroka – 6 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA 2.67, and three homers allowed. Don’t you dare regress now, Soroka.

Matt Joyce – 2-for-3 and his 7th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. He has to contend with our June/July boo, Austin Riley, for playing time, but Joyce could be a short-term schmotato.

Adam Eaton – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 13th homer, hitting .287. Also, homering was Sexy Dr. Pepper (1-for-4) hitting his 33rd and Yan Gomes (2-for-5) hitting his 8th and 9th homers. The Nats took deep Soroka and Sobotka, which sounds like someone drunk blurting out names at a bar trivia night focused on The Wire.

Danny Mendick – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 1st homer. Just reading his name is a microaggression. Please change it. Mend*ck went 17/19/.279 in Triple-A and has played the last three games, so there might be a hole for Mend*ck to play, and something here for AL-Only leagues.

Eric Lauer – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.41. If you scroll to the bottom of the Weekly Pitcher Planner, Lauer was a top 10 stream for the week.

Ramon Laureano – Returned from the IL and limped out of Saturday’s game with leg cramps. A’s are saying his cramps on Saturday were unrelated to his shin issue that had IL’d him, but they also said Laureano wouldn’t play every day as they rest him for the playoffs. Sounds like he’s going to be more limited than a McRib.

Sean Manaea – 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 0.75. Can I draft Manaea for 2020 right now?

Jesus Luzardo – Being called up. Or in Jesus’s case, he rises. Already gave you my Jesus Luzardo fantasy. With so little time left, is Luzardo better than Eric Lauer, to grab one random starter from this post? Meh, I don’t know. I’m not even sure if Luzardo is a starter or a middle reliever for this year. None of this means I don’t love him long-term, but I didn’t grab him in redraft leagues.

Julio Urias – 2 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 2.48. Dodgers are having as much luck stretching him out as a yoga teacher would have stretching you out.

Corey Seager – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 14th homer. Seager imitating James Cagney, “Top of the world, ma!” His mother, “You’re not even above Kyle.”

Johnny Cueto – Will return on Tuesday. His rehab numbers (21/1 K/BB, 3.38 ERA in 21 1/3 IP) have me looking at Cueto hard like I’m Jason LaRue, but, outside of NL-Only leagues, I’m…having…a…hard…time…finishing…this…sentence…and…picking…up…Cueto.

Framber Valdez – Astros are going to a 4-man rotation the rest of the way, but they’re going with a bullpen game on Wednesday. So, Framber’s in the bullpen and there’s a bullpen game on Wednesday…Hey, I don’t want to be Mr. Logic & Reasoning, but why not just start Framber on Wednesday?

Gerrit Cole – 8 IP, 1 ER, 1 hit, zero walks, 15 Ks, ERA at 2.73. 14 Ks or more in three straight starts in history: Cole and Pedro Martinez in 1999. “Shame he’s forgotten everything I taught him about pitching to contact,” commented Ray Searage. Gerrit Cole’s making a strong case to be the #1 starter off the board next year. Honestly, I’m not sure anyone else is even in the conversation.

Yordan Alvarez – 4-for-6, 1 run, 6 RBIs as the Astros scored 21 runs, which is more than my beloved Dolphins. To read about non-Dolphins news and actual fantasy football relevant material, click that linkamawhosie.

Mitch Haniger – Unlikely to return this season from a ruptured testicle. With adjusting one’s crotch a major part of baseball, it’s understandable. Haniger said, “I just hope to watch the ball drop in Times Square without a PTSD service animal by my side.”