ESPN’s 2017 Fantasy Baseball Rankings, Run Away Fast As You Can

Our 2017 Razzball Commenters Leagues are in full signup mode.  I even heard there were a few people from Anonymous that signed up!  They said, “To the world, I’m Anonymous, just another white man who sits in parking lots with binoculars watching women.”  Man, that Anonymous guy is depressing!  As we always do about this time, I eviscerate the haters and complicators!  I eviscerate the not-knowers and the over-knowers!  I eviscerate the ESPN goers and the garden hoers!  I overuse a word like eviscerate that I just learned!  I am the Fantasy Master Lothario (don’t abbreviate it) and I’ve come for your children!  See, because blog writing doesn’t pay so well, I’ve taken a second job as a bus driver, so I’m literally here for your kids.  Like a baller!  A shot caller!  An “I’m outside of Hot Topic at the maller!”  My eviscerating (I’m conjugating my new word!) today comes at the expense of ESPN and their 2017 fantasy baseball rankings.  To the tune of Kanye’s Runaway:

[Hook: Grey Albright]

And I always find, yeah, I always find something wrong
You been putting up with my shizz just way too long
I’m so gifted at finding what I don’t like the most
So I think it’s time for us to have a toast
Let’s have a toast for the “They said what the hells?”
Let’s have a toast for Klara Bells
Let’s have a toast for the one guy they bring on every year that never lasts
Every one of them that I know
Let’s have a toast for the Cockcrofts
That’ll never take work off
Baby, I got a plan
Run away fast as you can from ESPN rankings.

Joey Votto is ranked above Trea Turner.  I repeat, Joey Votto is ranked above Trea Turner.  I repeat what I just repeated while adding commentary, Votto is above Trea because ESPN doesn’t care about you.  Let’s remove me from the equation, E=Not Me.  Let’s set aside my dazzling intellect and break this down.  Steamer Projections have Turner down for 88/16/69/.301/40 in 590 ABs; they have Votto down for 88/23/79/.286/6 in 522 ABs.  Is this even close?  Apples/oranges, tomatoes/potatoes, 1st baseman/2nd baseman.  Sure.  I’ll give you that, but if Votto was a catcher he shouldn’t be ranked above Turner.  Well, Votto is more reliable, you say in the snottiest tone you can muster.  Yeah, reliable like his 1st half last year when he hit .252?  Reliable like in 2012 when he hit 14 homers?  Reliable like a 33-year-old?  You want younger players, not older ones.  Lots of data has proven players’ aging curves don’t peak in the 30’s, but rather their 20’s.  Buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-BUT!  Votto’s 2nd half last year!  Sure, and Turner’s 2nd half was bad?  Yeah, a’ight.  The ESPN ‘perts either have contempt for anyone that uses their rankings or they just don’t care, which could be construed as contempt.  I’m not even being hyperbolic when I say this.  They do not care about their readers.  They are like an ice cream store that only serves chocolate and vanilla.  Will everyone be happy?  No, of course not.  Will enough people be happy while they exert as little effort as possible?  Yes.  Why do they have Votto above Turner?  Because it is a more mainstream opinion, it’s the chocolate and vanilla of opinions.

[Verse 1: Grey Albright]

You can find pitchers in my rankings
I sent this girl a pitcher last year named Hendricks
I don’t know what it is with their rankings
But I’m not too good with that shizz
See, I could have me a good pitcher
And still be addicted to them waiver adds
And I just blame everything on ESPN
At least you know that’s what I’m good at

I just wanna tell you what I wrote last year.  It’s gonna be slightly upsetting, so you’ve been warned.  I ragged on ESPN for ranking Jose Fernandez after Keuchel, Kimbrel, Wade Davis, and Tulo.  And now I’m quietly weeping.  Why do people listen to ESPN?  I’m not joking.  I’m seriously asking.  THEY DON’T CARE ABOUT YOU!  Yahoo’s got its problems, but they show their work.  Here’s how ESPN thinks:  Players that are known commodities they rank high.  They rank to avoid the least amount of waves.  Keuchel just won the Cy Young, so they ranked him high.  It’s the path of least resistance.  When you go out on a limb, people can knock you off easier.  Without looking, wanna bet if Porcello is ranked in the top 75 at ESPN?  Okay, here’s a good one.  Porcello or Duffy?  I have Duffy first, who do you think ESPN has ranked first?  Yeah, they’re out on Ken Patera limbs with all of their rankings.

[Verse 2: Grey Albright]

24/7, 365, fantasy stays on my mind
I-I-I-I did it, all right, all right, I admit it
Now pick your next move, you could leave or live wit’ it
Andrew McCutchen still a motherf*cking top OF
Split and go where? Back to reading Cockcrofts’, haha
Knock it off, Freeman’s, a round off
Let’s talk over H2H playoff byes, Bautista still a top OF, huh
L.J. Hoes like vultures, wanna fly in your Puig loafers
You can’t blame ’em, they ain’t never seen Hisashi gophers
Every bag, every pitcher, every keeper team in the basement
Comes with a price tag, baby, face it
You should leave if you can’t accept the basics
Plenty sleepers in this balla matrix
Invisibly set, the fantasy thing is faceless
I’m just old, poor, and tasteless
G!

Most of my sleepers that I wrote about almost two months ago held true as I figured they would.  As I said back then, I have a pretty good idea who the big box sites will like.  I’m way up on Velasquez (sleeper), Blake Snell (sleeper), Kepler (sleeper), Buxton (sleeper, by the way, ESPN ranked Buxton after Michael Brantley; you can’t even make this up), Devon Travis (sleeper) and Robbie Ray (sleeper).  Go against people who use ESPN rankings and it’s gonna be magic — ta-dah!  Oops, wrong Kanye song.

Now on the less-Kanye tip, here’s a chart of the biggest values from ESPN to me (Thank you!) and the players that ESPN overrates (No thank you!):

THANK YOU

NO THANK YOU