Bundy Five Counts The Mariners

Surprised Dylan Bundy is breaking out, said no one because literally everyone said exactly that when he was traded to the Angels. Okay, maybe the O’s are surprised, but I have a feeling even they knew it was coming. They just like losing, right? “We like to be owned by the good teams.” That’s the O’s front office. Even the Pirates are like, “Damn, for Bundy, we would’ve traded you Tyler Glasnow, Austin Meadows and…well, we don’t have anyone else. You want Colin Moran?” So, Dylan Bundy was masterful yesterday, going 9 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 10 Ks, lowering his ERA to 2.08. He has changed his pitch mix in a dramatic way. Leaning way more on a slider and easing off his fastball, that has been become increasingly bleh in velocity. His command and Ks have been outstanding, but, I’ll be honest, I’m not 100% sold. Don’t get me wrong, I can be sold. I’m not saying it’s a mirage, go buy some more tigers, Steve Wynn. I’m just saying it’s 21 2/3 IP in three starts. Oh, I’d own him in 100% of leagues, but decreased velocity makes me want to see more. Promising vs. Promise Land. Me like vs. Me likey. Yummo vs. Gummo is a masterpiece. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Jo Adell – Getting a routine day off, because he had played two whole games in a row. Sigh. Adell will be in this afternoon’s Buy column, which has already been released to our Patreon. It’s five bucks a month. Ya know, the price of–Actually, there’s nothing that cheap.

Max Stassi – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 4th homer. “Hey, Mitch Garver, why are you wearing that East German military outfit?” Deep German accent, “I am going undercover as the Stassi.”

Shohei Ohtani – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 3rd homer, hitting .167, as he returned to the lineup. Ohstanis don’t want to hear from me, but this is best outcome for his owners. Just let him hit.

David Fletcher – 1-for-5, hitting .333. Maddon compared Fletcher to David Eckstein, calling him Fletchstein. If I may, D. Fleckster. Word up.

Taijuan Walker – 3 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 5.79. Start was made for Taijuan? Well, send it back.

Tyler Chatwood – 2 1/3 IP, 8 ER, ERA at 5.40. He went from Tyler the Creator to Tyler the Destroyer. The only way to get that ugly start out of people’s minds is to bring in Blair Underwood’s son.

Maikel Franco – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer. This is gonna sound like a crazy person talking, but I grabbed Maikel in a 12-team mixed league, and I’m not dropping him, and he’s in this afternoon’s Buy column.

Whit Merrifield – 2-for-4, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and a slam (4) and legs (2). WMs got it this year, folks. Check it: Wil Myers, Whit Merrifield, Wuis Mobert.

Nick Heath – 1-for-3 and his 2nd steal. Fun Fact! He’s been in a decades-long war against Nick Skor.

Brad Keller – 5 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 0.00. A. Tyler Chatwood. Q: What people will be saying about Brad Keller next week?

Christian Yelich – 1-for-2, 3 runs, and his 2nd homer, hitting .111. Broke out of a slump with a can of corn that Eloy Jimenez played into an inside-the-parker. Eloy, similar to Elroy, takes a circuitous route to fly balls like he’s in a hovercraft.

Leury Garcia – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .326. Look at what Jean Segura’s doing, and look again at what Leury Garcia is doing. C’mon, short season! LG! Leury Garcia! Let’s go! Flip phone!

Will Smith – Activated from IL. Unlike Will Smith’s marriage, the Braves’ bullpen isn’t an open competition.

Nick Markakis – 1-for-4 and his 1st homer, a walk-off jobber. Sparkakis!

Touki Toussaint – 6 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 4 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 6.08 vs. Nate Pearson – 5 IP, 3 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.70. This was a matchup of two guys who I’m uncomfortably excited about aside from results, and Streamonator projections.

Bo Bichette – 1-for-4 and his 1st homer. I could really use Bo Biscuit to get hot and start melting butter.

Jonathan Villar – 3-for-5, 2 RBIs and a slam (1) and legs (2), hitting .269. Yesterday, the Marlins’ pitching didn’t have it, but like every great club, the 1927 Marlins stepped up and found a way to win.

Renato Nunez – 2-for-4 and his 3rd and 4th homer, hitting .273. Got sick of telling you to pick him up, so I don’t think he’s in this afternoon’s Buy, but I would own him.

Chance Sisco – 2-for-3, and his 1st homer, hitting .455. Chance looking like a young Stassi, because in Communist Germany chance is one with predeterminism.

Zac Gallen – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.81. We need to start putting some respect on Gallen…*sees his next start is in Coors*…well, maybe after his next start.

Brandon Bielak – 5 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 1 K in his 1st major league start. Looks like a serviceable righty with decent everything, and nothing that really stands out. A lot of meh and not too much whoa. Sounds like the world’s saddest dating profile.

Ryan Pressly – 0 IP, 2 ER and the blown save, ERA at 40.50. After the game, Pressly donned his karate spandex suit and fielded Zoom reporter questions. He appeared all shook up. Ya’ll need to check out Andre Scrubb. Don’t let the name fool you! Dude’s kinda money. Blake Taylor might also be in the mix. Pressly should be out of the mix.

Jose Altuve – 3-for-4, 3 runs and a slam (3) and legs (2), hitting .192. Well, sure, he knew what pitches were coming before, now he knows what’s coming because it’s the opposite of what he’s not hearing is coming.

Alex Bregman – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .235. Bregman’s home run was off Crichton, and he just took a DNA test, turns out that was 100% a bad pitch, and .01% dinosaur DNA.

Miguel Andujar – Sent to the alternate training site. Why does it feel like Andujar accidentally agreed with Clint Frazier on something in front of management and is relegated to the same dog house, needing a trade to another club?

Jordan Montgomery – 4 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 5.59. JoMo more like JoMama. Crazy that a 91 MPH fastball hurler with barely three pitches was getting so much hype, which is what I say sarcastically, because he’s a Yankee so of course.

Gary Sanchez – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer, hitting .097. Maybe Gary Sanchez stopped wearing a mask to the plate that was covering his eyes.

J.T. Realmuto – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer. Back-to-back days with a homer for Jerry Tomato, but not back-to-back games, because they snuck in a 7-inning participation game in-between.

JT Brubaker – 3 IP, 3 ER in his 1st major league start. Saw some people in my leagues pick up this guy, and “it’s fine GIF with fire all around” came to mind. Hey, he could be all right, but 1st start pitching vs. the Twins. Good luck with that.

Gregory Polanco – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 1st homer. Quick rant: The Pirates are punting. Of course, they are. They’ve been punting for years. Whatever. My bone to pick with them is that they’re not even punting in an interesting way. Jose Osuna, Ke’Bryan Hayes, Cole Tucker, ONeil Cruz–Anyone worth developing! Play them if you’re punting! What are you getting from J.T. Riddle is exactly that, a freakin’ riddle! Jarrod Dyson, Phillip Evans, even Adam Frazier — why play any of these guys? They’re placeholders!

Jorge Polanco – 3-for-5, 1 run and his 1st steal, hitting .294. MIN-PIT yesterday was coming up all Polanco. Show some Price is Right Plinko on the scoreboard to fire up the cardboard fans.

Jake Odorizzi – Will make his season debut this Saturday. His injury was deemed as minor but he ended up missing almost a quarter of the season. Wait, a quarter of the season is only two weeks.

Kenta Maeda – 6 IP, 3 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.65. He Maeda’d into the 6th! What? No good? Okay. His one blemish was Polanco’s homer. No amount of Proactiv is helping there.

Miguel Sano – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .147. I could watch Sano’s dongs all day. He has multiple dongs. Three, to be exact.

Eddie Rosario – 1-for-2, 2 runs and his 3rd homer. Rosario averages a home run every 12 games for, like, five years and still gets no respect. He feels the type of player who gets to a World Series and the announcers sound like they’ve never heard of him and no one else has either. By the by, whenever an announcer says “Not too many people know this guy outside of (hometown city),” it means the announcer has never heard of that player.

Byron Buxton – 1-for-4 and his 1st homer, hitting .174, but he has three straight games getting a hit, so he might be coming out of his early-season funk. Or he might get hurt. One of the two is gonna happen.

Taylor Rogers – 1/3 IP, 2 ER and the blown save, ERA at 4.15. He lost it to the Pirates, but, I don’t know, something fishy about Mr. Rogers blowing a game in his old neighborhood, Pittsburgh.

Jose Ramirez – 3-for-5, 4 runs, 4 RBIs and his 3rd and 4th homer, hitting .308. Turning into a 1st half hitter. 1st half of August.

Carlos Carrasco – 6 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 4 walks, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.50. I don’t own Carrasco in any league. Had concerns about how he’d look this year after last. Obviously when he had an extra three months of rest, I had less concerns, but I will say it’s nice to see him doing well. Aw, Grey’s a big softie!

Yonny Chirinos – Hit the IL with triceps inflammation. Technical term is tricepsaurus.

Rougned Odor – Expected to avoid the IL. Um, good?

Anderson Tejeda – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and a slam (1) and legs (1) in his 1st career game and first game above High-A. I’m not saying there’s been upwards to fifteen-hundred Tejada infielders who have played MLB, but I’m not saying there hasn’t either. Tejada will likely return to the alternate camp. Does that stink? It will once Odor’s back.

Todd Frazier – 2-for-4 and his 2nd homer, hitting .289. “Check out this jerk!” That’s Adam Eaton. Frazier won’t be in this afternoon’s Buy column, because, bleh, but he has had a few two-hit games in a row, and might be a light schmotato.

Mike Minor – 5 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 6.89. He just hasn’t looked good. The preceding was a Minor note.

Mike Fiers – 6 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 5.63. This game of Fiers/Minor was what I’ve been saying to my wrongful termination lawyer since February!

Matt Olson – 1-for-3 and his 4th homer, and three in two games. And you people — yeah, you people! — were already losing faith (I was too). How dare you (and me)!

Charlie Blackmon – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer, hitting .396. Blackmon brushes hair off shoulder, turns to camera and hisses, “I am Chazz Noir.”

Trevor Story – 2-for-4 and his 5th homer, hitting .295. You know what’s weird? Well, not yet, but you will know after I tell you. I drafted Story in a few leagues in the 1st round, as I ranked him, and it didn’t feel great. Was kinda regretting it. Then I love him once the season starts. That feels like a recurring thing. A *pinkie to mouth* never-ending Story.

Tyler Anderson – 5 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 2.19 vs. Kyle Freeland – 6 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 2.41. Just your standard 2020 pitching duel in Coors. Nothing to see here, everything’s totally normal with the ball, and Manfred isn’t putting lead in it to make the games go quicker. No siree Bob.