Since Corey Kluber returned from the DL, he’s been lights out. Then lights on. Then off. On. Off! Nothing but glow sticks. The sweet smell of body odor, ganja and herbal ecstasy rises. An Asian man with pigtails walks by with a Red Bull and you see he’s wearing a diaper that reads “Change me.” And…the…music…DROPS! What? He is a Kluber. Yesterday, he went 9 IP, 0 ER, 3 hits, zero walks, 11 Ks, lowering his ERA to 3.58. Shin-Soo Choo-Choo, next stop 3.25! Kluber has had some great years, says Private Obvious. “You’ll never replace me!” says Captain Obvious. Kluber’s great years are looking up at this season’s peripherals thus far. He has his highest K/9 (11) and his best xFIP (2.98) since his Cy Young year, which happens to be the fifth best xFIP in the majors before Clayton Kershaw. I’d guess Kluber comes up short of his Cy Young season’s 2.44 ERA, but there’s little reason why he can’t be a top five starter for the rest of the season. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Michael Brantley – Hit the 10-day DL with an ankle sprain, after returning from paternity leave. Did he hurt his ankle while on paternity leave? “Baby, you’ve done enough, I’m going to let our baby feed off my calf.” Fifteen minutes later, “How do you get a baby to stop sucking on a calf? Or should I ask Google?” Fifteen minutes later, “Damn, I was shaking the baby off my calf and I sprained my ankle!”
Andrew Miller – Will close for the time being, which is a middle finger to all of Cody Allen’s owners. A middle finger provided by Yasiel Puig. Thanks, Yasiel!
Carlos Santana – 2-for-2, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 9th homer, hitting .225. We can’t be sure, but there’s reason to believe Carlos Santana didn’t retire at the end of last season. Mike just gave you his Carlos Santana fantasy along with the top 100 fantasy baseball hitters. Not clickbait at all!
Jason Kipnis – 2-for-3, 2 runs and his 8th homer, hitting .238. When it rains it pours for the Indians, perhaps they were dancing pre-game.
J.J. Hardy – Out for four to six weeks with a fractured wrist. I should’ve made some kind of parlay bet in March that Cozart and Hardy would be DL’d at the same time.
Dylan Bundy – 4 1/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA up to 3.72. The Regression Fairies wear one glove, singing Don’t Stop ‘Til You Get Enough with extra pizzazz and stank. Especially the stank.
Leury Garcia – Hit the 10-day DL with a sprained finger. No fear, the White Sox have Garcias to replace him. The White Sox commented, “We’ve got more Garcias than a handball court in Spanish Harlem.”
Jonathan Villar – Took swings and ran yesterday. I can’t wait for him to go to simulated games. It’ll be the moment when Villar meets VR.
Gerrit Cole – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.28. Way back in 2014 a 4.28 ERA was straight bullocks without the Sandra. In 2017, it’s “Ya know, he’s been decent enough.”
Andrew McCutchen – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 13th homer, hitting .260. He’s come on hard and fast of late. Whoa, could’ve saved that phrasing for my Semien blurb. I still wouldn’t trust McCutchen, but he’s hitting near-.375 in June. McJunechen? Apparently.
Ben Zobrist – His wrist MRI came back clean because he prayed real hard.
Willson Contreras – 1-for-4 and his 6th homer, and 2nd big game in a row. Hey, it’s not much, but when you look at his season-long numbers, it is much. Double talk by Grey Albright!
Yangervis Solarte – 2-for-4 and his 10th homer, and 4th homer in four games. Hot schmotato alert! Also, to add complementary evidence, I picked him up in a 12 team league.
Jose Pirela – 2-for-4 and his 3rd homer, hitting .354. I’ve been telling you to pick him up in NL-Only leagues, and I wouldn’t do much more than that yet. Or much more than that, yeti, if the Abominable Snowman is reading.
Jean Segura – Hopes to be back Wednesday or Thursday. If I may suggest something to the Mariners. Start a last minute All-Star Game campaign with someone singing A Tribe Called Quest, “I marked my ballot with Jean Segura. Gotta get him, gotta, gotta, get him.”
Mike Zunino – 2-for-3, 4 RBIs and his 8th and 9th homers, hitting .257. He’s having the year you were hoping to get from Gattis.
Asdrubal Cabrera – Due back on Friday. No rush, Asdrubal, “Everyone But Amed,” as the Mets call your replacement, is doing great.
Jose Reyes – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 5th and 6th homers. Also, in this game, Jay Bruce (1-for-3) hit his 19th homer, and Gavin Cecchini (1-for-3, 2 RBIs) hit his 1st. All of them took some scrub deep…*reading Dodgers pitcher’s name* Clayton Kerrrrr *trying to say the pitcher’s name* Kershhhhhhh… I feel like Fonzie trying to say sorry. His name is Kerrrrrr… I just don’t believe it. Clayton Kershaw allowed four homers to the Mets? Kerrrrrrrr… Nah, no way.
Zack Wheeler – 2 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 5.29, and 15 runs in the last 3 2/3 IP. The Mets said, “He’s fine,” and, when reporters asked who ‘he’ was, the Mets replied, “Everyone.”
Kenta Maeda – Sent back to the bullpen. *Maeda pulls ticket number at sandwich shop, looks at Rich Hill’s number* Oh, man, I’m never starting again.
Cody Bellinger – 3-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 20th and 21st homers. So, he’s going to break Bonds’ record in only five months. So what? No big dalbsiuq115– Damn, I almost typed that whole sentence with my drool.
Justin Turner – 4-for-4, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 4th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. Weird to say a guy with a .399 average is finally getting hot, but I think that’s what we have here.
Chris Taylor – 2-for-5 and a slam (9) and legs (8), hitting .303. I have a mixed league team where he’s been my most productive hitter for the last month. No foolsies.
Gleyber Torres – Tore his UCL on his non-throwing elbow, needs Tommy John surgery and will be sidelined about a year. A nerd somewhere, “But my dynasty team, Nomar Manuel Gleyber For The Undocumented, already lost Margot!”
A.J. Pollock – Left a rehab game with a tight quad. Pollock needs to do some core exercises for his lower half. They’re not called core exercises, are they? Well, excuse me, Tony Little!
Eduardo Rodriguez – Will face hitters this week and could be back around the All-Star break. Ah, that old trick. Coming back right before a break was one of my favorite tricks in high school. “Good to have you back in class, Mr. Albright, but we don’t have anything for you until after spring break,” Grey smiles, happy to stay ignorant. Wait, that’s me!
Jackie Bradley Jr. – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer. It’s been a lot of starting and stopping from JBJ this year like he’s a gas station pump you need to hold the entire time. Man, I hate those. You can’t seriously think I’m going to hold a pump for the entire tank to fill? I grew up in New Jersey. Pumping gas is illegal there!
Jason Hammel – 7 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.83. Four straight solid starts for Hammel, but I’d still lean on the Stream-o-Nator for whether or not to start him, and it doesn’t like his next start just as it doesn’t like being a third wheel, especially since it relies more on droid feet.
Eric Hosmer – 1-for-2, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer. Is he regressing back to his 17-homer self? Cause Valerie Cherish would tell you, “I don’t need to see that!”
Marcus Semien – Will begin a rehab assignment on Friday at High-A. Semien should fit right in with those up ‘n comers.
Jake Marisnick – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer, 2nd home run in the last two games, and third homer in his last four games, though that dates back to last Wednesday. Obviously a hot schmotato, but you need to make sure he’s in the lineup prior to each game. Right now, he’s mostly a platoon guy with Aoki.
Brad Peacock – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.82, and 18 Ks over his last 11 and a third innings. Peacock, your plumage makes me want to mate with a bird. If you’re in a league where Peacock is available, grab him for the Ks. You’ll make Grey very happy.
George Springer – 2-for-5 and his 20th homer, hitting .284. Nope, prolly won’t get to 40 homers, but he’s on pace for more.
Derek Fisher – Hit his 2nd homer but was optioned back to the minors. The Astros just have too many weapons right now. Maybe we see Fisher again if there’s an injury, or a largemouth bass.
Nomar Mazara – 1-for-4, 2 runs and his 9th homer, hitting .278. Mezuzah!
Matt Bush – 1 IP, 2 ER and his third blown save, ERA at 2.88. The Rangers this year is like someone said, “We gotta get back to those two World Series years,” and God was like, “Okay, blown saves it is!”
Justin Smoak – 3-for-4, 2 runs and his 20th homer, hitting .300. March You, “You skipped Miguel Cabrera in the 2nd round to draft Smoak?! Oh, man, I’m gonna enjoy playing against you in this money league!” June You, “How long until fantasy football?”
Jose Bautista – 1-for-4 and his 12th homer, hitting .225. I guess his OBP is fine, but this guy should be on the casino bus and he’s hitting third.
Tanner Roark – 2 2/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 4.88. I told you not to draft him. Now, I’m just asking, why didn’t you listen to that but are choosing to listen to this? It doesn’t track for me.
Anthony Rendon – Homered (13), but left the game with a neck injury. We are all hoping for your speedy return, or speedy trip to the DL so I can pick up your replacement. And they say fantasy numbs your feelings for players, pfft!
Enny Romero – 1 2/3 IP, 1 ER as he entered the 8th inning and lost the game for the Nats. Either Dusty forgot what inning it was, or there’s no sign in sight of him picking a closer. Honestly, I’d put it at 50/50 for either scenario. Romero is still his best reliever, as of now.
Bryce Harper – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 18th homer. He’s near the top of our Player Rater, which is where you expect him to be every other season.
Giancarlo Stanton – 3-for-5, 2 runs and a slam (18) and legs (1), hitting .283. There’s nothing sexier than a Giancarlo home run. Except, maybe, a Giancarlo home run where he trots around the bases with me in his arms while I eat chocolate-covered pretzels. Hey, it’s my dream sequence!
Justin Bour – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 18th homer, hitting .307. Elias Sports Bureau said there’s more players in the last three blurbs with 18 homers than ever in the history of baseball.
Steven Souza – 2-for-4 and his 14th homer, and 2nd game in a row with a homer, hitting .269. Not sure if he’s owned in few enough leagues to be a hot schmotato, but I would grab him if he’s out there.
Wilson Ramos – Hopes to be activated on Sunday. Since his knees usually hold up for days at a time, make sure you get him right back in your lineup. His active stretches often go like this, Ramos is activated, Ramos homers twice, Ramos tears his ACL.
Freddie Freeman – Played catch on Monday. I wonder if he just threw the ball up into the air and caught it himself like I used to when daddy didn’t have enough time for me. OH GOD WHY?!
Matt Adams – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer. I just want to highlight 2016 Grey for a moment when he (I) said repeatedly, why doesn’t Matheny just play Adams? And that’s me paraphrasing me!
R.A. Dickey – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.91. The law of averages say if you started Dickey, he would’ve been terrible. I might be confusing Murphy’s Law with the law of averages. I’m no narc, and I don’t know your fancy laws.
Johnny Cueto – 7 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.42. Halp and I talk about Cueto on today’s podcast that’s coming later…guess. C’mon, the answer is in the previous sentence.
Zack Cozart – Hit the DL with a strained quad and will be out until July. Oh, like Christians don’t! *intern whispers in my ear* Seems I made a grave mistake thinking I heard ‘Jew lie’ instead of the 7th month. I want to apologize to everyone I hurt with this insensitive remark. Sadly, Cozart seems to never get healthy once injured in-season. Last year, he got injured in August and never recovered. Year before, he was injured for the entire 2nd half of the year. Hopefully, he can return at some point in July– Still the month? Okay. Better be!
Jesse Winker – Was recalled by the Reds to act as bench depth. Prospector Ralph told me, “His name makes me think of some creep. Like a guy who peeps through keyholes.” I’m not sure where else you’re going to get crack analysis like this, but it won’t be on the light net! That’s the opposite of darknet, right? Winker has two homers in 60+ minor league games this year, and is really only good for OBP, if he even sees playing time, which is not guaranteed.
Scooter Gennett – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer, hitting .293, and hitting out of the two hole. For s’s and g’s, look at who you have at MI. Okay, now look at Scooter’s stats again. I didn’t say Simon Says!
Scott Schebler – 2-for-3 and his 19th homer, hitting .254. You know what kind of season he’s having, right? He’s going to hit 30 homers, and, next year, people are gonna be like, “You go ahead with your Nelson Cruzes (Cruii?) and I’ll draft Schebler 15 rounds later!” And then Schebler will be awful in April and you’ll rue that. Some major rues. Ruze?