Cole Gets His Jolly Rogers On The U.S.S. Mariner

Gerrit Cole‘s start yesterday — 9 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.78 — wasn’t the most impressive start.  *walks around, shaking people out of their slumber*  Hey, what’s going on, guys and five girl readers?  Was it the opening sentence?  Okay, so Gerrit Cole didn’t look as good as, say, Dylan Bundy over five innings.  Cole looked solid, salt-of-the-earth, lumberjack-shirt-for-a-tablecloth-middle-class-sturdy-as-oak-workman-like for nine innings.  By the way, you know what they call a hyena with lines instead of spots?  Hyphena.  Take it, Highlights, it’s yours.  Do we have to have starters that are all lordy-me-I’m-fainting-with-a-handkerchief-to-my-forehead filled with upside?  Well, I’d like it, and Cole prolly has it somewhere in there.  *knocks on Cole’s chest*  Is a near-9 K/9 in there still?  Hello?  Okay, I think it is, but it’s just not answering now.  Maybe it’s taking a nap from Cole’s less-than-stellar K-rate.  That’s been the story of his season, actually.  Great results for real baseball, but a little lacking on the flash (7.5 K/9).  He’s still throwing hard (95 MPH), maybe he fell asleep while Contact was on late-night TV and woke up deciding to throw to contact.  Not sure, but if I had to bet, I’d bet every day on a 25-year-old who throws 95 returning to his previous flashy Ks while maintaining his excellent ERA results.  But there’s nothing wrong with a lumberjack shirt for a tablecloth.  It’s Murica!  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Andrew McCutchen – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 15th homer.  I still have a few too many inches around my waist, so I know it’s not 2012 again.  Oh, yeah, look at that, McCutchen is batting .246.  Yeah, it’s not 2012.

Jordy Mercer – 3-for-5, 3 runs, 1 RBI, hitting .282.  He hit leadoff yesterday because C**nt Hurdle inexplicably benched Polanco after a four-hit night.  Yeah, I don’t get it either.

Starling Marte – 2-for-3, 1 run, 1 RBI and his 36th steal.  The entire league went on a walk from 1st to 2nd base, while Marte put on his Forrest Gump shoes and ran there.

Steven Brault – Will be called up to start vs. the Brewers.  His Triple-A numbers are scallops on the dynamite roll that my local sushi place makes, which is delicious, but his stuff is liable to give you imitation crabs.

James Paxton – 5 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.27.  I’m beginning to think Paxton should join Eovaldi for the fast pitch Home Run Derby.

Alex Dickerson – 1-for-4 and his 6th homer, and his 4th home run in as many games.  Damn, Cousin Sweatpants, you getting me all hot and bothered!  This all started with a batty call on Monday and now I’m talking about flying Dickerson to Acapulco and getting a room at the Renaissance where that producer from Survivor did in his wife that was featured on 48 Hours, but me and Dickerson won’t be negotiating a divorce followed by a contract killing…No!  We’ll be talking about this week in July when all was right in the world.  Or I’ll just give him Eskimo kisses on my fantasy team page.  Can you feel that?  I’m Eskimo kissing my browser window.

Adam Rosales – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer.  In related news, Adam Rosales’ own mother wouldn’t own Rosales for fantasy.  Though, in all fairness, Madam Rosales’ fantasy team is stacked.  Nice drafting!

Brett Wallace – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer.  Even when he homers, he makes me sad, because it always looks like he has his face pressed against the window, watching the love of his life leave him.

Jonathan Papelbon – Dusty Baker said yesterday it was too soon after a loss to consider removing Papelbon from the closer job.  This was said was at approximately 11:27 PM EST on Tuesday.  The next time Shawn Kelley comes into the game to close it, we will then have an exact time on how long it takes thoughts to travel around Dusty’s brain.

Trea Turner – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs, hitting .319.  Actually, we might have an answer to how long thoughts take to move around Dusty’s head.  When was it that Turner was first called up vs. when he became an everyday player?  Five weeks?

Stephen Strasburg – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.68 vs Carlos Carrasco – 6 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.45.  This could be a preview of the first game of the World Series, and somewhere Jim Belushi just cried, and it wasn’t because the According to Jim reunion was cancelled.

Daniel Murphy – 2-for-4 and his 20th homer, hitting .351.  I should’ve let Yo Gotti guide my fantasy drafting, because you know he’s down with the DM.

Tyler Naquin – 2-for-3, 1 RBI.  Not as bombastic recently with a home run every game, but he’s still hitting near-.400 in the last week.  Cust kayin’.

Ryan Madson – 1 IP, 1 ER and the save.  Bob Melvin said that he won’t remove Madson from the closer role, but if he were to remove him, he would use the one reliever who has actually been worse in John Axford.  So, he won’t change the closer, but if he does, it’ll be for a worse guy.  This logic doesn’t pass the mustard, stomps on a tomato and yells ketchup.

Coco Crisp – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer, and 2nd in as many games.  Crisp goes on these five to seven game stretches where he’s one of the hottest players in the game.  If you need a hot schmotato, I could see grabbing him.

Khris Davis – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 24th and 25th homer, hitting .256.  Speaking of hot, Davis must’ve heard people asking to drop him yesterday.  Oopsie.

Sean Manaea – 6 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 11 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 4.57.  He’s nothing but a mediOaker.  Maybe he can become more, but for now, that’s it.

Prince Fielder – Will undergo neck fusion surgery on Friday.  This is the same surgery that is performed with glue on a Pez dispenser.

Lucas Harrell – Rangers acquired him and Dario Alvarez for Travis Demeritte, who always has one strike against him.  Harrell wasn’t a great bet in the NL East, moving to the Rangers doesn’t help his value.  I’m actually more interested in Dario Alvarez, who’s been one of those middle relievers that no one knows and emerges as straight-fire like Kelvin Herrera.

Yu Darvish – 6 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.09.  Should’ve won the game too, but Orange is the New Black in middle relief effed me, when it’s supposed to be the other way around.

Yasmany Tomas – 2-for-5, 5 RBIs and two homers (16, 17).  Now four homers in four games.  I told you to pick him up the other day.  Today, I say, what are you waiting for?

Jonathan Villar – 1-for-1, then removed due to two costly errors.  Craig Counsell admonished him in the dugout, holding a microphone in a super awkward way, then they parted ways and Villar watched the rest of the game.  Apparently, Counsell has an Errors Category in his league.

Jimmy Nelson – 4 2/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 3.71.  Seems to be in this new breed of pitcher, who gets to around 3.40 ERA, then backpedals to 3.75, then slowly climbs back to 3.40 only to get knocked down again.

Giancarlo Stanton – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 22nd homer, hitting .245.  Only 28 more!  Okay, slightly unrealistic, but I think 18 more is realistic.  I’d take that (I’d take 10-13).

J.T. Realmuto – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 1 RBI, hitting .313.  He’s currently ranked tenth in the NL for batting average.  The top ten is a who’s who, as in, “Wait, who’s who in this top ten?  Wilson Ramos?  DJ LeMahieu?  Jean Segura?  Martin Prado?”

Don Kelly – 3-for-5, 1 RBI.  An LL Donkey sighting!

Marcell Ozuna – 3-for-5, 1 RBI, hitting .297.  OZUNA get blurb without hitting home run.  OZUNA happy as a pig in blanket.  OZUNA wrap himself in puff pastry and stick toothpick in his head.

Adam Conley – 6 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 11 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Can you guess his ERA within .15?  I’m gonna say no.  Not that I don’t believe in you like your father.  I do.  But Conley is only owned in 37% of leagues, so I’m guessing most of you don’t know his ERA is 3.38.  You know, top 30 in the major leagues.

Zach Eflin – 5 IP, 7 ER.  Eflin got the L, but it would be more fitting if he didn’t.

Cesar Hernandez – 3-for-4, 1 RBI as he leadoff.  Is it just me or do you want to spell his name Szczur Hernandez?  Meh, prolly just me.  In the last eight games, he’s hitting near-.350 with four steals.  Light schmotato alert?  Yeah, light.

Neil Walker – 3-for-3, 1 RBI.  I didn’t do any research for this, but I believe this was Walker’s first multi-hit game since April.

Logan Verrett – 7 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.12.  Since he joined the Mets’ rotation, he’s been better than who he replaced in Harvey.  If black is the absence of color, the previous sentence is the absence of an endorsement.

Yoenis Cespedes – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 22nd homer, hitting .297.  First home run from Yoenis since July 5th and only has seven homers since June 1st.  Actually, he’s been a prototypical 4020 hitter for the last two months, lacking many RBIs and runs.

Raul Mondesi – 2-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI.  Yeah, I’m hardcore peeping him on the cyclops tip.

Jason Hammel – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.23.  You shoot him down, but Hammel won’t fall, he’s titanium!  Sorry, that’s stuck in my head.  I need a brainwash.

Javier Baez – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer.  If he were traded anywhere, he’d be a two or five hole hitter and an All-Star next year.

Kris Bryant – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 26th homer, hitting .283.  Okay, we’re almost in August, who’s winning the NL MVP this year?  Bryant?  Is there anyone even in the conversation?  Rizzo?  Is there anyone in the conversation that is not a Cub?

Yasiel Puig – Remained out of the lineup, because he hasn’t done shizz in three years.  Fo’serious, Puig is the only guy I know that has two good months three years ago and still warrants news updates when he misses a game.  Ty Wigginton has done more in the last three years and he retired three years ago!

Brett Anderson – Cleared for a rehab start.  He’s also been cleared for a setback.

Brandon McCarthy – 4 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.39.  Sure, not the kind of start you want to see vs. the Rays at home, but bit of a FIPlash, and I’d try to hold him, though his next start isn’t good per the Stream-o-Nator.

Howie Kendrick – 2-for-3, hitting .275.  He’s hit in all but two games this month for a .370 average in the month of July.  He also has two homers this week.  So, ya know, he’s got hotness all over his schmotato.

Evan Longoria – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 23rd homer.  I just realized Longoria has more homers than Giancarlo.  World, you make no sense sometimes.

Matt Moore – 6 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners (4 BBs), 5 Ks, ERA at 4.08.  He has six straight Quality Starts.  If you trust him for his next start, you’re lying.

Nelson Cruz – Out with a sore foot.  If you’re having foot problems, I feel bad for you, son.  I got 99 problems but my foot ain’t one.  Which is also my favorite thing to say in a podiatrist’s waiting room.

Madison Bumgarner – 8 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 2.09.  He got the loss yesterday because wins are stupid like the last card hand in The Cincinnati Kid.  50-year-old references!

Dan Straily – 7 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.84.  It’s hard for me to even look at some of these guys that have ERAs below Chris Archer and David Price.  Just utter gut punches.  “Gut punches.”  Stop literal brain!

Jay Bruce – 1-for-4 and his 25th homer.  Okay, okay, we get it, you want to be traded, but running around the bases with packed luggage is just too much.

Carlos Gomez – Left yetserday’s game with a hamstring injury.  Whatever will we do?!  Oh, that’s right, it’s not 2014.

Lance McCullers – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 3.18.  I’m not dropping superlatives or other words I barely know, when I say McCullers can be a top 10 starter as soon as next year.

Colby Rasmus – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 12th homer.  Anyone who owned him in April thinking Rasmus was breaking out right there in front of our eyes, knows Rasmus gets smoking hot for stretches like a yoga instructor.

Freddie Freeman – 4-for-4, 1 run, 5 RBIs and a slam (18) and legs (4).  Up until yesterday, he had 7 RBIs in the whole month of July.  Sorry, I’m a downer.

Jeff Francoeur – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and a slam (6) and legs (2).  A Frenchy fly with frog legs!

Jon Gray – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.94.  Actually, bit surprised his ERA is barely under 4.00.  I thought it was around 3.50.  A lover of Gray?  Yes, you are, but enough about me.  Perhaps I think Gray’s been doing better because he has a 3.62 xFIP, 9 .4 K/9 and 2.9 BB/9.  It’s gonna be weird, but it’s also gonna be hard to not like Gray next year — Colorado or not.

Nick Hundley – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer, hitting .248.  Hundley has zero homers this year in Coors and is batting .244.  Hundley also puts his pants on one arm at a time.

David Dahl – 1-for-4 and his 1st home run.  Dickerson or Dahl?  Dahl or Naquin?  Dahl or Kepler?  *runs out screaming*  WHO DO YOU PICK UP?!

Dylan Bundy – 5 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 3 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.46.  Did I already mention FIPlash?  Confession, I write these blurbs out of order.  Only real system to the madness is players on the same team stay together.  I think I did mention FIPlash already, well, bee eye en gee oh, same deal with Bundy.  I’ve bought the cow and the milk with Bundy.  I watched him yesterday and I believe he has turned the corner.  I’m willing to pick him up in most mixed leagues.

Michael Fulmer – 7 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 2.50.  There was some discussion about benching Fulmer in Fenway yesterday.  His final line was exactly the kind of line that leaves you unsure if you made the right decision.  Almost eight innings of three runs?  Decent 3.50 ERA for the game.  Seven baserunners in 7+ IP?  That’s solid.  Three Ks?  Pretty meh.  No decision?  How fitting.

Justin Upton – 0-for-4, hitting .233.  For Justin Upton owners:  here’s our fantasy football rankings.

Eduardo Rodriguez – 5 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 12 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 6.51.  Xenu wouldn’t even own Ed-Rod right now.

Dustin Pedroia – 1-for-4 and his 11th homer, hitting .303.  Pedroia is just working his way up to his final season when he hits 30 HRs and .330.  Right, Papi?

Xander Bogaerts – 1-for-4 and his 12th homer.  Foreign debts, homeless Vets, AIDS, crack, Bogaerts and Mookie Betts, more Yasiel Puigs on the shores, Jose Reyes’ wife living under martial law, Yordano Ventura instigated wars, I can’t take it anymore!