Sign says, ‘Don’t stay away, fools,’ cause Cody Bellinger rules! No? Okay, go to sleep. “Go to sleep” is my new favorite thing I say that my Cougar can’t stand. She’s like, “Why are you excited?” Rather than saying, “I’m excited because Cody Bellinger was called up,” I say, “Go to sleep.” Is that bad? I feel like her reaction is like the step before divorce. “Baby, we’re good, go to sleep.” “It’s 4 o’clock on a Tuesday.” “Yeah, go to sleep.” And then we’re divorced. You know who isn’t divorced? Cody Bellinger! Okay, I’m talking crazy, but I’m excited, you get it. In 18 games of Triple-A, he was hitting .343 with five homers and seven steals. I will now cackle maniacally. Who is this guy, Justice Eric Ruth Thames but with speed? I can’t even. *puts handkerchief to forehead, and faints* Oh, thank you for catching me in my dream state, Giancarlo. This is funny (not funny), Bellinger had three homers last year in Triple-A. Guess how many games? Oh, three. Three games! I wanna project him over five months for 17 HRs, 20 SBs, and .280, but feel like that is too conservative, that’s how crazy I am for him. Yes, you should absolutely grab him. Where will he play when Pederson returns from the DL? Not sure, but worth grabbing him now to see how the Dodgers handle it. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Madison Bumgarner – Doesn’t need shoulder surgery. He also received a participation trophy from the BMX 3000, ages 12-30. Good week overall.
Ty Blach – 5 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 4.22. Bumgarner’s replacement — Bumblach? Sounds like a nudist’s suntan lotion. — is fine for NL-Only leagues, but I’d rely on Stream-o-Nator for Blach in mixed leagues.
Brandon Crawford – Might need a DL after leaving the game with a groin strain. Eduardo Nunez covered for him. At short, not at groin.
Gerrit Cole – 7 IP, 0 ER, 2 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.60. He’s totally trolling you now. You know that, right? You’re being trolled. “Ooh, tough matchup vs. the Cubs, yeah, I’m gonna bench Cole.” And now you’ve been trolled. It’s not trolling, it’s Coling. That’s what Gerrit does.
Kyle Hendricks – 6 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 4.50. I don’t buy that he’s suddenly back after his first three starts were less than spectacular. This is like 1999 Woodstock. Hendrix looked good, but it was on a Diamond Vision screen and he’s been gone for 25 years.
Pablo Sandoval – Hit the DL with a knee sprain. The fantasy baseballer (<–my mom’s term!) who once again drafted Sandoval this year, because of some dieting-slash-best shape of his life narrative that they believed is writing an autobiography called, “From Kung Fu Panda to FU Panda.”
David Price – Will face live hitters on Saturday. “So we brought our bats for nothing?” That’s the zombie hitters that were hoping to take some cuts.
Matt Carpenter – Suspended one game for bumping an ump. He didn’t appeal the ruling because what was the suspension going to be reduced to? He had to sit out innings four thru seven?
Michael Wacha – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.55. Next year, I’m just gonna have a tier of starters to draft called, “Cardinals starters, grab one.”
Roberto Osuna – 1 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 5.40. I don’t want to scream fire in the theater of Razzball, but Osuna has not looked right all year.
Aaron Sanchez – Threw a 30-pitch bullpen session as he works his way back from a blister. Sanchez said he felt fine, then Rich Hill tried to Facetime with him, and Sanchez refused the call while snickering to himself, “Sorry, no wifi.”
Rajai Davis – Hit the Disgraceful List. Aw, man, the King of SAGNOF has been so bad this year, I kinda thought he retired. Filling in for Rajai will be Jaff Decker, Matt Joyce, Adam Rosales, Josh Phegley–Holy Allah Mecca, what happened to the A’s team?
Kendall Graveman – Will start Thursday, reporting no discomfort after throwing a side session on Monday. That’s called a side sesh. It’s like a side piece but it doesn’t ask you why you can’t give her one weekend night. “Baby, I’m going to Six Flags on Saturday with my BM and the kids, you know that.”
Jesse Hahn – 8 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.08. The Regression Fairies were out in full force yesterday, but they obviously didn’t ‘talk to the Hahn.’ My guess is they will pay him a visit soon. His 6.9 K/9 and 3.1 BB/9 don’t coalesce as a 2.08 ERA pitcher, but more like one with a 4.00 ERA.
Santiago Casilla – 1 IP, 1 ER and his first blown save. Didn’t wanna be a naysayer, a total sayer of nay, but I’m surprised Casilla lasted this long looking decent. Let’s not forget the Giants wanted him gone for the last three years. Oh, and Doolittle isn’t that good either, but might have the inside track on the closer job now.
Mark Reynolds – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer. Legit, he’s my best hitter on a few of my teams. So, when you go back to preseason and you’re like, “Grey dog, look at my team, and tell me whatcha think of this ting — I’m Jamaican I say tings.” Like William Goldman once said about Hollywood, no one knows anything.
Anthony Rendon – 1-for-4, 1 run as the Nats scored 15 runs in Coors. I’d say ticker tease, but it’s been more like a ticker season for Rendon. C’mon, schmohawk, get your shizz together.
Koda Glover – 1 IP, 2 ER. With a ten-run lead in Coors, Dusty pitched Glover in the 7th inning. I’ll forgive a lot, but this is uneffinforgivable. Like a real snowflake, I’m about to start a petition at Move On dot org to fire Dusty.
Trea Turner – 4-for-6, 4 runs, 7 RBIs and his 1st homer, as he hit for the cycle. This is the 2nd cycle in Coors this year. Coors and cycles go together, and not because if you’re drinking Coors and riding a cycle it’s probably because you have at least two DUIs.
Paul Goldschmidt – 4-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 4th homer. Au Shizz!
Patrick Corbin – 7 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.10. Hey, I like him, but this was vs. the 1927 Padres. In 1927, Padres were not hitting, they were taking confession from Nucky Thompson.
Jabari Blash – 1-for-2 and his 1st homer. It’s like spring training all over again! With Jankowski on the DL, Blash will be seeing playing time for the next two weeks. I haven’t grabbed him in mixed leagues yet, but am looking to make a Blash in NL-Only leagues.
Jean Segura – 3-for-6, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer, as he was activated from the DL. Kevin from ESPN’s “Get Him In Your Lineup” Department said, “Been going around the office that I farted into the break room refrigerator then shut the door real fast for some poor unsuspecting dupe. This is fake news.”
Felix Hernandez – 2 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 4.73, and left with a dead arm. More votes for the Hall of Fame if F-Her plays another seven years or if he retires abruptly in June? Serious question. I’m going with abruptly in June.
Mitch Haniger – Diagnosed with a strained oblique. Oh, no, he’s got Mat Gamelitis. This is a disease that strikes prospects who are way past the point of breaking out, then, when they finally break out, they get injured repeatedly. There’s no cure. Haniger could be out for three to four weeks. Taylor Motter’s like, “Yo, I got this,” then Danny Valencia’s like, “You don’t need to play two positions, I’m here,” and everyone is like, “Danny who?”
Danny Valencia – 2-for-2, 2 runs and his 1st homer. Danny who again? So, Valencia will play while Haniger is out, and there might be something here if Valencia gets hot. Will Valencia be Awesometown? I doubt it.
Kyle Seager – Said his sore hip feels fine. He also said, “I’m not 80 years old.”
Alex Avila – 3-for-5, 3 runs and his 4th homer, hitting .407. Also, in this game, James McCann (2-for-5, 2 runs, 4 RBIs, hitting .178) hit his 5th homer. Tigers’ catchers 9 homers; Red Sox team 11 homers. Oh, screw you baseball and your goofy nonsense!
Justin Upton – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 4th homer, hitting .294. If this is his April, I feel bad for his owners in May and June. His bad always catches up to his good and vice versa.
Ian Kinsler – 4-for-5, 4 runs, 2 RBIs, hitting .262. The Tigers scored 19 runs last night, which seems excessive. Surprised Kinsler didn’t step in and tell the team it’s very Latino to emote with so many runs.
Jose Altuve – Collided with Teoscar Hernandez and that little man is packed tightly, because, damn, they hit hard and Altuve walked away under his own power. Low center of gravity meets normal-sized man, and normal-sized man leaves on a cart. Altuve doesn’t even have a concussion and says he’ll play today. Okay, Altuve is not a man, he is a sock filled with quarters.
Dallas Keuchel – 9 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 1.22. He really didn’t need to throw 117 pitches yesterday, but moving past that. If you didn’t see the previous blurb I had on Keuchel, I’m back in. We’re good. Him and I? We made up from his previous year disaster. I think of Keuchel as a top 25 starter again. Would I trade for him? Sure, but it’s hard to get a good deal on a pitcher that is throwing a 1-something ERA.
Michael Brantley – 1-for-4 and his 4th homer, hitting .306. Can’t totally argue with the results so far, but I’m less impressed with Brantley than maybe his stats so far deserve. I think he’s still a sneeze away from a strained oblique, and it’s allergy season.
Todd Frazier – 2-for-3, 3 runs, 3 RBIs, hitting .156. Yes, he’s been awful, but he’s also the type to get smoking hot, so now is not the time to be benching him.
Avisail Garcia – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 1 RBI, hitting .380. When you’re hot for a third straight week, you’re talking in sexy whispers on my earlobes.
Danny Duffy – 4 2/3 IP, 6 ER. Since my sell on Duffy, his ERA is one million.
Mike Moustakas – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 7th homer. “We have one legitimate power hitter in our lineup. Let’s hit him leadoff,” said no one ever with any common sense.
Zach Britton – Will start rehab assignment on Friday. Britton said, “I’m going bloody barmy and want to throw the bollocks out the cricket ball, Bob’s your uncle!” (All in a bad British accent.)
Wade Miley – 7 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.08. Here’s me 1st three weeks of the season, “I am not starting Amir Garrett, Wade Miley or Jhoulys Chacin on my NFBC team.” Here’s me this week, “I’ve wandered into the Blue Oyster Bar, drinks are cheap and The Regression Fairies just put a Selena Gomez song on the jukebox. Let’s dance!” Thankfully, Miley at least called me an Uber the next morning.
Erasmo Ramirez – Scratched from his start because of inclement weather. Erasmo can’t get wet? Hmm… Conspiracy Theory Alert! Erasmo is one of those pills you put into water that turns into a dinosaur. “Egads, it’s a Ramirasaurus!
Ervin Santana – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 0.77. How does he keep avoiding the Regression Fairies? It must be his pre-game ritual of Chuck Norris movies and talking about Fallout 3.
Kennys Vargas – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 1st homer. Only thing standing between him and playing time is Robbie Grossman, and, he’s, well, gross, man. Kennys, all of them, tend to get hot, so there might be something here.
Byron Buxton – 2-for-3, 1 run, 1 RBI, 2nd steal and no strikeouts! Oh em gee, a positive Buxton update! You better believe I’m cyclops’ing him.
Joey Gallo – 1-for-3 and his 7th homer, hitting .224. I’d get McDreamy-eyed on Gallo if he could hit maybe 25 points higher. I do like him though, because I’m a girl for the long ball. No offense to girls or old men with long balls.
Keon Broxton – 1-for-2, 2 runs, 2 BBs and 2 steals (4, 5), hitting .172. You gotta walk before you run. Literally and figuratively.
Hernan Perez – 3-for-3, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. And now the Brewers can’t sit Perez anymore. Here we go, Cousin Sweatpants, we got a hot schmotato.
Eric Thames – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer, hitting .371. Justice Eric Ruth Thames aka Jeru the Damaja aka King Kunta aka Beast Style aka Move Over Bonds On Baseball’s Rushmore aka I Sat Out Yesterday And My Well-Groomed Beard Hit That Home Run strikes again. The year is 1 AK, After Korea, and our Lord and Savior said, “Betwixt innings I bathe with a harem of exotic-looking women who are from Madison, Wisconsin, because I am Eric Thames. Goodnight.”
