Yesterday, the Cubs scored seventeen runs, so enough jibber-jabbering, let’s get to it! Starting this whole she bangs, she bangs, Oliver’s got bangs in the 2nd inning, Addison Russell (2-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs) hit his 5th homer as he continues to hit ninth. Joe Maddoning says he’s hitting Addison ninth to take pressure off him. McNulty would call that bunk. (By the by, tell me this doesn’t look like McNulty.) Isn’t there pressure just being in the major leagues? Did Addison not see how the Cubs pushed aside Javier Baez and Arismendy from year to year? Bunk! Chris Coghlan (2-for-3, 3 runs, hitting .251) needs to hit fifth? David Ross (1-for-5, 1 run) in any lineup should be hitting ninth. There’s absolutely no reason Russell should be that low. Move him up! Then Kyle Schwarber went 4-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs in his first major leagues start, and became only the third Cub in their history to have four hits in his first major league start. The other two were two guys you never heard of, which makes this record depressing. Thanks, Elias Sports Bureau! Oh, and there’s no pressure on Schwarber as he hits sixth? Okay, I’ll let it go. I pray to the deity of your choice that Schwarber gets four hits in every game until Sunday, Miguel Montero stays injured and Epstein says, “Okay, Schwarber schways. He schways! Stays, sorry, it’s hard to say anything normal after Schwarber.” Then (Yes, it keeps going!) Chris Denorfia went 2-for-5, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 1st homer, hitting .396. Put the microwave on defrost and stick in Ted Williams’s head! Never to be outdone (or overdue, as the case might be), Anthony Rizzo went 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 12th homer. Finally (I’m exhausted!), Kris Bryant (2-for-6, 4 RBIs and his 8th homer) as he grand salami’d in the ninth. You at a 2016 fantasy draft, “I need a Bryant.” *Smash* As a pie gets thrown in your face. Five over-the-internet dollars to be paid out in fake installments, if you get that reference. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Tsuyoshi Wada – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.68. Keep throwing like that and Tsuyoshi’s going to get three power-ups and reunite Mario and Luigi. I streamed him in one league, and what I’ve found with Wada is the Stream-o-Nator can’t figure him out. It likes a Wada start and you need to hang air freshener from your fantasy team. SON doesn’t like him, and he pitches solid.
Ervin Santana – Will make his first of three rehab starts this Saturday and rejoin the Twins on July 4th. Nothing says America like fireworks, hot dogs and baseball players returning from suspensions. I’m not rushing out to add Ervin. Not because he showed up on my wife’s Instagram, but because he’s not more than a streamer in most leagues and he could be severely behind in his preparation. It wouldn’t surprise me to see him rusty until late-July, early-August.
Tommy Milone – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners (zero walks), 5 Ks. Twins always manage to get these no Ks, no walks guys. It’s like Brad Radke was a poor college student 25 years ago that supported himself on sperm donations.
Lance Lynn – Aiming to return June 25th or 26th. Hey, bucko, only pitcher that should be aiming is Archer.
Carlos Martinez – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.80. Because I like to torture myself. On my fantasy team before I dropped him, C-Mart’s ERA was 4.89 with a 1.46 WHIP in 35 IP. Guess it was the next 170 innings I wanted. FMFBBL!
Wil Myers – Wil’ll miss eight weeks after having wrist surgery to remove a spur. Eastwood never needed spurs removed, you yellow belly! The Padres are saying Myers could be back mid-August. Yeah, and at that point, you’ll get about 8 runs, 2 homers and 6 RBIs in the rest of the season. Lowercase yay! If you need the room, I wouldn’t be worried about dropping him.
Will Middlebrooks – 1-for-3 and his 9th homer. I don’t even want to tell you what 3rd basemen he’s been better than this year. It’ll just be depressing.
Jesse Chavez – 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA at 2.52. Just because it’s fun to point and laugh at me. On my fantasy team, Chavez had two starts and a 3.75 ERA when I dropped him. Crazy thing is this is the RCL where I dropped C-Mart and Chavez and I’m in first and have 11 points in ERA with 3.16.
Billy Burns – 3-for-5, 3 runs as the A’s exploded for 16 runs, knocking seven in off of Cory Mazzoni for the Mazzacre. Mazzoni has now given up 12 runs in his last 1 2/3 IP. Looks like Vin Mazzaro’s Witness Protection isn’t going that well.
Billy Butler – 4-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 5th homer. I can only imagine how much fun it was for him to hit against Otis Spunkmeyer.
Ben Zobrist – 3-for-4, 3 runs, 3 RBIs. Still hot, still schmotato’ing.
Daniel Murphy – Due to return from the DL on Tuesday. When Puigs fly he’s going to return two days ago! *intern whispers in my ear* I’m told they mean next Tuesday.
Jon Niese – 7 IP, 3 ER, 11 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.31. Niese must’ve got the clue to pitch better after Gee was DFA’d. It’s not surprising, Niese is like a bloodhound with that schnoz.
Drew Hutchison – 5 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 5.33. Sadly, for now, that’s what I’d expect a good start to be from Hutchison. I mean, it’s okay, but nothing special.
Kevin Pillar – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer, hitting near-.350 in the last week, and has multiple hits in four of his last seven games. Hot schmotato, grab him!
Danny Valencia – 1-for-3 and his 3rd homer, and 2nd homer in the last three games. Valencia won’t be Awesometown forever, but he’s worth a little day trip.
Felix Hernandez – 8 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks. So I guess F-Her got that last start off his chest like an easy girl from high school that comes back from college all reformed like she wasn’t telling you at the movies to cut a hole in the bottom of the popcorn container. What? Too specific?
Madison Bumgarner – 8 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks. And that same girl has a tramp stamp of roses that had everyone calling her “Bum gardener.”
Corey Dickerson – Hit the DL again with the Tree Man disease, plantar fasciitis. I wouldn’t be surprised if he gets shut down for the year as he opts for surgery, hoping to get back healthy next year. Not even joking. If it doesn’t happen in July, it’ll definitely happen in August or September. They’re not going to risk him having this injury again next year. For his sake, you hope he does get the surgery now, otherwise he’s gonna have an animated red foot all next year with John Madden standing above him, screaming, “Tough-actin Tinactin!”
Jose Altuve – Left yesterday’s game with a flare up of his hamstring injury. The Astros said they’re not ready to send him to the DL. They might just invest in an oversized magnifying glass so they can get a proper MRI.
Carlos Correa – 3-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer as he bats 2nd. Thankfully, Correa didn’t believe the email that he received that read, “We want you to play for the Cardinals,” when the sender’s email was [email protected]
Chris Carter – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and 12th homer as he homered off John Axford (2/3 IP, 2 ER). Chris Carter loves hitting off Axford, saying he has a library of scouting reports he calls, The Ax Files.
Jake Marisnick – 1-for-4 and his 5th homer. Ride the Silver Bullet!
Paul Goldschmidt – 2-for-4 and his 19th homer. Au Shizz!
Welington Castillo – 2-for-4 and his 4th homer. Where’s the beouf?! No, that’s not as in Shia LaBoeuf. Is he still alive? Cust askin’.
Yasmany Tomas – 3-for-4, 1 RBI and his 4th steal. Who’s giving this guy 89 foot leads off first?
Chase Anderson – 6 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 2.84. That ERA isn’t just in home games or just games in Petco or just games on Wednesday. That’s his ERA.
Hector Santiago – 5 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 2.77. See what I said about Anderson. Or look one-eighth of an inch above.
Kole Calhoun – 2-for-4, 1 run as he hit in the two hole and not behind The Two Hole. The Sciosciapath finally ended the whole “Kole’s going to be our cleanup hitter” nonsense. If only Scioscia’s commitment was to an asylum.
Starling Marte – Left yesterday’s game with ankle pain. Is it because I was too excited about him yesterday? I’ll curtail my excitement, please!
Kevin Gausman – Will start on Saturday in Toronto. The Orioles really want to kill any confidence Gausman might have. First, they take him from the rotation to the bullpen. An idiotic move the Mets wouldn’t even do. Now they demote Wei-Yin Chen for a few days, just to get him off regular rest, a move that’s sure to mess with him, and they scramble Kevin Gausman in vain, sunk game.
Chris Parmelee – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 3rd homer as he hits third for an ailing Adam Jones. I feel like Ted McGinley licking a pie tin every time Parmelee steals cushy matchup at-bats from Jones. That’s my pie! Parmelee also hit two homers on Tuesday — two for Tuesday! — and looks to be starting over Delmon Young. Delmon blames the Jews.
Travis Snider – 1-for-4, 2 runs and his 2nd homer. The entire Orioles team is hot right now (or it’s due to facing the Phils pitching). I can’t make heads or tails of the Orioles outfield playing time when Jones is healthy.
Matt Wieters – 2-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI, hitting .355. That’s not a typo, but it should be redacted, because I shouldn’t even be calling attention to what a catcher is doing.
Ben Revere – and his 16th steal, and his 4th steal in four games. After the game, Revere added a special skills section to his LinkedIn profile. “Stealing bases,” “juggling,” and “being nice to the elderly,” then he pinged 29 GMs.
Freddy Galvis – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer. After the game, he tried to see if he could fit in Revere’s suitcase.
Kevin Correia – 5 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 1.69 thru two games. Well, that’s thru two games and smuggled over the demarcation zone for Correia.
Mike Fiers – 5 IP, 6 ER, ERA up to 4.50. Justin Masterson used to be the Passive Aggressive Starter, because he’d pitch well and then awful, but now Masterson is just awful and I think we have a new contender for the title. Fiers pitches well on my bench, so I make the bed for him to get back in and he makes like Spud from Trainspotting. His peripherals are so nice that I’d try to hold on, but I can understand patience starting to waiver. With waiver being the key word.
Alcides Escobar – 2-for-5, 1 run, 4 RBIs. That’s cool and all, but why isn’t he stealing bases anymore? He has 4 steals on the year. How is that even possible? Does he have the yips in his legs? Like how Chuck Knoblauch couldn’t throw to first, does Alcides look at second base and see a fondant cake, which reminds him of his mother leaving him in front of the TV watching Martha Stewart Living? I got questions, y’all!
Lorenzo Cain – 2-for-3, 1 run, 1 RBI. Thank you for staying hot; my firstborn for two more weeks of it.
Omar Infante – 2-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI, hitting at the Marla Gibbs Line. He hasn’t done much this year (or any year really), but he has multiple hits in three straight games, and looks like a slight schmotato.
Andrelton Simmons – Continues to sit out after taking a pitch off his fingers. The problem here is he usually heals injuries by touching his glowing finger to the injury, but if the finger’s the injured party, then it’s not as easy.
Freddie Freeman – 0-for-3. Will sit out Thursday with a wrist sprain. Could you read my giddiness as I typed that? I’m a bad person.
Cameron Maybin – 2-for-5, 1 run, 1 RBI and his 12th steal. Maybin, I’m amazed at the way I really need you.
Alex Wood – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.40 vs. the Red Sox. Usually I point out an opponent when they’re either very good or very bad, and ‘vs. Red Sox’ has gone from one extreme to the other in the last few months.
Mike Napoli – 1-for-3 and his 10th homer, hitting .204. Oh, Napoli, making me want to Punt Vecchio you.
Michael Pineda – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners (1 hit), 9 Ks, ERA at 3.54. The only hit he surrendered was a home run to the pre-teen Christian Yelich (1-for-3 and his 4th homer). Funny that an adolescent was excited to hit against Pineda. I wonder if Yelich was disappointed that no candy fell out.
Scott Van Slyke – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer, as he was activated from the DL and inserted into left field. Whew, thank God they don’t have to play that Guerrero fella anymore!
Clayton Kershaw – 6 IP, 4 ER, 6 baserunners, 10 Ks but lost the game to Wandy Rodriguez 5 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 11 baserunners, 1 K. Um, huh? Was it Kriss Kross Day at the stadium with them wearing their uniforms backwards?
Joey Gallo – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer. I’ll tell you what after this clunky opening to a sentence, Gallo looks like he could hit 40 homers next year.
Prince Fielder – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 11th homer. This was his first home run in two weeks since I told you to sell him. Yup.
Stephen Strasburg – Pitched well in his rehab start and should return next week. Anyone want to join me in a prayer hexagon?
Jordan Zimmermann – 7 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.75. Didn’t win this game, and it was against the Rays, so it could be argued that his start should’ve been better, but who are you, Thurgood Marshall arguing shizz? This was the best I’ve seen Zimmermann look all year. One walk and eight Ks makes it seem like old times, Charles Grodin.
Steven Souza – 3-for-4, 2 runs and his 13th homer. On our Player Rater, Souza is nearly a top 20 outfielder on the year. Trumbo isn’t even top 60. Oh, and yesterday, Souza bunted and came around to score on two errors for the Little League home run. Somebody buy that man an ice cream!
Miguel Cabrera – 1-for-5 and his 15th homer, hitting .345, his OBP is .446 and leads the AL in OBP. Guess who’s number two in the AL. I’ll give you three guesses. Dick Grayson? What? That’s Batman’s ward. Kipnis is number two at .408. Your guesses suck.
Jay Bruce – 5-for-6, 2 runs. The Garden State salutes you, Bruce.
Brayan Pena – 4-for-6, 1 run, 1 RBI. Okay, so if you accidentally drafted Brayan instead of Yan, you would’ve been better off, but, c’mon, no one can own Brayan with a straight face.
Todd Frazier – 2-for-6, 2 runs, 5 RBIs and his 21st and 22nd homers. Forget Frazier, his year is so insane, I’m calling him Crazier.