The Magic Genie of Fantasy Baseball says that if I put a baseball card of a player I own in a Dreamcatcher and put the Dreamcatcher under my pillow while I’m sleeping then *gulps* then the Magic Genie of Fantasy Baseball will come in the middle of the night and give my player a Quality Start. So…*bashfully looks down*..I put Chris Paddack‘s baseball card under my pillow and I’VE BEEN A GOOD BOY! Holy Hayzeus Lazarus and Pontius, Inventor of Pilates, I had a good start! Yesterday, Chris Paddack went 7 2/3 IP, 1 hit, 1 walk, 1 ER and 8 Ks, lowering his ERA to 2.70. Please throw 170 more innings this year! “Don’t be greedy,” interrupts Magic Genie of Fantasy Baseball. “Hey, Magic Genie of Fantasy Baseball, you sound like a spot remover.” “Just for that, I’m pushing Marquez back so he starts at Coors next! Muahahaha!” So, Paddack had a great start, which tacks onto his season of more-than-we-could’ve-hoped-for. He currently ranks 25th for xFIP; 23rd for K/9 and 13th for walk rate. And he’s in Petco for his home starts! Happy to be the Mohel at his Star Mitzvah. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Tyler O’Neill – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer, four of which have come in the last five games. How many A.J. Pollocks does it take to find a hot schmotato at a Mercado–beep, beep….beep…Greybot shutting down, overheating on hot schmotatoes.
Daniel Ponce de Leon – 3 2/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 2.80. More like the Fountain of Yuck!
Paul Goldschmidt – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 18th homer, hitting .251. Au Shizz!
Chris Archer – 6 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 5.36. Ha, pitching is so sad, that people are asking in the comments about how great Archer has been and can he continue it. A Quality Start should now be 5 IP, 4 ER. Who agrees? Raise your hands! I can’t see your hands, you blasted fools, this is the internet! So, Archer does have two straight Quality Starts. His peripherals do say he should be much better (10.5 K/9, 4.58 xFIP), but he couldn’t be worse and his 4.5 BB/9 is egregious.
Nomar Mazara – Rangers have discussed demoting him. Makes sense. Call him up three years prior to him being ready, let him struggle for three years, then, just as his confidence is at its lowest, demote him. Yup, perfectly logical.
Danny Santana – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 12th and 13th homer. As much as I’d hate to see Nomar get ducked around, Dannys Antana stands to gain major value in the scenario where Mazara is demoted.
Jarrod Dyson – 3-for-5 and his 6th homer. He left with a hamstring cramp, so his chase for the 1st player to weigh 145 lbs and hit ten home runs will have to wait.
Kevin Cron – 1-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 5th homer, in, like, 10 at-bats (50-something, but still). You know where Cron would be a 40-homer guy? On the Orioles. Why is it that all Crons hit homers and none can get playing time?
Jay Bruce – Hit the IL with oblique strain. Apparently, Bruce is no Stone Pony.
Mike Clevinger – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 12 Ks, ERA at 3.57. I know he’s been sidelined this year, but I had no idea how few IP he’s thrown. Any guesses? It’s just under 36 IP, if that helps.
Spencer Turnbull – 6 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.65. They say a great movie ends exactly as you expect but in a way you never expected. At least that’s what they told me in film school. I’d contend baseball is similarly gratifying. Turnbull should be a 4.50 ERA pitcher. He’s not now, he may not be tomorrow, but, at some point, he’ll get there.
Nicholas Castellanos – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 10th homer, hitting .283. It is remarkable how committed Castellanos is to being a line drive hitter. You have to actively try to hit so few homers in 2019, and The Greek God of Hard Contact is pulling it off. Kudos to him. That’s not praise, I’m giving him a Kudos bar because no one wants it.
Jason Vargas – 6 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.25. Time Traveler in March, “Grey, muy-chico, my hombre, draft Jason Vargas instead of every other pitcher you want to draft.” “What’s with the Spanglish? Is that a thing in the future?” “You’re focusing on the wrong thing.” “So, you won’t answer, interesting.”
Pete Alonso – 1-for-6, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 31st homer. Albombso!
Amed Rosario – 4-for-4, 4 runs, 3 RBIs and his 10th homer, and a double short of the cycle. Also, in this game, Eddie Rosario went 0-for-4, 1 RBI. If they want to get married, I’m fine with calling them Ameddie Rosario. Please notify the thought police.
Nelson Cruz – 1-for-4 and his 18th homer. If Cruz doesn’t get to 30 homers, I will eat all the plastic straws found in dolphins’ blowholes. Will discuss at later time about where to send them.
Mitch Garver – 2-for-3, 2 runs and his 15th homer. If you drafted Omar Narvaez, Mitch Garver and Christian Vazquez in a one catcher league, you’d be doing so much better than if you drafted Aaron Judge, Giancarlo and Paul Goldschmidt. *reenacts King Tommen falling out window*
Martin Perez – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.10. Would you say I’m M. Perez’d? Compared to the Nazi in Exile, I wanna have Perez’s babies, but he’s cooled off on my Scoville scale and I’m a Shishito pepper on him. Sometimes hot, sometimes not, depends on the Streamonator.
Christian Yelich – 1-for-4 and his 34th homer, hitting .331. It’s totally cool that the Brewers put their fences on Segways and move the fences in 20 feet every time Yelich bats, but at least cop to it!
Manny Pina – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 5th homer. Shouting, “If you like Manny Pinas, and making love in the rain!”
David Freese – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer. If Freese homered, that game must’ve had a playoff atmosphere.
Kenley Jansen – Wasn’t available last night due to his ankle, but Dave Roberts said he should be available today, Roberts also said he stole a base so everyone can have a free taco. Whatever that means.
Josh Donaldson – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 22nd homer, hitting .255. Wow, who would ever doubt this guy?
Chase Anderson – 5 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 3 walks, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.96. Streamonator never likes him, due to the lack of Ks, but I’ve liked Anderson for the past two years as a cheap, no nonsense, blabbity bleh at the back of rotations in deeper leagues. By the way, if you don’t know if your league is deep, it’s not.
Dallas Keuchel – 5 2/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 3.58. I’ve seen better Dallas performances from Charlene Tilton! Snap!
David Dahl – Left yesterday’s game after fouling a ball off his foot, and then his foot had juice on it but Manfred said, “Hey, look, a birdie!” and grabbed the ball and ran off the field. Rockies are saying Dahl’s day-to-day.
Trevor Story – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 22nd homer, and 2nd in as many games. If a guy hasn’t homered in two games in a row — do you even lift, bro? By the way, Ryan McMahon went 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and hit his 9th homer, but only his 2nd homer in four games. You don’t lift, bro.
Donovan Solano – 4-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer. Donovan rounded the bases, singing, “It’s the Season of the Pitch…heading over the fence.”
Mark Melancon – 1/3 IP, 0 ER and his 1st save. If you don’t think Melancon has at least a 50% chance of saves when Smith is traded, you haven’t followed Bochy’s career.
Eloy Jimenez – Hit the IL with a contusion of the UCL. I once had confusion on the campus of UCLA. Weird times! Either way, I have no idea when Eloy’s returning, I’d guess two to three weeks.
Adalberto Mondesi – Hit the IL with a subluxation of his shoulder. Sounds like when you don’t pay for the Happy Ending but get it anyway. “Now, I give you…subluxation…” “Ow, Nancy, please stop.” Sounds like a season-ending injury to me, but I haven’t heard a timetable.
Danny Duffy – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.52. I’ll be honest, it was hard for me to look at the Royals’ box score without Mondesi. Duffy was a Streamonator pick yesterday and–why, Mondesi, why?!
Teoscar Hernandez – 2-for-2, 3 runs, and his 10th and 11th homer, and three homers in two games and hot schmotato alert!
Lourdes Gurriel Jr. – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 17th homer, hitting .297. I wanna get invited to the Gurriel Family BBQ. Just, ya know, to be near greatness.
Rafael Devers – 3-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 18th homer. Devers is neither loose nor tight. Can’t fight the Devers! Can’t fight the Devers! Can’t fight the Devers!
Eduardo Rodriguez – 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.34. Been a while since I looked at him so…Velocity is down, not crazy though; K/9 is down, again not awful; walk rate is more manageable; ton more ground balls. Meh, been a while, but he’s still pretty much a 3.85-4.15 ERA pitcher with neutral luck.
Trey Mancini – 2-for-3, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 18th and 19th homer. I want his name to rhyme with fettuccini. Is it just me? Prolly.
George Springer – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 21st homer, and third homer in three days. Okay, that lifts, bro.
Jurickson Profar – 2-for-3, 3 runs, 4 RBIs and his 12th and 13th homer. You could say his two homers yesterday are a sign of good things to come, but Mark Canha (2-for-4) also hit two homers (14, 15), so good things for him too? How about Chad Pinder (1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 8th homer)? You just gonna leave Chad hanging?
Homer Bailey – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.69. As I mentioned on the podcast the other day, Choo-Choo Meth Gators! Also, Bailey is a MediaOAKer, who I’d use the Streamonator in home starts.
Mitch Haniger – Has been cleared to resume baseball activities. He needs to go easy though, because one important baseball activity is standing in the field and adjusting one’s crotch.
Cole Hamels – Tossed a bullpen session and is on track to return in the beginning of August, which is not short for Augustus Gloop; I was told, at least.
Kris Bryant – 2-for-3, 2 runs and his 20th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. “KB Toy…Story, giddy up, figurine played by Tim Allen!” Worst home run call of all-time.
Addison Russell – 1-for-3 and his 6th homer. “Russell hit that almost as hard as he hits–” Almost worst home run call of all-time.
Yu Darvish – 6 IP, 0 ER, 2 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.46. Well, he’s fixed! Pack up the truck, we need to move on to German Marquez. He’s in Argentina? We’ll get there in time for dinner. We can move fast because this is imaginary. Just grabbing two former aces who have struggled, Darvish is pitching better than Chris Archer, by a decent amount. When accounting for juiced balls, Darvish is pitching about as well as I’d expect, maybe he can do a half run lower on the ERA. Not bad, not the ace from six years ago.
Sonny Gray – 6 IP, 2 ER, 2 hits, zero walks, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.40. It sure was a good year to not draft any of my namesakes!
Raisel Iglesias – Hit the paternity list. Hoping when his baby is delivered he says, “Here is the Church, here is the steeple *motioning to open legs*, here comes some little people.”