Are the Tigers king of summer streaming offerings? Are the Tigers eating their young or are they eating whatever is thrown in the dumpster behind the Costco? Should fantasy baseballers be singing Here Kitty Kitty to young Tigers or is Carole Baskin robbing us of our Baseball Nut? Is an actual ice cream flavor at Baskin-Robbins called Baseball Nut and does it have chestnut cream? All of these questions are going through my mind on this lovely mid-August day as the Tigers promote Tarik Skubal and Casey Mize. Every MLB team should look at how the Tigers deal with prospects and emulate. The Tigers throw them to the fire and it’s grrrrrrrrr…hey, this is fun after 13 years of Spanish couldn’t teach me how to roll my R’s….rrrrreat! On Prospect Itch’s Tigers fantasy prospects, he has Mize 1st and Skubal 3rd, but that’s from January, which is like another year ago. I wrote a Casey Mize fantasy, which is from another year ago. Both of these guys could be aces, and worth picking up, but neither may go very deep into games this year. So, in redraft? Prolly look at streaming Mize and Skubal, in that order, due to how long either can go in games. In dynasty leagues, Skubal is flat-out sexy, but in a Glasnow-type way. Could he go 4 IP, 3 ER and 10 Ks? Yes. Will he go 6 IP, 2 ER, 4 Ks and get you a bunch of Quality Starts? I don’t know about that yet on Skubal, but that might be Mize. So, I think Mize over Skubal for this year? Yes, I welcome your Sir Mize. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Isaac Paredes – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs, as he was also called up by the Tigers. As I said in my Isaac Paredes fantasy from the shutdown, “Singing a’la Ethel Merman, ‘I……saac Paredes!’ You ever wonder if Ethel Merman was an actual merman, the fabled marine creature with the head and upper body of a man and the tail of a fish? Well, I do. It keeps me up at night, actually.” And that’s me quoting totally irrelevant information by me! You can go there and read the post. I like him, but in the short season, he needs at-bats. Does he have them? Then I like him. I like Willi Castro, if he has at-bats, nah’mean?

Nick Madrigal – Resumed all baseball activities. He better not be spitting!

Luis Robert – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 4th and 5th homer, hitting .286. Lou Bob excites my underneaths.

Tim Anderson – 2-for-5, and his 3rd and 4th homer, hitting .340, and roughly that across two seasons. Yoan Moncada (2-for-5 and his 5th homer) pissed off the BABIP Gods this year, but Tim Anderson is still bringing them myrrh.

Danny Mendick – 1-for-4 and his 1st homer. Fun fact! Mendick’s underwear fit like a glove.

Kyle Lewis – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer, hitting .345. I’m proud to announce I’ve named my boner, Kyle Luis Robert.

Evan White – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 3rd and 4th homers, hitting .139, and now three homers in the last three games. Hot schmotato? Sounds about White!

Kyle Seager – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and a slam (4) and legs (3). Also, in this game, Corey Seager (2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs) hit his 6th homer. Jody Seager, their mom, was so proud she Zoom’d in after the game, and asked them what they ate for dinner, did they have any sweet tea to drink, because they love sweet tea, and she put on their father to fart.

Mookie Betts – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer, hitting .319. *wavy lines signifying a flashback* “Mookie Betts is out of Fenway? No thank you! Also, it’s February, and I don’t want to invest in your stupid mask company!”

Ross Stripling – 3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 5.61. Him being in the rotation has botulism. Wouldn’t shock me if he’s moved back to the ‘pen and Gonsolin becomes the 5th starter vs. the 6th.

Tommy Pham – Broke his hamate bone and now he will return in two weeks with the power of thousand Gods. “You will now be a slugger on par with Hammerin’ Hank and myself.” That’s Matt Olson wearing a flowing white robe. So, this isn’t great news in a 60-game season, and you can prolly lose Pham. “Damn. I mean, ma’am, I whispered carelessly…Wham!” Easy B. Fire, now’s not the time for your dope raps. Sex toy manufacturer and manager, Tingler, said Josh Naylor (1-for-3, 2 runs, 1 RBI) would see time, and I imagine Ty France (1-for-4, 1 run), Jorge Mateo and Edward Olivares too.

Kirby Yates – Went for a 2nd opinion to Dr. Keith Meister, who said, “The Yatesmeister…The Yates Motel…Makin’ MRI copies,” and Yates needs season-ending surgery.

Zach Davies – 5 IP, 3 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.25. Can’t hate on the results, but Streamonator wouldn’t touch Davies, and neither would I.

Fernando Tatis Jr. – 2-for-5, 7 RBIs and his 10th and 11th homer, hitting .305. FTJ! Fun the Jewels! Sorry, can’t help but laugh thinking about all the people not wanting to draft him where I ranked him in the preseason. Seriously, rest of season:  Tatis, Trout, Story, Yelich or no?

Carlos Martinez – Has been cleared to resume workouts. He returns from the Covid-IL, while never saying he had Covid. Good stuff, MLB, very secretive!

Andrew Miller – 1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 2.45, and 2nd straight Cards save. As pointed out here yesterday, grab the guy actually getting saves, and not the guy not getting saves.

Brad Miller – 2-for-2, 3 RBIs and his 1st and 2nd homer, and he went 1-for-3, 2 RBIs in the day game, driving in the winning runs. As I keep saying, I want all Cardinals bats because they will be playing more than anyone. Yes, even Brad Miller. No, this isn’t 2016.

Max Schrock – 1-for-2 and his 1st homer. Trivia Time! Max Schrock is not the name of a Beastie Boy. Thank you for joining us for Trivia Time!

Alex Reyes – 1 IP, 0 ER, as he started the 2nd game of the DH, and, c’mon, the Cards are supposed to play another fifty games like this? They have no starters who can go more than 3 IP. This is so stupid. At one point, the Cardinals were throwing your standard four-pitcher no-hitter, which was popularized during 3rd grade lunch when “Everyone gets a chance” ruled the day, but that ended as you thought it would.

Jeremy Jeffress – 1 IP, 0 ER, and his 2nd save. This isn’t as clearcut as I made it sound in the Andrew Miller blurb, because it was a doubleheader and Wick had thrown in the 1st game (though, he blew it). Hard to say who is the closer in Chee-kah-go, but it’s prolly some form of a time share. Speaking of which, for $50 in casino chips, I can give you a tour of this lovely timeshare in Myrtle Beach, interested?

Robert Gsellman – 1 2/3 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 7.71 vs. Jordan Yamamoto – 1 1/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 11.42. *one by one, pitchers who are unwilling to throw more than 2 IP stand up* “No, I am Cardinacus. No, I am Cardinacus. No, I am Cardinacus.”

Pete Alonso – 3-for-3, and his 4th and 5th homer, hitting .241. Al…bomb…so! Please get hotter than the sun.

Robinson Cano – 3-for-4, 3 runs, 4 RBIs and his 3rd and 4th homer, hitting .412. Do I love Cano truly, madly, deeply? Not even as much as Savage Garden, but he’s hot.

Jonathan Villar – 2-for-5, 2 runs, and his 2nd homer. He’s doing everything you could hope early on. Co-leading league in steals after playing about eight less games than most teams, or five more than the Cardinals, depending on whether you’re more proficient in subtraction or addition.

Brandon Bielak – 6 IP, 1 ER, 1 hit, 4 walks, 4 Ks, ERA at 1.69. Sorta been the way the starts have fell, but I grabbed Bielak a few outings ago and he’s been exactly that since: A go. For what it’s Werth, Streamonator loved his last few, but doesn’t like his next, but finding two-start starters who actually throw 5+ IP has been next-to-impossible.

Trevor Story – 1-for-3 and his 7th homer. On the Player Rater, it’s been FTJ then about five guys, including Story, vying for 2nd place. For Story to have a happy ending, it’s gonna take Trout to cool off nine months and two weeks from his happy ending.

Mike Trout – 1-for-4 and his 10th homer. Literally have never heard of this guy before.

Tommy La Stella – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer. I picked up La Stella for the batty call yesterday; I plan on holding him until he cools off, and I don’t make missteaks.

Brandon Belt – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. I saw that he homered on Sunday, and I almost mentioned it, but he’s so gee-dee boring, but I guess hot schmotato.

Trevor Gott – 1/3 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 14.73. Has now given up 11 runs in the last 1 1/3 IP. I saw Rogers come into the game in the 7th and I was like, “Ah, smart, Kapler’s surprised me, he’s using Tony Watson for the 9th,” then Watson came in for the 8th and I was like, “Ah, smart, Kapler’s not.” What kind of brain-worms does Kapler have to keep going to Gott? I get it, Kapler likes to say, “Welcome back, Gotter,” but c’mon.

Robbie Grossman – 2-for-4 and his 4th homer, hitting .300. Grossman being a top 100 player this year is so fitting it makes me feel gross, man.

Zac Gallen – 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.40. We gotta ask frequent contributor, Coolwhip, to verify, but I believe Gallen has had more starts of 3 runs or less to start his career than anyone in history.

David Peralta – 3-for-5, 2 runs and his 2nd homer, hitting .337. I giggled a little when I saw he only had two homers, because I like him so much I thought it was more. Whatevs, I still like him!

Randal Grichuk – 2-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 3rd homer, and 2nd in as many games. I spent about 300 words telling you why to pick up Grichuk yesterday. Don’t make me go back there!

Cavan Biggio – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 6th homer. Ooh, he’s gonna get a tongue lashing from his pops for hitting a home run instead of letting the ball hit him.

Hyun-Jin Ryu – 6 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners (zero walks), 3 Ks, ERA at 3.46. Speaking completely anecdotally, Ryu feels like a guy who will be throwing quality innings until he’s 40.

Luke Voit – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and two homers (6, 7), hitting .281. Voit loves playing well in only 60 games; this is now a fact.

Aaron Hicks – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer, hitting .236, and leadoff. Average and power (and RBIs and runs and steals and anything) haven’t been there, but he’s in a great place to succeed, and worth at least a cyclops’ing.

Thairo Estrada – 1-for-4 and his 1st homer. *Gio Urshela licking whipped cream out of an Omega Pi pie tin* That’s supposed to be my home run!

Aroldis Chapman – 1 IP, 1 ER as he was activated from the IL. Kevin from ESPN’s “Get Him In Your Lineup” Department said, “It’s easier than writing my name on it, so I coughed on my own tuna fish sandwich so no one else would eat it.”

Hunter Dozier – 1-for-3 and a slam (2) and legs (1), and 2nd homer in as many games. Maybe he can have a word with the guy I always confuse him for, Christian Walker.

Salvador Perez – Lifted from yesterday’s start with blurred vision that’s now bothered him two days in a row. Maybe a bug landed on his contact. That tricked me once into thinking I was having a seizure.

Nelson Cruz – 2-for-3 and his 7th and 8th homer. Someone’s going to shake Cruz awake from a nap when he’s sitting in the dugout during his 65th year in the league, at the ripe age of 90, and he’s going to slide a tennis-ball covered walker to the plate and homer.

Luis Garcia – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 1st career homer. He’s the 1st player to homer who was born in the 2000s, which I guess makes him younger than Juan Soto, which I didn’t think was possible. Garcia looks like a more speed than power, solid contact middle infielder, but since he’s so young, I’m gonna guess he can grow into more power. This year? NL-Only for now.

Asdrubal Cabrera – 2-for-4 and his 5th homer. On our Player Rater, Asdrubal is a top 10 2nd baseman. I’m going to take a nap. *five seconds later claps hands* I’m back! What did I miss?

Trea Turner – 1-for-4, 1 run and his 1st steal, hitting .288. I think he stole a base, but all I’m going on is the box score. Anyone have eyes on this that can confirm? I do not believe.

Juan Soto – 1-for-4 and his 7th homer, hitting .409. Every time I see Sexy Dr. Pepper, I scream, “Michelle Pfeiffer,” then do a split like Bruno Mars.

Daniel Hudson – 2/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 7.88. D-Hud better hope for a moratorium on evictions.

Ronald Acuña Jr.Braves are saying it’s unlikely Acuña will return after ten days. This is your daily reminder 2020 is the worst year ever.

Touki Toussaint – 3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 7.97. Gonna go out on a 150-year-old oak limb and say Touki isn’t startable.

Dansby Swanson – 3-for-6, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .298, as he hits leadoff. Acuña who?! The best player in baseball–Random Italicized Voice, I was speaking metaphorically. ‘Acuña who’ isn’t a metaphor. It’s barely a thought. Screw you, RIV!

Oscar Mercado – Optioned to the alternate site. I had high apple-pie-in-the-sky hopes for Mercado this year, but an ant can’t lift a rubber tree plant and Mercado can’t hit MLB pitching, apparently. The writing was on the wall back in March when Mercado was hitting at the bottom of the order, but, honestly, I was choosing not to read the tea leaves, leaving me steeped in stupid.

Mike Clevinger – Being reported that the Indians might keep Clevinger and Plesac down to keep them for an extra year of service time. Yeah, no dur. Thought I had mentioned this last week, maybe it was in the comments, but, of course, the Indians are messing with Plesac and Clevinger’s service time. If they keep them down another couple of weeks, they can’t get free agency for another full year. MLB teams *handshake emoji* manipulating service time. Always. Mean’s while, Plesac is doing all he can, and held a press conference to say, “I’d like to read a prepared statement from myself and Mike Clevinger,” Zach Plesac cleared his throat, “We are extremely sorry for 216-65–Bro, you wrote that girl’s number over our apology letter!”