Carlos Correa hit the IL with a fractured rib, and will be out three to four weeks. He suffered the injury from a massage. Kinda makes you respect Bob Kraft more. Correa, “That isn’t the bone I want yanked!” Masseuse, “That is called The Bulgarian Tickler.” You’d think a Correa’n could handle an Oriental massage. Or maybe we should be asking which Cardinals exec was working undercover as a masseuse? This is why I just sit in a Brookstone chair for 45 minutes or until a store employee asks me to leave. When Correa is picked 120-ish in 2020, he’s gonna be a bargain! The Astros said to replace Correa and the already injured, Aledmys Diaz, they will go with Jack Mayfield and Myles Straw. More like Jack Junefield! Amiright?! I need a nap. *shuts eyes for five seconds, claps hands* I’m back! Mayfield’s tearing shizz up in the minors (10 HRs, .938 OPS), but the Prospectonator is meh on him. As for Myles Straw, aka the Straw that stirs the Myles, looks like he has blazing speed and might hit .220 with no playing time. As a dolphin might sing at karoake, “STRAW! What is it good for? Absolutely nothing!” Now bring up Kyle Tucker aka Crush Hour! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Wade Miley – 7 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at…Guess. Go ahead. You know he’s not a great pitcher and everyone’s ERAs are awful this year, so guess Miley’s ERA. C’mon, guess, you cowards! It’s 3.25. Zoinks. About the same as Kyle Hendricks (8 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.09), who’s been *checks notes* great. Great is .16 of an ERA better than Miley, to be exact.
Kris Bryant – 1-for-4 and his 13th homer. Apizzarently, I shouldn’t have benched him this week. Sonavabench!
Kyle Schwarber – 1-for-3 and his 10th homer, 2nd homer in two games, and 4th homer in the last week. That’s four times this week Joe Buck had to scream at his mom that it was just dried glue on their hand towel.
Dinelson Lamet – Began a rehab assignment at Lake Elsinore, which was in the House of Gryffindor. Will see how long it takes Dinelson to get the wax off.
Chris Paddack – 5 IP, 4 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 homers allowed, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.40. Yo, Regression Fairies, you need to take your rainbow cape and get the hell away from Paddack!
James Paxton – 4 IP, 0 ER, 0 hits, 2 walks, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.81, as he was activated from the IL. Kevin from ESPN’s “Get Him In Your Lineup” Department said, “I’ve removed the three baby pools around my desk so you can’t demote me.”
DJ LeMahieu – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 5th homer, as he hit the bomb to leadoff the game, because I don’t hate him enough and he had to do that to Paddack. Eat a D, DJ!
Gio Urshela – 1-for-4 and his 3rd homer, hitting .331. Once Didi returns, Urshela could be in for playing time squeezing. Similar to my dream food court storefront, Urshela ‘n Juice. It’s Orange Julius but the squeezers are dressed like Bond Girls. Any investors?
Mitch Moreland – Hit the IL with a lower back strain. More like Mitch Soreman! *dodgers tomato* Hey, cmon! More like Mitch Ibuprofen! *dodgers head of cabbage* Okay, fine!
Mookie Betts – 2-for-5, and his 9th homer. Mookie Best!
Jackie Bradley Jr. – 3-for-4, 2 runs and his 4th homer, and, like, his 12th homer since I started telling you to pick him up last week. If I had arrow emojis, I’d point up on JBJ and down on Chavis, which is likely how their lineup placement is going to be moving soon.
Andrew Benintendi – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 6th homer, hitting .260. If you’re selling Benintendi, a .300 hitter, when he’s hitting .260, you’re doing this thing the wrong way.
Jose Ramirez – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs, hitting .209. Whoa, we’ve hit a major Buy portion of this roundup. As I said on Wednesday, you want Jo-Ram not hitting home runs, but getting on base. I was totally against him in the preseason, as you know, but I never thought he was a .200 hitter.
Carlos Santana – 3-for-4, 4 runs, 5 RBIs and his 10th homer, hitting .284. This was a record day for Carlos Santana. Only without any studio musicians around him wearing bandanas to cover their baldness.
Brandon Belt – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and a slam (8) and legs (2), hitting .230. Wonder if Belt ever dreams of playing in a hitter’s park. What do Belts dream about? Prolly not being just below Sandoval. Of course, what we know from eight years of a Belt career, he will now hit another home run or three until going ice cold for six weeks.
Jorge Alfaro – 4-for-4, 1 run, hitting .278. Hand to God, I thought if Alfaro ever had four hits in a game it would be four homers. I didn’t know he did singles.
Jose Leclerc – 1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 5.24, as he started yesterday’s game. Great news for saves if you’re in one of those Benjamin Button leagues. Those in Button leagues will be sad to know Shawn Kelley (1 IP, 0 ER) opened the game, and those pesky scorers gave him his 6th save.
J.P. Crawford – Hit the IL with an ankle sprain. The universe corrected itself because Tim Beckham (1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer) should’ve never lost his job. I know what the universe needs, I am an Earth Mother.
Mallex Smith – 2-for-4, 1 run, 2 RBIs and his 13th steal, hitting leadoff again. He should be at 100% owned. Not because he’s anything special, but at least one team in every league must need steals.
Roenis Elias – 2/3 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 4.15, as he entered the 8th inning of what would’ve been a save opportunity before he mucked it up. Honestly, I’m not sure speculating on M’s saves is worth it. I guess, if twisting my arm, I’d say Brandon Brennan, and, no, I didn’t make up that name.
Jorge Soler – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 13th homer, hitting .245. Looks to finally be shaking the BSOHL tag, while actually being BSOHL and losing his tickets to Lilith Ur-Merely-Fair.
Yoan Moncada – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer, hitting .277. Everyone wants to mock their overlord (me), but Moncada since my sell last month has not been pretty. Having a month of 4 HRs and .240 in May, which is super pedestrian, if, ya know, he walked.
Anthony DeSclafani – 5 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 4.97. DeSclafani is unintentionally, yet appropriately written like Drunk SpongeBob.
Jordan Lyles – Played catch yesterday. Ray Searage held a boombox over his head and played Cat’s in the Cradle. It was a heartwarming scene.
Josh Bell – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 18th homer, hitting .345. Lost in the sauce (gravy?) of Bellinger and Yelich, Bell’s been a solid top three guy overall on our Player Rater. What’s crazy (to me), you could’ve easily drafted the top 5 guys in one league (Bellinger, Yelich, Bell, Springer and Mondesi). Springer, Mondesi and Bellinger might’ve been tight, but doable.
Genesis Cabrera – 3 2/3 IP, 3 ER as he was recalled from Triple-A, taking Wacha’s rotation spot, i.e., Cardinals are upgrading from Atari’s Pac-Man to Sega. Reports are saying Genesis woke yesterday in a puddle of sweat next to a puppet of Ronald Reagan in a Land of Confusion. Makes sense that the Cards skipped over Poncedeleon, who has performed well, and went to Cabrera because he had a 6.35 ERA in Triple-A. I’m using “makes sense” wrong here, aren’t I?
Bryce Harper – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 10th homer, hitting .243. Such a Bryce move to beat up on a barely Triple-A pitcher.
Andrew McCutchen – 1-for-1, 4 runs, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer, hitting .261 (.385 OBP). As Rudy told me yesterday, McCutchen is trying to get him a 16 in OBP and runs out of 15 teams in Tout, where he’s won two times in a row, and leading the field once again.
Scott Kingery – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .344. I told you to pick up Kingery yesterday. You didn’t listen? Aw shucks.
Juan Soto – 2-for-4, 4 runs, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer, hitting .291. Please get hot, Soto, like the “Mythbusters girl blowing foam off a liter of soda that’s been exposed to multiple Mentos” hot.
Howie Kendrick – 2-for-3, 4 RBIs, hitting .328. Kendrick keeps hitting just to make me feel bad. I believe this to be true.
Matt Adams – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 5th homer, hitting .259. Shut up, Inner Monologue! “I didn’t say anything.” I know you wanted to say, ‘You should’ve drafted Adams instead of Ryan Zimmerman in all those leagues.’ “Well, you kinda should’ve.”
Anibal Sanchez – 6 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 1 walk, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.47. Nats jumped out to a huge early lead and the USS Anibal cruised out to the Ivictory Coast, cashing in a coupon for a free night at the W. Streamonator loves his next start if you’re considering it.
Austin Riley – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs, and his 7th homer, hitting .375. If I forget next March, can someone remind me that I don’t want Riley in 2020, but want him in every league again in 2021. Juan Soto, Bellinger and Acuña nah’mean.
Pete Alonso – 3-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 18th and 19th homer, hitting .264. Not so fast, Luke Voit! Alonso is now tied with Mark McGwire for most home runs by a rookie before June 1st. When they each set the record, they were balding. Alonso’s looks like genetics though.
Daniel Mengden – 4 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.05. Something I don’t mention much, but should now there’s more Openers and Middlers, our Relievonator nailed Mengden and Smyly’s Middler spots yesterday. It is behind a paywall (free 3-day trial though, if you want).
Marcus Semien – 2-for-6, 2 runs and his 7th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. Hot schmotato alert! Wait, I usually reserve hot schmotato alerts for guys under 50% owned. Hmm, Semien might’ve made me jump the gun.
Mark Canha – 2-for-4 and his 9th homer, and 5th homer in eleven games. Mark Canhaz schmotatoes.
Matt Olson – 1-for-4 and his 7th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games and he’s only played in 22 games. Ya know, like, a homer every three games. That’s downright La Stella-ish!
Griffin Canning – 6 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.06. Prolly should just own Canning at this point, but, for what it’s Werth, the Streamonator doesn’t love his next start, and I wouldn’t trust him there either.
Cesar Puello – 3-for-6, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 1st homer, in his 1st start of the year, because Trout was sidelined with a sore foot. Fun fact! Cesar Puello is a Latino Chicken Caesar, which the menu describes as, “It tastes like cumin is all over it vs. looks like c*m is all over it.”