When Jaime Garcia was a kicker in high school for his Flick Football team, he lined up the paper football, just left of the finger uprights across from him, adjusting for the southwesterly wind coming from a student’s handheld fan. Like it was happening in slow motion, he flicked hard, the paper sailed through, poking the kid’s eye that was holding the finger uprights. Unfortunately, Garcia also pulled a finger tendon and had to watch from the sidelines the rest of the year as his team marched to the playoffs. Ever since then, he’s never been able to shake the injury bug, and yesterday he hit the DL with a shoulder injury. Unfortunately for the rest of us, the Fantasy Baseball Overlord’s hunger for ruining pitchers’ arms didn’t stop at Garcia, and Michael Wacha is out with a shoulder injury too. Wacha, Wacha, f**ka! Wacha has a stress reaction on his shoulder, and the Cards are saying no surgery is required, but his fantasy owners may still want to make a Kenesaw Mountain Landis out of Doritos and pray to it. The good news, Carlos Martinez will now be in the rotation for at least another month. He went 5 IP, 3 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks yesterday, and I’d grab him in most leagues now that he’s staying in the rotation. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
Kolten Wong – Hit the DL with a shoulder injury too; this one he’s been nursing for weeks. I haven’t seen this many tender shoulders since BBQ Pitmasters finale. Since Wong hadn’t been playing regularly, I would’ve thought the Cards could’ve put him on the DL when he actually hurt his shoulder, but, hey, what do I know? I only have a doctorate from the Fantasy Baseball College of Charleston. Lovely city, bee tee dubs, until that Daryl Hall moved in!
Adam Wainwright – 8 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks as he returned from his elbow issue. Wainwright 1, Fantasy Baseball Overlord 72, but FBO lost this one.
Jon Jay – 2-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI. Sat out on Saturday due to a lefty on the mound, but The Federalist has been hitting every day he’s been in the lineup. Well, except for on Thursday, but you’re gonna quibble yourself into a corner and never pick up anyone. Loosen up, hashtag jazz hands.
Cody Asche – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs. For those of you that have been in a coma for the last two months, see Asche is hitting just like I thought he would! For the rest of you, don’t ruin the illusion for others. S’not cool, Booger Presley.
Michael Morse – Out with a back injury. Last week, I said, “I wonder when the bottom will drop out. I’m guessing around 17 homers and he’s at 13. Not at all saying that because I don’t own him and I’m trying to jinx him. Not at all.” And that’s me jinxing him! Only my powers are obviously a lot stronger than I even know, since he’s still at 13 homers.
Joe Panik – 2-for-4, 1 RBI as he was called up by the Giants to play 2nd base, or at least platoon there. This is a big step for Sabean. Next thing you know, he’s not going to check in on Renteria every time Brandon Crawford looks like he’s limping. Panik looks like a better real baseball player. Like one of those guys that gets on base and doesn’t strike out a ton. Is that my phone? Oh, I thought I heard boring. He’s fairly young, so he could develop more power or speed, but right now he looks like a 7/7 guy over the course of a season with a .300 average.
Madison Bumgarner – 8 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks. You know when you’re feeling particularly lazy and you just line your underwear with fabric softener? That’s still not as sweet a smelling Bum.
Michael Bolsinger – 7 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks. That’s nice, but he has a 4.78 ERA and I wouldn’t touch him with your fabric softener filled gotchies.
Brett Lawrie – Headed to the DL after being hit by a pitch that fractured his finger. No, this isn’t a broken record. Lawrie was hit on the hand last week by a pitch and yesterday it was the other hand. Will someone please put a plastic Elizabethan collar around his head so he can’t hurt himself.
Jose Bautista – Headed for an MRI after experiencing tightness in his leg. Damn, got almost to July without an injury. Hoping for day-to-day expecting ugh-to-DL.
Edwin Encarnacion – 2-for-4 and his 24th homer. For the Edwin! Which isn’t quite as good as Paul Lynde for the win, but pretty damn close. By the by, when is Aronofsky going to make a disturbing Paul Lynde biopic? You know Greg Kinnear has this project in development somewhere.
Colby Rasmus – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and hit his 10th homer on Saturday. Wanna feel old but less pervy? The Rasmus Girl is in college.
Jay Bruce – 2-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI and a homer on Friday and Saturday. Bruuuuuuuuuuuce. Yes, eleven U’s. He came alive this weekend after a cold streak that felt as interminable as the E Street Band’s Hall of Fame induction.
Todd Frazier – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 17th homer. Maybe now that Brandon Phillips hurt himself (his heel) Frazier will take his rightful place as the cleanup hitter. Down goes Frazier (in the order)!
Johnny Cueto – 8 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA down to 1.86 as he threw 120 pitches. In related news, Reds manager, Bryan Price, was hungry around the 7th inning, but couldn’t find any sunflower seeds, so he broke an ‘in case of emergency’ glass that was holding a mint-flavored toothpick. Dusty Baker’s Toothpick, “Let’s pretend we’re the Padres, call up Mark Prior and see if he wants to try out. Just for s’s and g’s.”
Yordano Ventura – 7 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks. He throws 100 MPH and drops a curve off the table like it’s a penny on your lap while you’re descending in one of those Six Flags Free Fall rides, so my pregunta is where is the ridunk Ks? I want me some ridunk Ks. I’m greedy, yo! (Side note: Ventura was relieved by Francisley Bueno. Is that a character from Eastbound & Down? That can’t be his name. No Bueno, c’mon.)
Roenis Elias – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, lowering his ERA to 3.74. Stream-o-Nator didn’t love this start, but does like his next one at home vs. the Indians. That’s the truth about our tender Roenis.
Mike Zunino – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 9th homer as he hits .225. I think I’ve figured out a formula. Prospect hype + Catchers = Fluorescent pipe cleaners. Hmm, math’s off there. Was supposed to equal “Don’t believe any hype for catcher prospects ever.”
Brad Miller – 2-for-4, hitting .207, which is obviously a far cry still from respectability, but he was hitting .175 as of three weeks ago, so there’s that.
Alejandro De Aza – 2-for-4, 1 run. I’ve been hesitant about touting him because I worry about his playing time and he hasn’t exactly ripped the cover off the ball. He does have speed and power, and has been hitting over .300 in the last week with two steals. The Hitter-Tron does like him for the next week almost as much as it likes licking chocolate off a socket wrench.
Phil Hughes – 5 IP, 5 ER. The Regression Fairies dress up ironically as a nun for Halloween, they know someone who once dated Jodie Foster and they will rip your heart out.
Jared Burton – 1 IP, 0 ER and the save as Glen Perkins got a break since he had gone three straight previous days. Perkins hadn’t gone well in those previous three days and had complained of a sore back a few days prior. I’m sitting on Casey Fien (not literally) for vulture saves, but if you’re reading context clues or rainbows, Burton could also be a vulture candidate.
Chase Headley – Received an epidural on Friday, which will invariably give birth to an 0-for-24 streak.
Josh Byrnes – Padres fired their GM, which means Omar Minaya will be taking over in the interim. First order of business, sign 72-year-old Julio Franco!
Odrisamer Despaigne – Will start in Cashner’s place. It’s not clear if Despaigne will stay in the rotation, but it seems odd to call him up for one game. Then again, this team’s in a state of Minayal so it wouldn’t shock me. Minaya said, “We are actively looking for a GM. I am merely an interim one. Meanwhile, I’m thinking Carlos Delgado can be the player/manager.” Despaigne’s rocking a 6+ ERA in the minors and looks like a WHIPping nightmare (near-5 BB/9).
Tanner Roark – 5 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks. On my team, he now has 24 1/3 IP and a 1.48 ERA and 1.07 WHIP. Yup.
Ervin Santana – 6 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 9 Ks. His ERA was 4.12 before the game, and with this Quality Start it went up to 4.15, igniting the Quality Start vs. Wins debate. It’s like the Tastes Great/Less Filling back and forth only it’s Wastes Great Pitching vs. Less Thrilling.
Michael Pineda – Renewed shoulder inflammation. He should’ve let that subscription expire.
J.J. Hardy – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and hit his first home run of the season on Saturday. Have his brothers finally figured out the case of “J.J. and the Missing HRs?” If any SS was going to hit like a Nancy, I expected it to be a Drew.
Steve Pearce – 2-for-4, hitting near-.400 in the last week with 2 homers. Hot schmotato alert!
Jake Odorizzi – 7 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 10 Ks vs. the Asstros. Hasn’t it felt like he’s been superb? He has a 4.29 ERA. He has been better than that recently — under 4.00 ERA the last two months with a 10+ K-rate and a mid-3 walk rate. His velocity doesn’t scream Ks, and his walks are a bit wonky at times. I’d look at him in all leagues if you’re dying for upside, but Saturday’s game was a solid matchup for him and he could easily have a 4 IP, 5 ER bomb his next time out, i.e., Odorizzi to scrambled, just like that.
Joel Peralta – 1 IP, 0 ER and his first save. I’ve been saying Peralta would get saves, though it looked like it was never going to happen, so, naturally, I dropped him yesterday for Juan Carlos Oviedo. *dons giant deer costume, wanders into Ted Nugent’s backyard* Dah! Well, I re-dropped Oviedo and grabbed Peralta, but I’m sure Maddon has more tricks up his sleeve than Tony Wonder.
Brandon Guyer – 2-for-3, 2 runs. Member on Friday when I jokingly said Guyer was next up for the three spot in the lineup? Well, there he was yesterday. Maddon is pulling names out of a hat at this point for his lineup. *Maddon reaches into his hat* Next up for the three hole… A receipt from Lids!
Dallas Keuchel – 8 IP, 4 ER, 13 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA up to 2.78. Complaining about Keuchel’s start yesterday is some #firstplaceteamproblems, but did he really need to go out for the 8th inning to give up another run? Astros saving their bullpen for a playoff push in 2017?
Jason Hammel – 7 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, which comes after his last two games of: 6 IP, 4 ER and 5 IP, 4 ER. He’s like the Reverse Odorizzi. Doesn’t it feel like Hammel has a mediocre ERA? It’s sitting at 2.99. Zoinks! Still, don’t trust him fully, but the Stream-o-Nator does like his next start, and he should prolly be owned in all leagues anyway.
Justin Verlander – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks. Hey, who’s this new guy pitching for the Tigers? Anyone have any scouting reports on him? It’s spelled with a V, then U-R-lander, I think. Anything? I can’t find anything on him. On the for serious, Verlander might’ve fixed the mechanical problem he said was the issue with his previous two months of crizzap. It could be; I still wouldn’t expect the Cy Young Verlander.
Joe Nathan – 1 IP, 1 ER on Saturday as he blew yet another game, but ended up the Escape Goat. Probably a stupid decision, but I chose not to pick up Joba Chamberlain because he looked so incapable of being the closer in his one opportunity this year. On Saturday, Phil Coke got the save. I’d like to teach the world to SAGNOF, but Coke is not it.
Ian Kinsler – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 1 RBI and his 8th steal, which comes a day after his 8th homer. Somebody’s got the good kind of OCD! My grandmother would’ve also liked me to point out that Kinsler’s a nice Jewish boy.
Miguel Cabrera – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 13th homer, hitting .322. Though, my grandmother would’ve also said Miggy could be Sephardic. Basically, it was the first thing she said about everyone. “Well, you know, they have Jews in Scotland, so Sean Connery could be.”
Michael Brantley – 3-for-5, 3 RBIs. Brantley eats concussions for breakfast! Butter up that croicussant, baby!
Rubby De La Rosa – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA down to 2.51. I wonder if Rubby’s sister’s name is Patty. Nah, prolly not. So, Rubby’s looked a lot better than I thought he would. I have a feeling the other shoe is gonna drop on Rubby and his wonky control from the minors is going to rear its head. He goes to the Yankees next and the Stream-o-Nator doesn’t like it, and I can understand why. See, I speak machine.
Mike Napoli – 2-for-4, 2 runs and a slam (8) and legs (2) as he stole home. He was the first Red Sox player since Rico Petrocelli to hit a homer and steal home in the same game and the first player ever to steal home with a cigarette dangling from his mouth.
Stephen Vogt – 1-for-4 and his 2nd homer. He’s not long for a starting job, but he is hitting over .400 in the last week. Cust kayin’.
Jesse Chavez – 7 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks, lowering his ERA to 2.71, but there’s no one on the A’s with an ERA above 3.00 or it just feels like that. They need to do another A’s movie where they ignore the pitching staff. Call it Platoonball. When Platoonball goes wrong? When you have no one left on the bench and your final hitter in a one run game is a pitcher getting his first major league at-bat, which is what happened yesterday.
Aramis Ramirez – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer. You see that guy walking down the street, whistling? He has hitters on his fantasy team in Coors.
Wilin Rosario – 4-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 8th homer. I don’t own him anywhere because I refuse to draft top catchers, but I seriously have never wanted a guy to get hotter on other people’s teams just so people stop asking if they should drop him.
Anthony DeSclafani – 3 2/3 IP, 7 ER as DeSclafani put out a hit on my ratios. I need WHIPness Protection.
Daniel Murphy – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 6th homer, hitting .298. I’m so not a fan of Murphy, and I so wish I had him instead of Rough Odor or Emily Boneface or Jordache Mercer or whoever else I’ll have at MI starting tomorrow.
Lucas Duda – 3-for-4, 1 run, and he hit his 10th homer on Saturday. That was his 2nd homer this week and hitting over .300 in that time as he does The Mashed Schmotato.
Curtis Granderson – 3-for-5, 2 runs. Since his horrific April (.145), he’s been batting .287 with 8 homers and 3 steals. I will acknowledge that is perfectly acceptable for a third outfielder in mixed leagues. I must, I must still increase his possibility of a bust, because he is hitting .186 at home and near-.270 on the road.
Kole Calhoun – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer, and his 2nd homer in the last four games. He’s still getting benched for lefties, but it hasn’t caused made him to be rusty, Kole. Or chase down some nutter named the Yellow King.
Matt Shoemaker – 7 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 10 baserunners, 6 Ks, lowering his ERA to 3.42. Has been more than serviceable in his short time in the majors, but I can’t get past how kinda bleh he was in the minors. The Stream-o-Nator doesn’t like his next start, and I wouldn’t mess with him.
C.J. Cron – 1-for-3 and his 6th homer and now homers in three straight games. He will start every day for the Angels at DH or 1B. He has power potential that shows in his 27 homers in High-A in 2012. Then in 2013 *covers mouth so you can’t hear* and, in 2014, 11 homers between Triple-A and the majors this year (5 in MLB). No idea what happened in 2013, perhaps he thought his first initials stood for Custom Juice and he got roped into this stupid custom juice craze. I miss the salad days of fro-yo. If you’re struggling at corner infidel or just need power, I’d grab Cron, i.e., I almost dropped Hosmer for him, but lost Denard Dawg instead.
Raul Ibanez – Released by the Angels. He’ll still be paid nearly three million dollars this year. What a country! Hey, stop coughing on me homeless person. Hey, we should lend Paraguay five billion dollars to fix their potholes. Hey, I can get a sixth credit card with only 18.9% interest! Hey, I love this new car, nice work, South Korea!