I don’t know where it’s coming from with Jeremy Hazelbaker, so I called Keith Morrison of Dateline to investigate. He went to St. Louis to investigate and left me this message, “Here, in bucolic St. Louis, all seemed right in the world. Jeremy had just married his high school sweetheart, and they were on a honeymoon of a lifetime when the unthinkable happened.” I picked up the phone, because I use an old school answering machine, “Keith, St. Louis isn’t bucolic, and I’m not looking for a suspicious murder scenario. I want to know who Jeremy Hazelbaker is for fantasy baseball.” Keith continued, “The neighbors had nothing but nice things to say about the couple. But they didn’t see the dark side.” “Keith, yesterday, Hazelbaker went 4-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI, and is hitting .526 through a week’s worth of games and hitting 2nd on most days. Can he continue it?” “Only that wasn’t pine tar on his bat, it was iron-rich blood. Coming up after the break–” So, I don’t know how the Cardinals do this with outfielders every year. These outfielders that just come out of nowhere to be fantasy relevant; I will call them, The Sons of Ludwick. Will it continue for Hazelbaker? It seems highly unlikely. He profiles as a 5-7 HR, 15-17 SB guy who might hit .245. But, ya know what, I don’t need to know where it’s coming from or if it will continue to own Hazelbaker, as I now do in a few leagues. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Jhonny Peralta – Had the cast removed from his thumb. Just in time for their Broadway premiere.
Aledmys Diaz – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 1 RBI. I’m not entirely sure why Aledmys isn’t the starting shortstop every single game, but it seems like there’s something in the Cardinals’ clubhouse water; no Cards manager can ever just play guys and leave it at that.
Yadier Molina – 3-for-4, 1 run, 2 RBIs and his 1st steal. He was able to steal when the Brewers infielders all put their gloves over their face at the embarrassment of losing by nine runs after three innings.
Kolten Wong – Cardinals scored 10 runs and Wong went 0-for-4, 1 RBI. Ticker tease!
Michael Wacha – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.48. Got out to a huge early lead and cruised to the iVictory Coast where he stayed for free at the W.
Taylor Jungmann – 2 IP, 8 ER. Jungmann’s shtick of — Take my WHIP, please — is getting old.
Chris Carter – 1-for-3 and his 3rd homer. Over/under is 30 homers? Sounds fair, right? You can name maybe two other hitters that are as cheap as Chris Carter with an over/under of 30 homers.
Scooter Gennett – 2-for-4, hitting .409. I like him, but, aside from that, hot schmotato alert!
Eduardo Rodriguez – Set for another simulated game on Wednesday. It’s a virtual reality.
David Price – 5 IP, 5 ER vs. Yovani Gallardo – 5 IP, 5 ER. To Price: Pitching to the score is better when you’re going against an ace pitcher. To YoGa: Pitching to the score is better when the ace pitcher you’re going against is pitching well.
Craig Kimbrel – 1 IP, 3 ER. Kazaam!
Mookie Betts – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 2nd home run. Who’s better and better than Betts?
Adam Jones – Didn’t start again on Monday. Hopefully not too many people followed Sporting News’s rankings. “This year let’s show them we can write a magazine in December and have it be applicable in March.” “Yeah, let’s take back media from the internet!”
Mark Trumbo – 1-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 1st homer. He’s capable of a Nelson Cruz-like resurgence, but there’s around a 50/50 chance of that and him being useless as he’s been some years too.
Chris Davis – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 5 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .227. What’s up, Marla Gibbs?!
Joey Rickard – 1-for-4, 1 run, hitting .409. He’s been the AL version of Jeremy Hazelbaker. Who is Joey Rickard? No idea, but as long as he’s hitting leadoff, he’s making me Joey Rockhard. What? Gross? Okay, my bad.
Mike Trout – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. Okay, I guess I’ll give him one more week on my team.
Nicholas Tropeano – 5 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks. Doesn’t he sound like a sitcom character that has nickname that everyone always uses? Nicholas Tropeano, or better known as The Bungster, looked solid last night, but I’m not sure there’s anyone I wouldn’t start vs. the A’s.
Sonny Gray – 6 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks. Gray was replaced by middle reliever, R. Dull. Too bad following him wasn’t Is. Unfinished.
Felix Doubront – Will have Tommy John surgery. In related news, Dr. James Andrews was on House Hunters International and rather than pick from one of the three beach villas in Curacao, he bought all three.
Cameron Maybin – Moving his rehab to Toledo. If he were a religious man, it would be Holy Toledo.
Daniel Norris – Will make a rehab start on Friday at High-A Lakeland. There’s one confused city. Are you a lake or are you a land?
James McCann – Was diagnosed with an ankle sprain after colliding with John Jaso Jingleheimer Schmidt (2-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI). Jarrod Saltalamacchia (0-for-2) will take over catching duties in media res. He goes by the name Salty, but is not related to Semien.
Justin Verlander – 4 1/3 IP, 7 ER. You should call out the ‘pert who fed you the narrative that Verlander was a solid buy this preseason, because it sure wasn’t me.
J.D. Martinez – 2-for-4 and his 1st homer. Just Dong! There’s about a 66% chance (real math!) that J.D. is a Buy at the end of May as he seems to start slow. It’s his wont.
Nick Castellanos – 1-for-4 and his 1st homer, hitting .353. He was my pick for sleeper of the year, which is something I will mention a lot if he does well and something I will never mention again if he does poorly. You have been advised, Nick C. lovers.
Gregory Polanco – 3-for-5, 1 run, 1 RBI. Honestly, I don’t want to mention Polanco at all this year in the roundups for fear of jinxing him. I own him everywhere, he’s looking good, let’s move on.
Francisco Cervelli – 3-for-4, 1 run, hitting .455. This is weird (not weird). You could’ve drafted Cervelli in the last rounds of most drafts. No one wanted him. But, a few years ago, when Yadier was doing what Cervelli is now doing, Molina was going in the top 120 of drafts. Even this year, with as awful Molina is, him and Cervelli were basically a toss up in drafts. Told you weird (not weird).
Glen Perkins – Sounds like he’s about one more bad outing away from being the latest closer casualty, or closualty. Molitor said he wasn’t sure about Perkins’s availability yesterday after two less than stelllllllllar performances. In all leagues, I looked to add Kevin Jepsen.
Adam Eaton – 1-for-4 as he returned from paternity leave. In between handing out cigars to all his teammates, he told the press he hopes his daughter is well-adjusted, and named her, Readmorevogueandstop Eaton. And we’re down to four girl readers.
Jose Quintana – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.31. Not saying I don’t like Quintana but vs. the Twins in his career in Hubert H. Homerfree Retrodome, he has an under-3 ERA.
Steven Matz – 1 2/3 IP, 7 ER. Hey, I’m gonna leave my Diet Fresca on the counter of this poorly-lit bar in Tijuana and go to the bathroom. Could someone watch it? Thanks! *cut to six hours later* It feels a little drafty in here. Wait, why is there a gaping hole in my chest where my liver, spleen and kidney have been removed? ROOFIE!!!
Giancarlo Stanton – 1-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer. 48 more homers to go! C’mon, Sexy Lower Front!
Marcell Ozuna – 2-for-6 and his 1st homer. OZUNA hit ball hard. OZUNA knew ball gone. OZUNA write postcard wishing ball safe trip.
J.T. Realmuto – 3-for-5, 1 run, 1 RBI. I was kinda hoping to get Realmuto in one league this year. Thought he was going at a fair price. Unfortunately, there’s the fantasy commandment, “Thou shall never covet a catcher.”
Mallex Smith – 1-for-3, 1 run. He left yesterday’s game with a cut on his forehead, and, as commenters, Fungazi and Moneyball, said, “He’ll be back tomorrow lookin’ like Omar Little and stealin’ whatever he wants. You come at Mallex, you best not miss.” Prior to leaving, he outran a dribbler to the 2nd baseman with ease. It wasn’t even close. It looked like it caught Murphy by surprise how fast Mallex was. Challah!
Daniel Murphy – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 2nd home run. He’s currently leading the majors for homers by homophobes, barely edging out Yunel Escobar.
Ryan Zimmerman – 2-for-3, 3 runs, 1 RBI, hitting .400. He’s in a nice place in a solid lineup if he can stay healthy. And the whole world can fit inside that ‘if’ with room to spare.
Wilson Ramos – 4-for-4, 2 RBIs. The four singles completed the Juan Pierre Cycle. First of the year in the majors.
Max Scherzer – 6 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks vs. the Braves. Guess he didn’t feel like bringing his A game. Or his B game. Didn’t quite bring his BP game, either.
Michael Taylor – 2-for-5, 1 run and first two steals of the year. We talk about Taylor a bit on the podcast that’s coming later today. You can’t wait. No, you! After yesterday’s game, he could be a rising schmotato.
Lance McCullers – Made his first rehab start at Double-A Corpus Christi. More like Double C, but what do I know?
Colby Rasmus – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 3rd home run. Know why? Short schedule day, snitches!
Collin McHugh – 7 IP, 0 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA down to 6.14. Solid start vs. the Royals at the Astros home opener. Jeff Bagwell showed up to cheer on his former team. He now looks like a random Survivor contestant who makes the jury only to be forgotten about a week after the show ends.
Jose Altuve – 3-for-4, 3 runs, 1 RBI and two steals (5, 6). This preseason I feel like someone was saying that Altuve wouldn’t be stealing as much this year. I don’t know who it was, and now is not the time to show yourself.
Evan Gattis – Will be activated today. Kevin from ESPN’s “Get Him In Your Lineup” Department said, “Get him in your lineup! Hey, Bill, is it weird that I’m so hungover I just talked into the stapler?”
Jose Reyes – Charges were officially dropped. Our Manfred, the commish, could still impose a suspension. I think it might come down to whether Manfred owns Trevor Story in fantasy.
Nomar Mazara – 2-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI. I own Mazara on a team where I own DeShizz. I’m so conflicted. Now I know how Sophie felt in Sophie’s Choice. Of course, that was slightly more serious of a situation.
Hisashi Iwakuma – 6 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.09. I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop with the injury that forced the Dodgers to abandon his contract. Sure is silent on that front though. Ugh, I’m a fool. I had my earplugs in.
Billy Hamilton – 1-for-3 and his 1st home run. Since the Reds were facing Jon Lester (6 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks), both teams agreed beforehand to save everyone the trouble and let Hamilton get a home run rather than have him single and steal three bases.
Brandon Finnegan – 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 1 Hit, 5 BBs, 5 Ks. Whenever I see Finnegan pitch, I want to watch Cocktail or get drunk. I like Finnegan a lot, but this wasn’t quite as pretty of a start as the final line. Give free passes like that and Finnegan will keep needing the luck of the Irish. With that said (Grey’s changing course!), I would own him.
Jumbo Diaz – 2/3 IP, 1 ER and the blown save. Sure, glad he got to show why he should be the closer. That worked out great!
Addison Russell – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 1st homer, hitting .160. Whatever, Trevor Story hits a home run when he’s in the dugout.
Andrew Cashner – 5 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks vs. the Phils. Was a pretty cushiony matchup. Not as cushiony as taking on the 1-800-Mattress company team, but close. Stream-o-Nator likes Cashner’s next start and I could see going with him there.
Jon Jay – 1-for-4, 1 RBI. Look at the Cards or O’s with Hazelbaker or Rickard. They’re playing them, they’re trying them. Mean’s while, the Padres are hitting The Federalist leadoff. No offense to The Federalist, but no offense from him either. Don’t the Padres know what they’re getting from him? A 4th outfielder that you use when your other guys go down. It’s pretty disgraceful they don’t just call up Manuel Margot or try someone else.
Wil Myers – 1-for-4 and his 2nd home run. I’ve noticed Myers has started to appear in questions about dropping him. He’s hitting .276 with two homers. He’s on pace for 25 homers. Not sure what else peeps want, and I’m not addressing the marshmallow Easter candies.
Aaron Nola – 7 IP, 4 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks. From time to time, you’ll hear me say Nola is safe, and even when he gets hit around a bit, he still has a nice xFIP, and is safe. There’s no accounting for bad luck. There’s no accounting for writing off porn either, but that’s a separate matter.
Jeanmar Gomez – Pete Macktheknife won’t name a closer, saying about Gomez, “Fireman of the year.” Nothing boosts confidence like a sarcastic manager. It’s motivational sarcasm like, “Yeah, we’re totally the best team,” followed by an eye roll. Or, “I really love what he’s been doing on the mound,” followed by miming sticking his finger down his throat like he wants to vomit.
Michael Brantley – Was cleared for rehab games. Rehab game he’s scheduled for is “Break for donuts” vs. “Break for cigarettes.”
