The Rangers must be looking for a Bubba sparks to rock it very well, because they’re calling up outfielder, Bubba Thompson (1-for-3). Looking at my fantasy team with no speed, “Ah, yeah, I found you, team with an outfield that is booty.” Seeing Prince Fielder’s poster in the Hall of Legends in Arlington, singing softly, “Booty, booty, booty, booty, rockin’ everywhere.” Walking into the VIP section of the loge deck, “Hit the player’s club for bout a month or two,” rubs pluot on shirt, “Get it ripe, get it right, hit it with a bite.” Okay, sorry! Bubba Sparxxx makes me laugh. So, the Rangers are calling up Bubba Thompson, whose minor league numbers are eye-poppingly gorge: In 80 games at Triple-A, he hit 13 homers and .303, with 49 steals. Get it ripe, get it right, steal a base on sight! He was in Itch’s top 60 outfielder prospects, and, one love to Itch, but even if he wasn’t, and he had 49 steals in a half season, I’d be interested, because the speed category for all of my fantasy teams is booty, booty, booty, booty, suckin’ everywhere. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Cole Ragans – 5 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners (4 BBs), 3 Ks, as he was called up for his first MLB start. Ragans hasn’t been mentioned on this site in so long the last mention of him was by Prospect Mike — Hey, Prospect Mike! — he said, “This lefty’s plus fastball and plus change-up make him an interesting upside play. Unfortunately, he’s currently recovering from Tommy John surgery, so there’s not much to say about his 2018 performance.” 2018! If only I could tell Prospect Mike what was to come in the next four years. Like yesterday, I drank a Jamba Juice and coughed up phlegm. Prospect Mike could’ve been warned! Any hoo! Ragans is an AL-Only guy.

Johnny Cueto – 8 IP, 3 ER, 11 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.91. The amount of mileage I’ve gotten out of Cueto in an Only league is better than I’ve gotten from my car in roughly two years.

Didi Gregorius – Released by the Phils. Didi, Didi, Didi, can’t you see? You can’t hit .181 as a Phillie.

Rhys Hoskins – 2-for-2, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 21st homer. Also, in this game, Alec Bohm (1-for-2, 3 RBIs) hit his 8th homer. That’s right, kids, not the star of Roger Rabbit, but this game featured Bohm/Hoskins!

Noah Syndergaard – 5 IP, 4 ER, 11 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 4.02. This start was vs. the Gnats, too. I don’t know what’s happened to Syndergaard. Usually Tommy John leads to loss of command, not loss of swagger. Well, I guess he did throw a complete game yesterday, so there’s that sideways emoji screaming I’m not drinking any f***ing Merlot!

Willson Contreras – 2-for-8, 2 runs and his 15th homer. That could’ve been yours, Mets! You could’ve traded the Cubs Kumar Rocker. Oh, wait.

Marcus Stroman – 6 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.00. If you throw out his nine-run, pre-IL disaster, he has a 1.74 ERA, 0.91 WHIP in 57 IP since April 26th. That looks more like the Marcus Stroman that we’ve come to know across many seasons. Solid ratios, okay strikeouts, tiny legs. Streamonator likes his next one, and I agree.

Miles Mikolas – 6 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.92. Waiting in a 30-minute line to speak at the microphone at a town hall meeting. Finally, I get up there, “Why does fantasy baseball cause ulcers, you ask?!” Everyone looks around, clearly no one asked. That’s okay, I continue, “Let’s start with a guy, in the pennant race! Who’s been great all year! Faces a club that is punting the season! And! And! And he can’t take the easy dub! For just beginners that’s one ulcer!” I then run down another twenty reasons why baseball drives me nuts until I’m asked to leave.

Paul Goldschmidt – 3-for-8, 2 runs and his 26th homer, and his 2nd homer in as many games, though the Cards have played three games now. Au Shizz!

Nolan Gorman – 1-for-4, 2 runs and his 12th homer. It’s with much regret for my own teams to tell you that Edman is no longer playing every game. I mean, I know he’s kinda sucked recently, but what about my deep fantasy teams? Maybe since Edman was better in the nightcap he might start playing.

Nolan Arenado – 2-for-6, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 21st homer. Check this out, I have the original handwritten lyrics to Blowin’ In The Wind. Yeah, they’re over by this open window–NOOOO!!! Torenado!

Jose Quintana – 6 IP, 1 ER, 1 hit, 2 walks, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.39. In retrospect, Quintana and Montgomery make perfect sense for the Cards, because no one expects anything from them, then they have a 3.50 or lower ERA and just get the job done.

J.D. Davis – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer. The Giants turn “fourth bats off the bench” into All-Stars.

Mookie Betts – 1-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 25th homer. Mookie Best!

Trea Turner – 1-for-4 and his 18th homer, hitting .305. Treat Urner is not making anyone beg!

Clayton Kershaw – Left yesterday’s start saying, “My back.” So, he was either misremembering the song My Humps or he hurt himself.

Jesus Sanchez – Demoted to the minors. Jesus might rise again, but it’s not gonna be on my teams, and not before Easter of next year.

Peyton Burdick – Was called up by the Marlins. The word on the street is Peyton is here to stay and will get everyday playing time. The Marlins want to see what they have for 2023. (Read between the lines: They’ve seen enough of Jesus Sanchez.) So, if the Marlins want to see if Burdick will take root, or at least not make things too hard to swallow. Am I simply reading the WebMD page for burdock root? Yeah, maybe. Burdick looks like he’s taking after so many Marlins’ bats before him, he hit 14 HRs in 88 Triple-A games and .229 with serious contact issues and some speed (8 SBs). That’s an NL-Only flyer at this point.

Edward Cabrera – Activated from the IL, and supposed to start today. If he were dropped in your league, I hope it wasn’t on his head. You could pick him up, but his command is so wonky, I’ll prolly be more careful than with most guys. Though, vs. the Cubs does sound enticing. Ugh, he’s roping me in, isn’t he?

Tyler Naquin – 2-for-4 and his 8th and 9th homer in his first game in Metco. He won’t be in this afternoon’s Buy column, but he immediately goes into the hot schmotato category. The problem: Mets have become way more platoon-heavy than I remember them in years past. They now have Naquin/Canha; Guillorme/Escobar and Vogelbach/Vogelfront.

Pete Alonso – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 29th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. Albombso!

Daniel Vogelbach – 2-for-4 and his 14th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. Hot schmotato alert–Oh, shoot, he just ate that schmotato. C’mon, man!

Ronald Acuña Jr. – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer. Tildaddy says he’s done reading the paper!

Kyle Wright – 6 IP, 6 ER, 4 HRs allowed, ERA at 3.22. How long until he’s shut down? Another start? Three more?

Brandon Lowe – 3-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 8th homer, and 2nd homer in four games. The cheers of Tampa fans screaming, “Let’s go Brandon,” are getting weird looks. Hmm, not sure what that’s about.

Jeffrey Springs – 6 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.50. Streamonator liked Springs last night — hope Springs yadda — but doesn’t like his next one.

MJ Melendez – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 11th homer, as he hits leadoff. For every ten “Should I drop Melendez” questions, he hits one home run. It’s now up to you.

Salvador Perez – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 15th homer, hitting .215. Pfft, he hasn’t been 215 since middle school.

Jackie Bradley Jr. – Designated for assignment. Maybe I’m being too harsh, but there should be some accountability for bringing in guys who you know are going to do nothing, and, when they do nothing, you just cut them. Are the Red Sox just dumb? Is there some kind of tax fraud going on and JBJ was a write-off they needed? Is JBJ blackmailing someone? I have questions, y’all!

Justin Verlander – 6 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 1.73. Guys and five lady readers, he’s doing this after Tommy John surgery. At 39 years old.

Chas McCormick – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 11th homer. Says there he has 11 homers, but if you would’ve told me he had less than five, I would’ve believed you. Chas McSneakuponyou.

Teoscar Hernandez – 1-for-5 and his 16th homer. If he finishes with less than 20 homers, I will eat my hat. Thankfully, I’m wearing a giant Nacho hat made of tortilla.

Vladimir Guerrero Jr. – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 22nd homer, hitting .286. Cake Batter make you go yum!

Alek Manoah – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.45. Used to say this a lot last year (when it was a compliment), but this doode reminds me so much of a young Lance Lynn. He takes a comebacker off his elbow. No big whoop! Comes back the next start and throws 100.

Sonny Gray – 5 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 5 BBs, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.19. Haven’t seen a Gray that wild since I accidentally walked into a Designing Women theme night at a 40-and-over bar.

Hunter Gaddis – Sounds like he’ll start tonight for the Guardians vs. the Astros. Wonder if he ever shared a tent in a public park with Evan Gattis. Guessing not. He has a lights-out screwball, not a very fast fastball and iffy command. Outside of AL-Only, I’d be watching more than participating.

Janson Junk – 2 1/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 6.48. More like trash.

Taylor Ward – 1-for-5 and his 14th homer. Since June 1st, he has 4 homers and is hitting .215. Ward Cleaver, as in that’s the hatchet he’s swinging.

Kurt Suzuki – 1-for-4 and his 3rd homer. Also, in this game, Jo Adell (1-for-4) hit his 4th homer, Mickey Moniak (1-for-4) hit his 1st homer, and Jared Walsh (1-for-4) hit his 14th homer, as the Angels hit seven solo homers, and lost. I will now cackle loud enough for them to hear me at Bobby Grich’s Bar & Grill in downtown Irvine.

Shohei Ohtani – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 23rd and 24th homer. It’s almost like Ohtani and Trout take turns babysitting the scrubs. Trout was like, “I did it for a bunch of years before you, give me a little break, would ya?”

Seth Brown – 2-for-2, 2 RBIs and his 16th homer, and his 4th homer in four games, as he hits right behind Murphy, which Dan Quayle would not like. Brown will be appearing in the Buy column that’s coming later today. That’s right, the fantathtic Seth Brown!

Ramon Laureano – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 12th homer, and 2nd homer in four games. He won’t be in this afternoon’s Buy column, because I think he’s rostered in more leagues than the 50% cutoff, but if he’s available in yours, then do your thang. Yes, thang.

A.J. Puk – 1/3 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 2.01, as he registered his 3rd save, and you gotta be freakin’ kidding me? A’s need to win so bad they pull Zach Jackson (2/3 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 3.00) with one out to go in the 9th? You can’t just let him try to nail it down? Jesus Effin’ Aguilar!

Joe Musgrove – 4 2/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 3.00. I wouldn’t dream of pointing out that I told everyone to sell Musgrove as the 1st half was winding down because of his splits. Nope, wouldn’t dream of it.

Ryan McMahon – 2-for-3, 5 RBIs and his 9th homer. Yikes, I had no idea he was hitting for such poor power this year. Has he missed all home games?

Brandon Woodruff – 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 11 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.49, as he took on the never-say-die Pirates. Or rather, never-say-argh.

Mike Brosseau – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer. Brosseau, “Whoa!”

Omar Narvaez – Hit the IL with a quad strain, but his replacement, Victor Caratini (1-for-3) hit his 8th homer. That’s right, the Brewers will turn to Caratini, i.e., the Brewers got hops like a rabbit.

Christian Yelich – 0-for-4, 3 Ks, hitting .261. He’s slugging .391; Eric Hosmer is slugging .391. ‘Member in the preseason, we were all debating Bellinger or Yelich? The correct answer was neither. Yelich and Bellinger are the Gotye of MLB. They dropped one banger of a summer. Now they’re just somebody we used to know.