I watch all trading deadline deals like I’m watching Hereditary. Hands firmly pressed over my eyes, occasionally I’ll peek out. See a Jon Heyman tweet coming and prepare to scream. Then a long exhale. “Ah, thank God, it’s not a player I own nor does it affect any of my other guys.” Then, out of nowhere, Brian Dozier gets traded to the Dodgers and my head goes into a tailspin like it’s a WHOMP on the old Batman TV show. “But what about Max Muncy? Can Chris Taylor still play? What about Kiké?! Please tell me Kiké’s still in PLAY!” Then I take 150 milligrams of Percocet and go to the park to watch pre-teens and all of their innocence. In my head, I scream to them, “You’ll never know my pain!” And smile lopsidedly until another adult asks me to leave. So, the Dodgers are now fielding the NL All-Star team from now until October. Dozier will likely slot into the two or three hole and I still like him for a huge 2nd half. Max Muncy and Chris Taylor are not likely going to be as fortunate, as I have no idea where the Dodgers can play all of these guys. If you’ve been burned by the trade deadline, I will smile lopsidedly and creep out someone for you. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
John Axford – Traded to the Dodgers. Hopefully, he’s all the Dodgers can *pinkie to mouth* Axford.
Walker Buehler – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.65 vs. Wade Miley 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 1.53. Dodgers and Brewers trade for so many hitters they have All-Stars moved to the bench, then Vin Scully flies a Cessna over Dodger Stadium with a banner that reads, “Good pitching beats good hitting every time.”
Jonathan Schoop – Traded to the Brewers. You know the guy who goes to the check cashing place with his temp job paycheck? He takes all $176.90 of his fat loot (after check cashing fees) and buys himself some dope-ass sneakers. Got no money, got no real job, got no girl — you’re pretty much a Young MC lyric — but you have sneakers. A few years later, you know what you have? Still some sneakers. That’s the Brewers. They don’t have any pitching, but they are collecting themselves some fly gear! If you could hit 30 homers and .230, you too can play for the Brewers! Doesn’t matter if you play 2nd or 3rd or 1st or a corner outfielder spot! Nope! The Brewers will be playing six 1st basemen this coming Friday and have Travis Shaw pitching! Obviously Schoop’s a decent offensive bet in Miller, but I honestly have no idea where they’re playing all of these guys. Are they seriously benching Shaw? Aguilar? Thames? Braun almost assuredly seems on the outside looking in. Schoop supposedly is going to play shortstop; I wonder if they’ve told him that yet.
Logan Forsythe – Went the other way in the Dozier trade. This is gonna sound super stupid — stuper? — but I think this is a solid landing place for Forsythe. Only him and I could’ve guessed that. Him because of the psychic ability of his surname. Me because Fantasy Master Lothario. Twins have room to let Forsythe play and he could sneak into the leadoff slot; everyone knows Mauer doesn’t belong there. Will Forsythe become a 12-team mixed league bat? No, obviously, you don’t have Forsythe. For an AL-Only league though, cheap chef’s kiss.
Leonys Martin – Traded to the Indians. Would’ve loved to see the Indians trade for Bryce Harper for completely selfish reasons, so Harper would slot behind Jo-Ram, Brantley and Lindor and help the team where I own Harper get some RBIs. “I need some McRibbies!” That’s me acting a fool at a McDonald’s drive thru. Leonys actually takes a hit in fantasy value moving to the Indians, since he will now platoon and hit at the bottom of the lineup. Bottom of the Indians’ lineup > top of Tigers’ lineup? Interesting greater than pregunta, but it’s prolly a push vs. greater than, and Push < greater than, but Pusha T > All other rappers. I should be a SATs prep instructor. Teaching comes so natural. Willi Castro went the other way, can see where he slots in on the top 500 fantasy baseball prospects.
Chris Archer – Traded to the Pirates. Pirates finally go all-in for a playoff run and everywhere I see the Rays being touted as trading deadline winners. If only the Rays could fill their stands with all their stans. Does every sport have a team like the Rays? Constantly touted as so innovative and forward-thinking and brilliant while being a barely .500 team every year. I’m so done with the narrative of the Rays being a brilliantly run organization. Win some games. I don’t care about payrolls either. Make shizz happen! Admittedly, I’m fired up from the trading deadline. Archer going to Pittsburgh can’t be a bad thing unless the Pirates use their pitching methods they used on Gerrit Cole when they told him to stop going for strikeouts. In reality, there’s only about fourteen starts left of the season; Archer’s Ks are way down and his velocity is off. He has been unlucky and in such a small sample size of two months, he could easily be a 10 K/9, 2.50 ERA guy the rest of the way. I like that bet more with him in the NL Central. Who gets bumped from the Pirates rotation for him? My guess is Kingham to the curb.
Francisco Cervelli – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer. I don’t want to overstate my ineptitude, but I grabbed Cervelli prior to yesterday’s game and I think it might be my first catcher homer all year. Lowercase yay.
Gregory Polanco – 2-for-3, 3 runs and his 19th homer. Pretty weird season for Polanco, downright J-Uptonian, as he’s vanished for months at a time.
Brandon Kintzler – Traded to the Cubs. Nats were selling at the deadline to make it seem to their fans like they were not selling. It’s the Rorschach Trading Deadline strategy. Fans can see whatever they want.
Javier Baez – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 22nd homer, hitting .300. Top 20 next year? 15? I’m about to anoint snitches up in here like the Pope!
Kevin Gausman – Traded to the Braves. Look at the Braves just making smart moves. I wanna pinch your Braves cheeks, you’re so cute! You know I loved Gausman coming into this year, and I loved him because of his 2nd half last year when he was a top 15 starter. Not sure if he has it in him again, but, if it’s gonna happen, the NL East is where. Also, this likely makes Kolby Allard’s start (5 IP, 4 ER) a spot start.
Ronald Acuna Jr. – 3-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. About to start calling him Tilde Acuña Hr. Taking it for a spin, is all.
Nick Markakis – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 12th homer. Sparkakis!
Khris Davis – 3-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 29th homer. A’s were relatively quiet during the trading deadline, because Mickey Mantle and Cy Young weren’t available, and anyone else would be a downgrade with how they’re playing.
Tommy Pham – Traded to the Rays. Love this trade from a fantasy baseball perspective. Not because I think Pham can lead the Rays to any sort of promised land — Phamised Land? No, that sounds like exactly what you don’t want. — I don’t even particularly love Pham. I barely like him. I think he’s a solid 20/17/.265 guy. Basically, Kevin Kiermaier plus 25 months. And months in Spanish is meses, which I pronounce like Macy’s and Macy’s is essentially replaced by Amazon and the last letters in Pham and first letters in Amazon are the same so Phamazon Prime for a huge 2nd half. Or not. Either way, Pham isn’t hurt by this trade. If anything, he gets a boost, due to guaranteed playing time and a favorable spot in the Rays’ lineup. What I actually love about this move is it opens up the Cardinals’ outfield. Ozuna and Dexter Fowler will see at-bats no matter how well we can form the tears on our cheeks into synonyms for the word ‘sad,’ but now we have a new Cards’ outfielder slot to play with and don’t end sentences with with — dah! Tyler O’Neill was called up and snatched up with the quickness in all my leagues. Why? Prolly because he has 26 homers and a .311 average in only 61 games in Triple-A. El oh holy crap. Yo, who are, BAAArry Bonds? Harrison Bader will also see playing time in the newly aligned Cardinals’ outfield, and, prior to O’Neill becoming BAAAbe Ruth, Bader was a top prospect with 25/12/.270 potential. I’d grab both to see how this shakes out. As of now, the Cards are saying O’Neill/Bader will be a 50/50 time share. Don’t worry, Jo-Ma is still not playing.
Austin Meadows – Went the other way in the Archer trade. The Rays immediately sent Meadows to the minors. I believe they did it in a DeLorean as they try to take time off his arbitration clock. Everyone talks about how great the Rays are, and they are always playing for next year. The 17-year rebuild is going swimmingly.
Tyler Glasnow – Another piece in the Archer trade. Good thing the Rays got back an arm, because they’re one injury away from Ji-Man Choi: Major League Starter. Glasnow is a bigger work in progress than the Crazy Horse Memorial in South Dakota. His Ks could be 10+, but he needs to get his BB/9 below 5, which has not been the case so far. If he gets to start, I could see using the Stream-o-Nator for him, but he’s at best a sleeper for next year.
Jake Bauers – 1-for-4 and his 8th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. He should just be owned, but I’m not going to press people on that right now. Instead, I’ll opt for the hot schmotato alert!
Tyler Skaggs – 3 1/3 IP, 10 ER, ERA at 3.34. The Regression Fairies had an uncle in the Rainbow Coalition, they think there’s enough material for five more Mamma Mia movies and they will destroy your ratios.
Dereck Rodriguez – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.59. Just went over Smudge Rodriguez last time he pitched. Click his name and get magically transported to past mentions of him. It’s like the greatest magic trick in the world and it earns me .000000067 of a penny.
George Springer – Left with a sore shoulder. Somehow, the Astros still won’t work Kyle Tucker into the lineup. By the by, Houston’s lineup without Correa, Altuve and Springer looks kinda like Asstros. Though, Reddick (3-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 11th homer) did come through last night. Ew.
Chris Sale – Hit the DL with shoulder inflammation. After striking out ten hitters in six scoreless in his last start? With the Red Sox coasting to the playoffs? Excuse me if I’m skeptical. That’s pretendonitis until I see an MRI (after 11 years of med school).
Wilson Ramos – Traded to the Phils. “So, like I was saying Jorge Alfaro has been surprisingly valuable for my NL-Only team.” That’s Two Days Ago Grey who is currently kicking himself in the hindsight. You couldn’t have known, Two Days Ago Grey. “I know, but I mocked Three Days Ago Grey mercilessly about it and now he’s no longer speaking to me. Hindsight really sucks.” So, Ramos goes to the Phils, which is a solid real move for them, and him. Not like he’ll suddenly be Yogi Piazza, but the lineup and park are better. Of course, he’s on the DL for a few more weeks, so you’ve got some time, Two Days Ago Grey!
Jake Arrieta – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.32. Excellent trading deadline move to trade for 2015 Arrieta. Well played!
Jake Diekman – Traded to the Diamondbacks. Arizona really wanted Gimme Fenceman, but they got a Diekman instead. This means that Jose Leclerc should be in pole position to be Rangers’ closer. That’s until old tweets uncover his choice words for uncle, F.W. de Klerk.
Brad Ziegler – Traded to the Diamondbacks. There will be some familiar faces in Arizona from when Ziegler was first with the Diamondbacks, but lots of new faces, which is awesome for his autograph collection. “Could you sign one in Japanese characters so I can try to sell it on Alibaba?” That’s Ziegler talking with Hirano.
Zack Godley – 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 4.46. Not to take anything away from Godley, but this was against one of the worst road offenses (Rangers). Godley did do all that was humanly possible.
A.J. Pollock – 1-for-4 and his 15th homer, and his 2nd homer in three games. How many Pollocks does it take to hit two homers in three games? One, obviously. Dur.
Jeff McNeil – 1-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. With Asdrubal gone, McNeil became the de facto 2nd baseman, and has me a little like the emoji with hand on the chin. Not quite pulling trigger in shallow leagues, but definitely cyclops’ing him.
Daniel Murphy – 3-for-4, 3 runs, 6 RBIs and his 3rd and 4th homer. Hitting near .350 in the last week, and, hey, I wouldn’t have drafted him, but if he were dropped, I’d grab him.
Trea Turner – 4-for-6, 3 runs, 2 steals (25 26), and 4 steals in the last three games. What was that about Treat Urner not running?
Tanner Roark – 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.37. Not completely sure what the Stream-o-Nator has against Roark, but I grabbed him for this start and I’m holding him for his next one. Mr. Roark can make your fantasies come true.
Jon Gray – 7 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.99. Look at this guy pitching downright efficient! No crazy Ks, but no crazy anything else either. I’ll take it! Give me boring for once; my heart longs for it.
Carlos Gonzalez – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 13th homer, hitting near-.400 in the last week. Think he’s prolly owned in too many leagues to be telling you to pick him up, but CarGo’s got hot stuff, says Frank Sobotka.
Homer Bailey – 8 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 5.87 vs. Matthew Boyd – 8 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.22. Both the Tigers and Reds played a dejected, demoralized game yesterday, because anyone who remained on either team knew they weren’t going to get traded to a contender.
Danny Duffy – 5 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 10 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.50, as he faced the White Sox. See what I said 1/18th of an inch above for the Reds/Tigers matchup. These teams will snap out of it, but it’s going to take time to realize they’re stuck in Purgatory.
Ryan O’Hearn – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer in his first major league game. It’s all downhill from O’Here. He looks like a potential 20-homer, .240 hitter if he can fend off Hunter Dozier and Lucas Duda. Ya know, Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Duda.
Jonathan Villar – Went the other way in the Schoop trade. Might have the highest gain in fantasy value across all trades (Gausman and Archer could have something to say about that). The Orioles are just crazy enough to play Villar every day and he is the prototypical player who is much more valuable in fantasy than real life. Sounds like a win-win! Those are fantasy wins; the Orioles aren’t winning in either of those, but don’t tell them that.
Miguel Andujar – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 13th homer, hitting .292. Weird to say a guy is quietly putting together a solid season for the Yankees, because usually everything to do with New York is screamed and cussed, but Andujar’s on pace for a 20/.290 season as a rookie. Since there’s a blog law that states whenever you talk about the Yankees, you must also talk about the Red Sox. If Bogaerts were to give you a 24/.290 season, it would be an improvement on his current pace.
Masahiro Tanaka – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.84. Now has 15 scoreless innings in the 2nd half, and I told you after his last scoreless game that you should be looking to acquire him. Now, good luck with that.
J.A. Happ – Hit the DL with Hand, Foot and Mouth Disease. About to start writing my script about the year all of the best players in the Major Leagues got Hand, Foot and Mouth Disease from a dirty diaper and utility men and middle relievers had to finish out the baseball season. “I’ll tell you what, Joe, this has been an interesting World Series and tonight will be no different with Brandon Workman about to face Matt Albers in the pivotal sixth game.”