Who ropes us in? Did you just answer, “A rodeo cowboy?” No, I’m talking about in fantasy. Did you just say, “My fantasies involve rodeo cowboys?” I’m saying Bud Black ropes us in…*sees your eyes start to glaze over*…like a great rodeo cowboy! Now that I have your attention, David Dahl was IL’d with something. He is Mr. Glass. I won’t hear otherwise. Earlier this summer it was reported Dahl had no spleen. I have no idea what a spleen does, but if I were a scientist, I’d be looking into how no spleen equals a litany of injuries. “Is the spleen connected to back pain?” That’s me as a scientist while not knowing anything a scientist might know. So, Brendan Rodgers was called up! I grabbed him in all leagues where I could. He could be the call-up — flashing power, some speed and solid average because, and I can’t stress this enough after saying something that is meant to stress this: Coors. In only 37 games in Triple-A last year, he hit 9 HRs and .350, and guess how many games the Rockies had left when he was called up. Ding, ding, ding — 37! Hopefully, Bud Black isn’t just roping us in again. “I caught me some rodeo clowns.” That’s Bud Black. That bastard. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Yordan Alvarez – Will miss the rest of the season to have his torn patella tendon repaired. Plays a sad note on the piano, softly, delicately sings, “I wanna see Yordan…your dong…dong…dong…”
Framber Valdez – 7 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 1.72. Don’t want to take anything away from him for what could be his star mitzvah, but he’s not pitching anywhere near as good as his ERA is saying. Of course, I’d own him. Cust kayin’.
Kyle Tucker – 4-for-5, 3 runs, 4 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .227. The Marla Gibbs line! Tucker came within two bases of a club record of 13 total bases. With his homer, he had two triples and a single, which is actually much rarer than a cycle. Call it a Segway.
Carlos Correa – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .321. Carlos N. Coorsea! No? How about Coorslos Correa? Still bad? Okay.
Casey Mize – 4 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 7 Ks, in his major league debut. Hello splitter cutter sinker, goodbye you. Yeah, he was as good as advertised even if the results don’t track. That’s just the nature of rookie pitchers. Want some of dem roofies, then line up and take one down. It’s gonna be hit or miss, in every way, for this season. In dynasty? *throwing dollars like in a strip club, but at your dynasty team page*
Jeimer Candelario – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer, hitting .257, as he hit leadoff. Jeimer was a popular sleep–Okay, messing around. He’s barely popular in his own house.
Dane Dunning – 4 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 7 Ks as he made his major league debut on the other side of Mize. Such perfect symmetry that both pitchers had the exact same lines. Perfectly encapsulates rookie pitchers. Prospect Ralph said of Dunning, “Dunning leans heavily on a mid-90s fastball, that tops out at 96. The pitch is defined by it’s heavy sink, generating lots of weak contact. His secondaries start with a two-plane slider, that gets swings and misses, and an above-average/average changeup he mixes in to lefties. He commands his arsenal well, and shows mature pitchability, and sequencing. Speaking of sequencing, Grey has the same DNA sequencing as a jackass.” Hey! I had to go all the way back to Ralph because Dunning had Tommy John surgery and hasn’t pitched since 2018. At the time, he was a sexy name, but what has Dane Dunning recently? *hand on chin* Hmm…? I kid. He looked as solid as Mize, but for this year? Meh.
Edwin Encarnacion – 2-for-4 and two solo homers (3, 4). Wonder if Nelson Cruz ever looks at Edwin and he’s like, “That’ll be me in three years,” then is like, “Wait, he’s younger than me?”
Nate Pearson – Hit the IL with elbow tightness. In the immortal words of Dewey from Malcolm in the Middle, “I expect nothing and I’m still let down.”
Randal Grichuk – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 5th and 6th homer, 4th homer in the last four games, 17 homers in the last week, and it is glorious, isn’t it? Here’s what I said after his homer on Sunday, “He’s never hit just one home run that wasn’t followed by another home run in the next game. Yes, I realize that means he should hit something like 150 homers every normal season, but don’t think about it too long.” And that’s me quoting me! How many homers can Grichuk chuck before Grichuk stops chucking homers? I’d guess eight, unless that’s a rhetorical.
Mike Moustakas – 1-for-4 as he was activated from the IL. Kevin from ESPN’s “Get Him In Your Lineup” Department said, “I brought everyone in some brownies my neighbor made me. Be careful if you’re allergic to cranberries. Though…my neighbor called them ‘cranabis.'”
Nick Senzel – Hit the undisclosed-we-know-what-that-means IL. MLB is such a brilliant organization. Here’s the scenario: MLB two weeks ago, “Don’t do high-fives.” After a victory, Reds line up to do high-fives. A coach runs on field, “Senzel don’t high-five anyone!” Five days later, “Senzel is IL’d for reasons we can’t discuss.” How dumb do we appear?
Luis Castillo – 3 1/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 4.44. Castillo is making it increasingly difficult for me to justify putting in the time to learn how to say his name.
Trevor Bauer – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 0.68. Give Bauer all 7-inning complete games and the Cy Young. Let’s go!
Jesse Winker – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer. Kept that hotness right through the layoff like a bubbling test tube that you’d see from his doppelgänger, Beaker. Seriously, google “Jesse Winker neck.”
Eugenio Suarez – 2-for-3 and a slam (3) and legs (1), hitting, okay, ignore that for now. Let’s go, Eugenio, and all his owners, you Eugeniuses!
Nick Castellanos – 2-for-3, 2 runs and his 9th homer. The Greek God of Hard Contact’s homer led to one of the most bizarre home run calls ever. Right into the Judgement-Free Zone:
Thom Brennaman paused mid-apology for a home run call. You can’t even make this shit up. https://t.co/XhsieUeA5T
— Razzball (@Razzball) August 20, 2020
Brad Keller – 6 2/3 IP, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 0.00. Keller beat the Reds Senzeless. Thanks, Coach Sullivan!
Matt Harvey – 3 IP, 3 ER in his 1st start for the Royals. Every year a new team’s fans talk about how Matt Harvey is such a steal if he can stay healthy, a tradition like none other.
Jesus Luzardo – 6 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.67. I know we’re not even halfway through this season (ha!), but it’s gonna be hard for me to not rank Luzardo in the top 25 starters next year.
Rougned Odor – 2-for-4 and his 3rd homer, hitting .180. Fun fact! Odor could go 2-for-4 every game and he’d be hitting below .200. Don’t ask how, facts are facts.
Lance Lynn – 7 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 1.37 vs. Chris Paddack – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.26. This matchup was billed as, “Grey had both of these guys in a ton of leagues, couldn’t I get one damn win?! Two no decisions? Are you serious?! Dubya tee eff!” Unofficial matchup billing name, obviously.
Rafael Montero – 1 1/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 4.26. For the sake of everyone that rosters you, you can’t just walk in the winning run vs. giving up a grand slam? This feels like common sense.
Jurickson Profar – 1-for-4, 2 runs and his 4th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. Hot schmotato alert!
Fernando Tatis Jr. – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 12th homer. Fun the Jewels is going to go 25/15 in only 60 games, isn’t he?
Manny Machado – 2-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 6th homer, hitting .22222222…2222222….22222…2222. Okay, you get the picture. Like he got the pitcher, Rafael Montero.
Aaron Civale – 9 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.91. I want to just test a theory. Can the Indians trade for Steven Matz and start him? Beginning to think anyone they start is a good starter. Streamonator did like this start, and not Civale’s next one vs. the Twins, and can understand that.
Carlos Santana – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer, and 2nd homer in the last two games. Oye como yay!
Steven Brault – 5 IP, 0 ER, 2 hits, 1 walk, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.00. ‘Member that voodoo magic Trevor Williams was drinking a couple years ago? Well, Brault’s stirring a cauldron of frog tails and witches’ areolae. Lack of Ks makes him only interesting in very deep leagues.
Yonny Chirinos – Hit the IL with an elbow strain. “Damn it and these new strains!” That’s pitchers and dispensary employees labeling new product.
Tyler Glasnow – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 6.00. Anything over 3 IP is a “Tampa Bay Rays’ Quality Start.”
Luke Voit – 1-for-2 and his 9th homer. Luke Voit and the final 60 games of any season? Find a more iconic duo.
Gerrit Cole – 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 2.75. Sure, it’s okay. But I’d ask for a refund for the time it took you to read whichever fantasy ‘pert told you you had to draft a top starter in a short season.
Pablo Lopez – 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.42. Loved Pab-Lo going into this year, and I own him in a few leagues, because he was basically free in drafts. First real challenge for him coming up in his next start, and I’m ready, which is the most important thing.
Rich Hill – 2 2/3 IP, 4 ER as he was activated from the IL. And…he’s…back to the IL…Well, not yet back on the IL, but I think if I stall long enough to end this sentence it might happen before I finish…Anything? Guess not, but soon.
Marwin Gonzalez – 2-for-4 and his 3rd homer. Marwin feels like the exact opposite of Grichuk, in that Marwin never homers in back-to-back games. Watch it happen now.
Ryan Braun – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer, hitting .237, as he hit leadoff. Counsell’s having a hard time finding a leadoff hitter, vacillating between Avisail, Sogard, Omar Narvaez (yes, he hit leadoff), and now Braun. Maybe Counsell doesn’t even mean for these guys to hit leadoff, but when you hold the pen so weirdly over your head while filling out the lineup card it makes it hard to judge the lines.
Keston Hiura – 3-for-4, 2 runs and 6th homer, hitting .247. A five spot says Hiura is hitting .315 by this time next week. A bet that I will either forget about or demand you pay up if it’s right. C’mon, who’s in?
Avisail Garcia – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 2nd homer. For next year’s All-Star Game Home Run Derby, they should have Avisail vs. Nomar Mazara and watch as they each hit one 550-foot homer.
Christian Yelich – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer, hitting .205. Woof on that average. Get your shizz together, otherwise Christian is gonna make a lot of believers into non-believers.
Rafael Devers – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .231 and his ERA is at–Wait, sorry, I saw Devers make a 57 MPH throw from 3rd and confused Devers with one of the Red Sox’s starters.
Johnny Cueto – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 4.35. Has been your standard “That’s great for a deep league, but I can’t hold that in a shallower league” pitcher.
Austin Slater – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer, hitting .341. The top three hitters in the Giants’ lineup are better than your favorite team. For that matter, Wilmer Flores (2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 5th homer, hitting .301) hasn’t been bad either.
Tony Gonsolin – Optioned to the alternate training site. Obviously, the Dodgers have confused alternate training with alternative thinking.
Julio Urias – 1 2/3 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 2.74. Good news is there was no reported injury. The bad news is everything else. The worse news is I’m expecting to hear about an injury today.
Max Muncy – 1-for-3 and his 6th homer. Gonna start calling him The Fugitive, because he only needs one arm to kill it.
Cody Bellinger – 1-for-4 and his 5th homer, hitting .178. Tweaking his swing to use a 90-degree launch angle might not have been the best move.
Joc Pederson – 1-for-4 and his 4th homer. Assuming Dave Roberts doesn’t randomly sit Pederson for no reason, Joc will now go on one of his trademark five-home-runs-in-seven-games stretches.
Dylan Moore – 2-for-5, 2 runs and a slam (5) and legs (6), hitting .297. Not even going to look at our Player Rater, but can promise you that 5 HRs and 6 SBs with a solid average is a lot higher than you would’ve guessed.
Austin Nola – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .279. If you showed up at your draft this year with a neck-full of beads and only drafted Nolas, you’d be doing all right for fantasy and might’ve got Bob from accounting to flash his chest.
Daniel Vogelbach – Designated for assignment. His assignment is to find someone else to feed him.
Alec Mills – 3 2/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 4.76. The Regression Fairies have a Hello Kitty cellphone case and will destroy your ratios.
Ian Happ – 2-for-6 and his 6th homer, hitting .315. Right now as I am typing this, even as I stretch out what I’m typing by typing the same words over and over and over, Happ is owned in less than 50% of leagues. Are people checked out and looking at our 2020 fantasy football rankings? Is this just a sloppy way of clickbaiting you? Who’s to say!
Matt Carpenter – 2-for-7, 4 RBIs and his 1st homer. Carpenter really nailed it!
Jack Flaherty – 1 2/3 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 3.12 and out after 41 pitches. He’s on pace for 16 IP this year. Whee! Not sure what advice to give on Flaherty. Can you sell him? That seems unlikely. Can you drop him? That doesn’t seem wise either. Guess ride it out, but you are never going to get your value back for where you drafted him. Sorry, it sucks.
Johan Oviedo – 5 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.60 vs. Adbert Alzolay – 5 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 0.00. This pitching matchup looks like top-tier Scrabble plays. Alzolay is a great bingo!
