“Hey, Stream-o-Nator, I have a surprise for you.” The Stream-o-Nator backs up slightly, unsure of what I’m going to do to its tender robot heart. The Stream-o-Nator was born in a scrapyard run by Steven Avery’s family. Not the Making a Murderer guy, the ex-Braves pitcher. The story of how it got separated from its family is similar to Sophie’s Choice, but sadder and involves more heavy metal. Suffice it to say, the Stream-o-Nator is longing for any connection, electrical or otherwise. This brings us to yesterday’s matchup and why I sought the Stream-o-Nator. Gently approaching the 8-foot robot, “It’s a good surprise. I wanna be your friend.” The Stream-o-Nator swoons, playing Just The Two Of Us on its chest-implanted boombox. Perhaps my friendship is simply what have you done for me lately, but Andrew Heaney was enough for me to be bothered with late-night phone calls when the robot is feeling blue Raspberry Pi. Heaney went 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 12 Ks, lowering his ERA to 3.98. (Reynaldo Lopez wasn’t bad either — 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 4.22). For this year, due to how few starts are left, I’m looking at the Stream-o-Nator for every start, and it loves Heaney for his next start. “I’m here for you robot pal. C’mon, high-five me!” Stream-o-Nator’s arm falls off and it sighs. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
Jose Abreu – Will return today from the DL after he had his testicular torsion repaired. Or if a mechanic is reading, he needed repairs done to his balls’ bearings.
Gregory Polanco – Done for the remainder of the season with a bone bruise. He sustained the injury when he was doing a Triple Lindy into 2nd base without first putting his hand under his armpit, making fart noises.
Ivan Nova – 6 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 4.17. Guess who streamed him? This guy with two thumbs digging out his thong wedgie! Stream-o-Nator hates his next start though, so I’m dropping him (as soon as I untangle my thumbs).
Adam Plutko – 4 2/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 5.35. Plutko sounds like a sex act that would make you grimace at its sight, much like this start.
Francisco Lindor – 2-for-5 and his 34th homer, hitting .285. Yes, I have ulterior motives to root for this, but imagine Lindor gets 40 homers. People weren’t sure he could hit 25+ again! I’m cackling like a mothereffing hyena.
Thomas Pannone – 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 4.13. His fastball is 88 MPH and his K/9 is 5.7. I just vomited onto the floor and my undigested corn spelled out, “Not good.”
Eduardo Rodriguez – 3 1/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.64. Tom Cruise couldn’t even do a vacant-eyed laugh at that, Ed-Rod. Assuming he’s healthy, the Stream-o-Nator loves his next start and I see no reason to not start him.
J.D. Martinez – 1-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 40th homer. Just Dong It because Nike needs an NG.
Charlie Morton – 5 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.15. Better start vs the Sawx than I would’ve expected from him right off the DL, and threw more (pitches), but a 5 IP, 2 ER isn’t exactly Nolan Ryan giving Robin Ventura’s wife a Plutko and making Robin watch.
Marwin Gonzalez – 1-for-4 and his 15th homer. Maybe it just feels this way, but every time he homers I look at his stats and he’s done nothing in the previous week.
Carlos Gomez – 1-for-4 and his 9th homer. I had a joke setup I was gonna do that went something like this, “You know how they say (fill-in activity) kills brain cells, well, every time the Rays play Carlos Gomez it kills a bit of this organization’s brain cells.” So, I Googled “what kills brain cells,” and the first thing listed in Quora is “a gunshot to the head.” Technically, I cannot argue with that.
Brandon Lowe – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 4th homer in 73 ABs. That’s a 28-homer pace in 500 ABs. Mr Prorater throws open the door, “If you don’t share a lobster dinner, every third person will say, ‘You’re so shellfish.'” Is that even prorating, Mr. Prorater? “Yes.”
Joey Votto – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 11th homer. Scooter Gennett almost hit half that many in one game! Jokes aside, where does Votto get drafted next year? Top 75? Top 100? You know ESPN and Yahoo are going to be way higher on him than me. I’m ready to pull the pin and be done with him for good.
Matt Harvey – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 4.87. I’m having my mother-in-law sew me a throw pillow for me to scream into every time someone asks next year about drafting Matt Harvey. *sing-songy* Thank you, Mother Cougs.
Luis Urias – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer. The only question is if I own Urias in all leagues in 2019 or almost all leagues. You haven’t seen anything until Grey gets excited for a middle infielder. He goes full Gyorko. And into third person.
Eric Hosmer – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 16th homer, and 3rd in as many games. Podcaster Ralph and I talk about Hosmer (and Votto) on the next podcast, and, let me just say, because we talked about them, they homered. You’re welcome.
Felix Hernandez – 4 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 5.46, and left early with hamstring tightness. Will be interesting to see if he can reinvent himself at some point like CC and Verlander, because F-her’s been F-Him for a while now.
Clay Buchholz – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks. He’s thrown 98 1/3 IP, so the sample size is no longer small — that’s what you wish she said! — and guess what his ERA is. Nah, homey, you’re way high. Still high. Lower! Forget it, his ERA is 2.01. As his teammate Greinke would say, zoinks!
Robbie Ray – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners (4 BBs), 6 Ks, ERA at 4.18. If I would’ve started him, it would’ve been a complete game shart.
Brad Boxberger – 1/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 4.41. He’s going through one of those stretches where he looks like he’s going to blow the game as he enters the game. Try Brad Ziegler! I keed. Kinda — keenda? Ziegler might see a save or two, but I’d guess Bradley is next in line, unless the Diamondbacks want to blow off the playoffs. Also, Hirano has a 1.91 ERA, but he hasn’t been tried as the closer once all year. Are we sure the Diamondbacks realize a lower ERA is better?
Touki Toussaint – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners (5 BBs), 5 Ks, ERA at 3.31. I love everything about this kid, and I bet he’s a top 20 starter within two years, but this is 2018 (sorry to shock you), and I’m using the Stream-o-Nator for The Toukster. Word up.
Ronald Acuna Jr. – 2-for-3, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and a slam (25) and legs (14), hitting .293. Tildaddy says it’s time to move off the couch so he can watch TV!
Johan Camargo – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 18th homer, and 3rd homer in the last four games. Camargo’s a hot schmotato, and there were some chicken around Wade Boggs would be in heat.
Christin Stewart – 0-for-1 pinch-hitting, as he was called up by the Tigers. Prospector Ralph said, “The king of the three outcome bats, Stewart has 30 home run hitter written all over him, but that might be his penchant for tattoos. He’s a muscle-bound slugger with advanced approach, and the ability to barrel balls consistently. He’s done a good job of curbing his strikeout rate and fighting the urge to be overly pull happy. This is its own tier, it’s called, “I’m not Steven Moya, I swear! I’m also not Grey, thankfully.” Damn, yo! Stewart is almost assuredly going to get a rookie outlook post from me this offseason, but for this year it’s a needs thing. Do you needs power upside?
Jack Flaherty – 5 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.92. Shut him down, you turdmakers!
Carlos Martinez – 1 IP, 0 ER and his 2nd save. I wonder if a young man in a life preserver went to The Shildt Head’s house late one night, and played a tape recording of Darth Vader’s voice saying, “Carlos Martinez is your closer destiny.” I own Jordan Hicks in a couple of leagues, but I could see dropping him at some point this week if I need room and C-Mart gets one more save.
Walker Buehler – 6 IP, 4 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.09. Shut him down, you diaper lickers!
Kyle Freeland – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.91, ERA in Coors at 2.21. I’m streaming on the reg (I’m a millennial!), but I have held Freeland in two mixed leagues for over two months.
Nolan Arenado – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 32nd homer. My shoulder has been bothering me so I spent $450/month for health insurance and just spent another $22,000 on an MRI, but before I have someone look at the results, I’m going to put my chart haphazardly on this window sill–NOOOOO!!! Torenado!!! The irony because I think Arenado’s shoulder is hindering him too. Hopefully it can hold up for another few weeks, but I can’t say I’m not concerned for next year. Shoulder injuries quickly sideline hitters’ careers.
Charlie Blackmon – 3-for-4, 3 runs and his 25th and 26th homer, and three homers in two games. I was down on Chazz Noir this preseason compared to others, and he’s not exactly erasing all my concerns.
Enrique Hernandez – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 20th homer. I don’t want to you sob into your pumpkin spice latte so I won’t list all the guys who have less homers than Kike who should have more.
Justin Turner – 4-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 13th homer. Coors where everyone is as good as Bruce Springsteen singing One Headlight.
Trevor Cahill – 2 2/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 3.77. I hope someone was standing outside the A’s clubhouse yesterday when the players exited, screaming, “Do you know what your home ERA was entering today’s game?! Huh, Cahill?!”
Rhys Hoskins – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 30th homer, and his 3rd straight game with a homer. Praise to Rhysus! Now please put a blessing on Torenado’s shoulder. I need a windstorm!
Carlos Santana – 1-for-4 and his 23rd homer, and third homer this week. Oye como yay!
Michael Conforto – 2-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 23rd homer, and his 2nd homer in as many games, and his 4th homer in the last week, and just got bumped up 25 spots in next year’s drafts. Now stop, please!
Jeff McNeil – 3-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI, hitting .340 and hitting near-.400 in the last week. Hot schmotato alert!
Noah Syndergaard – 6 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 17 baserunners (!), 4 Ks, ERA at 3.44. He left after taking a line drive off his rib cage, which was the nicest thing that could’ve happened to him since he was up to 109 pitches and 17 baserunners. No one is talking about what a weak sauce 2nd half he’s having, and then suddenly next year, when he struggles in April, people will be like, “Whoa, that came out of nowhere.” No, it’s not.
Jacob deGrom – Was scratched due to inclement weather. Sounds like a reason a stripper looks for other work. “I just couldn’t make it rain enough.”
Madison Bumgarner – 6 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.30. Everyone will be higher on Bumgarner next year than me.
Jonathan Schoop – 1-for-4, 5 RBIs and his 21st homer, hitting .238 (hitting .217 on the Brewers). Going into Sunday’s game, he was in the bottom ten for Hard Contact this year (27.4%). Real quick shorthand: A guy who relies on homers for fantasy value does not want to be in a weak contact crapfecta with guys like Scott Kingery, Jose Iglesias and Mallex Smith.
Jimmy Nelson – Won’t be back in 2018. If only I had a DeLorean to go back to March to give a self-satisfied laugh at everyone drafting him because they had a DL spot to spare. Sure, I could go back to March and do more productive things, but a cup of smug fills the soul.
Gio Gonzalez – 5 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.40. He just needed a change of scenery! Dot dot dot. Which is what a Fox Sports announcer would say. Reality, he was facing a terrible hitting team. “Brett Gardner’s jawline looks sculpted by Rodin.” That’s also what one specific Fox Sports announcer would say. By the way, if Brett Gardner’s head had a baby with Andrelton Simmons, you’d have an alien from Mars Attacks!
Ervin Santana – Won’t pitch again this year. The Twins hold a $14 million option for him next year, so he has no chance of being back with them, but, before you worry he might be out of baseball, he had PRP treatments. Do I hear a reunion with the Angels?!
Willians Astudillo – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer. He looks like a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle. Leonardo, Donatello, Astudillo and Raphael?
Jorge Lopez – 8 IP, 1 ER, 1 hit, 1 walk, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.40, and carried a perfect game into the 9th inning on Saturday. Some things you need to know about him. Whenever he hears the Aflac duck, he screams, and tears up; he’s from the Bronx, and was a Fly Girl on In Living Color. *intern whispers in my ear* J. Lo, yes, that’s who I’m talking about. Not Jorge Lopez? Hmm… Okay, Lopez has 94 MPH fastball, has four pitches, adding a slider this year, and is throwing a ton of breaking stuff. His command vacillates between mid-3 and low-4 BB/9 and doesn’t have the Ks to assuage those concerns. Saturday appears to be a career game, until we see more. Though, now that he’s dating A-Rod maybe he’s figured out things. Damn, wrong J. Lo again.
Adalberto Mondesi – 1-for-4 and his 7th homer. I’m loving his new home run trot. After he homers, he screams, “No, you have daddy issues!” As for fantasy, it’s goofy how few leagues he’s owned in. And not goofy good, like when your girl puts her long hair over her lip so it looks like she has a mustache. But goofy bad like when she does that during sex.