“I should have four remotes.” That’s Mark Whiten as he clicks on his TV remote, and breaks it because of his strength. He was going to check out, Alex Dickerson (5-for-6, 5 runs, 6 RBIs and his 5th, 6th and 7th homer, hitting .261) to make sure Dickerson didn’t hit four ding-dongs in one game like Hard Hittin’ Mark Whiten. For some reason, I’m hearing Lil Wayne sing, “She Alex Dickerson,” and it’s making me horny as my daydreams dance to Alex Dickerson actually on any of my fantasy teams. Take a lap around your desk on your office rolly chair if you were one of the 1.9% who owned Dickerson last night. You’re living right. If you’re a time traveler who came back to a pandemic just to roster Alex Dickerson for one game, then you are an absolute nutbag, but props. Also, in this game, everyone had bazinga glory, except Jon Gray (2 2/3 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 6.69). Between him and Sonny Gray, I might take my cue, and not go outside the rest of the week. Brandon Crawford went 3-for-6, 3 runs, 6 RBIs with a slam (4) and legs (1), hitting .280. “I’m drunk, man.” “Yeah, you’re on a Bra-Craw.” Also, Donovan Solano went 4-for-6, 2 runs, 6 RBIs, as he hits .345. Donovan then sang, “It’s the Season of the Pitch, but not for you Rockies.” Yes, there were three guys in the Giants’ lineup with 6 RBIs. Wait…666…And you can’t spell San Francisco Giants without Satan. AHHH!!! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Garrett Hampson – 2-for-3, and his 3rd and 4th homer, hitting .260. Bud Black’s little peanut brain prolly thinks Hampson is only good in September, because he excelled at the end of last year, never putting it together that Hampson might actually be good all year if he played him.

Jazz Chisholm – Called up because there’s no one on the Marlins, and I mean no one, who thinks Jon Berti should ever have a starting job. “Isan Diaz might not be ready for a week.” Mattingly hears the news and thinks about what he can do, then Jon Berti walks through on his hands, trying to get his attention like Santa’s Little Helper. Mattingly finally responds, “I guess we need Jazz Chisholm.” Or Cap’n Jetes heard some grumblings about trading away Caleb Smith and Zac Gallen, and Jeter, unable to be disliked by anyone, decided to show off his Gallen trade piece. So, Jazz Chisholm might not be up long, due to La Isan Bonita and not Berti, but let’s see what Prospect Hobbs said about him, “So the question becomes, did Jeter and Michael Hill pull the trigger for Chisholm because they had hard data, or at the very least, a mechanical adjustment, to help improve Chisholm’s ability to consistently make contact? If not, why even make the deal? Did they really want another Lewis Brinson/Monte Harrison type, or does Jazz represent a sturdier building block — smooth Jazz, if you will? Chisholm’s sample size in a Marlins uni is far too small to tell, but he did continue to rake in the Puerto Rican Winter League (.286/.333/.457) in an 11-game cameo over the offseason. The natural tools are there and all have the ability to develop into above average-to-plus, with the exception of the hit tool, which may only ever be average at best. The variance in Chisholm’s floor and ceiling make him a risky investment in dynasty formats, and although I don’t think Chisholm ever achieves quite the MLB career that Javier Baez has, the comps from a risk-reward standpoint are clearly there, unlike Grey, who is clearly not there.” What the aitch, my dude? There’s another 1500 words at his Jazz Chisholm fantasy, which I suggest people read. For this year, I don’t mind the flyer, but so far my Jazz hands are empty.

Starling Marte – 1-for-4, 2 runs and his 3rd homer. Hook, line and don’t throw that sinker to Starling the Marlin. The Marlins should bring back planking, but call it plankton, and drape seaweed off their shoulders.

Jon Berti – 2-for-2, and his 2nd homer, hitting .263. Quick, Mattingly, get him out of the lineup!

Daniel Vogelbach – Designated for assignment. Sadly, with the addition of a few new guys from trades, Vogelbach was unable to be kept around because he didn’t allow enough room for social distancing in the dugout.

Robbie Ray – 3 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks, as he entered out of the bullpen. He only allowed one walk, which means he’s fixed. Aw, I’m just messin’. Robbie without BB is just Roie, and that isn’t even a name.

Zack Britton – 1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 1.80, as he returned from the IL. Has Aroldis got a save yet? Oh em gee, he got his first last night, as he almost decapitated Brosseau. “Whoa,” that’s what Brosseau.

Masahiro Tanaka – 6 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.38. This is irrelevant for this year (like a lot of this shizz is relevant), but Tanaka feels like a guy who does well until the playoffs, then he breaks the Yankees fans’ hearts.

DJ LeMahieu – 2-for-4 and two homers (3, 4), hitting .402. I learned my lesson with LeMahieu. He’s now in my Chazz Noir file folder called: Trust Falls Until They Let You Down. (Though, Noir isn’t exactly hitting .400 anywhere.)

Trevor Richards – 4 2/3 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 4.91. Oh, hell no. Nope, nope, nope! We can’t have anyone who so closely sounds like one of the T. Rogerses. I’m sorry, change your name.

Kevin Kiermaier – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer, and 3rd homer in the last three games, and how many times do I have to tell you to grab him?

Willy Adames – 3-for-3, 2 runs and his 5th homer, hitting .316. Adames is having himself a sneaky good season that will likely go largely underappreciated this year, but could see a buying opportunity for 2021. No one sleeps on my Willy except for me!

Andrew McCutchen – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 5th homer, hitting .370 in the last week, and two homers in the last three games. Not sure if he’s available, but the Anknee McClutchin’ has been hot.

Alec Bohm – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer, hitting .291. Siri, play Spoon’s You Got Yr. Cherry Bohm. “Yes, Grey, calling SUNY Albany about your bomb–” WHAT?! No, Siri!

Aaron Nola – 8 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 2.45. If only my name was Nola Albright, so I subconsciously drafted Nola in every league instead of Sonny Gray.

Justin Turner – Hit the IL with a hamstring strain. This is less ugh for me, but Cody Bellinger sitting out with a “sore lat” is a lot bigger ugh. Guys and five girl readers, the Dodgers might be starting to rest guys for the playoffs. They likely already have home field in Texas wrapped up.

Julio Urias – 6 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.27 vs. Alex Young – 5 IP, 2 ER, 11 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.50. So, Rob Manfred only used SuperBalls in games where my pitchers went? Cool.

Andrew Benintendi – Might not return this year. If only the Red Sox rotation could join him.

Ian Anderson – 6 IP, 2 ER, 3 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.25. Streamonator doesn’t love his next start vs. the Nats, but I’m starting Ian Anderson everywhere until he roofies my internal organs into a bucket.

Marcell Ozuna – 3-for-5, 6 RBIs and his 9th, 10th and 11th homer. If life were fair, every hitter would get a chance for a Home Run Derby against the Red Sox. OZUNA agree. OZUNA knows life is not fair because he can’t get a deep-fried Oreo in clubhouse.

Ke’Bryan Hayes – 2-for-5, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer in his 1st game. Who are you, Cole Tucker? Save some wonderful for your career. I do like Hayes a lot, but he’s not a huge power threat, though his homer yesterday was a drive to the deepest part of PNC, which is a hike.

Ian Happ – 3-for-6, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer, hitting .304. Have yourself a goofy 60-game season, Happ!

Ariel Jurado – 4 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 11.25. The road to Ariel Jurado is paved with hits.

Andres Gimenez – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. It’s so awesome to see this guy breaking out for the Mets, which is why it makes me think the Mets will now send him down to make room for Todd Frazier.

Robinson Cano – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 7th homer, and about the 19th time in the last week I’ve mentioned him. Not saying that in a 60-game season no one’s testing for PEDs, but, well, I am saying that.

Renato Nunez – 2-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 8th and 9th homer. Isn’t Renato some kind of boat race? Perfect because he’s cruising.

Anthony Santander – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 11th homer, hitting .278. The Orioles may not be good, but that’s because of their pitching. Don’t underestimate, and I can’t stress this enough after stressing it by saying I can’t stress it enough, their hitting.

Elvis Andrus – 1-for-4 and his 1st homer, as he was activated from the IL, i.e., Elvis has entered the building.

Framber Valdez – 7 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.58. He’s the Astros starter to have. Just like we drew it up in January, February, March, April, May, June and July.

Zach Plesac – 6 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 1.33, as he was called up. A very apologetic Zach Plesac dedicated his start to the emergency responders, then held up a packet of Emergen-C, possibly confusing the two.

Francisco Lindor – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer, hitting .270. Still time for him to salvage this season, but he needs a straight giddy up for like three weeks.

Josh Naylor – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 1 RBI, hitting .286. Not to interupt the roundup with actual fantasy advice, but Naylor is the everyday left fielder, and has a solid bat. Cyclops or pickup, you make the call! By the way, ‘member for the last 20 years I’ve been saying with interleague it’s so stupid that box scores start new on counting stats when guys change leagues. So, not sure if it’s the new standard, but seeing box scores for Naylor show .286 average but one total RBI on the year, so they’re only half-stupid now.

Franmil Reyes – 5-for-5, 2 runs, and his 8th homer, hitting .323. He came a triple short of the cycle, or what they call a $54 Vending Machine Steak Cycle.

Byron Buxton – 2-for-4, 1 RBI as he was activated from the IL. Do we have time for him to get injured one or two more times this year? I’m gonna say two, but it could be tight.

Michael Pineda – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks in his 1st start back from suspension. Wow, I would’ve bet all the money I have…*reaches into pocket*…45 cents that Pineda would’ve been lit up by the White Sox. Streamonator loves his next start vs. the Tigers, and I’d get in on him.

Matt Wisler – 1 IP, 0 ER and the save. Ha, I have no idea. Taylor Rogers might’ve been resting after going day before, but he might also be out. Think it’s weird Baldelli went to Wisler to close the game? Miguel Sano (0-for-5) was the leadoff man, so get in line with that weird, it’s gotta wait its turn.

Josh Lindblom – 5 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 6.46. You know who’s so underwhelming I want to call him, Gosh Underwhelm? I’ll let you guess.

Christian Yelich – 2-for-4 and his 9th homer, hitting .207. “Miguel Sano, why do you want me to put my finger in this Chinese Finger Trap while this voodoo priest puts a spell on us?” Sano smiles evilly at the camera, then, “Oh, no reason, Christian.”

Victor Reyes – 4-for-6, 2 runs, 5 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .303. Tigers scored 12 runs and I honestly struggled to find one guy to mention who was owned anywhere. Grayson Greiner (1-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer) is nice if you want to name a mansion after someone, but for fantasy? Meh.

JaCoby Jones – Out for the year with a fractured hand. Thankfully, he only needs to put an ampersand between his names, and he’s qualified to sue someone for damages.

Sonny Gray – 2/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 3.19. This felt like I was getting waterboarded by myself. What have you wrought, Gray? Is this what self-hate feels like? “Have you no mercy?!” That’s me screaming at myself in the mirror. Sonny, and I both got Corleone’d!

Kwang-Hyun Kim – 5 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 0.83. I wish I owned him in all leagues. Do I trust him? Not especially, but hitters might be completely unfamiliar with him, and he can carry that for all of six more starts.

Kolten Wong – 4-for-4, 4 runs, 2 RBI, hitting .256. That was through five innings, before he was replaced. Mike Shildt didn’t want the Reds to get confused and try to hang a white flag from Wong.

Brad Miller – 4-for-6, 3 runs, 7 RBIs and his 3rd and 4th homer. Brad Miller > Mike Trout, who says no? Okay, obviously Miller is hot yadda-blabbity-bloo, but can we just briefly cackle that the Reds were buyers at the deadline literally 27 hours earlier and now are six games under .500? The Ghost of Marge Schott is queefing in hell at that blunder.

Raisel Iglesias – Will remain in the closer role, which is what I assumed when I chucked out my window my 60 Minutes Ed Bradley bobblehead that I drew Archie Bradley’s face on.