Beltre First Texas Ranger To Reach 3,000 Hits Since Chuck Norris

Adrian Beltre was promoted to the Dodgers the same year I moved to Los Angeles.  I distinctly remember listening to AM sports radio a lot that summer, and, man, did people in LA hate Beltre.  With justification too, he struggled for six seasons.  When he finally broke out in 2004 (48 HRs, .334), no one believed it.  If you would’ve told people in LA, Beltre would be a surefire Hall of Famer, they would’ve thought you were related to him.  This would be the same as now saying Nick Castellanos will be a Hall of Famer in 14 years.  Yesterday, Beltre went 1-for-5, 2 runs and secured his place in history with his 3,000th hit.  Good on, Beltre, may all your cheap beers and head remain untapped.  As for fantasy, well, doesn’t mean anything, but it’s a hat tip, while a hat pat is forbidden.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Rougned Odor – 3-for-4, 5 RBIs and his 21st and 22nd homers, hitting .221.  Now here’s a preseason Hall of Fame candidate, according to me!

Nomar Mazara – 1-for-4, 2 runs and his 13th homer, as he bats third.  He’s hitting near-.333 in the last week, and could start being schmotatoey again after a long drought.

Jeremy Hellickson – Traded to the O’s.  Only the O’s staff could make Hellickson appear to be an upgrade.   “Let’s see, the 5.50 ERA guy will slot in right before the 5.35 ERA guy, and after the 6.25 ERA guy.  Think we got a contender now!”

Kevin Gausman – 8 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 10 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 5.37.  Wow, this guy has turned his entire season around in a hurry.  Or in a curry, if an Indian is reading.  In the 2nd half, his opponent’s batting average is down to .258 from .317; his K/9 is up to 11 from 7.7; his walk rate is down a half a walk (which is about 45 feet); his xFIP is down from 4.90 to 3.04 and his ground balls went from 41% to 54%.  Would I grab him willy and/or nilly in all leagues?  Yes, it’s time to go back in on him.

Jonathan Schoop – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 24th homer, and third homer in the last four games.  I get the sense that Schoop will never get preseason love.  He can hit 30+ homers and .300+ and not get drafted in the first five rounds.  No idea why.

Welington Castillo – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 10th homer.  Where’s the boeuf?!

A.J. Ramos – 1 IP, 2 ER in the 8th yesterday.  Traded to the Mets.  Leave it to the Mets to make the most puzzling deadline move.  “Guys, we’re not going to compete this year.  It’s just not going to happen.  We need to sell off pieces.  Ooh…. The Marlins wanna give us Ramos?  Okay!”  It’s like when you go into the supermarket for eggs, and you’re like, “I know we didn’t need pearl onions, but they were on sale!”  In Florida, Brad Ziegler will close, and should be more than capable.

Addison Reed –  With the trade for Ramos, the Mets have no choice but to trade Reed.  Once again, not the greatest bargaining tool.  It’s like, “Sorry, son, you’re not going to get a car when you turn 17.”  “But you just bought yourself a new car.”  “Oh, yeah, we do have an extra car now.  Okay, you can have a car.  But you’re not having me fill it with gas.”  “But you just struck a deal with OPEC for 80 barrels of petroleum.”  “Damn, right again!”

Mitch Haniger – Sidelined after taking a deGrom fastball off his mouth.  Imagine they find a tooth on the ground, then put it in his mouth only later to realize it’s Aaron Judge’s tooth he lost the other day during a celebration.  “Um, Mitch, why do you have a piece of a picket fence in your mouth?”

James Paxton – 6 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.68.  He was wobbly as all get-out when he first returned from the DL, but he hasn’t given up more than two runs in any game in July, lowering his ERA from 3.44 on June 27th.

Leonys Martin – 2-for-4 and his 1st homer.  I told you he was a sleeper!  *slowly walks out of the room, accidentally walks into room filled with people who drafted Leonys because of me*  Oh, hey.

Troy Tulowitzki – Likely out for the year with ligament damage in his ankle.  After moving north, his leg problems have moved south.  If he heads to the North Pole, he can finally shake the injuries.

Ezequiel Carrera – 3-for-5, 3 runs and his 8th homer.  Nah, there’s no Capri Sun straws being stuck in baseballs to juice them, only, ya know, a guy like Ezequiel who likely never hit eight homers in Little League is suddenly beasting.

Kevin Pillar – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 12th homer, was hitting .095 in the last week entering play on Sunday, i.e., Pillar’s hitting has been statuesque.

Albert Pujols – 3-for-5, 3 runs, 4 RBIs and two home runs (15, 16).  A Pujols by any other name would not smell as sweet.  Literally.  Pujolses are not known for their sweet smell.

Kole Calhoun – Will undergo an MRI on Monday for his hamstring.  Good news for all of you in one of those weird 30×30 leagues with MRIs as a category.

Bud Norris – 1/3 IP and his 2nd grand slam allowed in three appearances, ERA up to 3.89, up from 2.23 in a week.  Donnie Moore’s ghost caught the Angels’ bullpen collapse and finally found peace.  By the way, all the fantasy people talking about Steve Pearce hitting two walk-off grand slams in a week.  Um, cool, but Norris is owned in 50% of leagues and Pearce hasn’t been owned in 50% of leagues in two years.

Collin McHugh – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.22 in two starts.  Don’t necessarily love him, but if you like him, he looks back to where he’s been in seasons past.  Velocity, Ks, walks, etc. etc. etc.  Be hesitant in shallower mixed leagues, but deeper leagues should be more confident in him.

Lance McCullers – 5 IP, 5 ER, ERA up to 3.92.  Hasn’t been right in about a month.  Wish the Astros would just DL him until September, and maybe we can get good McCullers down the stretch.  And for all of youse who are like, his matchups haven’t been good.  He was crushing bad matchups all year up until about a month ago, so, like Biz Markie said, I’m not even goin’ for it.

Justin Upton – 4-for-5, 2 runs, 6 RBIs and his 17th homer, hitting .281.  He’s hoping for a Verlander trade so he can stop being asked, “So you married Kate and took her last name?”  “Ugh, no, it’s the other Justin!”

James McCann – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 10th homer.  The Tigers have 21 homers from their two catchers, and are nine games under .500.  Yup, weird season.

German Marquez – 7 IP, 2 ER, 3 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 4.08.  His home/away splits are eerily similar.  Since he sounds like a Nazi that escaped prosecution, it’s only right that we look at his splits.

Dan Straily – 6 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.79.  Stream-o-Nator predicted a line of 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks and no win.  A third of an inning more, two more baserunners and one less K!  C’mon, Stream-o-Nator!

Luis Castillo – 8 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.56.  Due to having an ERA north of terrible in one league, I’m actually starting Castillo every time out, but I’d be lying if I told you I was at all confident in him.  Like a Mormon who’s misplaced their magic underpants, I got nothing else to lose.

Trevor Cahill – 4 IP, 5 ER in his first start with the Royals.  If one Royals’ member of management, fan or teammate is surprised Cahill is not good outside of Petco, I might lose my shizz, and I’m wearing spandex shorts, so it won’t be pretty.

Melky Cabrera – Traded to the Royals.  On our Player Rater, Melky has been almost three times better than Miggy.  Hopefully this knocks Alex Gordon from the Royals’ lineup, and spots him on the bench next to Olympic Strongman Drew Butera.

Rafael Devers – 1-for-3 and his 2nd homer.  This home run was an opposite field jobber over the Green Monster.  Said a’la Peter Sellers’ outtakes, “His name is Rafael, and he don’t take no jive turkey from no Western Union messenger.”

Drew Pomeranz – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.46, but had his win vacated by the Red Sox delay in trading for Addison Reed.  C’mon, Sawx, you know you want to kill Reed’s fantasy value.

Ivan Nova – 5 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.75.  This start was vs. the Padres, so please allow me to let out a long sigh-groan.  A sigroan, signoria, if the Pope is reading.

Andrew McCutchen – 3-for-3, 4 runs and three solo homers (20, 21, 22).  Why is three homers only 20-22?  Am I the only one confused by this?  As for McCutchen, the Zombino rises again.

Kirby Yates – 1 IP, 0 ER and the save on Saturday.  If Hand is dealt, Kirby’s over Maton’s for the weirdest full house.

Dusty Coleman – 1-for-4 and his 2nd homer, and 2nd homer in three games.  He’s thirty years old and hit .209 in Triple-A.  This Padres prospect is also known as Nadir Bupkis.

Leury Garcia – 1-for-4 and his 7th homer, as he hit leadoff.  Now to get Avisail back, so we can have a White Sox outfield of Garthreea, who sound like they’re from Barcelona.

Matt Davidson – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 21st homer, and 2nd homer in the last three games.  Hot schmotato alert!

Carlos Rodon – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 5.23.  I might need to go to Barnes & Noble and lie down in the sports section with the Baseball Almanac for the answer to this, but are there any pitchers with an under-5 ERA?

Kyle Hendricks – 5 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.80.  He’s only gone more than six innings in two starts this year.  Yo, Hendricks, you middle reliever?  Cause you’re starting games, so you don’t seem like a middle reliever.  Let me know, thanks.

John Lackey – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.87.  I legit can’t believe I made it out alive after starting Lackey in a two-start week.  Rather than knocking out his horse teeth, it makes me want to play something uplifting on his teeth like they’re a xylophone.

Victor Caratini – 1-for-4 and his 1st major league home run.  Doesn’t he sound like a leading man from the 1950s?  “The matinee with Victor Caratini and femme fatale, Jean Segura, was a lamentation of a bygone era before women were trying to work.”

Justin Wilson – Sent to the Cubs with Alex Avila for Jeimer Candelario, the almost Candy Man.  Wilson will setup Davis and Avila will backup Contreras, i.e., the rich get richer.  This will prolly put the kibosh on matinee idol, Victor Caratini, and will open up a wide field of potential replacements in Detroit to close.  I bet on Shane Greene to take over for Wilson, because the other option, Bruce Rondon, has an ERA of plus-12.  Says here, that’s not good.

Domingo Santana – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 18th homer.  Never rest on a Sunday.

Jacob Faria – 4 IP, 3 ER, ERA up to 2.93 vs. Jordan Montgomery – 2 2/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA up to 4.15.  The Regression Fairies obviously didn’t need to pee between innings.

Jaime Garcia – Traded to the Yankees, after being traded to the Twins about a week ago.  Garcia is a matchups streamer, and that obviously becomes less so in the AL East.

Jaime Garcia won his only game on the Twins. If the Twins win a Wild Card slot by one game, their team MVP has to be Garcia.

— Razzball (@Razzball) July 30, 2017

Greg Bird – Could return late-August.  Since Bird was about the 29th worst 1st baseman in the majors while he was healthy this year, it’s an upgrade if he replaces Chase Headley.

Aaron Judge – 0-for-4.  His average has fallen about fifty points in six weeks.  Yup.

Howie Kendrick – Traded to the Nationals to act as a Swiss Army knife and, if Dusty has any sense (questionable!), to platoon Wilmer Difo (great movie!), and Brian Goodwin.

Erick Fedde – 4 IP, 7 ER, in his 1st major league start.  Fedde wop!

Ryan Zimmerman – 3-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 23rd and 24th season.  Nothing like drafting a guy for five years and being disappointed season after season only to watch him finally be productive while not on your teams.  Nothing at all like it.  Maybe accidentally slamming your foot in a car door.  That might be similar.

Edwin Jackson – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.75, but 2.84 on the Nats.  Dusty is the Edwin Whisperer.

Brian Goodwin – 3-for-8, 3 runs and his 11th homer.  He had schmotatoness last week, and still seems to have it.

Jonathan Lucroy – Traded to the Rockies.  Miller Park is the 8th and Arlington is the 5th best stadium in the majors for offense, so, prior to us reaching around and Jerad Eickhoff’ing each other at the thought of Lucroy in Coors, Lucroy’s made Miller and Arlington look like Yellowstone at points in his career.  The Rangers are not a bad team for runs either.  Am I bidding aggressively in NL-Only?  Yeah, I’m bidding aggressively for Lucroy, but he’s nothing but a flyer in mixed leagues until he shows something.

Vince Velasquez – 7 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.91.  Like Winston Churchill should’ve said, if you put the VV real close together it likes a W for win.

Matt Kemp – Hit the DL with a hamstring strain.  If I ever had a chance to interview him, I’d say, “Member when you said you were going to go 50/50?”  Then I’d laugh hysterically.

Jim Johnson – 1/3 IP, 0 ER as he entered the 8th inning of a tied game.  Hmm, I can’t tell if the Braves were trying to use Johnson in a tight spot or if they were jerking him around.  Either way, his owners better grab Vizcaino just in case.

Yonder Alonso – 3-for-6, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 22nd homer, a walk-off homer.  After the game, he said, “I’m just happy to help my team,” then he asked the reporter to take a photo of him wearing a Yankees hat in case he needs to tweet it out later.

Bartolo Colon – 6 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 1 K, ERA at 7.70 vs. Jharel Cotton – 3 2/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 5.49.  This matchup was billed as, “Cotton vs. Colon:  The Cheap Man’s Cure For Diarrhea.”

Brian Dozier – 1-for-6 and his 17th homer.  Beginning to think last year’s Dozier when he hit, like, 40 2nd half homers might’ve been an aberration.

Lance Lynn – 6 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners (5 BBs), 3 Ks, ERA at 3.20.  Five over-the-internet dollars says Lynn gets traded somewhere and becomes immediately unusable.

Chris Owings – Out with a fractured middle finger.  With how he’s hit over the last month, his owners would happily give him a healthy middle finger.

Robbie Ray – Hit the concussion DL after being Gallagher’d in the melon on Friday.  Ray returned to shower in the clubhouse after being treated at a hospital for the concussion, which some are saying is a good sign, but are we not at all concerned he chose a clubhouse shower rather than his house, a hotel or even the condo he takes his side pieces to?  I mean, he’s making $570,000 this year.  Is he trying to save on water bills or did he forget where his favorite shower is?  This guy is a big part of my fantasy teams, and I’m concerned!