Happy Mother’s Day to all the baby’s mamas, mamas, mamas, baby mamas, mamas. Much respect to the mothers. Without my emergence from my mother’s vagina, I wouldn’t be able to bestow on you my fantasy baseball ‘pertness. We are one people and everyone has popped out of a mother’s vagina at one point, unless you’re an alien — I’m looking at you, Andrelton! — and with our emergence from our mother’s vagina — or that Cesarean stuff that I don’t fully understand — I say we should all live together, loving each other, and never speaking of Luis Castillo again, cause he sucks. Yesterday, the Jays called up Nate Pearson (2 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 4 hits, 5 walks) and he couldn’t find the plate, obviously. There was one inning there where it felt like I aged ten years, and I was still younger than Nelson Cruz. Nate Pearson shouldn’t be judged on one start. His stuff is as electric as any I’ve seen recently. Won’t mean it’s without some ups and downs, but a potential 10+ K/9 plays everywhere. He will need to rein in his control to be effective for the shallowest leagues. Far from an easy matchup against the Astros, though one of the easier outs Kyle Tucker (2-for-3, 3 runs, 4 RBIs and his 6th homer, hitting .188) was the bulk of the damage. I hope that Mother Tucker’s happy. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
Jose Altuve – 2-for-5 and his 3rd homer. Altuve wished his mother a very Happy Moth Day. Everything is short with this guy.
Rowdy Tellez – 2-for-4 and his 2nd homer. Done little to nothing so far, but you know I have my monocle out in case Tellez is here to Tellez something.
Adam Wainwright – 8 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.80. Only thing that can stop Wainwright throwing to Molina is their Life Alert failing to go off when they need to stand from the bench to head out to the field.
Aaron Sanchez – Hit the IL with biceps tightness, and that’s the end of his season. Call him Hurty Sanchez, and look elsewhere.
Chris Paddack – 3 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 4.78, as he was activated from the IL. Great, now Paddack’s an Opener? This guy is causing major ulcer flares, and there’s no emergency vehicles headed this way.
Fernando Tatis Jr. – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer, hitting .240. Imagine if Fun the Jewels had two working shoulders.
Jake Cronenworth – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .279. He nearly caused me to hurt myself. Had him in a 12-team mixer, so I looked at his stats, and fell asleep, hitting my head. Luckily, I caught myself before crashing to the ground, so I dropped him before he could drop me. Touché, you mother effer! Big day for mothers today in the roundup, huh?
Dylan Bundy – 3 1/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 5.03. When Bundy wanted us to count to five, I didn’t think he meant for his ERA.
Kevin Kiermaier – Hit the IL with an injury–VIDAL BRUJAN?!?!?!?! Putting on a diaper because I’m about to lose my sh*t. The Durham Bulls’ lineup is more exciting than the Rays’ lineup. Susan Sarandon must be having herself a good time. But, yeah, I’m monitoring Brujan, but haven’t heard anything … as … of … Okay, I’m trying to stall, but gotta stay on top of this.
Mike Fiers – Hit the IL with a sprained elbow. Maybe he hurt it from all that snitching. Yeah, esse! *makes cutting throat motion with thumb, then giggles* Hehe, that tickled my throat.
Jesus Luzardo – Played catch at a low-effort level. If only he played video games at the same level of effort.
Tyler Glasnow – 5 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA at 2.37. Member when I told you to sell Buxton three weeks ago and you were like, “Yo, my man is silly handsome, but also silly silly?” Right, well, two weeks ago, I told you to sell Glasnow. Oh, an injury is coming at some point. No one gets out of here alive.
Mike Brosseau – 1-for-4, 2 runs and his 3rd homer. Brosseau, “Whoa.”
Andrew Kittredge – 1 2/3 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 1.65, as he got his 2nd save. I want to say I choice wrong as the Rays’ closer replacement with Peter Fairbanks (1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 1.93), but every pitcher in the Rays’ pen is great and could get the next save.
Michael Chavis – Hit 1st home run on Saturday, as he hit leadoff. With Enrisqué hitting the IL, Chavis was called up to platoon at 2nd base (with Marwin Gonzalez 3-for-5, 1 run) and, wait, this is hilarious, they both also hit leadoff. MLB managers are so freakin’ dumb. If one guy is injured, MLB managers treat their lineup replacement like it’s a bag of sand in the hands of Indiana Jones.
Rafael Devers – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 8th homer, hitting .288. Not joking when I say I’m a little bit worried about even talking about Devers for fear of a jinx.
Hunter Renfroe – 1-for-4 and his 4th homer. After each home run, I keep waiting for Renfroe to get sweltering, but so far it’s been tepid at best. Maybe this is the hot schmotato run we’re (I’re) expecting.
Nick Pivetta – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 3.19. Has anyone been able to Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind their mind and start Pivetta this year? Truly, I have not. No matter what the Streamonator says.
Cedric Mullins – 1-for-4 and his 6th homer, hitting .313. Cedric the HRtainer pimped that home run by switching into a purple suit to run the bases.
Ronald Acuña Jr. – 0-for-3, 1 run, and his 6th steal. Was hit on the hand by a Sam Coonrod pitch on Saturday, and I was about to search down that guy who sounds like an Appalachian fishing pole maker, but Tildaddy is fine, and all the sighs of relief could power the mining of Bitcoin.
Freddie Freeman – 3-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer, hitting .217. I am pleading with the Gods of Fantasy Baseball, except you Fantasy Baseball Overlord — you can go screw — I am pleading that Freeman starts hitting .400 for two weeks. Please.
Aaron Nola – 4 Ip, 5 ER, ERA at 3.59 vs. Huascar Ynoa – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.23. Not to pick on Nola, because I do like him, but can you see a big difference in Ynoa, who wasn’t drafted, and Nola, who went in the first 25 picks? I’m trying, but not able.
Colin Moran – Hit the IL with a strained groin, but no fear, Todd Frazier’s here. Todd Frazier is a Jersey-born and bred man, and anyone who is six degrees of separation from The Situation can get a shot shot shot shot on my team and I’m just talking nonsense, he sucks.
Ka’ai Tom – 1-for-3, 1 run as he hits third. With Polanco hitting the IL, because he forgot there was a pandemic going on — ah, to have that free of a mind — so Tom has been playing left field. The “ai” in his name stands for Artificial Intelligence and people are always saying, “Geez, look at the brain on that guy,” because Tom had his brain artificially enhanced, and it barely fits on his head. Also, he looks like a 12/5/.250 hitter, but, damn, look at that overstuffed head. He’s got a braindonkadonk.
Tyler Anderson – 8 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.05. I don’t want to overstate how good he is, because he’s closer to a safe, number three vs. ace, but I picked him up a few weeks ago and have started him every start. Tyler Anderson is every other year’s Kyle Hendricks. This year’s Kyle Hendricks is Tyler Anderson still on the Rockies. Speaking of which…
Kyle Hendricks – 5 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 6.23. Didn’t see a more pathetic lineup in baseball Sunday than the one facing Hendricks, though the Tigers were rained out. Absolutely brain-meltingly bad lineup by the Pitt crew. Team Penske is like no thanks’ski calling that a Pitt crew. Yet, and again with a tinge of sadness, YET, Hendricks is busted. Thought he was bouncing back, but something is just not right here. His upside isn’t nearly good enough to keep rolling him out in shallower leagues.
Trevor Larnach – Called up over the weekend. Prospect Itch said, “(Larnach) is like a lot of prospects in that he’s resigned to a corner spot, where his plus hit, plus power, plus patience profile is common, which gets punished on most public-facing prospect lists. We’re just doing fantasy here, and while it’s sometimes difficult to sift through the sound and fury, Larnach is an essential and fairly simple case study. His only red flag so far is 27.6 K rate in 43 games at AA. He produced a 148 wRC+ with a .295/.387/.455 triple slash despite the strikeout issue, which brought along a 12.2 percent walk rate. That red flag is doused in Grey’s blood.” Okay, what is going on here? Larnach is your standard corner OF who could develop to be OZUNA or Renfroe, depending on how you look at the data. Definitely worth grabbing in all leagues if you need power.
Khris Davis – 0-for-4, as he was activated from the IL. Okay, this is crazy, but he spent exactly 247 hours on the IL. What the heck!
Adolis Garcia – 3-for-4, 5 RBIs and his 9th homer, hitting .297. I will call him Arozarena Garcia.
Miguel Andujar – 0-for-3. With Gio Urshela day-to-day, Andujar was called up, which led to this exchange with the Yankee Stadium parking lot attendant, “I’m here for the game.” “And you are?” “That’s right.” If Andujar hits and plays, then I’m all about him, but everyone adding him while he does nothing is caught up in the Yankees’ hype. He hasn’t hit in two years. Where I’m from, we call that a schmohawk with a chance for a schmotato.
Corey Kluber – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.06. Or 4 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 12 baserunners, 3 Ks, that’s putting his line through my Pitcher Against A Tough Team Translator. Here’s me doing the same with Max Scherzer: 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 10 Ks. His actual line vs. the Yankees was 7 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 14 Ks, ERA at 2.33. Yes, that’s me saying the Yankee offense is not good.
Gleyber Torres – 1-for-4 and his 1st homer, hitting .242. “Yes, I’m sure it’s fine if we feed him to the dingoes–Wait! Gleyber’s moved! He’s alive!”
Domingo German – 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.02. Saw German was followed by King and, for some reason, all I could think was Boone Wilhelm the Yankees until the end of this season, if he’s lucky. German looks like he has a KeBoB problem. He has decent Ks and solid BBs, but he gets skewered on homers. Think Pineda.
Kyle Schwarber – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .193. Will be interesting to see the difference in batting averages this year vs. previous. For unstints, will a .230 hitter like Schwarber be a .190 hitter with the square ball? Not sure, but it could be.
Luis Castillo – 4 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 6.42. What’s hilarious in an absolutely unfunny way, the league where I drafted a starter the highest — one of my Draft Champions leagues — I took Castillo, and obviously it’s one of my worst pitching teams. I said it a few weeks ago, and I will say it again. He’s not right. His velocity is down, and he’s relying on his change. A fastball sets up a change. Relying on a change without your fastball is not a recipe for success. I thought by now he’d be sent to the Ineffective List. He’s not right.
Adrian Houser – 6 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 3.44. Streamonator hates his next start, but I’m almost at the point where he should just be rostered vs. streamed. But, Part II: Back That But Up, his peripherals are pretty streamer-ish.
Daniel Vogelbach – 1-for-4 and his 3rd homer. Watched his home run trot and was surprised he didn’t chug a beer at every base.
Sandy Alcantara – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.72. No joke, if you only drafted Marlins starters, you’d be doing better in all your leagues. I’d imagine it’s not particularly close for some of you.
Lewis Brinson – 3-for-4 and his 2nd homer, hitting .240. Your Marlins’ All-Star Game representative…Lewis Brinson! (After all the Marlins starters decided they didn’t want to go.) His strikeout and walk rates are 29.4%, 2%, and I guffawed.
Lance Lynn – 5 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 1.52. Had a long conversation in the preseason with Donkey Teeth, where he refused to acknowledge my drafting of Lynn at pick 58 was better than him picking Blake Snell in the 2nd round. Since then…Well, I worry Donkey Teeth might be hiding in the bushes outside my house with a potato sack, so I won’t say more.
Lucas Giolito – 5 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 4.54. Wish I could say his numbers have veered back towards “ace.”
Yoan Moncada – 1-for-4, 2 runs, hitting .261. I’m sure Matt Truss will go over this in his RCL recap, but I wanna make sure you hear it from my big ol’ mouth first so I can put my spin on it. Made my first trade of the year. I sent our Saturday Injury report writer, JKJ, Jake Diekman and he sent me Yoan Moncada. That’s just the ABC’s of trading right there — Always Be trading Closers — odd that an important word like trading isn’t capped there, but it’s a tenet of trading and that movie was massively WUT. I’m pretty happy with the trade, since I didn’t need saves, desperately needed a corner man, and, maybe most importantly, is the lefty Diekman the closer?
Daniel Lynch – 2/3 IP, 8 ER, ERA at 18.56. Hey, I’m just gonna leave my Shasta here on the counter of this bar named Al’s Qaeda Bar & Grill while I hit the bathroom, would you mind watching it for me…*five hours later*…Damn, I must’ve fell asleep…Hey, is that xylophone player using with my rib cage? AH!!! Roofie!
Jacob deGrom – 5 IP, 1 ER, 1 hit, 3 walks, 6 Ks, ERA at 0.68. Left the game early due to his lat tightness. Dot dot dot. Or did he leave knowing the only way the Mets had a chance of scoring was to take himself out of the game? So, this sounds minor, but also concerning, since the Mets announcers said deGrom has pain in his side after every start, but now that he’s in his 30’s it’s catching up to him the day of his starts. Yeah, that’s not great.
Noah Syndergaard – Will begin a rehab assignment this week. He’s totally returning before Carrasco, isn’t he? I drafted so many guys this year who just disappear.
— Razzball (@Razzball) May 8, 2021
Francisco Lindor – 1-for-3, 1 run, 1 RBI, hitting .194. Think more went down this weekend with Lindor than in five years in Cleveland. Gotta love the maelstrom that is the Mets. A brief recap, Lindor didn’t like how McNeil knelt down in front of him while trying to make a play, but McNeil didn’t like that Lindor didn’t like it, so they went into the clubhouse tunnel, and fought each other with the whole team following after Summer Slam-style. Eventually, they emerged from the skirmish, and the Mets won the game in dramatic fashion by Patrick Mazeika. Who? Doesn’t matter. Then after the game, Lindor said they were in the tunnel looking at an animal, and couldn’t tell if it was a raccoon or a rat, and McNeil’s nickname is Squirrel. Incredibly, I didn’t make a word of that up. It did seem to wake up Lindor’s bat. If I had my choice between a squirrel, raccoon, rat or bat, I’m taking bat. Squirrels have rabies; rats are nasty; raccoons are sneaky; bats are vital to the fantasy ecosystem. With rodents taking a forefront in Queens, maybe the Mets can hire the narrator of Meerkat Manor to join Ron, Keith and Gary.