Rice Knocks The Starch Out Of The Ball

Yankees did a little preview of the playoffs for the Rays. They brought out their top bats and said, “This is gonna be so awesome if we meet the Rays in the playoffs and they actually start Mason Englert.” First off, the Yankees’ Chipper (present day version who can’t hit anymore), Ryan McMahon went 2-for-4, 5 RBIs with his 11th homer. Can we please put our hands together for Ryan McMahon? He managed to hit above .200 this year. Something no one who had ever seen him hit thought possible. Next up, George Lombard Jr. went 1-for-5 with his 6th homer, and his 9th error. Mean’s while, Anthony Volpe sat on the bench talking like a proud parent. “You see him boot balls? I taught him that. When he was in the minors, I brought him my favorite glove and had him try it. Ya know how you break in a glove with oil? I accidentally used concrete to break that one in and when you try to pick it up, you fall over. It’s my favorite glove, and I presented to George.” Finally, the main starch, Ben Rice went 3-for-4 with his 40th and 41st homer. Rice-a-HRoni! Yanks with 40-homer seasons in the last 25 years: Jason Giambi, ARod, Aaron Judge, Curtis Granderson (!), Juan Soto and Ben Rice. Only 13 Yankees total have ever done it. Next week, I’ll start my recaps of each position but let me say I didn’t think Rice could hit lefties enough (he did), and didn’t think he was worth the draft pick as a catcher. Was right there — he was worth it as a 1st baseman! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Gerrit Cole – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.61. Just realized next year I could draft as my first two starters, Paul Skenes and Gerrit Cole and either: Masterful gambit, sir, or this isn’t 2024.

Jackson Holliday – Will undergo surgery on his wrist. Jackson Holliday in the lab thinking up new ways to get us to never draft him.

Pete Alonso – 1-for-6, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 41st homer. Albombso!

Trey Gibson – 6 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 6.13. Fun fact! Trey Gibson is three wise men with a guitar.

Christian Encarnacion-Strand – 3-for-7, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 11th homer. He has two more homers than Vlad Jr. in less than 200 ABs. Oh, and CES is also hitting .274.

Max Scherzer – 5 IP, 4 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 6.14. He’s already said he wants to pitch another year. Someone should say to him, “You’ve earned $364 million in your career. Have you heard of Club Med? Have you ever tried a strawberry colada? Maybe ride a motorcycle with Ewan McGregor to Cape Horn? There’s gotta be stuff you want to do.”

Shohei Ohtani – 1-for-4 as he was activated from the IL. Kevin from ESPN’s “Get Him In Your Lineup” Department said, “If a murderer can blame the devil, I should get one blame of the devil for getting Karen in HR to ask me ‘What’s ligma?'”

Josue De Paula – Optioned back to the minors. He’ll be back when the Dodgers have $700 million less in payroll or after he’s traded to the Marlins for Max Meyer.

Yoshinobu Yamamoto – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.53. Not a bad season–[dodges thrown tomato]–Fine! He wasn’t overrated in draft season.

Manny Machado – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 29th homer. Macho, macho, Machado!

Robbie Ray – 3 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 3.59. Robbie Ray didn’t have it last night. You could tell because there’s nowhere for him to hide anything in those pants.

Luke Keaschall – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer, hitting .276. Some of you might forget Keaschall was a preseason sleeper pick of mine. Listen to this value: His ADP was around 130 and he’s currently ranked around 130. Oh, scoff all you want, but if you got number two pick value overall back from Judge, you’d be pretty happy!

Connor Prielipp – 5 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 4.87. Streamonator predicted a line of 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners and 6 Ks. Yikes, tighten it up, robot!

Brandon Lowe – 2-for-4 and his 34th homer. It would be nice to see the Pirates extend Lowe for a few years. Not because he’s going to be better than this ever, but it would be nice if the Pirates just actually signed someone once in a blue moon.

Jordan Walker – 1-for-4 and his 21st steal, hitting .273. Walker won the Home Run Derby and became Chandler Simpson. Nah, I kid, Simpson still hits for a better average.

Christian Yelich – 1-for-3 and a homer, hitting .239, and in the seven hole. Guess how many homers he has. You know it’s not much but you also know it’s more than Vlad Jr. Or Vlad Hr., as they call him sarcastically. Yelich has 12 homers. Woof. The end comes fast.

Brice Turang – 2-for-4, 2 runs and a homer. How many more homers than Yelich does Turang have? Is Turang a home run hitter? It’s hard to say–He has 20 homers.

Logan Henderson – 5 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 2.47. Ended the year with a 10.1 K/9 and 1.7 BB/9. Yeah, that’ll do.

Aaron Nola – 6 IP, 4 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 4.54. Not the best last start, but, then again, Nola did have a better 2nd half than Paul Skenes.

Matt Olson – 2-for-4 and his 41st homer. Six fewer to go!

Austin Riley – 2-for-4 and his 18th homer, hitting .222. 12 more to go! I kid, I’m not even sure what Austin Riley’s expectations are anymore. Is he a 25/.230 hitter? 20/.220? Dare to dream 27/.250? Austin Riley had a generational fall-off like he was Grady Sizemore, only without the injuries.

Chris Sale – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 4 hits, zero walks, 10 Ks, ERA at 2.16. The wild thing with Sale is he’s around a top 15 player overall this year and easily a top five starter, and has been that for many years of his career, and he’ll still be underrated next year because of his age, and I understand it. One top five starter who won’t be drafted as a top five starter? Undoubtedly Chris Sale. “Undoubtedly Chris Sale” sounds like a song he releases with his autobiography.

Andrew Abbott – 7 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.61. At least a guy that sucks pitched sucky all year. There’s some comfort in that. Like a sleeping bag that someone vomited in.

Kyle Stowers – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 21st homer, and 2nd homer in two games. Fine, I’ll give you another chance! (Get ready for an immediate reverse jinx.)

Sandy Alcantara – 1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 3.89, and his 2nd save. I actually like the idea of Sandy Alcantara, the closer, because of how crazy it is. It makes me giggle just thinking about it.

Gabriel Moreno – 3-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI, hitting .310. Oh my, Gabriel Moreno is about to win the NL batting title.

Cristian Javier – Hit the IL with “ain’t gonna be a two-start starter apparently.”

Yainer Diaz – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 14th homer, and 2nd homer in three games. Please let him get to 17 homers so some poor sap can say next preseason, “Yainer’s not bad. An easy 17-22 homers.” So, then I can become the Joker.

George Kirby – 5 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.33. M’s should fire all coaches. These have the best pitchers, who have pitched atrocious. Fumigate and start again.

Walbert Urena – 4 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 2.97. Sub-3 ERA remains intact for Walbert Urena, who is definitely not a Walmart Urethra that became sentient just because you never heard of him before this season.

Mike Trout – 2-for-4 and his 22nd homer. Gonna play 140 games this year and I have to say, he was a lot better when he only played 100 games.

Vaughn Grissom – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 13th homer. He’s hitting third. No joke. He’s literally hitting third. For a major league team.

Juan Soto – 1-for-2, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 27th homer, hitting .276. Some guys take the last week off because who cares like Vlad Jr. Other guys pad their stats while playing in games their fans don’t care about like Juan Soto. Sexy Dr. Pepper, may you always remain a stat padder.

Nolan McLean – 7 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.16. It’s not easy to come into a season as a starter everyone wants to draft, perform just admirably enough to remain a guy everyone wants to draft, while not moving up at all in ADP. McLean went around 90 overall last year, and, okay, maybe a little higher, but not much. Definitely in front of Framber and Bradish who were in front of him this year. (Was painful to even type it.)

Kevin Gausman – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.51, and left the game with an injury. Too bad the Jays traded him away midseason, they might’ve split today’s doubleheader, and eliminated the O’s and themselves.

Foster Griffin – 6 IP, 1 ER, 10 hits, zero walks, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.60. Ended up with an incredibly valuable year for where he was drafted, which is basically nowhere. And, ya know what, caveat not even fully required. Griffin was solid. Period. (The caveat does help though.)

Sonny Gray – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 2.72, and his 18th win. Red Sox pitching has been excellent this year. Prolly should’ve gave props to the Old Bailey sooner. Ya know coach, Andrew Bailey. If you found us from googling, “Old Bailey props” and you’re looking for a gavel from the Old Bailey because you love BritBox, you’re in the wrong place!

Framber Valdez – 5 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.03. September was his best month, because when nothing matters, that’s when Framber steps up and takes things seriously. Few guys are on my shizz list from this year — Vlad Jr., Eugenio, Paredes, Gunnar and Framber, to name the first guys who come to mind when I’m reading names off my ulcer. Once the season ends, my memory is wiped like I’ve Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind’d myself, and I will forget why I hate some guys so much, but Framber and Vlad Jr. will be hard to wipe completely clean.

Yohandy Morales – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer, 2nd homer in three games. Hot schmotato alert!

Ben Malgeri – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer, 2nd homer in three games. Think about winning your league — not with your drafted Aaron Judge or Vlad Jr., but with Yohandy and Malgeri, which sounds like a popular detective show in Chile. “You see the latest Yohandy and Malgeri?” “Sí, I can’t believe they busted the sheep farm at the base of the Andes that was dressing the sheep up as alpaca. Faux alpaca fur is the greatest crime! Ay caramba! Gracias, Yohandy and Malgeri.”