Montes Assumes A Revenge On All Pitchers

Mariners went out and got Taylor Ward at the deadline and ever since they’ve been like: [pokes Taylor Ward with a stick] “Uh, is he supposed to move?” [lights end of stick with a fire, takes burning ember and pokes Taylor Ward again] “No, he’s a goner. Sad. I guess toss him into the Puget Sound and hope someone else claims him?” Unable to wait for different ends of a stick to waken Taylor Ward, the Mariners are calling up Lazaro Montes. He hit 38 homers in the minors this year (13 in Triple-A in 44 games). He also hit .274 in Triple-A. [covers mouth so you can’t hear the next part] With a 31 K%. What, I didn’t hear that last part. Oh well! Sounds great with zero drawbacks! He was the 25th best prospect from Itch and he said, “At 6’5” 215 pounds, Montes has slimmed down without sacrificing power as he’s climbed the organizational ladder. The strikeouts have invited a fair share of doubters, but I think Montes will make enough impact on contact to become a mainstay in fantasy lineups, and I could make enough impact on Grey’s head with my fist.” What? So, I imagine Montes will platoon (he’s a lefty) and struggle to hit for an average. Think Joshua Baez in the Pacific Northwest. Call him Joshua Bias-For-Birkenstocks. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Randy Arozarena – 4-for-5, 3 runs, 4 RBIs and his 21st homer, hitting .274. The Rice Bowl has managed to make a nice career resurgence with his move to Seattle. I know, anything before August is ancient news, but RB’s did not have the meats in his last year in Tampa.

Cal Raleigh – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 20th homer. Cal shouldn’t be allowed to win people H2H leagues, because it’s justifying bad decision-making like drafting an early catcher.

George Kirby – 5 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.19. Genuinely curious what on the green marble we call earth happened to all M’s pitchers.

Mickey Gasper – 1-for-4 and his 6th homer. Gasper showing a shocking display of power. Definitely wouldn’t feel right from Mickey Hiccups. (By the way, Gasper was sent down on Sunday then recalled. Yes, they sent down their best hitter. Stuff you can’t make up.)

Jarren Duran – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 19th homer, 2nd homer in a week. He could be approaching 22/25 season this year, which is basically his early breakouts, but the average is really dragging down the value, and the strikeouts seem to be to blame.

Payton Tolle – 5 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.23. Was watching this game and, at one point, Canzone grounded out to Tolle and, when he tagged him, he hugged him. It was presented as cutesy, but watch out…Boomer Opinion! What if Canzone homered and stopped half down the 1st base line and motioned for Tolle to come over to hug him as part of his home run celebration? Would that be cutesy? How about we save the hugs, gentlemen, for when you’re running into your mom at Foxwoods?

Luis Robert Jr. – Claimed by the O’s. That pushes Leody to the bench as a utility guy. Don’t foresee “Adding Luis Robert Jr.” being the trivia answer in 20 years for how the Orioles came back and won the World Series in 2026. He’s a negative WAR player this year, who is hitting .223. Feels like a move a team does with zero idea where its headed. Sorta like the Mets adding Luis Robert Jr. (and Jorge Polanco and Marcus Semien), but I suppose it can’t hurt from a real baseball standpoint. For fantasy, it boosts Luis Robert Jr. a tad, because Camden is better than Metco, and now it gives Alonso someone to commiserate with, or I should say comMetserate.

Rafael Devers – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 30th homer. This blew my mind a little bit. On the 7-day Player Rater, Daylen Lile was number one, Devers was number two and PCA was three. I thought for sure PCA would’ve been first. Devers has four homers in the last eight days now, so PCA likely moves above him on the daily update. (Devers was hitting .429 in the previous week, and PCA only .321. Oh, Daylen was at .458 with three homers, and a steal. Now that’s more, see below.)

Osleivis Basabe – 1-for-4 and his 4th homer. Tom Selleck is Mr. Basabe.

Jonah Cox – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer, three homers in August and hit around .290. Cox is hot! Sorry. But he is.

Anthony Molina – 5 IP, 3 ER, 6 hits, zero walks, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.77. I see A. Molina in the box score and I think Doc Ock or Chocolat. Or Docockolat. Um, that’s Doc Ock-olat. I can see how it might be confusing without the dash. “Welcome back to San Francisco, where we’re featuring Docockolat and Jonah Cox. Baseball game? No, I was introducing the Castro neighborhood.” Any hoo! Doc Ock-olat has great command and might have a 6 K/9, so Streamonator at best.

Michael Harris II – 2-for-4 and his 23rd homer. Megahertz ball!

Bryce Elder – 5 1/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.11. Can’t ever get the right start with Elder. I bench him for his decent ones, I start him for this garbage. Not feeling Elder or wiser right about now.

Ketel Marte – 1-for-3 as he was activated from the IL. So that’s why the casinos in Arizona closed early!

Brandon Pfaadt – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 1 K, ERA at 3.49 vs. Aaron Nola – 5 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.93. This matchup was billed as, “Nola/Pfaadt Monday, shouldn’t it be on Tuesday?”

Bryson Stott – 1-for-4 and his 10th homer. Wasn’t going to be denied this time. (Because he had a home run robbed by Made Weckler the other day.)

CJ Abrams – Scratched with back tightness. Ugh, I know this whole routine. Great for four-fifths of the season, then, because the team isn’t trying to win, you realize there’s no reason to stress yourself out, and instead become Mr. NothingButDooDoo Man.

Daylen Lile – 3-for-3, 4 RBIs and his 19th and 20th homer. Holy heater, Batman. As mentioned above in the Devers blurb, Daylen has been the best player the last week. Even better than PCA.

Mark Vientos – 1-for-4 as he was activated from the IL. Wanna hear the saddest story ever? I was excited he was activated so I could play him instead of Taylor Walls. Doing great in that league!

Robert Stock – 5 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 5 hits, zero walks, 4 Ks, ERA at 5.88. “Bobby Stock and boom goes the dynamite!” That’s his call sign for when his baseball career is over, which it should be already.

Ian Seymour – 6 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 6 hits, zero walks, 10 Ks, ERA at 4.21. 10 Ks and zero walks makes daddy go whee, that’s the good stuff, even if it was with three earned.

Clay Holmes – 6 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.09. Whaddup, Holmes?! Him, and not the ball. Unless it was Cubs hitter. To the next blurb, prematurely balding man!

Alex Bregman – 3-for-6, 4 RBIs and his 21st, 22nd and 23rd homer. Cubs are the first team in history to have a three-homer game every game they play.

Michael Conforto – 1-for-1, 3 RBIs and his 13th homer. Also, in this game, Matt Shaw (1-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs) hit his 5th homer; Carson Kelly (3-for-5, 2 RBIs) hit his 10th homer; Tyrone Taylor (4-for-6, 2 runs, 3 RBIs) hit his 11th homer; Nico Hoerner (1-for-3) hit his 8th homer, and Seiya Suzuki (3-for-5, 3 runs) hit his 24th homer. Seiya balls!

Kyle Harrison – 3 2/3 IP, 9 ER, ERA at 3.45. Assuming he starts in Cincy next time out and isn’t given a made-up injury to hit the IL, he will get hit in Cincy too, and have around 3.70 ERA, then he’ll get shut down with a fake injury. Or a real injury, and — Are you following? I’m reading this off a Magic Eight Ball — then next year you’ll see Kyle Harrison had a 3.75 ERA this year and you’ll be like, “Meh, I don’t want him.” This is what is always lost in fantasy baseball. How long the season is. You could’ve picked up Harrison for free, got four months of great pitching, benched him yesterday, have a 2.80 ERA or something on your fantasy team but you’ll still look at him next year like barely a number four when he was a one to two for most of the season.

Cooper Pratt – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer. Wrigley is playing like Coors East lately.

Luis Rengifo – Diagnosed with an ACL. Imma about to get an ACL kicking rocks! No fair! He was just getting going!

Ethan Salas – Being called up by the Padres. Giddy [pause for emphasis] up. Itch just gave you his last Prospect Stash list where Salas (and Montes) appeared, and Itch said, “You can’t have too many catchers on a postseason roster, and Salas is slashing .325/.402/.554 with more walks than strikeouts through 22 Triple-A games. He’s been a major league ready defender for a while now and would be a welcome receiver for the pitching staff, and I’d like one of those Lord of the Rings-type staffs to beat Grey with.” Not cool, man! Salas had a line of 10/17/.296 in all minor league games and he’s 20. Just turned it in June! Been a while since we had a 20/20 catcher. Uh, not talking about age there. I’m here for it. Here being inside a storage locker in Reno. Could see grabbing him in any league where you want upside.

Michael King – 6 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.11 vs. Brady Singer – 4 1/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 4.83. This matchup was billed as, “The King/Singer matchup, i.e., Elvis vs. a TV or Elvis vs. a sandwich or Elvis vs. a toilet.”

Chase Burns – Will have an innings limit in his next start. Assuming that means all starts going forward, and welcome to rostering Chase Burns: Opener. I don’t know, maybe he goes five, but my guess is it’ll be less than that, otherwise why mention it?

Elmer Rodriguez – 3 2/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 5.40. A case where I’m glad I didn’t win my FAAB bid. Thank you FAAB Gods. Booming voice, “No problem. Mind if we watch some Alf reruns?”

Spencer Jones – 1-for-3 and his 8th homer. Why is Amed Rosario hitting cleanup and Jones 7th? Could there be any actual reason?

Walbert Urena – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 hits, zero walks, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.85. I don’t know how to figure this out, but I wonder if there’s something to a guy having better stats when he’s at home facing a team that just traveled across the country.

Gage Jump – 4 1/3 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 5.15. Gonna leave this Shasta on this al-Qaeda run bar and hit the head. Watch it for me, would ya…[five hours later]…Must’ve blacked out there for a second–Hey, why is that guy carrying my kidney in an Igloo? AHHH!!! Roofie!

Jacob deGrom – 7 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, zero walks, 8 Ks, ERA at 4.00. The secret to unlocking Old deGrom and not old deGrom was having him face one of the worst road teams in baseball.

Colson Montgomery – 2-for-3, 2 runs and his 29th homer, hitting .214. A lot hinges on September for Colson’s first full year. A huge month, and he could get 35+ homers and a .230+ average. A terrible month and less than 35 homers and a .200 average. Could be the difference between valuable or not. Colson or Colsoff.

Tommy Pham – Traded to the White Sox. Teams are playing hot potato with Pham, like if they hold him too long he’ll slap someone.

John Peck – 0-for-0 as he was called up by the Tigers. His minor league numbers are respectable 11/22/.388 with most (10/19) of it coming in Double-A, where he spent 58 games this year and only six in Triple-A. He acted as a utility guy in the minors, and I’d expect the same in the majors — plays a bit of 2B, 3B and SS. Can only hope when he’s asked to pinch-hit late in games, Hinch yells to him with a stammer, “Peck, er, wood!”

Taj Bradley – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.8. Taj Mah-solid start I don’t want to make too much of it. Streamonator did love this one (and likes his next).

Ryan Jeffers – 2-for-3, 4 RBIs and his 11th and 12th homer. Too bad you dropped him yesterday. Oopsie.

Walker Jenkins – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. Move him out of the nine-hole, you absolute losers! Twins have Culpepper hitting 8th and Jenkins hitting 9th for no reason other than they haven’t earned it. Earned what? Who knows.

Kody Clemens – 1-for-2, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 23rd homer. Roger should’ve named all his kids names starting with HR. Hrody, Hrabby, Hrbek.