The Woodruff Is On Fire, We Don’t Need No Water

Brandon Woodruff went 6 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, zero walks, 10 Ks, ERA at 3.00 as he was activated from the IL. Was between starting and not starting him in a lot of leagues. Deeper leagues like NL-Only, and I had to start him. In shallower leagues, I left him in the IL. Now? Yeah, I’m an idiot. Why wouldn’t I start him? Am I literal moron? Someone smell my breath and tell me if I’m drunk? Am I? I haven’t drank in about twelve years but, boy, I must be drunk! Someone just yelled moron, they must be talking about me. Coming! I’m the moron! Let me through! They need me to make a stupid decision! Wait, it gets better, Brady Singer (7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.81) was the guy who I streamed hitters against. Was this game like what the Joker wants from Gotham — batless? Sans bats? Does no one have rabies because there’s no bats? Do I have rabies and that’s why I’m ranting with no end in sight? Someone answer me! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Gerrit Cole – 4 1/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.62. Watched the majority of this start and 1) There was some awful defense behind him. Caballero let one ball dribble to the wall and stopped running after it, allowing a super easy triple. 2) Can’t make all excuses, Cole was not sharp with his command. Only allowed one walk, but he was command-less over the plate. 3) There’s no 3.

Amed Rosario – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer. Call an ambulance but not for Amed!

Framber Valdez – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.91. Cole looked worse than his line, and Framber did too. Maybe this is a good start to build off, maybe this is your only chance to sell him. Like a teamster smoking, I’m leaning on the latter.

Riley Greene – 1-for-2, 2 runs and his 9th homer, hitting .292. Not a bad season at all from Greene, but super empty because of the guys around him have been iffy at best. He’s sitting around 130 overall on the Player Rater (as of now, it will change overnight), and that’s largely because he has 34 RBIs. A barely 70 RBI pace as a cleanup hitter.

Will Vest – 1 1/3 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 5.61, and 2nd save, and Kenley hasn’t been seen since Saturday. Cool, cool, everything’s cool. Kenley needs multiple days of rest. I guess. I don’t know.

Byron Buxton – 1-for-4 and his 25th homer. Really put it into perspective how good Buxton’s been when Shohei Ohtani (1-for-4) hit only his 17th homer in the same game. I know, Buxton’s not a top five starter too, but for me in the weekly league where I have Ohtani, I’ve never started him as a pitcher, so tell me why I should be so gee-dee happy!

Freddie Freeman – 1-for-4 and his 13th homer. Freeman or Aranda? Freeman or Bauers? As of yesterday, Aranda and Bauers were both ahead of him on the Player Rater.

Eric Lauer – 6 IP, 0 ER, 0 hits, 3 walks, 2 Ks, ERA at 4.87, ERA on the Dodgers is 2.09 in 34 1/3 IP. It’s so funny how everyone assumes the Dodgers just fixed Lauer rather than the more obvious, they’re a bunch of cheating ess oh bees!

Zebby Matthews – 6 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.56. Yesterday was an excellent day to have a starter going. I saved up all my starters for last Sunday when it was an awful day! I couldn’t outsmart a store window mannequin. And not one of those freaky mannequins that Andrew McCarthy was banging in Mannequin. I mean a good old fashioned dummy!

Bobby Witt Jr. – Quatraro said, the Royals are “hopeful” Bobby Witt Jr. (knee) will be available in a couple of days. So, Quatraro is as stupid as he is ugly.

Michael Wacha – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.48. Finally dropped Lugo in one league — that’s big for me, I like these schmohawks — and Wacha would be in same boat if I had him. Streamonator at best.

Drew Rasmussen – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.62. You can’t Muss the Ras!

Nick Madrigal – Designated for assignment. Tough break because after being cut by the Angels, you can only go to Japan and work your way back. As Marlon Brando once said, “Sayonara, Madrigal.”

Jorge Soler – 1-for-4 and his 10th homer as he was activated from the IL. That moves Christian Moore into a platoon with Wade Meckler. The Mookler.

Kyle Bradish – 8 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.64. Him and Trevor Rogers can lead me to the Promised Land. And the O’s? Meh, I guess, who cares?

Taylor Ward – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 5th homer, and 2nd homer in two games. Finally, getting hot? Please do!

Coby Mayo – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 10th homer. All O’s failed prospects should share stats. So, you draft Cowser, say, then you get Mayo, Cowser, and Holliday’s stats. You’ll still have less than, I don’t know, Dillon Dingler, but you don’t make a Dingler without breaking a few scouts’ hearts.

Kazuma Okamoto – 2-for-3 and his 17th homer, hitting .231. Someone yesterday asked Eugenio or Okamoto, and I had to concede: Okamoto. He’s basically doing what you want from Eugenio. Power and no average. If you had 17 homers and .230 from Eugenio, you’d be over the moon.

Dylan Cease – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners (4 BBs), 8 Ks, ERA at 2.75. Bro’s about as economical as using hundred-dollar bills as post-its.

Yordan Alvarez – 1-for-2, 1 run. Said he won’t participate in the Home Run Derby this year because he doesn’t want to become Vlad Jr.

Hunter Brown – 3 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 1.40, and out at 85 pitches after taking a comebacker off his, uh, back. His velocity was regularly hitting 97; yesterday, it was clocking 94. Brown food is unappetizing, so don’t want him cooked, but not loving what I’m seeing.

Ezequiel Duran – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer, hitting .270. Was looking to really foul up my ol’ noggin with crap I’d be better off not knowing, so I looked at who Ezequiel was better than on the Player Rater, and now you get to know too! Tarik Skubal, Kevin Gausman, Seiya Suzuki, Shota Imanaga, Michael Busch and Raisel Iglesias were just the guys who were right behind him. Your run-of-the-mill top 100 drafted players.

Tyler Phillips – 6 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.09. Wanna hear a funny bit of idiocy? I activated Woodruff in one league, didn’t start him, but to activate him I had to drop Tyler Phillips. In that same league, I dropped Kumar Rocker (5 IP, 2 ER, 5 hits, zero walks, 9 Ks, ERA at 4.14). Sobbing quietly while singing, ‘”Give me the beat boys and free my soul, I wanna get lost in your rock and roll…And drift…” Nose honking, “…Away!”

Tommy Troy – 1-for-4 and his 3rd homer. I got Troy’s homer in two leagues, but that’s some O’Henry-ass shizz. Trust me, my teams are not doing well if I’m starting Tommy Troy anywhere.

Andre Pallante – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 hits, zero walks, 2 Ks, ERA at 3.59. Fantasy Baseball Overlord yesterday was like, “What if every pitcher is good?” Thanks, FBO!

Foster Griffin – 7 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 4 hits, zero walks, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.15. Yesterday was a dazzler for starting everyone, except aces like Cole and Brown, but Griffin’s been good all year. He’s at 91 1/3 IP and a near.3.50 xFIP. He’s not bad. Though, Nats’ pen can’t hold a lead to save their lives. (Pun noted and I made no effort to avoid it. You don’t pay me enough to avoid puns.)

Luis Garcia Jr. – 1-for-4 and his 11th homer, as he hit 8th. Like I’m opening a pack of Pokemon cards, “LuGaJu!” Gonna start calling him The Illustrator. If you have no idea what I’m talking about consider yourself lucky. Not sure why he was hitting 8th, though. More perplexing is Dylan Crews (2-for-5, 1 RBI) hit third. He’s hitting .209, and hasn’t been good in roughly his entire career.

Curtis Mead – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 12th homer, hitting .227. May was excellent for Mead; June’s been a bit of a come-down. July? You can write your own story for that one. (And it will be meaningless and up to Mead.)

Brandon Marsh – 1-for-3 and his 10th homer, hitting .311. Still in the top 20 outfielders overall. Not for All-Star voting though, there it’s like him, Shohei and all Blue Jays as All-Star starters, as voted on by the fans. Seriously, Shohei is the lead vote-getter, and Ernie Clement is number two. Thinking we should give Canada another MLB team just so we can split their All-Star votes.

Manny Machado – 2-for-3 and his 14th homer, hitting .185. No one hit yesterday but Machado did. That’s what we need for him, opposite day.

Michael King – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 hits, zero walks, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.33. I could’ve thrown a shutout yesterday, and I can’t break 40 MPH on the radar gun.

Anthony Kay – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 4.24. Gotta thank this week’s podcast host, Mike, for his Anthony Kay suggestion. After I got off the pod, I picked up Kay, after hearing Mike say his matchups. Streamonator even had him for a positive yesterday, which you’ll rarely see for Kay.

Seranthony Dominguez – 1/3 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 4.45, and 5th blown save. There’s a strategy for using your worst reliever as your closer. If you get very high, you’ll understand it.

Gavin Williams – 5 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.82. A semi-decent pitcher like Williams? Of course he was going to pitch well yesterday. Yesterday was the best day for mediocre pitchers of all-time. Not since 1969 when Red Sox’s Jimothy McRunch threw 8 IP, 0 ER, 10 Ks, and they were like we have to lower the mound 36 inches, did so many mediocre pitchers pitch well.

Jake Bennett – 6 IP, 0 ER, 4 hits, zero walks, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.71 vs. Ryan Feltner – 6 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 4.79. How good was pitching all over the league yesterday? These two schmohawks threw aces.

Mickey Moniak – 1-for-1 as he was activated from the IL. Made me so happy to see this, then it made me very depressed when I realized how sad it was I was so happy to see Moniak return. Then you can imagine how I felt when I saw he wasn’t starting.

Triston Casas – He’s hitting off a tee and soft toss. That puts him around age seven on his rehab. Next up, Little League.