There’s No Safer Bet Than Buying A Share Of Luis L.

A Muslim imam, a rabbi, and a priest are in a raft. They heard a tsunami was headed their way, so they went to sea because they’re hoping it’s a quicker death than having Garrett Mitchell, Sal Frelick or Blake Perkins as their fantasy outfielder. If only they heard Luis Lara just got paid and could be their secular savior. By the way, Secular Savior is the hippiest dog name I’ve ever heard. If you’re in a San Fran and you tell someone your dog’s name is Secular Savior, you’re getting a high-five. Two high-fives if you tell them you’re on your way to Bark-ley. So, Luis Lara received a seven-year deal the other day, and is smoking the ball at Triple-A. Why would he stay in the minors? Of course, he wouldn’t. He has 50-steal speed and makes excellent contact. Could be 15 K% in the majors with a promotion tomorrow, so he’s basically Brice Turang. Call him Basic Turang. Okay, maybe a little less power (prolly closer to 3-5 homers on the year), and he’s seven inches over five feet in the year 26 after 20, so he might hit one homer and .175 because he can’t make hard enough contact in the majors, but the speed will travel, literally, and I could see stashing him for his impending call-up. Now excuse me, I have to go walk my Havanese, Hairy Krishna. Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:

PSYCHE! This post was released a week early for Patreon members. It will be released all year early for Patreons, so if people are getting a jump on you, it’s because they paid the $10. Anyway, the Fantasy Baseball Buy/Sell:

BUY

Freddy Fermin – Padres have finally found their hitting star, Freddy Fermin. He’s following Johnson/Song in the lineup, so his walkup music is Detachable Penis.

Brandon Valenzuela – Kirk is due to return today, so it doesn’t matter what’s on BV’s CV — pithy points for the win! — Valenzuela will lose some playing time. He has been hitting, though.

Kody Clemens – Nothing says, “The Twins really didn’t put any money into their team:,” then Kody Clemens is their three-hole hitter. Twins are asking MLB to implement a salary cap, that cap being, “Whatever change falls out of the owner’s pockets.”

Kyle Manzardo – You should pick him up because he’s hot, and, just think, when you drop him, you can rename your team, Sans-zardo.

Coby Mayo – Thinking about how funny fantasy baseball is. You draft Vlad Jr. and Manny Machado and you’re like, “Well, my corner infidels are all set,” then you get to June and you’re like, “Should I bench my schmohawks for this random schmohawk off waivers?”

Jared Young – Between Freddy Fermin and Jared Young, this was “sounding like another player” week. Get your Brice Hopper! Pick up your Corbett Carol! Grab your Paul Squenes!

Andrew Vaughn – Just gave you my Andrew Vaughn fantasy. Admittedly, his recent numbers might be on the high side because, well, keyword: high, as in Vegas’s elevation. By the way, I just googled Vegas’s elevation vs. NYC and it was 2000 feet vs. 30. (Coors is a Mile High, if you’re wondering. That’s why they call Denver the Mile High City.) Can I put money on Nick Kurtz being a HOFer? He’s gonna hit 40 homers every year for the next 12 years, assuming he doesn’t leave the A’s.

Matt McLain – I considered making McLain my lede buy this week, but going with the sexy prospect is just a lot more fun. How many times can I goof on BDon’s favorite player, Matt McLain? McLain’s average is garbage, but he’s on pace for a 25/25 season. There’s value!

Marcus Semien – Kinda same as McLain in that meh average and the other stats are fine. Call them both Mattcus McStain.

Mauricio Dubon – Like a British DJ, you should be asking for Maur-Dub.

Blaze Alexander – “Stop trying to smoke me!” That’s Blaze talking to Cody Bellinger.

Michael Massey – I’m sure he’s not popping ringworm pills, but, let’s just say his numbers look like he is. His HardHit% is way up, likely a small sample size thing, but it’s there. Maybe he can talk to Pasketti, the wet noodle.

Denzer Guzman – Here’s what I said the other day, “Called up by the Angels. Can’t believe they let him go to every level of the minors. They must hate him. He went 12/9/.336 this year in 238 ABs in Triple-A, but it’s inflated, due to league. He has a good shot at regular playing time, because the Angels are hitting Wade Meckler third. I’d count on speed and that’s about it, but worth a flyer in deep leagues.” And that’s me quoting me!

David Hamilton – One of the few guys who is hitting well and makes sense to be hitting 9th. Brewers don’t have room for him at the top of the order. What I don’t understand is why they keep platooning him with awful hitters, but alas. He won’t face lefties.

Heriberto Hernandez – Owen Caissie really isn’t working, and I don’t know if he’ll ever work if he can’t cut his Ks under 40%, but Heriberto, as good as he’s been, he does seem mostly on the short-side of a platoon.

Colton Cowser – The good news with Colton Cowser beyond him being hot is that maybe he can regain his 2024. Ya know, when he was good. Though, the O’s prospect development coach seems to be Benjamin Button.

Andrew Benintendi – His K% jump this year is about as high as I’ve seen in some time. It’s like if the Dodgers’ Max Muncy stopped wearing his glasses.

Jake Mangum – He could go 4/40/.300. In 250 ABs. El oh el. Shame he struggles to stay on the field.

Jung Hoo Lee – JHL isn’t Jet Hopulsion League, it’s the hottest schmotato in the league! Hitting near-.500 over the last three weeks.

Cedric Mullins – Looks like he’s abandoned any semblance of being a good hitter and now is just good for fantasy (speed/power/terrible actual baseball).

Lars Nootbaar – Walking into places and telling them I have a Nootbaar allergy and when they ask, “You mean nut?” I say, “No, allergic to outfielders who have 12-homer power.”

Dominic Canzone – I think it’s pretty cool how the M’s could use offense, and they don’t play one of their best bats. Cool, indeed!

Yohendrick Pinango – Sometimes I wake in the middle of the night and mutter, “Yohendrick Pinango,” and Cougs will tell me the next morning that I was, “Yohendrick Pinango’ing again in my sleep.” Looks like one of the Jays’ bright spots this year, and has a great contact rate and hitting everything hard. If you pick him up, you might find yourself Yohendrick Pinango’ing in the middle of the night, but it’s worth it.

Blake Dunn – You know what’s interesting? Every year the Reds produce a random outfielder or two that no one was drafting. This year it’s likely Bleday, but Dunn’s making a run for this year’s RRO (Random Reds Outfielder).

Braden Montgomery – Already gave you my Braden Montgomery fantasy. It was written while getting the key to the city.

Cole Carrigg – Here’s what I said the other day, “Called up by the Rockies. No one is surprised to see Carrigg. There’s one in every hotel room. “Hello, can you send some Carrigg pods up to room 310? Hmm, we’ll take two Blue Mountains, one Starbucks Lux Blend and two Caramel Mocha Chocolate Ya-Ya Creole Lady Marmalades? I’m on the phone with the front desk! Do you want a Carrigg pod? We can pick them up on the way out. I can put the pods in my Cupp-A-Chino pants with the extra pockets for later.” So, to believe in Carrigg, you have to believe in the Rockies’ ability to develop. Or, I guess, they do develop guys for their first taste of the majors, then disappear in year two. This year, Carrigg went 6/30/.338 in Triple-A with a 10.5 BB% and 15.2 K% in 225 ABs, and that looks like him every step of the way, outside the contact, potentially. Montgomery is a better bat/prospect, but Coors can fix a lot of wrongs. It could be either of them that is better this year.” And that’s me quoting me!

Stephen Kolek – This is a Streamonator call, like the call it makes to the movie theater.

Griffin Jax – This is also a Streamonator call. “I was there yesterday and someone thought I was a garbage and dumped a half-filled soda into my head. You should really put up clear signs to not dump soda into your robot guests.”

Yoendrys Gomez – Seeing Yohendrick Pinango and Yoendrys, and in my head I’m doing the David Letterman bit, “Uma…Oprah…Oprah…Uma…” but making it, “Yohendrick…Yoendrys…Yoendrys…Yohendrick…”

Orlando Ribalta – Is he actually good? I wouldn’t say that, and Clayton ain’t Beeter’ing the allegations!

Keaton Winn – Feels like the Giants change their preferred closer once a week, in theory, but not really. As I keep saying, some of these teams just don’t have closers.

Tony Santillan – It’s a shame Francona isn’t blessed by better options, because he does seem like he really wants one guy to be the closer, which is more than you can say for most teams. Most teams are like, “This guy is good? Sweet, I’ll go with the other guy who isn’t.” Seranthony is a multi-Oscar winner in the SAGNOF category of “Best Supporting Reliever Behind Me Is Better.”

Jacob Webb – Cubs have produced zero saves this year. Slight exaggeration, but barely. Like the slightest of slights. Either way, Webb’s been excellent. As excellent as the new Vince Staples album, Cry Baby? I wouldn’t go that far, this new album is amazing. Webb’s been good though, and is your middle reliever pickup of the week. Or MR POW, as they’re calling it by people who have only seen The Great Escape.

SELL