Gore Saving Environment By Missing Bats

I drafted MacKenzie Gore year after year. You could tell because the seasons changed like in Notting Hill after she leaves him. The only difference is MacKenzie Gore didn’t stand in front of me in the preseason and say, “I’m just a boy standing in front of handsome man asking him to draft me again.” Unless I was out that day. That would be embarrassing. Imagine Notting Hill’s entire plot hinged on Hugh Grant being at home when she showed up to plead for his love, and he was out getting milk. I’d like to see the outtakes of movies where the character is just running errands. “Freakin’ love that scene in King Kong when he carries her to the top of the Empire State Building, but have you seen the scene where they go to the grocery store to get milk and Kong waits in the car? It’s also very cool.” So, MacKenzie Gore (5 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 2 walks, 9 Ks, ERA at 2.76) is being a smoke show. Just unadulterated filth so far: 13.8 K/9, 2.8 BB/9, 2.01 xFIP and pitching even better than his already elite ERA. Like I unconditionally trust Brewers starters, I might start doing that with Rangers starters too. It’s mostly the park. I liked Gore every other year, then he goes to the best place for a pitcher and I get out [smacks head] Dumb! Why’d I have to go out for milk? Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Cole Winn – 1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 0.00. [sees in box score Winn got save] Sweet, Keaton! I knew Ryan Walker–Oh, it’s the Rangers. Every reliever but Robert Garcia will get saves in Texas. Someone named R. Garcia in Baltimore even has a save!

Victor Robles – Hit the IL with a pectoral strain. Connor Joe was recalled. That should answer Connor Joe questions of where’d he come from and where’d he go. Tacoma is where’d he come from, Connor Joe.

Bryan Woo – 5 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 1.50. Lowercase Woo!

Shane Smith – Sent to the minors. White Sox sent down their Opening Day starter in less than two weeks. First time this year we have a secondhand demotion, and it’s never not off-putting — double negatives be damned! Feel partially responsible because I liked him a decent amount coming into the year. Crazy thing is, in his Tuesday start, his change was the best pitch by Stuff+ for the entire day of games for all pitchers. He also couldn’t locate anything else, so alas.

Kyle Bradish – 5 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 5.27. From the comments yesterday, you’d think he killed some people’s dog or pulled an eight-earned Framber. Sure, you want more, but if 5 IP, 2 ER with 7 Ks is your worst start, you’re winning your league.

Johan Oviedo – Dealing with a strained right flexor, and has been shut down for six weeks. His right flexor saw its shadow.

Sonny Gray – 6 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 2.76. [sees it’s an even  year] Damn, you win again, Saberhagenmetricians!

Christian Koss – 0-for-3 as he hit 9th. Every day Tonnato Vitello wakes up and is like, “I know what will fix this Giants team!” then inserts a random guy in the nine hole.

Tyler Mahle – 5 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners (4 BBs), 6 Ks, ERA at 4.30. San Fran running out there a T. Mahle. Used to have to go to the Mission District.

Rafael Devers – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 2nd homer. Devers delivers!

Aaron Nola – 6 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.63. Streamonator liked this start; I don’t trust Nola at all, but I would start anyone in San Fran right now. Tony Veal can’t cutlet it.

Hunter Goodman – 1-for-2, 3 runs and a slam (2) and legs (1). Don’t come for the Rockies right now! This is Rocktoberil! Uhh…Aprickies! Uhhh…Rockpril!

Cristian Javier – Left the game with shoulder tightness. Feel like this is the end of Javier’s MLB career. If so, fitting it came in Coors, because that’s what happens to every starter who calls Coors home.

Jorge Soler – 1-for-4 and his 3rd homer, and 2nd homer in two games, and one giant shame on Grant Holmes and his mullet, that he didn’t immediately throw it high and in to Soler, brushing him back. Soler was suspended seven games for his brawl on Tuesday night, and Reynaldo Lopez got five games. Soler charged him. Was Lopez supposed to run straight to the outfield, into the pen, out of the pen, into the parking lot and to the 5 Freeway and to Laguna to see Kristin and LC? That’s what I would’ve done, but I don’t understand suspending Lopez at all. Yes, I know he walloped him with a baseball. Good! Should Lopez have called the cops? What recourse does he have? Run to the concourse? This is so dumb.

Matt Olson – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer. 32 more homers for 35.

Grant Holmes – 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.55. Could see Streamonator, but his numbers look iffy for shallower leagues. Keep starting him and you’re gonna get buried in Grant’s tomb. Booyah! Nailed it! High five me! No? Okay.

David Peterson – 5 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 6.14. Welp, something’s wrong with him. I wouldn’t start him anywhere and would look elsewhere in most mixed leagues.

Ryne Nelson – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 5 hits, zero walks, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.20. Early on, he had a perfect game going and I thought Nelson might be the lede today because of how well he was pitching, but ended up just a little below a Quality Start and his peripherals (it’s early) don’t look very impressive. Don’t mind him, but he’s basically a number five to six.

Jordan Walker – 1-for-4 and his 5th homer, 2nd homer in two games, third homer in three games, fourth homer in five games and 100th homer in a week! When I looked back, there was only one set of footprints and that was when I knew Walker was carrying me.

Michael McGreevy – 6 IP, 1 ER, 4 hits, zero walks, 1 K, ERA at 2.16. Streamonator doesn’t like his next one, and I see no reason to press my luck and risk whammies.

Dylan Cease – 5 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners (4 BBs), 8 Ks, ERA at 2.45. Against the Dodgers, Dylan Cease could’ve easily made your fantasy team D. Cease’d, but luckily the walks did not bury him.

Shohei Ohtani – 0-for-3, and 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 0.001000000000. Nah, kidding, it’s 0.000000000000, was just messing with some of youse’s OCD.

Nico Hoerner – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. Inner monologue, “Don’t think about how Nico Hoerner has out-homered your Italian Royals no-good-son-of-a-beaches. Wait, an inner monologue is literally me thinking about it. Damn it!”

Colin Rea – 5 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 3.18 vs. Joe Boyle – 4 1/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 5.17. This matchup was billed as, “Colin/Joe for what, he never picks up.”

Will Warren – 4 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.07. His BAA vs. lefties is over .400 and it was .342 last year. If I were another team, I’d just throw all lefties vs. him, and, until he can be mediocre vs. lefties, he’s flawed.

Luis Severino – 5 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners (5 BBs), 7 Ks, ERA at 5.40. He was in Yankee Stadium for the first time since Yankees fans were like, “We should trade Severino for Mike Trout and Ohtani.”

Joel Kuhnel – 1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 0.00 and his 1st save for the A’s. Who? Oh, yeah, Joel Kuhnel. You know. That guy!

Framber Valdez – 5 IP, 8 ER, ERA at 4.76. Honestly, I’m not even sure who in the Twins’ lineup could hit Framber, and, after looking at the box score, I still don’t know. What a brutal disaster of a start. I am reeling and not in a fun “I’m on the pier fishing” type way. Mind boggling start vs. the Twins. My mind’s boggled!

Bailey Ober – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 5.27. Bailey Ober should give up eight runs! Not Framber! Jesus H.! Who’s not a Marlins’ outfielder! That’s Heriberto H.!

Konnor Griffin – 0-f0r-1, 1 RBI, didn’t start as he was busy signing a 9-year, $140M deal. Konnor Griffin’s wife should celebrate him signing the largest contract in Pirates’ history by divorcing him and taking half to teach him a hard but important lesson. Don’t get married at 19.

Mitch Keller – 6 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 1.00. Mitch definitely don’t kill my vibe. I’d say Sell if I thought you could get anything for him. I don’t. I’d ride it out. I’d even make sure it’s a safe matchup on Streamonator because I don’t trust him at all.

Michael King – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.24. I do think you can Sell King, and I’d be like a guy in a American flag t-shirt with the sleeves cut off on a car commercial calling myself, The Sell King, and selling King.

Jake Cronenworth – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. For what it’s Cronenworth, I think there’s more bottom of the lineups (hitters 7-9) in MLB that are hitting below .200 than any time in the history of baseball. I’m like Elias Sports Bureau but with vibes.

Joey Cantillo – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 2.45. Super impressed with what I saw from Cantillo. He wasn’t just getting guys out, he was confusing them. I’ll take confusing over producing weak contact, though the results can be the same. To take one guy who seems to be the apple of some people’s eyes, Cantillo looked better than Bubba Chandler. Call Cantillo Betterlicious.

Chase DeLauter – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs. Was watching this game and he got jammed on one pitch and still hit it the other way about 380 feet. He’s so strong. Gonna start calling him Barry Bonds with the bad feet.

Angel Martinez – 4-for-5, 4 RBIs and a grand slam (1) and legs (2). Have yourself a career day, Angel! I haven’t seen an Angel that hot since Tawny Kitaen was wearing Chuck Finley’s jersey lying on the roof of an IROC. A game like Angel had usually leads to a hot schmotato run, so stay on yo’ toes! Unless you’re Chase DeLauter.

Cole Ragans – 2/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 5.91. Hit by a comebacker on his hand and left the game. Ragans forgot to duck. With his hand. It’s a good joke if you’re 70 years old.

Eury Perez – 5 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 5.06. His command is so wonky-slash-unlike him so far this year, that I wonder if there’s a mechanics issue. Whenever I have an issue with my mechanics, I bat my eyelashes and raise my track pants to show some leg.

Michael Petersen – 1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 5.40, and his 1st save. He also didn’t kill his wife, it was the owl.

Connor Norby – 2-for-4 and his 1st homer. “Imagine spelling Connor normal.” That’s Konnor Griffin.

Griffin Conine – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer. I can’t imagine there’s anything here, but I also see Conine with the Marlins and all I can think is that there was a “Take son to work” day and Jeff left him behind.

Sal Stewart – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and a slam (2) and legs (3). I need a Guiseppe intervention between Sal and the Italians who play for the Royals. We need a powwow but with Italians. A WOPwow.

Brady Singer – 2 2/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 7.7q. Won’t be Singer’ing anything, not in the mood now.

Christian Encarnacion-Strand – Designated for assignment. For a while, I thought no one was giving him a chance, but now I think it’s him. By the way, Ryan Rowland-Smith, the Australian former pitcher turned sportscaster, was the first baseball player ever in 2007 to have a hyphenated last name. Now? You can’t escape it. This is just another way the Australians have infiltrated our society. First the hyphenated last name, then the flat white is everywhere, next I’m gonna be hunting gators! How about you have a crack somewhere else, you muppet!