Yesterday, Carlos Gomez was designated for assignment. Outfielders in the tier of guys in the preseason I told you not to draft: Pence, Kemp, Gomez, Schwarber, Hanley, Corey Dickerson, Ellsbury, Brantley, Adam Jones and Carlos Gonzalez. I’ll take a 7-for-10. You believed still in the preseason about Carlos Gomez, didn’t you? *touches finger to nose but not for a sobriety test* I’m more surprised by the people shocked by Gomez’s fall from grace. *makes crazy, rolly finger motion by ear* Anyone who saw him in his prime knew he was gonna find a steep cliff. Even when he broke out, the underlying stats told you something had to change or he wasn’t going to have continued success. *sticks finger in nose, smiles* Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Giancarlo Stanton – Sat out yesterday due to his hips. What’s funny is sometimes, when we’re alone, I call him Gianshakira, because his hips don’t lie. On a side note, since I own Giancarlo in a CBS league that costs $150 per person, I wish I would’ve known to set my daily CBS fantasy on Sunday for the week. Nice 404 error page, CBS fantasy.
David Phelps – 5 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks. Grey pregaming, “Yo, Phelps is gonna be Poppa Large big shout on the east coast as a true what? A true fuschnick. With Phelps getting a can’t stop until I get enough, too hot, hot damn-type line.” After the start was over, “I guess he’s okay to stream, but he needs to go more than five innings.”
Wei-Yin Chen – Played catch from 60 feet and reported no issue. It’s all about those last six inches — that’s what she’s never said!
Jeff Samardzija – 5 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 4.23. Always a coin flip what you’re going to get from this schmohawk. Yesterday, the coin came up headszija. Could’ve easily been tailszija.
Brandon Crawford – 2-for-4 and his 11th homer, hitting .277. He’s hitting near-.400 in the last week, but a 7-for-8 on Monday will do that to you. A 7-for-8 game on other days of the week would do it too.
Bryce Harper – Sat out again with a stiff neck. About the only thing Harper’s made stiff this year with his play. Now the Nationals are saying he hasn’t shown improvement and a DL stint is possible. It’s also possible you’re not the greatest player in the game if you’re only great every other year.
Jayson Werth – 2-for-3, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 15th homer, hitting .253. That was his 2nd homer in two days. “Five.” “Alex, what is the number of games Werth would need to home run in a row before I picked him up?” “Yes, we also would’ve accepted, ‘How many fingers you have on your right hand?'”
Trea Turner – 1-for-4, 1 run, hitting .286. The other day a reporter asked Turner where he got his speed from and he said, “My grandpa has a wooden leg and he’ll tell you I got my speed from him.” Does Turner think it’s the 1800s and we’re gonna believe fables? Because we’re not a gullible people. Now, excuse me, while I go lie in a tanning bed for Vitamin D, read up on blue waffle disease and shave my eyelashes to avoid eyelash lice.
Josh Tomlin – 4 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 4.18. Ouch, that stands out as especially excruciating too because I started him in my Scout league, where I’m holding onto first barely, and, for some reason that is beyond me, the league ends at the end of August. “It avoids the frustration of guys getting shut down in September; that frustration everyone knows from H2H leagues.” “Um, okay, but this is a roto league.” “Right. Good luck!”
Francisco Lindor – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 14th homer, hitting .305. Lindor’s stats aren’t completely analogous with this comparison, but he reminds me of Lorenzo Cain last year. Number three hitter on a top offensive team is just good to own.
Jose Ramirez – 3-for-4, 1 RBI and his 14th steal, hitting .309, hitting near-.475 in the last week as one of the hottest schmotatoes in the land. Also, has two homers and three steals in the last eleven games. Also, I was crazy about Ramirez last year, which somehow equates in my pea brain that I should like Delino DeShields again next year. Someone save me!
Nate Eovaldi – Left yesterday’s game with elbow discomfort. He said it hurts right by his tattoo that reads, “Throws 97 MPH, Results May Vary.”
Didi Gregorius – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 14th homer. Wanna feel old? Notorious B.I.G. died 19 years ago. From the time he died until now is the same time from The Beatles invasion to me in high school. Holy crap, I’m old.
Gary Sanchez – 4-for-5, 2 runs and his 1st homer. The ball didn’t look to be going out at first, then Yankee fans prayed into their gift baskets they got from Jeter and it sailed out.
Steven Wright – Won’t start on Thursday due to a jammed shoulder. Steven Wright said, “I much prefer to jam peaches.”
Drew Pomeranz – 5 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA on Sawx is 5.26. Better. Still not butter. More like margarine that is overpriced and therefore not at all economical.
Ross Detwiler – 8 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 2 Ks. Seriously, Billy Beane takes pillow stuffing, puts a flannel shirt around it and he’s got a 5th starter-slash-scarecrow.
Justin Verlander – 7 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.42 vs. Felix Hernandez 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners (4 BBs), 8 Ks, ERA at 3.39. Also, in this game, Robinson Cano (2-for-4) hit his 25th homer, and Nelson Cruz (3-for-4) hit his 28th. At least I think it was this game, but the Mariners might’ve also just put a projection screen up on the field and showed the 2011 All-Star Game.
Blake Snell – 1 2/3 IP, 2 ER, but three more unearned for the heart-stopping box scare. He goes home for his next start vs. the Padres and a little “Friar, may I?”
Jose Bautista – Hit the DL. Originally hurt his knee when he caught his spike on the turf. In unrelated Spike news, when is Degrassi Junior High reuniting on Netflix? I can’t handle this! Candle!
Troy Tulowitzki – 2-for-3, 5 RBIs and his 19th homer, hitting .248. On our Player Rater, he’s ranked just outside the top 200 overall, by fellow schmohawk, Sano, and Addison Reed. *tries to contain laughter* Tulo’s been about as valuable as Addison Reed. Nice.
Melvin Upton – 1-for-3 and three steals (21, 22, 23). With Bautista sidelined, the BJs may dole out some more BJ.
Devon Travis – 2-for-5, 1 run, 1 RBI. What are you waiting for to pick him up? Someone to climb your building with suction cups wearing a Travis jersey? Cause it’s not happening (probably, but this year, you can never be certain).
J.A. Happ – 6 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.96. In his last top 100 pitchers, JB apologized for not ranking Happ high enough. I don’t share the same enthusiasm. He’s 33 years old with a 7.8 K/9, 2.7 BB/9 and 3.99 xFIP. Those are fine numbers. Not bad. Drastically different than, say, Keuchel? Not really. Obviously the ERA results have been, but Happ could easily put up a 4.50 ERA month and it wouldn’t shock me.
Edwin Jackson – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners (3 BBs), 7 Ks, ERA at 4.19. He held the Pirates hitless through five innings. I feel like every time I look up Edwin is no hitting the Pirates. Note to self: Look up more.
Travis Jankowski – 2-for-4, 1 run and his 25th steal, hitting near-.450 in the last week. I think you people — yeah, you people! — don’t realize how many steals Jankowski is getting in such a small period of time. He has 185 ABs. That’s a 75 steal pace. Make you say Jankowski!
Ryan Vogelsong – 6 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.67. Some of you oldies may remember Vogelsong’s 2011 season when he threw 179 2/3 IP and had a 2.71 ERA. I don’t think it’s deja Vogelsong, but he could piece together a solid couple of weeks.
Francisco Cervelli – Left the game with wrist discomfort. Oh, man, Cervelli is totally the ‘merely a flesh wound’ guy, isn’t he? It’s like once a week with Cervelli and an injury. Call him, “It’s Merely A Concussion” Cervelli.
Jonathan Lucroy – 1-for-3 and his 17th homer. Damn, big time mea culpa on this guy. Didn’t think he had it in him. Great news is we can sit back and watch people overdraft him next year. Like in 2015 when someone in my Tout league drafted him in the 2nd round. Hashtag never forget.
Ricky Nolasco – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA down to 5.14. Damn! King Kong and Hector Santiago got nothing on Nolasco!
Jason Hammel – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.90. Would’ve been a good year to only draft variations on the name Hammel.
Addison Russell – 1-for-4 and his 13th homer, hitting .243. Russell is like a slugger who specializes in 1-for-4’s with solo homers, only he’s a 17-homer hitter.
Rich Hill – Says he won’t pitch this Friday due to his blister. A blister that will now have knocked him out for over a month. Think this calls for bringing out one of our oldest glossary terms, Hill is pulling a Kotchman.
Justin Turner – Got the day off yesterday after starting 27 straight games. Wow, 27 straight games. Cal Ripken once hit Gregg Zaun with a pillowcase filled with turds for 27 straight days like it was nothing!
Scott Kazmir – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.44. This start came against the Phils. Let me give you a taste of the new math with an equation: A non-exceptional start vs. the Phils + Kazmir = Jeff Buckley treading into water in boots. Hmm, math is slightly off there, but I’d have a hard time holding onto Kazmir in most mixed leagues.
Kenley Jansen – 2/3 IP, 3 ER. Kazaam!
Freddy Galvis – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 11th homer, and 2nd day in a row with a homer. God of Schmotatoes stands in a dank police office. Schmotatoes are marched in, one as disheveled as the next. The God of Schmotatoes points to Galvis. And that’s the story of how Freddy got fingered.
Jeremy Hellickson – 5 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.65. Sonavabench! I knew I should’ve started this schmohawk but the Stream-o-nator was like, “No, don’t do it, Grey, but please call me at 3 AM because I’m lonely.” Stupid, lonely robot!
Freddie Freeman – 3-for-3 and his 20th and 21st homer and 47th and 48th RBIs. I might need a small miracle and a large slump for him to avoid getting to 60 RBIs. Don’t put it past me to pray for that shizz either. See, I sweat the small stuff!
Chris Carter – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 26th homer, hitting .217. JB said Carter is a total BILF.
Anthony DeSclafani – 5 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.11. Someone didn’t understand why The DeScla Man wasn’t a great start yesterday. Guys and five girl readers, an away start in Busch isn’t great.
Eugenio Suarez – 1-for-4 and his 18th homer. Damn, Votto, you let Eugenio catch you again!
Matt Carpenter – 2-for-3, 2 runs and his 15th homer. Carpenter really nailed that one!
Jhonny Peralta – 1-for-4 and his 6th homer. The Superfluous H hasn’t been himself this year — between injuries and feeling exasperated with Starbucks’ baristas misspelling Jhonny — but he could get hot for the final six weeks if he’s healthy.
Jaime Garcia – 8 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.93. Yesterday, he got into the ninth inning only throwing 85 pitches. The start before — 8 IP, 0 ER, 11 Ks — the next start. Dot dot dot. Well, I don’t trust him at all, so I dropped him.
Jose Quintana – 7 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.85 vs. Ian Kennedy – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 3.91. Quintana and Kennedy are tied together in the history books, as well. Kennedy almost went to war with Cuba. In Cuba, there’s Guantanamo Bay, which with my mispronunciation, I call Quintana, and he’s put hitters on lockdown all year. See? Don’t mess with Quintmo!
David Peralta – Will undergo season-ending wrist surgery. Backdate that to April.
Yasmany Tomas – Didn’t start yesterday due to a stiff neck. He believes he got a Viagra stuck in his throat.
Robbie Ray – 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 4 Ks in Metco. Now that’s where the Robbie hits the road! Stream-o-Nator‘s got a “Doinggggg” for Ray in every start, so I was hesitant to start him here, but if you cry wolf enough times, eventually Randy Wolf shows up at your door with a restraining order.
Jake Barrett – 1/3 IP, 2 ER and his 4th blown save to go with his 4 saves. Robbie Ray deserved better, but, you know what else, I DESERVED BETTER! Nothing like finally getting your chance to be a closer and ruining it. If he were to close two months of games, maybe he’d be the closer to start next year, then in three years time (yeah, I’m skipping ahead), Barrett gets a $35 million contract. But no! Barrett looks like he should be in the minors. Diamondbacks have little to play for, so they should continue to run him out there, but Enrique Burgos could get a look. (Like the D-Backs even get save chances.)
Jean Segura – 3-for-5, 2 runs and two steals (21, 22), hitting .311. I hope he gets to 35 steals. Not because I own him, but so I can justify my undying love for him next year. Then, of course, he’ll fail. I love owning players in their down years and not in their up years. Stupid Saberhagenmetrics.
T.J. Rivera – 1-for-5 as he was called up, and played 3rd. Rivera was crushing the ball in the PCL, but the PCL is like hitting with an aluminum bat on the moon, so if you take that away, he’s a 27-year-old utility man, which sounds like Harrison Ford before American Graffiti.
Bartolo Colon – 7 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 8 Ks, EAR at 3.35. I streamed Colon yesterday, and I didn’t even need prunes. I gotta say, it was a good day.
Jose Reyes – Will begin a rehab assignment at Low-A Brooklyn. At the Brooklyn stadium, they serve microbrew with grapefruit notes, free range chicken sausages that were farmed in the Adirondacks, every umpire is required to be knowledgable of the best coffeehouses in the area and everyone’s walk-up music is a Decemberists’ song.
