Last night I was thinking about how Trea Turner was singlehandedly winning people fantasy leagues. Today I’m thinking, can he singlehandedly play? He was top six for fantasy value already this year on our Player Rater, and he might’ve been a 2nd half player! He could’ve ended up in the top three overall for fantasy value. Yeah, I said it! Top three! Now, a broken wrist. Why can’t we have anything nice? I’m addressing you, Fantasy Baseball Overlord! I’m screaming at the heavens, standing in rain, hoo-ha’ing like I’m an out-of-work Al Pacino impersonator! Why can we not have nice things?! I want answers! Alas, FBO’s out to lunch, or so says his answering machine. This sounds like an injury where he could be out for six to eight weeks, but more will be known in the coming days. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Kevin Jepsen – Signed with the Nats. *looking at a jigsaw puzzle of a World Series trophy with one piece missing, picks up piece that is Kevin Jepsen’s face, jams that piece into jigsaw, hammering piece until it fits*
Anthony Rendon – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs with his 16th homer, hitting .298. Someone mentioned in the comments yesterday how valuable Rendon has been. Well, yeah!
Blake Treinen – 1 IP, 3 ER and the blown save in the ninth, after being up by two runs. There’s a chance here that Dusty simply forgot Treinen is no longer his closer. Or he spun his toothpick on the ground and it stopped facing Treinen, so he had to let him f*ck him.
Kris Bryant – Still could hit the DL. That brings us to 99.9% of MLB players that are on the DL or expecting to hit the DL. The .1% is Bronson Arroyo, who is technically in the MLB but, I mean, c’mon, a 83 MPH fastball?
Jon Lester – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.69 vs. Joe Ross 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 5.12 – When I saw this matchup was Jo-Le vs. Jo-Ro, I started singing Jolene by Dolly Parton, “Jo-Le, Jo-Le,” and then I started scratching the imaginary record and started singing Ahmad’s Back in the Day, “Jo-Ro, Jo-Ro, put on that Bobby Womack.” My brain pinballs, and I think it was the excitement of Friday. Lester’s obviously a solid starter, you know him. Ross is a’ight for matchups in shallower leagues.
Jeimer Candelario – 1-for-3 and his 1st homer. Since John Candelaria was “The Candy Man,” I’m gonna call Jeimer “The Candy Lad.”
Carlos Correa – 2-for-3, 4 RBIs and his 15th and 16th homers, hitting .309. Guess how many steals he has on the year? I’ll do you one better, it’s the same number as steal attempts. Okay, give up? He has not been caught one time this year. Unfortch, he also hasn’t attempted one steal. There’s a 42-year-old, twice-divorced guy in your softball league, who has two kegs for legs, who has attempted more steals simply because he was on first base and his 1st base coach said, “Swipe right,” when he was Tinder’ing during a game, and Keg Legs thought he meant for him to steal. Correa was the 51st fastest player in the majors last year. Not greenies and Red Bull fast, but zero attempts?! How is this even possible?
Brad Peacock – 5 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners (6 BBs), 7 Ks, ERA at 2.72. For you old heads, I have a comparison for you: Peacock is Jonathan Sanchez.
Andrew Cashner – 5 IP, 5 ER as he was activated from the DL. If that doesn’t excite you, you have no heartbeat like a stone. You stone? I think you stone. You stone? Maybe I’m stone. I stone? Damn, maybe stone. I stone? (This is my new schtick, how’s it playing?) Damn, I stone? Maybe stone.
Rougned Odor – 1-for-3 and two steals (8, 9). I’m not hearing the anger about Odor. Yes, he’s hitting a paltry .207, but he’s on pace for 25 HRs and 20 SBs. Average is fickle. His strikeouts are up, but they’re not skyrocketing compared to last season. He is only a .255 hitter in his career, so if he gets unlucky with BABIP, you might have a .235 season. That sucks, I get it, but ZiPS, Steamer and everyone else is calling for him to hit .260 the rest of the way. I’m not on an island of misfit toys saying Odor’s the greatest thing to happen this year, but a 25/20/.235 season is not a fantasy season killer. Miggy hitting 10 homers with a .260 average vs. a guy like Smoak or Yonder or LogMo being an All-Star is hurting your teams a lot more. I’m in first with Odor, don’t tell me a 25/20 pace 2nd baseman is killing you.
Nomar Mazara – 1-for-4 and his 11th homer, hitting .262. Been about as yawnstipating as a guy can be. By the by, who’s thumbing down the Urban Dictionary definition of Yawnstipating? Yawnstipating people are, that’s who!
Corey Kluber – 8 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 12 Ks, ERA at 3.02. If I win any money in my NFBC league by finishing in the top three, and I highly doubt it’s going to happen, but, if I do, Kluber will be receiving a check of gratitude from me. One personal check with the memo: Gratitude, no signature, no date, Void in the Amount line, but Gratitude all over that Memo line.
Randal Grichuk – 3-for-4, 3 runs, 5 RBIs and his 7th homer, and, like, his 89th homer this week. You know Grichuk is gonna be in this afternoon’s Buy column, because of course he is.
Lance Lynn – 6 IP, 3 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.90. Apizzarently, I was suppose to start Lynn over Lackey this week. What’s more puzzling is on Monday morning I thought starting Lackey instead of Lynn was a smart move. Maybe I confused smart with stupid. Well, I won’t make that mistake again (I am totally going to make this mistake again and again). Glad I smartened up (I am still super dopey).
A.J. Pollock – Diamondbacks said he won’t return this week. There’s a fisherman in Alaska that hits off a tee with a pollock as a bat, and that pollock has played more baseball in the last two years.
Paul Goldschmidt – 1-for-3 and his 19th homer, hitting .323. Au Shizz!
Jake Lamb – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 18th homer, hitting .286. He ain’t no Lamby-pamby!
Jake Junis – 6 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 5.66. A carpenter by the name of Jesus should’ve bought our fantasy baseball streaming tools, instead he ended up screaming, “You Junis!!!”
Michael Fulmer – 8 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners (0 walks), 7 Ks, ERA at 3.19. His peripherals — 6.9 K/9, 2.1 BB/9, 3.96 xFIP, do so little for me. Fulmer? Nah, kid, feel kinda emptier, tbh. FTLOG, with the acronyms! Fulmer’s fastball is 96 on the reg, but only has three pitches, and doesn’t use any of them for Ks. Totally usable, serviceable, fine, adjective, adjective, adverb! But, do I love him? Meh, he’s okay.
Ian Kinsler – 2-for-3, 3 runs and his 9th homer, hitting .248. What happens in real baseball doesn’t matter much for fantasy. Matters a bit if a team is going to trade for a guy and someone you have might lose their job. Those types of things. With that in mind, I looked at the MLB standings yesterday for the first time in about a month. A) The Tigers are bad, and not bad as in good. B) The Twins and Royals are in playoff contention, and they are also gizzarbage. Damn, the AL Central is sad. C) There’s no C.
Justin Upton – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 15th homer, hitting .267. This is least manic year ever for Upton with no crazy hot and cold swings. He’s downright normal. He’s the only normal thing about 2017.
J.A. Happ – 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 3.71. Happ has been terrific for the last few weeks, four starts, 6 ER in just over 25 IP, near a 9+ K/9. I mean, everything, just great, and I dropped him yesterday. Yeah, he goes to the Yankees next and you have to be that brutal in shallow leagues.
Jonathan Villar – 2-for-5 and two homers (7, 8). But what about Eric Sogard?! I don’t own Villar anywhere, but I can still appreciate the anger at Sogard — Eric Soangered? — when Soangered is only playing because he’s hitting, and he’s only hitting because his BABIP is insane. He’s a .240 hitter disguised as a replacement for Villar. That is infuriating. I’ll give you that. Hopefully this is the spark Villar needs going forward.
Jesus Aguilar – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 7th homer. Buh-buh-buh-buh-BUT this was against the Reds?! This was supposed to be Thames’ chance!
Manny Pina – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer, and 2nd homer this week. Catcher questions in 3, 2, 1…
Ryan Braun – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 9th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. And still healthy! Though, I haven’t checked in almost three minutes. His status might’ve changed.
Jimmy Nelson – 7 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA at 3.43. His ownership numbers should be at 100%. Pitching is such a shizz show this year, there’s no reason why he’s not owned everywhere.
Joey Votto – 2-for-2 and his 22nd and 23rd homers, hitting .308. It’ll prolly end at some point, but doesn’t he feel like a guy that could wake up at the age of 40 and hit .300 with 20 homers?
Dustin Fowler – Was called up for the previous call-up that was called up on the call up. Unfortunately, on a play yesterday, he ran into a right field wall, and ruptured his patella tendon. Yeah, that’s as bad as it sounds. No, I don’t want to see video of it, Fox Sports, thanks.
Chris Carter – Called up from the minors as Tyler Austin was DL’d. I’ll have to ask Prospector Ralph about this new minors call-up. Oh, wait, that’s right, it’s last year’s NL Home Run Champ.
Avisail Garcia – Underwent an MRI on his knee. Sigh. We had a good three months from him. Next year, we’re gonna get six, I swear! Why am I now singing All-4-One’s I Swear?
Jameson Taillon – 6 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.97. Without looking it up, I’m gonna guess his ERA is leading the majors. Or maybe it’s that Ervin or Vargas guy. Well, Taillon is a stallion (totally the first person to ever say that).
John Jaso – 2-for-4 and his 6th homer. If you Google John Jaso, the first suggestion is “Is John Jaso married?” The answer is no, he is a white guy with dreads and smells.
Gregory Polanco – 1-for-4 and his 6th homer. Two weeks ago, when Polanco homered, I thought there was fog on the mirror under his nose. Now, I think the mirror might just be frosted.
Yasiel Puig – 2-for-4 and his 15th homer. When Puig lets one fly!
Joc Pederson – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 8th homer, and 2nd homer in three games. I gave you a hard affirmative to pick him up the other day, and he will be in this afternoon’s Buy column. Me likey.
Clayton Kershaw – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 12 Ks, ERA at 2.32. Every time I look at Kershaw’s box score, I have a small moment before the numbers come up where I expect no hits. Just this small pause where I wait and expect to see nothing. Why do I sound like Ben Affleck telling Matt Damon’s character in Good Will Hunting to get out of town?
Dustin Pedroia – Out with a knee injury. At least the Red Sox think it’s his knee, but his thigh, ankle, shin and knee are all within centimeters of each other so it’s hard to tell.
Mookie Betts – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 13th homer. Mookie Ballgame!
Hanley Ramirez – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 11th homer, hitting .242. I bet at holiday gatherings with his family there’s a lot of, “Oh, look at this, Hanley decided to grace us with his presence. What’s the matter, Hanley? Your hamstring doesn’t hurt too much for some turkey?”
Jose Urena – 6 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.42. Whew, usually when I go back to the streaming well one too many times, it burns me bad. Thank you, Urena! Now I can drop you with little regrets.
Giancarlo Stanton – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 21st homer, hitting .274. Funnily enough, as Giancarlo was homering, I was doing a strip tease to Giancarlo’s Fathead wall mount in my room.
Seth Lugo – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.55. Sonavabench! Okay, let’s read between the lines. I own Lugo in a very deep league, and even I didn’t start him because I don’t trust him. That sonavabench is packed with more hidden meaning than a Lewis Carroll acid dream novel.
Manuel Margot – 3-for-4, 1 run, 2 RBIs, hitting .269. He won’t be in this afternoon’s Buy column, but he could if you need speed. Hey, I’m a poet and aware of it!
Wil Myers – 1-for-2, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 16th homer. Also, in this game, Hunter Renfroe went 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 16th homer too. Know what else these guys have in common? They are both Padres. Yeah, I’m a bit of a trivia buff.
Dinelson Lamet – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 5.35. He knows what every Padres pitcher knows, when you’re at home, Dinelson, you shake whack off, and you don’t let hitters get whacks on.
Matt Adams – Left yesterday’s game with a foot contusion. His foot was seen putting on a mitten and–Wait, that’s foot confusion.
Bartolo Colon – Was designated for assignment, and it might be the last we ever see of Bartolo in the majors. I doubt it’s the last we ever see of him though. He strikes me as a guy that will take on retirement like George Foreman. Will surround himself with a bunch of kids who he calls Mini Bartolos, will try to unretire at 55 years old and then will make a billion dollars on a kitchen appliance.
