Did the Pirates trade for Brian or James McCann? Because every time Tony Watson pitches, I feel butt sore and shake my head questioning, “Watson McCann?” And then I soothe the irritation with some aloe Rivero. Before yesterday’s 2nd meltdown by Watson in two games (1 IP, 2 ER, and yet another blown save), C**nt Hurdle said Watson will remain the closer. This is like when you have pimples in high school and you go to your dad, and he’s like, “Everyone’s got pimples at your age, I’m not paying for you to get rid of them, you’ll be fine.” Then you go into your closet and chew on your 4-year-old baseball card gum until your mom comes into the closet and tells you she’ll take you to the doctor, using her bingo winnings she’s saved. I don’t want a vote of confidence for Watson, I want mom to talk to C**nt! I’d continue to hold Felipe Rivero (1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 0.58), it’s only a matter of time. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Francisco Cervelli – Hit the concussion DL. Filling in for him will be Elias Diaz (2-for-5, 1 run, 2 RBIs). Elias Sports Bureau said, “No relation.”
Jose Osuna – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer. Kuhl, Kuhl, but let’s talk about what’s on my mind. Josh Bell went 0-for-3, hitting .218, and is in a tailspin. Can we guess why Bell’s sucking up the air and farting out dust? Here’s a guess, every time Bell plays, he’s removed for a freakin’ pinch hitter! Don’t you think that might affect his confidence just a tad? Good ol” C**nt.
Wade Miley – 2 2/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA up to 3.27. Geez, Miley had been good all year with a sub-3 ERA, then gets a cakewalk vs. the Pirates at home and looks terrible. Wonder what happened? I’ll clue you in, Colonel Mustard. I started Miley in my NFBC league for the first time all year. See Merrifield’s hitting streak coming to a crashing halt for further reading on this.
Adam Jones – 1-for-5 and his 11th homer. He must be happy to be back in Baltimore and out of those other racist cities. Nothing racist about Baltimore, said Adnan Syed, Freddie Gray, The Keepers and David Simon.
Trey Mancini – 2-for-2, 5 RBIs and two homers (8, 9) after he entered the game in the 9th inning. Two homers, Trey? Cuatro, cinco, say, Trey, that’s dos.
Rick Porcello – 6 1/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA up to 4.46. He’s actually pitching about as well as last year when he won the Cy Young. Unfortunately, he didn’t pitch well enough to win the Cy Young last year. Hence, the disconnect. I hear from someone who’s been in a coma since March that Porcello may not be as good as last year, but he’ll get wins. Yeah, his record is 3-8, Comatose Porcello Fan.
CC Sabathia – 8 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.66. Since we’re on the subject, CC’s actually having a Porcello 2016-type season. He moved his record to 7-2 and, with some good luck, he could win a crapton of games while not pitching all that well. At no point did I say he will, just that he might. Don’t believe me, check ownership of Porcello last year in June. I bet he was owned in less than 50% of leagues.
Didi Gregorius – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 5th homer, hitting .319. Didi, Didi, Didi, can’t you see? Sometimes your homers hypnotize me.
Chris Carter – 3-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 6th homer. It’s a crime that he’s hitting ninth while Gary Sanchez (1-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI, hitting .248) gets only bumped down to sixth. Sanchez had Maas Appeal last year, but he’s yesterday’s news. Boost Carter up like he’s Rosalynn getting Jimmy the chunky peanut butter!
Sean Newcomb – Will make his MLB debut on Saturday. His control is wonky, then wonky takes his control to court and asks it rescind its statement because it’s libelous to the word wonky. That’s how wonky it is! He had a 5+ BB/9 in the minors. What’s that in the majors? 7+? Newcomb’s 23 years old — I hate to see what the old comb looks like? *Groucho Marx cigar wagging* — so this looks more like a promotion of a guy that may never figure things out, and the Braves are just throwing him to the wolves. I’m not even messing with him in an NL-Only league yet.
Mike Foltynewicz – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.48. Love to see a start between Foltynewicz and Asher Wojciechowski. First time ever a scorekeeper will go postal. “Hey, why’s the scorekeeper acting like Michael Douglas in Falling Down?”
Dansby Swanson – 3-for-4, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 6th homer, hitting .205. Dansby’s busting so bad he hasn’t even been playing every day. Busta bust! Yeah, I tried to tell people to stay away from him in the preseason, but that likely wasn’t an issue since everyone had drafted Odor by then. Oopsie!
Nick Markakis – 3-for-5, 1 run, 5 RBIs, hitting .289, as he sits on one homer on the year. Am I the only that thinks Markakis used to do PEDs and stopped suddenly? Ya know, cause his homers went from 25 to 3 per season.
Matt Adams – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 7th homer, hitting .278. Makes you wonder a little bit why the Cards didn’t trade, um, anyone else besides Adams.
Scott Schebler – 3-for-3, 2 runs and his 17th homer. Damn, just came back from shoulder injury and right back at it, locked in like Jodie Foster in Panic Room. Guys and five girls, he’s on pace for 45 homers. El oh what the eff.
Joey Votto – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 15th homer. Go ahead, try to keep up to Schebler. Like LMFAO sung, “Everyday he be Schebler’ing!”
Zack Wheeler – 7 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.45. The good news is that Wheeler looks solid. The great news is this means Syndergaard and deGrom will be good again in 2019.
Jay Bruce – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 14th and 15th homer, hitting .250. *looks at watch to see if it’s post-All Star break yet* You got about a month left, Bruce.
Yu Darvish – 7 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 4 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.18. I know a lot of youse like to buy guys high and sell players low, but if anyone’s annoyed owning Darvish, I’d buy him low.
Adrian Beltre – Rangers said he could need a DL stint. What a crock of hooey. Of course, he needs a DL stint, he’s in a walking boot!
Justin Turner – Injury is no longer a problem, and he says he’s ready. I don’t know, to me he looks more gingerbready! C’mon, high five me! That was good! No? Okay. We’ll chat later.
Kenta Maeda – Sent to the bullpen with the return of Wood. Maeda will likely start again in a week or two, but there’s very few leagues where I’d hold him. I dropped him in a 12-team mixed league about two weeks ago, and haven’t looked back, which I’ve said about five times so maybe I’ve looked back. These are not matters of your concern.
Corey Seager – 1-for-4 and his 8th homer, hitting .274. I ranked him much lower than most ‘perts, but I likely didn’t push people away from him as much as I should’ve. If he’s not hitting .320, he does so little else.
Clayton Kershaw – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 2.20 vs. Stephen Strasburg – 6 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.80. When I was watching this game, I was reminded of Notorious B.I.G., and kept singing in my head, “Dangerous on bizzats, leave your ass flizat,” and, “Keep your bats in holsters, hurlers with healthy shoulders.”
Ryan Zimmerman – 1-for-4 and his 17th homer, hitting .362. I still think it’s all going to fall apart at some point for Zimmerman, but, I will say this, you got a whole season’s worth of Zimmerman in two-plus months so even if he goes down now, you can’t be mad at it.
Matt Garza – Hit the DL after colliding with Jesus Aguilar. Coming up next on Fox, when come-to-Jesus moments go wrong!
Jonathan Villar – 2-for-4 and his 6th homer. He has a pretty far way to go back to respectable, but I wouldn’t bet much against it happening. It’s hard to keep a guy who stole 60+ bases last year from getting at least some fantasy value.
Domingo Santana – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 11th homer. Now has five homers in the last ten games, hitting near-.350 in the last week, and you can wait until Friday for him in the Buy column, or you can go with the Lord and take Sunday off the table.
Jimmy Nelson – 6 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.45. Know how I keep saying Chase Anderson should be owned until he falls apart, well, Nelson’s pitching better.
Ty Blach – 6 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.64. More like Ty Blech. Amiright?
Buck Farmer – 6 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 0.00 (in two games) vs. Alex Meyer – 6 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 4.08. Both of these teams are two of my favorites to stream against (Meyer’s the Angels, in case you didn’t know; he goes by the nickname, Weinerdog. Oh, and Buck Farmer is the Red State Porn Star of the Tigers. Can someone get me out of this parenthesis?) Thanks! Farmer and Meyer are two guys I’d stream in their next starts too. Look at that, actionable advice!
Mike Zunino – 2-for-3, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 3rd and 4th homers, three homers in four games. You ever have this happen? I picked up Zunino for Thursday, and now that he homered twice yesterday, I no longer think he’s going to homer on Thursday.
Kyle Seager – 1-for-3 and his 7th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. Well, it took about 60 games, but Seager looks like he’s finally started the season.
Zack Greinke – 5 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA up to 3.20. This game came against the Padres, so against a major league offense it would’ve been 4 IP, 5 ER. Greinke’s peripherals still say he’s having a Cy Young-type year, but can’t say I’m unconcerned.
Jake Lamb – 1-for-2, 3 RBIs and his 15th homer. Lamb, dah-dun-dun-dah-dun-dun, let the boys be boys! LAMB!
Brandon Drury – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer. I’ve been waiting for this guy to get hot, but he’s hitting barely .200 over the last week, so I’m not sure it’s here yet. I am cyclops’ing him.
John Lackey – 6 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 5.12. No foolsies, I could pick up a random Rockies starter and have a better chance at a Quality Start than Lackey.
Ian Happ – 1-for-4, 2 runs and his 5th homer. Let’s see, he hit two homers and was benched for two straight games, so what happens now? Is he benched for only one game after a one-homer game or is he benched for three games?
Kyle Schwarber – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer. You know what narrative Maddon’s prolly following now, right? Schwarber started hitting in the nine-hole, so I’m keeping him down there! Damn if you do, damned if you don’t is Schwarber’s problem now.
Marcell Ozuna – 1-for-4 and his 15th homer. OZUNA tie Stanton with 15 homers. OZUNA loved him in Alien. OZUNA might be thinking of Harry Dean Stanton.
Jason Vargas – 5 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.18. I mean, not the greatest game, but holding the 1927 Astros in check is no easy task. Kinda wish I held Vargas, because he’s really dodged the Regression Fairies.
Brian McCann – 4-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer, hitting .271. Now has two homers in two games. Call back, Watson McCann? Hot schmotatoes.
Brad Miller – Hit the DL again with a groin strain, but this time it feels like a Disgraceful List trip. Though, I should likely watch how much I’m feeling another man’s groin.
Jacob Faria – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks in his first major league start. Good news is he looked terrific. Bad news is I don’t want to drop him. I like to leave four interchangeable spots on my roster like I enjoy having four extra inches of elastic on my boxers in case I want an extra helping of ice cream. Hey, Faria, don’t deprive me of dessert! Now it’ll be up to the Rays if they replace Faria or Erasmo in their rotation with Andriese next week. My guess is they keep Faria up, but hard to say. Stream-o-Nator hates his next start, and I might drop him anyway in my 12-team mixed league.
Justin Smoak – 3-for-5 and his 16th and 17th homers, hitting .291. “Gonna miss part of my fantasy baseball draft. I have a pottery class until 8 PM. My mom and I are gonna do a Swayze/Demi with a vase. It’s prolly okay, I only need to draft players in the last 5 rounds and/or grab players off waivers.” In June, that person is not as crazy as they sounded in March. Plus, they got a vase out of it!
Kevin Pillar – 1-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 8th homer. Must be his new launch angle! Have you heard about this? This is the new saber shiny toy — launch angle. Not to sound too much like Murray Chass, but I’m already sick of this narrative. Pillar hit a home run; he could hit more; he’s not suddenly a 30-homer hitter because he has a new launch angle; semi-colons are fun.
Josh Donaldson – 1-for-2, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer. I’d still be looking to sell Donaldson. He’s returned, and stayed on the field, but I don’t trust him as far as I can throw him, and, while I do chain workouts every day, I can’t throw him very far.
Francisco Liriano – 5 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 5.87 vs. Jharel Cotton – 6 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 5.20. If someone in your league owns one of these two guys, send them an email that reads, “Why?” And when they respond, “Why what?” Never respond to them again, they don’t deserve it.
Rajai Davis – 4-for-5, 4 runs, hitting .216. The King of SAGNOF has only 8 steals and 4 times caught on the year. I wonder if that’s why steals are low this year. Morale is down for stealing, due to The King of SAGNOF. It’s like when King George III stopped stealing and Britain lost the U.S.
Mike Clevinger – Optioned to the minors. I don’t like Clevinger, but tough noogs to get demoted due to a Coors start. Indians don’t need a fifth starter until June 17th, so Clevinger could return then or Salazar. Like a goldfish, I wait with bated breath.
Ian Desmond – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 1 RBI and his 3rd steal. Something I mentioned on this week’s podcast and in a roundup last week, the Rockies are dead last for steals in the majors. Well, were dead last. In the last few days, the Rockies have been running more, even after a steal took out Parra (though, if it wasn’t a steal, it would’ve been me pulling a Gillooly to get Desmond back in the lineup).
Kyle Freeland – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.34. As the camera pans past them, Ray Searage squeezes Ivan Nova’s hand. “And the award for Best Ray Searage Impersonation goes to…Bud Black!” Ray Searage sneers, “How do I lose my own award?”
